A senior consultant dies and goes to heaven ( as if!!) when he is queueing up, he starts too get impatient! He barges his way too the front and demands too be let in. " you dont realise how important I was down there!", he says to the attendant. "I'm sorry Sir you will have too wait your turn"
Just then a man runs past wearing a white coat with a stethascope dangling from his pocket, and runs straight through.
The consultant, who is now shouting for attention; is digusted that someone else has jumped in front of him! Now he turns around too the attendant and exclaims his digust, " who's that Doctor he screams?.. you've let him in without queueing!!"

"Oh"....comes the reply " That's GOD he likes too pretend he's a doctor every now and again"

I think mark is trying to become an official member by posting E-mails. Can the limit be increased to 500 before people come out of "New Membership".

You can type in word, do spell check, then cut and paste.

alex

hat would make it too easy..!! LOL )

The Plan.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known
as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the
removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,
al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and
they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil
finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

A hospital porter had been out drinking with his mates - and had a few too many. He staggered out of the pub, tripped, hit his head on a lampost and fell unconcious in the gutter. An ambulance duly arrived and whisked him off to the local hospital where he worked. When he came to, he was told that they had sent some blood samples off and were getting a scan organised, which happened a few minutes later. Everything was looking good - until his blood results came back. Several doctors, sisters and nurses gathered round the foot of his bed, muttering and whispering and he was told that they were moving him to a side room to give him more privacy (being as how he was a member of staff).
They moved him into a small room with a washbasin and an en-suite bathroom - which he was most impressed with. Then a doctor came to see him - but didn't come into the room, just poked his head round the door ! He said "We know whats wrong with you, you've got GASH"
Porter - "What's GASH ?".
Doctor - "It's a mixture of Gonorrhoea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes."
Porter - "Good God ! What are you going to do ?"
Doctor - "Well, we're going to keep you in here and feed you lots of pancakes".
Porter - "Pancakes ! Will they get me better ?"
Doctor - "No, but its the only thing we can slide under the door!"

A light aircraft is flying across the Atlantic, when it is struck by lightening!
The Pilot realises that he has gone too far too turn back, and is unsure as to whether he can make it too his destination.

The passengers start too get restless, and then one of the women passenger?s starts screaming hysterically!

? I don?t want too die,? she shouts?. Another passenger tries comforting her?. But a few minutes later, she again shouts out!

? Before I die I would like to be made to feel like a Woman again!?

Just then a man at the back of the plane stands up, and starts to walk towards her; unbuttoning his shirt as he slowly walks forward.
She begins too tremble and bites her lip in anticipation, she holds onto the surrounding seats too prevent herself from swooning.
As he draws nearer, she can see that now he has totally unbuttoned his shirt.
As she moves forward too greet him he extends his arm toward her? and say?s

??Here iron this!?


ta... tried the spell checker doo daa... is this OK now??

MONEY

It can buy a House But not a Home

It can buy a Bed But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock But not Time

It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine But not Health

It can buy you Blood But not Life

It can buy you Sex But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHECKS, CASHIERS CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, GRADE 5 PLUTONIUM, ETC..ETC..

AND OF COURSE DEPOSIT WILL BE IN A SWISS BANK

Superman sees wonder-woman writhing around naked on top of a sky scraper, unable to control himself he flies down for a quicky and flies off again.
Wonderwoman says "was it a bird was it a plane?
"I don't Know" says the invisible man " but my bum is hurting like hell!"

There seems to have been a few plane crashes just lately - have you noticed ?
The latest one was just yesterday in Ireland when a small, light aircraft suffered a major structural failure and came down in a vertical dive, straight into a church graveyard. Because of all the disturbed, soft earth, it buried itself in the ground (no pun intended).
Irish rescue teams are still at the site and so far have recovered 117 bodies.

Newly married bloke says to his wife, " put my trousers on". She does just that. He says, " that'll be the last time in this relationship that you wear the trousers".
The blokes wife says, " put my knickers on".
Bloke says," I can't get in to them".
She says, "thats the way it'll stay, as long as you've got that attitude"!