A woman goes into a pet shop and enqiures to buy a Parrot. The assistant tells her that he's only got one left and that she can have it for $100.

"But"!! he added "I must warn you - his previous owner was a Madam in a house of ill repute".

"That's ok"! the woman says - "I'll take it anyway"

When she got it home the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel - different Madam"
The woman replied "This is no brothel and I am no Madam"

After a while the woman's 2 Daughters came to visit for the day the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel, different Madam, and different prostitutes"!!
The woman repeated "This is no brothel, I am no Madam and these are my Daughters"

Later on, the woman's Husband came home from work the Parrot chirped "Ah, different brothel, different Madam, different prostitutes - Hey George you dirty old bugger, Nice to see you again"!!

What does SOBER stand for?

>>>>>


Son Ofa Bitch, Everythings Real!

Two old girls go out one weekend without their husbands and get somewhat inebriated. Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they'd finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some very expensive knickers, didn't want to throw hers away and so looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!
The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her fanny that read -" From all the lads at the Nags Head, We will never forget you".

LIII

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?".

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,
"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm
Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then
accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on
his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the

young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd! .

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know
sod all about my business............ now give me back my dog."

Why do we all hate business consultants so?

Robert

Elephant turns to camel and says "why do you walk around with your boobs on your back",
Camel replies "thats good comin from someone who has his pr**k in the middle of his face.

Silly I know but try telling it when theyve had 8 pints and theyll fall over laughin.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f@#$%ng ship?

Oh Dear John, you've started me now......

FRIGID PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

EXPENSIVE PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

COURTEOUS PARROT
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

This is really only for Geeks....

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