A really fat and ugly woman with two children walks into ASDA and is welcomed to the store by the ASDA greeter "Good morning madam are your children twins?" asks the greeter.

The woman is rather irrate by this "Of course there not twins one of them is six and the other is eight"

The greeter replies "I just thought i would ask"

"Why would you ask?" replies the woman very angrily.

"I cant believe someone would have sex with you twice" replies the greeter.

The doctor is talking to the elderly patient: "There is a water in your knee, a sand in your urine and stones in your kidneys." - "Come on, doc, tell me there is a cement in my sack and I can start building!"

Friends

I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend of mine has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more 'famous' sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.

The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.

Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have been put to good use

Neoteny
I think to add more weight to your campaign, you should put under the General Section with it's own heading rather than in Jokes 2!!!

I kinda like number 10 ...


Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least,
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!

Ain't that the truth! (I especially like No.4, myself).

You should always take a good look at your potential mother in law before getting too "attached". Cuz that's what you'll be getting yourself in not so many years. So, if the old gal looks like a dog, maybe things will turn out OK after all!

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional , press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press...

If you are manic-depressive , hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal , put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

Surely you meant The Shire Mental Hospital?

PS: define "unstable"!

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University, 'What is the opposite of joy?'

'Sadness' said the student.

'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from Cambridge.

'Elation,' she said..

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University, 'How about the opposite of woe?'

The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up'.

Lee