OK, it's been a while, but I've 'researched' some more jokes. I'll give 'em to you in several big doses!


A man runs in the pub sweating profusely. He says to the landlord, "Quick, give me a pint of lager! I’ve a raving nymphomaniac in the back of my car and I need a drink".
"Just take it easy", says the landlord, "I'll sort her out".
So off he goes outside, gets in the back of this car and carries on where the bloke left off.
Just then a policeman shines a torch on them and says, "What’s going on here, then". The landlord says, "It’s OK, officer, I’m just giving my wife one".
"I'm sorry sir, I didn’t realise it was your wife", says the officer.
"Neither did I until you shone that torch" says the landlord.

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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol has the generic name of Paracetamol. Similarly, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The DoH has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

As a sort-of follow on - there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections but absolutely no idea what to do with them!

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God appears to a man and tells him that if he wants to go to heaven, he must give up smoking, drinking and sex. The man says he will try.
A week passes by and God returns to see how he has gone on. "Not bad!" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but the other day my wife was bending over the freezer and I couldn’t help myself. I had to have her!"
"They won’t like that in heaven" says God.
"They weren’t very happy about it in Tesco, either" says the man.

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work beer when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
”Paint my house.”

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I’ve just been on holiday to Blackpool, and while I was there, I saw a man with a dog. The dog wouldn’t stop barking so the man hit it with a stick and killed it.
His wife had a right go at him and he hit her with the stick and killed her as well.
Someone called the police and when the policeman tried to arrest him, he killed him by hitting him with the stick.
To top it all, the crocodile ran away with the sausages.

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A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?”
The biker said, “Holy cow, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”

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A Blonde was walking along a river bank when she spotted another Blonde on the other bank. She called across to her, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other Blonde gazed up and down the river then replied, "You ARE on the other side"

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A lorry driver hit the back of a car at a set of traffic lights.
The car driver, who turned out to be a dwarf got out and said "I'm not happy".
The lorry driver said, "Well, which f#cking one are you then?".

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Due to the credit crunch, I’ve decided to shop for my food at a cheaper supermarket.
I went to Lidl recently and bought some Korean meatballs.
I’m telling you, they are the dogs b#ll#cks!

...and to finish off.....

A drunk man, who smelled of booze, sat down on an underground train next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, looking at the man’s obvious state, replied, “My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow men, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I'll be damned!” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don't have it, Father, but I’ve just read here that the Pope does!”

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A Brunette goes to the doctor.
"Doctor", she says, "I'm really worried because I hurt all over".
"Show me", says the Doctor.
"Well", says the woman, "If I touch my nose it hurts, if I touch my knee like this it hurts, and if I touch my breasts it hurts - everywhere hurts!"
"Ah", says the Doctor, "you're actually a Blonde aren't you?"
"Well, yes", says the woman, "I'm a natural Blonde. How can you tell?"
"Because you've broken your finger", replied the Doctor.

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A bear walks into a pub and says "I'll have a pint of lager and.............
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........a packet of crisps, please".



The barman says "OK, but why the big pause?"


"Oh I dunno", says the Bear, "I suppose I was born with them"

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Looking at life from Adam's side:

God was strolling through the Garden of Eden when he came across Adam sitting under a tree.
"How's it going?" asked God.
"Oh……so-so," said Adam.
"You sound a bit p#ssed off," said God. "Is there a problem?"
"Well, it's just that I'm bored," said Adam. "The weather's good, the scenery's great and you pop by every now and again for a game of chess, but other than that……..I could really do with some company.
"I may have just the thing," said God, "Fresh in. She's beautiful, will keep your house spotless, keep the kids quiet and out of your way, terrific in bed and cordon bleu in the kitchen."
"Sounds great," said Adam. "Can I have one?"
"Of course," said God, "but it'll cost you an arm and a leg though."
"Oh," said Adam, thinking hard, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history!!!!


Merry Christmas!

The story is told of the zookeeper who one day was passing the monkey house. He looked in and saw a monkey sitting on the branch of a tree with the Bible in one hand and Darwin's "On the Origin of Species" in the other.

"What are you doing?" asked the zookeeper.

The monkey replied, "I'm trying to discover whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"

(not really a joke as such ... but thought-provoking, I hope)

Here's a abridged extract from a book I received of the same name as the punch line.

True story, a vicar was visiting a infant school and asked the children why it was a special time of year.

"It's Christmas" replied one boy

"and why is Christmas special" asked the Vicar

and all the children explained they get presents and preceded to list what presents they'd like.

Christmas is not just about presents the vicar explained it's the birth of a special baby.

At that point one boy informed him that he knew and said "It were called Wayne"

"Wayne? Certainly not!" cried the vicar

"It were!" cried the boy

"Jesus" snapped the Vicar

"Wayne" repeated the boy "I know, 'cos we all sing about it in assembly"



Very amusing book, certainly recommend it.

An old joke doing the rounds again.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'


So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'


The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks . and they keep coming!


The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Lee

There are these two cannibals, eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Theres this guy who's shipwrecked on a dersert Island somewhere in the world,
One day he's laying around on the sand looking out to infintiy and see something in the water swimming towards the Island.
It emerges to be be a woman in a skin divers suit, she slowly walks up to him on the beach and say's to him in a 'French Accent'
Missur how long is it since you have had a drink?
He says to her, 'I havent had a drink of whisky since the day I was shipwrecked on this Island' , Thankyou yes I'll have some.
She un-zipps her left breast pocket and produces a bottle of whisky.
Then she says to him 'missur how long is it since you have had a cigarette?
He thinks to himself blimey this is too good to be true, 'he replies'I havent had one of those since the day I was shipwrecked here as well'
She un-zipps her right breast pocket and produces a packet of fags and a lighter.
While he's tucking into the fags and whisky, she then asks him another question,whilst un-doing the centre zip of her costume she say's
'Missur how long is it since you have played around?

He say's, 'Cor blimey girl, you gotta set of golf clubs down there as well!!!' boom boom

A couple of jokes for the ladies


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh [censored].' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.


Lee

I got banned from B&Q today.
A bloke in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.

Robert

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big [censored] he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter,
I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you
for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you
to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.#



Lee