They’ve finished making love, and he’s propped up on an elbow having a cigarette. “Am I the first man you’ve ever made love to?” he asked. “Yes”, she replied, “Your face DOES look familiar.”
Some years ago, I flew to the USA, and on the flight over, a very attractive stewardess asked me, “Would you like some of our TWA coffee?” to which I responded, “No, but I’d love some of your TWA Tea!”
An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial break, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I’ve no idea. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The cashier turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad – nice boobs."
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor came out of his surgery office, yelling "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually, Gabriel the Archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God “Where have you been?” God gave out a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, saying “Look, Gabriel…….. look at what I’ve just made.” Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and asked, “What is it?” “It’s a planet”, replied God,” and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place for Balance”. “Balance?” queried Gabriel, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “Look, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe will be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot-spot.” “Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different land-masses. “And over there, I will call this place America. Northern America will be rich and powerful and cold, whereas South America will be friendly, hot but poor. And the bit between them is Central America, which will be another hot-spot. Can you see the balance?” “Yes”, said Gabriel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?" "Ah", said God, "I’m going to call that Scotland. It will be the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful snow-capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people will make a drink called Uisge Beatha, or Whisky, which will mean "Water of Life". The people will be good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're will be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers. Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said, "You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the b*st*rds I'm putting next to them!”
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try for the son that they wanted so badly. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and snarled, "Have you been fooling around on me? The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered he possessed the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "OH MY GOD!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
