"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?” The patient implored, "Please... Break my arms!"
“I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Melanie to Colleen. "But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Colleen responded. "He did." Melanie replied "That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. The mysterious old woman said, "For ten pounds, I will read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses."
They had just been married that afternoon and had journeyed to the city to spend their honeymoon. Night had fallen and the bride had already put on the beautiful silken nightie reserved for the occasion and was lounging voluptuously upon the bed. For an hour now, the groom, still fully dressed, had been gazing out the window into the darkness. Impatiently his bride addressed him. "Why don't you undress, John, and come to bed?" "Never mind me," he replied. "Go ahead and go to sleep. My mother told me this would be the most wonderful night I'd ever see and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud dad stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found that it was full. "Here's the problem", the Doctor said. "He needs a change." The father was mystified "But the package says it’s good for up to 10 lbs!"
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision." The surgeon hands him the needle and says, "OK, suture self."
Paddy was on holiday in Canada. Whilst he was in Calgary, the famous Calgary Stampede Rodeo was taking place, so he went to see it. He was particularly intrigued by the Bucking Bronco competition, where professional horsemen tried to stay on an unbroken stallion for as long as possible. When the main competition had finished, the P.A. made the announcement that members of the general public could have a go on a Bucking Bronco. Paddy fancied his chances, and made his way to the paddock. As he was about sixth in line to have a go, he watched other amateurs have a go, and they only lasted a few seconds before being deposited on their behinds. When his turn came around, he was suitably strapped in on top of the stallion, and before he knew it, the gate was opened and the horse bolted out into the arena. To the utter amazement of the spectators, and the original competitors, Paddy managed to hang on. The bronco twisted, turned and bucked like fury, trying to dislodge Paddy, but to no avail – Paddy hung on for dear life. After about 40 seconds, the bronco gave up. It had been 'broken'. The P.A. announced that not only had Paddy broken the Stampede record for amateur riders, but also had bettered the winning time for that year’s professional contest. Paddy dismounted the heavily perspiring beast and walked back to the paddock. As he reached the saddling enclosure, one of the cowboys yelled down, “ Oi, Paddy, how long have you been riding horses?” “I’ve never done that before,” replied Paddy. “It’s my first time”. “Then how did you learn how to stay on for so long?” asked the cowboy. “That’s easy,” said Paddy, ”the wife’s an epileptic.”
A coloured chap died and duly knocked on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter arrived, took one look at him and refused him entry. “Sorry,” said St. Peter, “we’ve already had our full quota of blacks for the week. We just had a large intake from South Africa.” (This is a VERY old joke!) “You’ll have to go downstairs.” “But I think I’m a special case. You see, I’m from Alabama...” “Yeah, so?” retorted St. Pete. “My wife was white.” “WHAT?” shrieked St. Peter, incredulously, “You’re joking, surely?” “No, sir. My wife was white. All of her family was at the wedding. In fact, her father and all her brothers are in the Ku Klux Klan.” “In that case”, admired St. Peter, “I can let you in. By the way, how long were you married?” “About 30 nanoseconds.”
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
