This man is at work one day when he notices that his pal is wearing an earring. This man knows his pal to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense," so he asked his pal, "Maurice, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an bloody earring," says Maurice, a little sheepishly. "Really? And how long have you been wearing one?" "Err...ever since my wife Becky found it in our bed."
A guy wakes up at home with the mother of all hangovers. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of paracetamols and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down on the side of the bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so is the rest of the house. He takes the paracetamols and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and a copy of the morning’s newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. His father asked, "Son, what the hell happened last night?" His son replied, "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, nissed as a pewt. You broke some furniture as you walked in, and threw up in the hallway.” The father asked, a little surprised, "So, why is everything in order, so clean and there’s food is on the table?" His son said, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "F*ck off, bitch! Leave me alone, I’m a married man!"
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family greeted him, hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year-old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most explosive sex he had ever experienced. When he he'd had enough they went downstairs where the blonde made him a huge breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, baked beans, fried bread and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?" "Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'f#ck him.... give him a fiver'”. “Breakfast was my idea.”
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
