And as I couldn't get onto the site at all yesterday, another load....
A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular, young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.' Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?' Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian.'
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Kevin. "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaaaa." said Joe.
Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs? When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home. They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "Don't do that, my mother told me about you women. You women have teeth between your legs". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him. She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.". He tells her, "It's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other? She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling. ' Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'
An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and scr#w your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" "The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure’. The Executive Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. The Colonel's Aide, a Lieutenant, responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure." The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
A man got home from work and yelled to his wife, "Get me a beer, quick, before it starts." He drunk it straight down and then said "Quick, get me another before it starts." Again she got it, he drunk it down in one and said, "And another, before it starts.” She said, "Listen, you fat, lazy b#stard, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders at me!" He said "Oh God, it's started!”
Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....
