EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

Well - I've just deleted a post for the first time in two years.

I don't know if it was friendly banter by Todd Mallow or not - but I didn't like the sound of it.

'Todd Mallow' no more 'jokes' of that sort please. Jokes should be general and not aimed at anyone in particular.

Me thinks you need to get out more huw, the joke was not meant to be taken seriously ,it was merely meant to be taken as good old fashioned banter.

How about this one...

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

A true story, apparently...........


Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.


The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chickens."

Two young Doctors are speeding down the motorway, when they are seen by a couple of coppers in a patrol car.
The Policemen feeling generous, pull up next too them and motion them too slow down. This they ignore and carry on, so they do the same again...
And still nothing the Doctors carry on speeding.

Finally the Policemen approach them and Flash their lights and again motioning them too slow down... However this time the Doctors wave their Stethoscopes toward the Policemen, and again speed off.

This time the Police wave them over... and are again shown the stethoscope's.... in response the Police wave their Handcuffs in reply and duly the Doctors pull over and Stop.....

Does it apply too Ambulances too?? I wonder...??? 104 mph... hmmmm I dunno about that one!??

One for the ladies...................

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas,
where women could go to choose a husband from among
many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any
floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you
went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to
leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to
find some husbands...

First floor :-
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and
love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better
than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor :
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, and are extremely good looking."
Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further
up?

Third floor :-
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremely good looking, love kids and help with the
housework."
Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more
further up!And up they went.

Fourth floor :-
This door had a sign saying "These men have high
paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak."
Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us
further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor :-
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and
exists only to prove that women are impossible to
please"

Louis III

A woman walks into her kitchen and finds her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

Wife - "What are you doing?"

Husband - "Hunting Flies"

Wife - "Get any?"

Husband - "Three males, two females,"

Wife - "How can you tell which is male and which is female?"

Husband - "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

wa wa wa waaahh.....

Two nuns are happily driving down the motorway and are singing hymms when out of the blue the devil lands on the bonnet of the car and presses himself up against the windshield...

Both nuns scream as the devil begins playing with himself and screaming obscenities.

They break hard in an attempt to shake him off, but still the devil remains. By now both nuns are horrified and in total shock, and are unsure as what to do next...

Eventually the one nun plucks up enough courage and shouts across to her colleague " SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS"...

so the second nun winds down the window and shouts.. " GET OF MY F...... BONNET"

An ostentatious day to you all, just a light teaser to brighten your day:-

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jag in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Louis III

Two medical engineers were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."