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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745 |
NEW NHS MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-
Artery................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................. Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................... What doctors do when patients die.
Benign.................. What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome .
Catscan.................. Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................ Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................... A sheep dog.
Coma..................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate................... To live long.
Enema.................... Not a friend.
Fester................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................... A small lie.
Impotent................. Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff............ A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................... A higher E-bay offer.
Nitrates................. Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................... I knew it.
Outpatient............... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion................ Hiding something.
Seizure.................. Roman emperor.
Tablet................... A small table.
Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.................... One plus one more.
Urine.................... Opposite of you're out.
Lee
Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 14,659 Likes: 61
Super Hero
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Super Hero
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 14,659 Likes: 61 |
Nice one, Mate! Let’s hope that the next edition of the venerable “Bailliere's Nurses' Dictionary For Nurses” gets corrected accordingly.
If you don't inspect ... don't expect.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745 |
A few old jokes
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Lee
Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,020
Hero
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Hero
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,020 |
For those of you who work in sandier places:
THE STORY OF TWO COWS
DUBAI SYSTEM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.
QATAR SYSTEM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.
SAUDI SYSTEM: Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.
BAHRAIN SYSTEM: You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.
LEBANON SYSTEM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.
EGYPTIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak!
AMERICAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.
FRENCH SYSTEM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.
RUSSIAN SYSTEM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
BRITISH SYSTEM: You have two cows. Both are mad.
My spelling is not bad. I am typing this on a Medigenic keyboard and I blame that for all my typos.
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Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 14,659 Likes: 61
Super Hero
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Super Hero
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 14,659 Likes: 61 |
Mornin’ Robert. Nice one, but pity you left out Israeli cows (both big ‘uns, imported from good ‘ole Texas). And Iraqi cows (…all dead, I suppose). And English cows (…one is Scottish … the other made of soft plastic, following the advice of the H&SE, and having the added benefit of zero emissions)!
If you don't inspect ... don't expect.
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Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 243
Master
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Master
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 243 |
ENGLISH COWS
Destroyed on the orders of DEFRA for not having the correct paperwork!
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745 |
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent?s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ?I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Lee
Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745 |
I've got an image in my head of Tony Blair saying "under lying inflation 5% NHS workers pay rise 2%, not enough beds and Trust's laying off staff because their broke, I ain't Bothered!”
I wonder if we could get Rory Bremner to do it?
Lee
Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 200
Master
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Master
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 200 |
A follow on to Lee's cow jokes shamelessley ripped off another forum.
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A POLISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to Back to top
Assimilated at last...
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745 |
Just one thing, it was RoJo that ripped off another forum. Although I will take the credit if he doesn't want it.
Lee
Last edited by Lee S; 22/03/07 5:40 PM.
Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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