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Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door." The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."
The little Eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"
The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little Eskimo, "I told you that you sh*gged a penguin!"

.................................................................

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um... no... um... what happened?”
The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

.................................................................

One day little Johnny went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead.
The boy said, "I p*ssed in its ear."
The teacher screamed, "You WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move...So it must be dead."

.................................................................

A man approached a local resident in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to Dublin?" the visitor asked.
The local man scratched his head. "Hmmm.... Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," replied the man.
With due consideration, the local man replied, "Well, that's the quickest way all right!"

.................................................................

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm sick to bloody death being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. But while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again".
Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked".
Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...I'm a prawn again Christian."

.................................................................

A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high New Orleans prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Oh sh*t!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

.................................................................

A nun who was sitting outside a bar stops a patron before he enters and cautions him on the evil of drink!
"Have you ever tried it?" asks the man.
"Well, err, no," says the nun.
"Then you shouldn't pass comment on it. Let me buy you a drink."
With some discomfort the nun agrees to a gin and tonic, but in a teacup so as not to arouse suspicion, and brought outside to her. So the patron goes in, orders a beer and a gin and tonic in a cup.
“Oh [censored]”, exclaims the barman, "Not that bloody nun again!"


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
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Hi Naitch
Unfortunately or fortunately, the rabbit joke is based on a true story (or urban myth)that happened to a friend of mine and his neighbours prized cat!!


Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own.
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Kwacker

I wouldn't know. I hear a joke and react accordingly (i.e. laugh, groan or throw up). Oddly enough, when I first saw the joke, I thought it was American in origin - dunno why. Never thought it would actually be based on reality. There again, truth is stranger than fiction, so they say.

The Naitch


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
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During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd discovered was ”Uh....female juices."
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit, I've got one hell of a moustache!"

.................................................................

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg that gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.” Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of syrup. Pour the tin of syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your bum and go as a toffee apple!”

.................................................................

A wedding occurred just outside Cork in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Gardai get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm by banging his gavel on the bench and shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cork wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge nods his understanding. "Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I found myself dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my feckin' fingers!"

.................................................................

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard ploughed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

.................................................................

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

.................................................................

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you,” she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

.................................................................

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

.................................................................

An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his spacecraft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
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A man phoned a chemist to talk about his prescription. "My doctor ordered this prescription for me," he said to the pharmacist, "and you filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules in it about two weeks ago. I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and I've been doing that. Then a little packet came out of the bottle instead of my capsule. The packet said, 'do not eat' on it. I don't know what to do, because that was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!

.................................................................

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence ...listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....... I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!!"

.................................................................

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering her room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later the wife came home from shopping, placed her carrier bags on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from of all places, the family room. She walked in and saw her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. His wife asked him, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the football with my son-in-law."

.................................................................

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted, “Listen, you bastards! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realise, is that when I say ‘Good Night,’ what I really mean is ‘Shut the f*ck up!!!’"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"

.................................................................

At the end of a tiny deserted pub sits a huge Liverpudlian, 6 ft 5 and built like a brick shithouse. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the pub before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "Hey, calm down, calm down. I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replied. "Something about a job..."

.................................................................

Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jon replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"

.................................................................

A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollix, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives off in his new car.
Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. “It’s voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want”. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. “Click”. The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and “click”, a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and “click”, a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." “Click”. The Sex Pistols belt out “God Save the Queen”. He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "YOU STUPID SOD!!!" he screams. “’Click’ - Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
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Love in the Later Years...

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner . He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back, he ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping"? She whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote".

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One for those of us having a bad day


9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Gives us this day, our daily dose of rubbish jokes from Naitch......!

Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Fred is dead!"
"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof- Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f*cking house."

.................................................................

Greg was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." This was not a hard choice for Greg and he ran up the ladder. At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Greg chose to climb the ladder further up. At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Since things were getting better the higher he got, Greg chose to climb the ladder even further. At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Greg was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but figuring it could only get better, he chose to climb the ladder at least one more time. At the fifth cloud, Greg was startled when a greasy, 500 lb. naked man with a pimply member grabbed him. Greg screamed, "Who the hell are you?"
The man replied, "I'm Cess."

.................................................................


Three blondes were walking in the woods one day, chatting away about blonde things, when suddenly they came upon a river, a veritable raging torrent. "How are we to get across this" they wailed, staring hopelessly at the seething waters.
"I wish I was ten times cleverer, then I'm sure I could think of a way to get across." complained the first Blonde. Luckily, and unbeknownst to her, she was standing under the magic wish tree, who heard her cry and granted her wish! Instantly, she turned into a Redhead, and became ten times cleverer. "I know," she said. "'I'll swing over the river on that vine." With that, she leaped on to the vine and swung agilely across.
"Wow," thought the second Blonde, having witnessed her friend’s magical intellectual elevation. "I wish I was a hundred time cleverer, then perhaps I could get across too." Instantly she turned into a Brunette and became a hundred timed cleverer. "I know." she said, suddenly enlightened. "I'll make a raft from that spare wood over there, and bind it with vine, and I can get across too." So she built the raft, carefully lashed it together, and paddled across, not even getting her brown tresses damp.
"Wow and twice wow." thought the third Blonde, having witnessed these miracles. "I wish I was a thousand times cleverer, then I could get across too,” she said. Instantly she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

.................................................................

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. The first cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
The second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
The third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
The fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhoea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhoea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a bucket of home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a load of jalapeno and some chilli peppers I’d never seen before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhoea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on..."

.................................................................

A couple met on Brighton Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Linda,” he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live... eat... sleep... and breathe golf."
"Well..." Linda said, "since you're being honest, so will I. I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said.... "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
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Naitch i don't know if i'm being brainwashed by your jokes or if they are getting funnier but i'm wasting hours sending them on.

Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Lee

You may have seen it on an earlier post, but nearly all of my jokes come from the archives of an internal BAE Systems Intranet which I accidentally found, when I was working for them. In my spare moments, I downloaded the lot and put it onto a SINGLE Word document. So far, it's 171 pages long. I'll say that again in case you think my fingers mis-typed that - ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY ONE! That's not counting the jokes I've nicked from THIS site. So far, I've got to page 25 of the Word Doc, so there's plenty still to come.
So, you'll be wasting more hours passing them on - sorry about that. Still, they should get you a few free pints at your local boozer.

NH


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
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