EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

OK, this is being done from Little France Penitentary......sorry - Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he came up with an answer so quickly. "What makes you say that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the vicar said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'" (If that were true, God help you when you fill in your tax return form!!!)

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"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. One of his legs was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

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A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Billy, want to play Mummies and Daddies?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said the bewildered boy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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My kids love going onto the Internet, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

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A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes, I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."

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Stanley stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my house slippers please?"
Stanley obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says..."Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"

This was from my little girl:-
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there was and englishman,irishman and scotsman,
and they find a magic slide,whatever you shout as your going down the slide you get,
the englishman goes first and shouts larger as he slides down and lands in larger,
the scotsman goes next and shouts whisky as he slides down and he lands in whisky.
the irishman slides down and shouts weee!
he lands in front of a large plasma screen with a wireless controller in his hand!.
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I thought i knew where that was going too!!

or did he land in front of a pile of Waste Electronic Equipment!!

A woman and her long suffering husband go on holiday to Jerusalem to celebrate their 30th anniversary, whilst there the wife dies.

The Funeral Director tells the husband “it will cost £10,000 to return the body to GB for burial or £150 to bury her in Jerusalem”.

The husband thinks about this for a while and then says “I will have her buried in GB”.

The Funeral Director says “why waste all that money?”

To which the husband replies “once there was a man who was killed in Jerusalem he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead, I can’t take that chance!”

Lee

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the hell did you put on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: 'pepper only'."

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A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position - well I'm marketing director of a medium-sized computer software company in the East Midlands.”

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When Jacques Cousteau was alive and on one of his deep-sea explorations, he discovered a rare tuna fish that lived at great depths. Upon further examination, it was discovered that the female tuna's reproductive organs smelled exactly like a human finger!

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Two cannibals agreed to share a lone missionary.
Cannibal number one said, "You start at his feet and I'll start at his head."
After a little while cannibal number one asks, "How are you doing?"
Cannibal number two replies, "I'm having a ball."
Cannibal number one yells, "You're eating too fast!"

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A young boy asked his mother, "Mum, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the arse off his secretary."

B.B. King's wife decides that she is going to make his birthday especially memorable this year. The day before the party, she goes out and gets B.B's initials tattooed on her cheeks of her buttocks, one letter on each cheek. The next night, after his big birthday dinner with friends in his favourite restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B. sits down in his favourite chair, his wife walks up to him and announces, "I have a big surprise for you." With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her knickers and bends over.
B.B. stares for a moment at the posterior just inches from his face, and asks, "Who's Bob?"

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"My husband bought me a mood ring the other day."
"Oh, yeah? What does that do then?"
"Well, when I'm in a good mood, it turns orange.... When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!"

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Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

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Q: What's the difference between a wife and working for the NHS?

A: Working for the NHS still sucks after 10 years.

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Little Johnny ran into the house, crying his eyes out. His Mum asked him what the problem was.
"Dad and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish, a really big one. Then, while reeling it in, the line broke and the fish got away."
"Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."
"I did!"

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your c#ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 307."

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow too?"

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A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told daddy that she was pregnant. That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

Not sure if this truly belongs here...........but......

I noticed the advert for an EBME department looking for staff...........

advert said someting about - "posession of a criminal record, and that each case would be judged on an individual basis" -

Well, I have one by Max Bygraves called "You need hands" - and i just wondered if I could still apply ?

(sorry guys !)

Well, if you saw some of the rubbish in my collection (e.g. Max Boyce - Live at Treorchy), I'd get a death sentence, WITHOUT parole!
Then there's the old chestnut...
"I've got a police record"
"Oh yeah, what is it?"
"De Doo Dah Dah"

Naitch

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, stomped on him until he looks like a corn tortilla, cr#pped on him, and ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sh#t, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."

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One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately run up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask.
“It's very nice," she replies. "except they won't let you fart."

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Way down in that old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!!
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got a daughter, too! She a pretty lil thing, too....”
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night when we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that there 3-in-1 oil?
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward; "No, no, this is a 1987 vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's very impressive. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like p#ss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

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A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Errr, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

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A ten-year-old public school boy was finding fifth grade maths to be the challenge of his life. His mom and dad did everything and anything to help their son... private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, giving up, they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to await another destiny. At the end of the first day of school the boy walked into home with a stern expression on his face, and walked right past the parents and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly clearing his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
The parents were not sure if they should comment on the boys extra efforts for fear of him losing this new found fervour, so they ignored it. This pattern continued for a few months.
One day the first quarter report card came out. The boy dropped the unopened envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATHEMATICS. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged his shoulders. "No" he said.
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?", asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school."
"How so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby of the school, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those b#stards meant business!"

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A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love," he replied, "it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear, while he was trying to sleep, was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the town hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
"Sh#t!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

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Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it". After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's OK, she's not here!"

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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this manoeuvre, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."