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Joined: Jul 2003
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Adept
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 104
Here's one for your collection Naitch....
Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said,
"Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

. . . . and that's when the fight started...



If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance..
Baffle 'em with bullshit.


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The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Todd! Are you entertaining in there?"
From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second I'll ask her!"

..................................................................................................................................

"My god! What happened to you?" the barman asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barman said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye... that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but no bloody use in a fight!"

..................................................................................................................................

The barman asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A Glenfiddich, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be two pounds," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A solicitor, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the barman, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The barman was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same bloke walks into the bar. The barman says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The bloke says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The barman replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the bloke replies, "Thanks very much. I’ll have a Glenfiddich."

..................................................................................................................................


A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

..................................................................................................................................

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman said, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgae, there's a better one. At MacDougall's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougall himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agreed that sounded like a good place.
Then the Italian said, "Yeah, zat's-a nice bar, but where I-a come from, zere's a better one. In a-Roma, zere's this a-place, called Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo he a-buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agreed that sounded like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den dey take you out back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," said the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"



Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Sep 2006
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Philosopher
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Posts: 745
I think the ladies are trying totell me something


WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available


Lee


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
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Posts: 219
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This man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."
Within two minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response Unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
He replied "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

..................................................................................................................................

Two Irish lads go on a fishing trip off the coast of Cork. They buy all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the long wading boots, the rowing boat, the lot. Between this and the hired car and the petrol and the bed and breakfast, they end up spending a small fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the lads catches a small cod.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One lad turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred euros?
The other guy says, "Feck! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

..................................................................................................................................

This elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex."

..................................................................................................................................

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him, on the grounds that he would be driving later.

..................................................................................................................................

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says, "OK it's out, are you ready?"
The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do, anyway?"
The ant climbs up and starts humping away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
"Ouch" screams the elephant.
"Yeah,” said the ant, “take it all, bitch."

..................................................................................................................................

Three wise men are following a star through the desert. The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn. They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger. As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle. In agony he yells out "JESUS CHRIST!"
A voice came down from the stygian gloom and said "That's a nice name, we were going to call him Brian."


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
Master
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Q: How to you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!

Q: Guess who I bumped into at the opticians?
A: Everyone.

Q: Five Essex girls were on a boat. The boat sank. How many blondes died?
A: Ten. Five during the accident, and five during the reconstruction for "Crimewatch"

Q: What's bloody, slimey and goes "Ho-Ho-Ho"?
A: Placenta Claus

..................................................................................................................................

Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale, "that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

..................................................................................................................................

There was a young boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. One day a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said: "There is some [censored] out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "...and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager OK’ed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called the boy over and said, "...you almost got yourself a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
"Finland, sir," the boy replied.
"Oh really? Why did you leave Finland?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players over there."
"My wife is from Finland!!" said the manager, with more than a hint of sternness in his voice.
The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

..................................................................................................................................

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the barman if he knew the lady. The barman said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Keymed Colonoscopes, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

..................................................................................................................................

(2 jokes in one!)
Tom had parked his car in the woods, trying to get his wicked way with Gladys. "Go on, let me," he pleaded.
"No, I won’t," she retorted.
"Go on, let me"
"No, I won’t, you dirty beast."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to be a virgin when I get married. Besides......it gives me headaches."
Just then, some terrible screams rent the air. "God, did you here those screams?" said Tom.
"I did, Tom. It sounds as if someone’s having a fit."
"Yeah," sighed Tom, "and it sounds like a tight one, too."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: Why are Jewish men such an optimistic group of people?
A: Because they cut a bit off before they find out how much they’re actually going to get!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A nymphomaniac walked into a taxidermist’s shop and said, “I’m dead.............”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Did you hear the one about the Irish queer? He preferred women to Guinness!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Yes, Mrs. Whitehouse, you DID hear me say the phrase ‘Tits like coconuts’, but if you listened a little longer, you would have heard me continue, ‘...and sparrows like breadcrumbs’.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: What’s the sickest thing in the world?
A: Two Siamese twins joined at the mouth, and one of them throws up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: What’s the definition of TRUE friendship?
A: It’s when your pal goes into town, gets TWO blowjobs, comes back and gives one of them to you.


Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
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Posts: 219
Two married couples were regulars at a Bridge club. On one occasion, they played each other as Ladies versus Gentlemen. One of the men, however, was particularly off form that night. His bidding was awful, his defensive play was atrocious – he was making a dog’s dinner of everything. Mid-way through a rubber, he left the table.
“Excuse me,” he said, “I’m going to the toilet.”
His playing partner observed, rather dryly, “Well, that’s the first time I’ve known what’s been in his hand all night!”

..................................................................................................................................

A long distance truck driver from Newcastle parks his vehicle outside the Dorchester Hotel in London and strides up to the manager on the reception desk.
“You got any low terms for lorry drivers, like?”
“Yes,” said the rather snooty manager, “Sod off you Geordie Git!”

..................................................................................................................................

Patricia Hewitt, the then Health Minister, was making a tour of a hospital, somewhere in Middlesex. She was somewhat perturbed, whilst walking through a ward, to see one of the male patients furiously masturbating!
“What’s the meaning of this?” fumed Hewitt. “We don’t allow this to happen in an N.H.S. hospital!”
“Actually,” offered the accompanying doctor, “we do. That gentleman suffers from a complaint where his testicles generate semen about twelve times faster than normal. If the semen was allowed to remain where it is, his testicles would literally burst open, so masturbation relieves the pressure.”
“Oh, I see”, muttered the Minister, with a hint of sympathy in her voice. She proceeded further into the ward, and saw a rather pretty nurse giving oral sex to another male patient. Ms. Hewitt turned to the doctor and snarled, “Your explanation for this had better be phenomenally good!”
“He’s suffering from the same illness as the last chap,” replied the doctor, “but he’s with BUPA”.

..................................................................................................................................

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county authorities ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damned varmints come onto my property and laid waste to my chicken coop. Old Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you REALLY ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God! We're gonna be rich!"



Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
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Posts: 219

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
“Have you thought about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance” says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
“No problem,” replies the doctor, 'it’s tasteless. Drop it into his coffee, he won't even know it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
“Oh, it was terrible, just terrible doctor.”
“What happened?” asks the doctor.
“Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”
“What was terrible?” said the doctor, “was the sex not good?”
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!”

..................................................................................................................................

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

..................................................................................................................................

An elderly couple are vacationing in the American Wild West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "and do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the cheek of her arse and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
Now this was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the delivery boy and the pool man.”



Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
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A famous art collector is walking through the middle of London when he notices a rather tatty looking cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognises that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two quid.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.”
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty quid for that cat."
“OK,” said the owner. "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty quid I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry pal, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

..................................................................................................................................

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"David, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo, Miss."
"That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow, Miss."
"Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa, Miss"
"Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr... it goes... click!"

..................................................................................................................................

Some tourists in the Natural History Museum are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," remarked the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
"Well,” the guard replied, “the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

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Two friends were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another bloke who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained one of the friends, "He’s got a face like the north end of a southbound rhinoceros, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, no money, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car... yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "and he’s a bloody awful conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his own eyebrows."

..................................................................................................................................

Three Irishmen were on the Holyhead ferry, on their way to London to make their fortune. On the voyage, they got into a conversation with a priest, who informed them that the best pub to drink in was a Bass House. They thanked him, and continued on their way to London.
They arrived at Euston station and the first place they head for is the nearest boozer.
“Excuse me, sorr, is dis a Bass House?” asked one of the Irishmen.
“No, sorry mate,” replied the barman, “we only sell Scottish & Newcastle.”
“Den, we’ll be on our way. We’re looking for a Bass House”. They head out of the pub, and spot another alehouse across the road. They enter it, and ask the same question.
“Sorry, pal,” said the barman. “We only sell Whitbread beers. They are rather good, though.”
“It is us dat are sorry, sorr. We’re wanting a Bass House.” At which point our trio leave the pub. They spot another pub towards Kings Cross, so they head towards it.
“Is dis a Bass House?” they ask.
“Yup, this is a Bass House,” replies the barman
“Ahhh, tank feck for dat. We’ll have three pints of Guinness”



Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
Master
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Posts: 219
There were two blokes who both suffered from being mute, but had perfect hearing. As they couldn’t speak to each other, they used sign language. They became the best of friends, and met each other on a very regular basis. This went on for many years, until one of them apparently disappeared. His mate missed him terribly, and spent his time hunting high and low for his friend.
After a month or so, he unexpectedly bumped into him in the High Street. “How the hell are you? I haven’t seen you in ages” he said in rather loud sign language.
His friend spoke, “I’m quite well, thank you”.
“Sh#t!” his friend signed, “You spoke! How come?”
“That’s why you haven’t seen me for a while. I’ve been away at a specialist’s and, for the first time in my life, I’ve got a voice”.
“Bloody hell,” signed his friend, somewhat furiously, “can he do the same for me?”
“No problem.” He dug into his inside jacket pocket, pulled out a card and gave it to his friend. “Give him a call, you’ve nothing to lose.”
An appointment with the specialist was duly made, and a few days later, the mute bloke turned up for his first course of treatment.
“O.K.” said the specialist, “we’ll do this one step at a time. Drop your trousers and bend over my desk”. The patient gave a long, horrified look at the doctor. “It’s part of the treatment. I’m not queer!” The patient duly dropped his keks, but still gave the doctor a quizzical look. As he bent over the desk, the doctor grabbed an ornamental poker from the mock fireplace, and forcibly inserted it in the patient’s rectum.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” screamed the patient.
“Very good,” commented the doctor, “tomorrow, we’ll continue with B.”

..................................................................................................................................

The teacher stood facing the class. “Today,” she said, “We’re going to try and improve your word power. I’m going to give you a word, and I want you to give me another word that means much the same thing. Who can give me another word for ‘drifting’?”
Margaret slowly and hesitantly put her hand up.
“Yes, Margaret?” asked the teacher.
“’Floating’, Miss?” answered Margaret.
“Yes, that’s good. Who can give me another word for ‘coracle’?”
Trevor immediately put his hand up. “’Boat’, Miss,” he said.
“Yes, that’s close enough. I can see that you’re good at this, so we’ll try a harder word. Who can give me another word for ‘indifferent’?”
This stumped everyone, except for Johnny on the back row, who put his hand up and waved it around. “’Lovely’, Miss,” he answered.
“No, Johnny, you’re wrong, but tell me, what makes you think it means ‘lovely’?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “in the middle of last night, I had to get up and go to the toilet. As I walked past Mummy’s and Daddy’s bedroom, I heard Mummy say ‘Oooooooh, that’s lovely’, and Daddy said, ‘Yes, it’s in different.’”

..................................................................................................................................

The senior Medical Officer at an army barracks decided to check the patients under his care. He strode off to his ward, which only had three patients. He approached the first patient, a sergeant.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Syphilis, sir,” replied the sergeant.
“Do you know what your treatment is?”
“Yes, sir. I take the pills three times a day and scrub the infected parts with a brush.”
“Good,” commented the M.O. and moves onto the next bed, occupied by a corporal. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Gonorrhoea, sir,” answered the corporal.
“Do you know what your treatment is?”
“Yes, sir. I take the pills three times a day and scrub the infected parts with a brush.”
“Good,” commented the M.O. and moves onto the next bed, this time occupied by a lowly private. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Ulcers on the tongue, sir,” said the private.
“Do you know what your treatment is?”
“Yes sir. It’s the same as the other two, but I try and get the brush first......”

..................................................................................................................................

Q: How do you tell if a girl’s ticklish?
A: Give her a couple of test tickles.




Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 219
A bloke walks into a brothel, and asks for the Madame.
“How can I help you, Sir?” she inquired.
“I’m looking for a special woman,” he said. “A tall blonde, but with no figure whatsoever. No bum, no waist, no tits – nothing. Could you provide such a woman?”
“Mmmmmm,” mused the Madame, “difficult, but I’ll see what I can do. If you leave me your address and telephone number, I’ll get back to you.” The bloke writes down the number, leaves £50 on account and returns home.
As soon as he gets home, his phone is ringing, and it’s the Madame.
“I’ve got the girl. She’s exactly as you requested – an animated knitting needle,” and she goes into more detail.
“Perfect,” said the bloke. “If the £50 covers everything, could you send her over immediately?”
“She’s on her way,” said the Madame. Fifteen minutes later, the bloke gets a knock on the door. Standing on the doorstep is the skinniest woman you have ever seen in your life. Compared to her, an Ethiopian would have been called ‘fat’. The bloke invited her into his lounge.
“What I’d like you to do is to take all your clothes off and get on your hands and knees in the middle of the room. I won’t be a moment.” As the bloke left the room, the woman removed her clothes. As she got down on the hands and knees, she heard a deep throated ‘WOOF, WOOF’ and the biggest Old English Sheepdog she had ever seen bounded into the room, followed by the bloke. Before she had time to protest, the bloke pointed at the woman, looked at the dog and said, “THAT’S what you look like when you don’t eat you Winalot!”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A typist, just starting work for the day, noticed that the crack in her window pane had got noticeably longer, so she rang up the maintenance department and reported it as a fault. An hour later, an engineer arrived to sort the problem out. He took one look at the crack, and pulled out a hand drill from his tool-bag. He then slowly drilled a small hole in the pane just ahead of the encroaching crack. The typist was watching this with some interest.
“Excuse my curiosity, but what, exactly, are you doing? I don’t see the point of it.”
“Well,” explained the engineer, “ we let the crack spread of its own accord, but when it reaches the drilled hole, it stops.”
“Oh,” exclaimed the typist. “Is that why I’ve got a belly-button?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Colonel-in-Chief of the regiment, the Queen makes a tour of the regimental barracks. This takes in a visit to the Medical Wing, where the sole occupant was a private.
“What ails you?” asked her majesty.
“I’ve got a rash on my b#llocks, Ma’am”, replies the soldier. The Queen makes a hurried departure.
The Regimental Sergeant Major heard about this, and strode to the Medical Wing. “WHAT THE F#CKING HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, YOU F#CKING STUPID C#NT? “ roared the R.S.M. “HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF TACT... DIPLOMACY...ANYTHING LIKE THAT?????”
“N..N..N..No,” quivered the private, clearly shaking with fear at this verbal assault.
The R.S.M. lowered his voice, but just as sternly explained. “You don’t mention your private parts like that to a lady, never mind the Queen. You should have said that you had a rash on your feet, or something like that. Yes, it isn’t the whole truth, but it sounds better. You got that?”
“Y..Y..Yes, Sar’nt Major.”
Two days later, as the honorary C.O. Princess Anne was on a similar tour of the barracks. She, too, visited the Medical Wing, and spoke to the private. “What are you suffering from, private?”
Remembering the bollocking he received from his R.S.M. the private replied, “I’ve got a rash all over my feet, Ma’am”.
“Oh,” responded Anne, “so it’s spread, then?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Izzy was walking down Golders Green High Street, and he looked into a butchers shop. He saw a selection of beautiful pork fillet steaks, so he thought, “Bugger the religion, I’m having them.” So he walked into the shop a bought a couple.
He took them home, put them under the grill and put some onions and mushrooms into a frying pan. As this lot is cooking, his son walks in.
“Watcha doing, Papa?” He looks into the grill. “A pork fillet. I’m going straight to the Rabbi!”
“No, no, son, there’s no need for that. Tell you what, I’ll give you 50 quid or a new suit. What do you want?”
“I’ll take the 50 quid, Papa.”
“OK, Son”, he says, pulling £50 out of his wallet, “there you go, now don’t mention this to the Rabbi, OK?”
“OK, Papa,” said his son, who now disappears off.
Just then, his daughter walked into the kitchen. “Hi, Papa, what’s cooking?” She too looked into the grill. “Pork fillets? I’m going to tell Momma!”
“No, no,” pleaded her father. “I’ll give you 50 quid or a new outfit, What do you want?”
“OK, Papa, I’ll have a new outfit.”
“Right, when you need it, let me know. Until then, keep schtum, OK?”
“OK, Papa”. Shortly after she left, the pork was ready, and Izzy devoured it.
The following morning, Izzy was walking to the newsagent, feeling miserable as sin, when he bumped into his old friend Moshe.
“Hello, Izzy,” greeted Moshe, “why the long face?”
“Well,” said Izzy, “I turned Christian yesterday for 20 minutes, and straight away, I got turned over by a couple of Jews!”




Remember I was asking (asking? Pleading, more like!) for an M400 Mellotron? Well.....

I'VE NOW GOT ONE!
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