EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?”
The patient implored, "Please... Break my arms!"

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“I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Melanie to Colleen.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Colleen responded.
"He did." Melanie replied "That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

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Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. The mysterious old woman said, "For ten pounds, I will read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

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They had just been married that afternoon and had journeyed to the city to spend their honeymoon. Night had fallen and the bride had already put on the beautiful silken nightie reserved for the occasion and was lounging voluptuously upon the bed. For an hour now, the groom, still fully dressed, had been gazing out the window into the darkness.
Impatiently his bride addressed him. "Why don't you undress, John, and come to bed?"
"Never mind me," he replied. "Go ahead and go to sleep. My mother told me this would be the most wonderful night I'd ever see and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

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One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud dad stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found that it was full.
"Here's the problem", the Doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was mystified "But the package says it’s good for up to 10 lbs!"

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Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The surgeon hands him the needle and says, "OK, suture self."

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Paddy was on holiday in Canada. Whilst he was in Calgary, the famous Calgary Stampede Rodeo was taking place, so he went to see it.
He was particularly intrigued by the Bucking Bronco competition, where professional horsemen tried to stay on an unbroken stallion for as long as possible. When the main competition had finished, the P.A. made the announcement that members of the general public could have a go on a Bucking Bronco. Paddy fancied his chances, and made his way to the paddock.
As he was about sixth in line to have a go, he watched other amateurs have a go, and they only lasted a few seconds before being deposited on their behinds. When his turn came around, he was suitably strapped in on top of the stallion, and before he knew it, the gate was opened and the horse bolted out into the arena.
To the utter amazement of the spectators, and the original competitors, Paddy managed to hang on. The bronco twisted, turned and bucked like fury, trying to dislodge Paddy, but to no avail – Paddy hung on for dear life. After about 40 seconds, the bronco gave up. It had been 'broken'. The P.A. announced that not only had Paddy broken the Stampede record for amateur riders, but also had bettered the winning time for that year’s professional contest. Paddy dismounted the heavily perspiring beast and walked back to the paddock. As he reached the saddling enclosure, one of the cowboys yelled down, “ Oi, Paddy, how long have you been riding horses?”
“I’ve never done that before,” replied Paddy. “It’s my first time”.
“Then how did you learn how to stay on for so long?” asked the cowboy.
“That’s easy,” said Paddy, ”the wife’s an epileptic.”

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A coloured chap died and duly knocked on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter arrived, took one look at him and refused him entry.
“Sorry,” said St. Peter, “we’ve already had our full quota of blacks for the week. We just had a large intake from South Africa.” (This is a VERY old joke!) “You’ll have to go downstairs.”
“But I think I’m a special case. You see, I’m from Alabama...”
“Yeah, so?” retorted St. Pete.
“My wife was white.”
“WHAT?” shrieked St. Peter, incredulously, “You’re joking, surely?”
“No, sir. My wife was white. All of her family was at the wedding. In fact, her father and all her brothers are in the Ku Klux Klan.”
“In that case”, admired St. Peter, “I can let you in. By the way, how long were you married?”
“About 30 nanoseconds.”

Count Dracula walked into a pub. He slid up to the bar and whispered in his deep and croaking voice “I’d like a pint of water, please.”
“Pardon?” said a disbelieving barman.
“I’d like a pint of water, please,” repeated the Count.
“Come off it, pal!” retorted the barman. “You are Count Dracula. You don’t drink water.”
“Nevertheless,” said the Count, with a mixture of exasperation and menace in his voice, “I want a pint of water.”
“OK, you’re the customer,” and the barman gave him a pint of tap water. Before the barman had a chance to serve someone else, Dracula whipped out a used tampax and dunked it into his water, saying to the barman, “Have you never heard of tea-bags?”

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A bloke, having a pint in his favourite pub, couldn’t help but notice a beautiful woman wearing the tightest denim jeans he had ever seen. With burning curiosity, he went over, and said, “Excuse me, miss, but I have to ask this. How on earth do you get into those jeans?”
“Well,” she replied with warmth in her voice, “the first thing you do is buy me a drink...”

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A young man was doing his best to get his wicked way with a young lady.
“Would you make love to me if I gave you 50 pence?” he asked.
“Certainly not!” snapped the young lady. “What sort of woman do you think I am?”
After a pause, he asked “Would you make love to me if I gave you a million pounds?”
This made the lady think. “Perhaps,” she slowly responded.
“Well,” he asked,” Would you make love to me if I gave you 60 pence?”
“Certainly not!” snapped the young lady. “What sort of woman do you think I am?”
“Oh, I know what sort of woman you are,” he said with a hint of superiority in his voice. “All we’re doing now is haggling over the price!”

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Halfway through a geography lesson, Richard put his hand up. “Please, miss. Can I go for a pee?”
“I BEG YOUR PARDON??” shrieked the teacher.
“Please, miss..may...I......” Richard’s voice tapered off into silence.
“That is the most disgusting language I have ever heard from this class! Do you say that at home?”
Richard nodded.
“Well, you’re not going to say it here,” she said firmly. “In future, if you want to do...that...you ask for a number one. If you want to do the other,” (she couldn’t lower herself to say ‘poo’), “you ask for a number two. Is that clear?”
“Yes, miss,” the class chorused, and Richard was allowed to go to the toilet. The lesson resumed.
After about ten minutes, Margaret put her hand up. “Please, miss, can I go for a number two?”
“Yes, Margaret, off you go.” After she had left the room, the teacher said, ”Now that’s the proper way to ask, isn’t it, Richard?” Richard nodded.
After another fifteen minutes, Simon put his hand up. “Please, miss, can I go for a number one?”
“Yes, Simon, of course you can,” and Simon rushed off. “I think you’ve all learned a new lesson, today, class.” Just then, she spotted Johnny on the back row, who is clearly in some sort of distress, with a hint of blue in the colour of his face. “Johnny, what’s the matter? Are you all right?”
“Please, miss,” he said, rather tearfully, “I need to fart, but I don’t know the code!”

At the end of last year, I was walking down Oxford Street in London. As I was passing Boots the Chemist, I happened to glance at their window display. It was full of Tampax tampons of all different colours. Green ones, orange ones, blue ones – all the colours of the rainbow. Apparently, this was just for the Christmas period.

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Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh blast, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."
The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What’s wrong? Don't you like getting flowers?"
The Brunette says, "Oh certainly...but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The Blonde replies, "Don't you have a vase?"

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A blonde female was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang; it was her husband. "Honey, I just heard on the news, there’s a car going the wrong way on the M8. Please be careful".
The blonde replies, "It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them".

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Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang. (You can gather from this that this is an old joke!)
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I’m ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there’s meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army by 1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin¹s micro-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites surround my military complexes. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!” said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there's no feckin’ way we can feed two million prisoners."

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs’ legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don't f#cking think so!”

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Two blokes were sitting in the topmost bar of the Empire State Building, supping pints. One of them said, “Did you know that if you jump from the window of this bar, by the time you get to the 10th floor, the wind is so intense that it blows you through a window, back into the Empire State Building?”
The barman, who heard this conversation, shook his head in disapproval, but carried on cleaning the glasses in silence.
“Bullshit!” said the second bloke, “You’re having a laugh!”
“No, it’s true. Watch this” whereupon the first bloke ran across the floor of the bar and threw himself over the balcony into space. The second bloke, scared out of his wits, ran to the balcony to see what was happening. Sure enough, as soon as the first bloke reaches the 10th floor window, a gust of wind whips him through a window. He then took the lift back to the bar.
The second bloke couldn’t believe what he had just seen. “That was bloody incredible! It must’ve been a pure fluke!”
“No, not at all,” said the first bloke. “I’ll do it again,” and, sure enough, the first bloke ran across the floor of the bar and threw himself over the balcony again. Another gust of wind blew him back through a 10th floor window, and he returned to the bar via the lift. “OK,” said the first bloke, “you have a go.”
“What the hell. He did it twice, so it must be easy,” so he threw himself over the balcony. He hit 42nd Street with a sickening “SPLATT!”
Back in the bar, the barman, who had maintained his silence, shook his head, and said, “You can be a total sod when you’ve got a drink inside you, Superman!”

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
1) I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you.
2) I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you.
3) I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
“Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just so long as YOU understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

A Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late...doing what?" he asked.
"Getting a second opinion!"

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" despite her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It read, "It's 5:00 am, wake up."

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Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

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Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car...Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"

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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed services. He ordered that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster, walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first brother and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in, NOW! Get all the paper work done – the lot – everything. Do it!"
The aide hustles the first brother off. The general looks at the second brother and asked, "What skills could you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Shee-it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

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One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Jennifer.”
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Jennifer is actually your half- sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"

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George W. Bush and Gordon Brown are sitting in a pub, having a pint. A bloke walks in and says to the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Brown sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the bloke walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Brown says, "We're planning WW III ".
The bloke says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Brown says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.”
The bloke exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Brown turns to Bush, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart arse, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

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Two friends, Bubba and Billy-Joe, rented a boat and went fishing in the bayou. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to return to the shore, Bubba said to Billy-Joe, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Bubba said, "Did you mark that spot?”
"Yeah,” replied Billy-Joe, “I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
"That was dumb!” said Bubba, “What if we don't get the same boat today?"

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An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
"[censored]," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."

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A young couple were on their honeymoon and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.
The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her. "How old are you my dear?" the doctor asked.
"I’m 22," replied the wife, "why?"
The doctor replied, "Because it says on your #rse that you were born in 1755."

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis for a full recovery is good."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"

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A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could have deduced this so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

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In a city park stood two statues, one male and the other female. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 60 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After thirty minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes smiling and obviously satisfied. However, the angel looked at his watch quizzically, and said the statues, "You’ve still got thirty minutes left. Don’t you want more?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL sh#t on its head!"

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A huge convoy of trucks have left Dublin heading for the Gulf. Half the trucks have sand, half have cement. Sources say they are planning a huge mortar attack.

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Q: What's the different between a British tank and an Iraqi tank?

A: Don't ask me, I'm American.

ok, so this guy won $164 MILLION dollars.

What would you do?

This is what he did.

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well", said the man, “I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend,” reassured the doctor, “this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, it worked alright,” said the man. “For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So,” asked the doctor, quizzically, “what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied "but the wife does."

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A man got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local bar. He made such a racket slamming into the furniture as he weaved through the house, he woke his wife upstairs in the bedroom.
"What the hell are you doing down there?" she screamed down the stairs. "Get your #rse up here to bed before you wake up the neighbours!"
"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs!" he yelled back.
"Leave it until the morning!"
"I can't," he yelled, "I drank it!"

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the bloke was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old bloke said, "I'm a haggis hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing haggis’s up and down the glens."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
The old bloke said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old bloke said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he hunted haggis with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a haggis hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?"
The old bloke said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? How old is he?"
The old bloke said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went haggis hunting with you this morning too?"
The old bloke said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, “GOT MARRIED???” Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old bloke said, "Who said he wanted to?"

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A guy goes for his annual check-up and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.
"Well," says the doctor, "You're in pretty good health, however I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you."
"OK, let me have the good news first," requests the guy.
"You're penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical."
"GREAT!" exclaims the guy, "but what's the BAD news?"
The doctor replies, "It's malignant!"

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Frank and Lisa went out to a restaurant. Both of them ordered the chicken gujons for dinner. When they arrived, Lisa stopped the waitress.
"Just a minute! Why do I have only 4 pieces when my husband Frank has 5?"
The waitress told them the dinners were by weight.
"Weight??? Nobody weighed us when we came in!"

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A little girl runs into her house, tears running down her face She races up to her mother and says, "Mummy, Mummy, can I have a glass of cider?"
"Why on earth do you want cider?" asks her concerned yet confused mother.
"To take the pain away," sobs the little girl
Obviously the mother refuses, but the girl keeps on crying and eventually her mother pours her a glass of cider in an attempt to shut her up
The little girl grabs the glass and immediately puts her hand into it. "It doesn't work," screams the little girl
"What do you mean?" asks her mother
"Well," sniffs the little girl, "I overheard the big girl next door say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she has to get it in cider!"

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Shortly after the baby was born, the panicking Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"That’s not possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"OK, then," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year or so. We only made love about once or twice a month."
"Well, there you have it," the doctor said confidently, "it's just rust!"

A man is having problems with his penis, which had certainly seen better days. He consulted a doctor who, after a couple of tests, said, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out and you’ve probably only got 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walked home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asked him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He told her what the doctor told him. She said, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replied, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home, and your name isn't on it."

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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doctor, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy b#stard."
"Okay," said the man. "Now what’s the medical term for that? I have to tell my wife something."

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The medics rushed Solly Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and most of the morning and finally transfer him to the CCU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Solly's physician comes into his room and says, "Solly, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Solly goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Solly. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."
Solly was dejected and somewhat frustrated, so next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Solly, not a problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad”, and he wrote:
'Mr. Soloman Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz, M.D.'
“Now,” continued the doctor, “I'll just address this. By the way, Solly, what's your wife's first name?"
"Er....... could you just write 'To Whom It May Concern?’"

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"OK, I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Maserati or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision will be yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Mick Hucknall was arrested last night for having sex with an underage rabbit. Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention!

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurant owner, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush, Senior, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck on this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh#t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh#t, now we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."