EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the priest asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Father," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind him!"

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The wife of Morris went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband had been missing for 3 weeks. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "Morris is 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had blue eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs about 13 stone, is soft-spoken and is good to our children."
Sherry, her next-door neighbour protested. "No he isn’t! Your husband is 53 years old, 5 foot 6 inches, fat, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Shut it, Sherry! Who the hell wants HIM back?"

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying there a few minutes the old man farts and said, "Try. Five points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Try, five points. Tied score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Try, I'm ahead 10 to 5."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Another try, tied score again." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 - 10."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting, he sh#ts the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Change sides."

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A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Bristol Parachute Club".
A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the Bristol Prostitute Club"?
“No sir", came the firm and stern reply, "this is the Bristol Parachute Club".
"Sh#t!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week".

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A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to give it a go.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of the meal, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think so, but I'm not sure if I can get another bread roll to go up my #rse...”

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A little old lady had always wanted to join the local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A huge, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms and chest answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my t#ts a few times."

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet and had the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That is a very nice fire engine," the fireman said with admiration.
"Thank you," the girl said.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Partner," he said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.”

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Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to Church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

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The grizzled old Regimental Sergeant Major was personally conducting the course in boot camp. He growled at me: "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling towards camp, what procedure would you follow?"
"Well, Sergeant Major," I answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."

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One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner - Mother Potato, Father Potato, and their three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise and delight as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married...That's wonderful! And who are you marrying?"
"I'm marrying a Jersey Royal!" the eldest daughter replied.
"A Jersey Royal!" said Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Jersey Royal is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" asked Mother.
"I, too, am getting married!"
"And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying a King Edward," beamed the middle daughter.
"A King Edward!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, a King Edward is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
"Mother...erm, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters getting married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying John Motson!"
"John Motson? JOHN MOTSON?!?!?!" Mother Potato scowls. "But he's a common tater!"

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Heather and Senga hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Senga confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me?’" Senga asked.
"No,” Heather replied, “he said 'put your money away'!"

Lots of little one's today

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A pint please, and one for the road."

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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says, “What are you supposed to be?'
The man says, "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" shrieks the woman.
The man says, "I've just come in my pants."

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Two T.V. aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The Doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome," said the doctor.
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for pants. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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Answer phone message "....If you want to buy any marijuana, press the hash key...."

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog's gone cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's bloody heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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A man walks into the doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Q: How does a surgeon commit suicide?

A: He jumps from his ego to his I.Q.

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The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. “Have you ever been X-Rayed” asked the nurse.
“Nope,” replied the belle, “but I’ve been ultra-violated a few times.”

A fruit grower called to see the buyer for a supermarket chain with what he claimed to be a new apple. The buyer tried it. "It tastes just like a Granny Smiths,” he said.
"Turn it round and try again," said the grower.
The buyer turned the apple and bit again. His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "That side tastes like Golden Delicious!"
"Yes! Brilliant, isn't it?"
"It may be, but I can't buy them. People want to buy either Granny Smiths' or Golden Delicious. Not both in one fruit. Go away and do something really new with the same technique."
So a few years later, the grower comes back and presents the buyer with another apple. "Try this."
The buyer bites it. "Wow! It tastes like an orange!"
"Turn it round and try again."
"Oh my! That side tastes like banana!"
"Isn't it great?"
"It's very clever, but not marketable. People who want oranges or bananas buy oranges or bananas. You'll have to bring me something they can't buy any other way."
So the grower returns a few years later. "Now this one is truly unique. It tastes like a woman."
Intrigued, the buyer bites into it. His face screws up, he retches and exclaims, "Oh sh#t!"
"Turn it round, turn it round."

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Since their wedding day three years before, Cindy had been nagging Bill to tell her about his past. "Come on tell me," she asked again, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Honey, if I told you, you'd just get mad," he replied.
"No I won't, I promise. Please tell me," she pleaded.
Finally he said, "Well, OK, then. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, YOU, seven, eight...."

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A 100-year-old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter.
"Well, I don't drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer, "and, I make it a point to stay well away from wild women."
Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigarette in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd, grinned and cackled "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What the hell was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

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Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."
A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."
A moment or two later, Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."
In response, "Screw YOU, Sammy," Molly says.
After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"

Once upon a time, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Jaysus, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey," he called, "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory! And I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they replied.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
He couldn't resist this, so he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots ever. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "Right, what else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and whispered softly, "There's one other thing you must try. You see them rabbits over there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're lady rabbits. We sh#g them. Go and give it a go."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning sh#gging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the lads. "That was utterly incredible," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I’ve had a really great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm simply dying for a smoke."


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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing nappies.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby!"

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Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to the local hospital.
The on-duty surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got the job done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work"
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the football pitch."
Sam went to the football pitch and there was John, kicking 25-yard goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

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Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. It’s disgusting. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," Johnny responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"Yes I do." Johnny corrected. "It means the car won't start."

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Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "every once in a while, my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor,” Dan replied. “That's why I want the divorce."

Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked by one of them, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?"
Ray answered, "That’s easy. I just never argue with anyone."
The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else - diet, meditation or something like that. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 175 years!"
The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds then he shrugged his shoulders. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."

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One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows mating. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing, darling?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
"Oh, I see!" she replies, while trying to hide her knowing expression.
After a couple more hours of driving they pass two horses mating. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, darling?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
"Oh, I see!" she replies.
Finally, they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other’s body. The bride discovers her husband’s privates.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "but I need more rope. Undo those knots!"

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "No, they’re too loose."
The man then said, "OK, don’t worry. I’ve got another pair - try your luck with these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Now they’re too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. "Don’t panic. I’ve got one more pair. Try them."
"They fit perfectly," the speaker said, with great relief. With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. I've been looking for a good dentist for ages. Where’s your surgery? "
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

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If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life, I think I'd have to pick underpants.

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My great-uncle was a circus ringmaster.
A lorry carrying the world’s fattest man, the lobster boy and the bearded lady ran over him.
It was a freak accident.

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Our Dad says kids today are very different, and much more biased than when he was a kid. For example, when he takes them to the store, they say, "Bias this" and "Bias that."

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It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." Without waiting for an answer, she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of knickers!” The dice stop rolling and come to a standstill. "YES...YES... I WIN!" she screamed at the top of her voice. With that she picks up all the money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

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A farmer has about 200 hens, but no cock and he wants eggs and chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a cock. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great cock, called Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the cock costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the cock a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service, you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. WHOOSH - he nails every hen on there three or four times each and the farmer is amazed. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHOOSH - he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is leaping on the bones of every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is a bit worried that his expensive cock won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy lying on his back in the middle of the yard with his feet pointing skyward.
The vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and says, "B#gger off, will you. They're getting closer, and you’ll scare them off!"

Hi Naitch
With regard to that last joke and the randy cock, Jasper Carrott sang a song on that very subject (written by Jake Thackaray)on the album "Carrott in Notts" made in about the late 70's.

Hi Kwak

Yes, I know. I've got the "Carrott in Notts" album, AND I saw him do it on TV (from where the album came from). However, all Thackeray did was put a joke to music. I actually first heard the joke in the mid 1970's. On the subject of Carrott albums, you want to look out for the one he hawked around in the mid 1970's, when he first started out. He ran a folk club in Solihull called "The Boggery" and toured the country. He made his own 12" album, called "Jasper Carrott - In The Club", whose cover sleeve had him pictured outside a Mothercare shop with a pillow up his shirt! It contains the original "Magic Roundabout" sketch, which was on the b-side of his God-awful "Funky Moped" single. Everyone bought it for the b-side!

Anyway, to return to normality



A high-powered businessman had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital. He was a royal pain in the #rse towards the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The Ward Sister was the only one who could stand up to him.
One day, she came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No,” the sister said, "for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he dropped his pyjama bottoms, rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well... yes... I have, but not with a carnation!”

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A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong as well."

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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"
"It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business!” snapped the old man. “Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this was the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less f#cking lawyer..."

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A lady walks into Boot’s and asks the chemist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband," said the lady, calmly
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" said the astonished chemist
The lady lays down a photograph of a man and a woman having sex. The man is her husband and the woman is the chemist's wife. He takes the photograph and slowly nods.
“I’m so sorry”, the chemist said with regret in his voice, "I didn't realize you had a prescription.”

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So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a “very big” sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

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A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time, the priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something at his next service.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who, among you, will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who, among you, will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who, among you, will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question – has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny Beamer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and, soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his willie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of this story? - When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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An American tourist in London found himself needing to pee something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public conveniences anywhere, so he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"’Ello, ‘ello ’ello, what you think you’re doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, “but I’ve really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him round a couple of corners to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here you go," said the policeman, "pee away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this what they call British courtesy?"
"No," replied the policeman. "This is what they call the French Embassy."

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The poor West Country vicar was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a £250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Cor, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the vicar persisted, "You know how to deal with him - just say to him, "Get behind me, Satan!’"
"I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"

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Ken Livingstone walks into a pub with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks Ken what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies Ken.
"Why's that?" asks the barman.
"Because he's my newt."

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A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 6 stones in weight, otherwise he would be running into some very serious health problems. As he wondered how he would ever do it, he came across an advert in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah, I’ll bet!" he thought to himself. But he was desperate, so he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answered it, there stood before him was a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in absolutely nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he took off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and had his wicked way with her. After they are through and she left, he thought to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl showed up for the next two days and the same thing happened. On the fourth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to find he had lost 10 lb. as the company had promised.
He called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch me, you can have me." He dived out of the door after her like a shot. This girl was in excellent shape and it took him a while to catch her, but when he did, it was worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happened. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighed himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. again, as the company promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is a most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opened it, he found a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

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A bloke died and went to heaven. Just as he was allowed through the Pearly Gates, he noticed that almost everywhere he looked, there were clocks. Clocks hanging on walls, clocks bolted to the side of celestial cars and, in some cases, clocks hanging on chains around the necks of angels.
“Excuse me,” the bloke asked St. Peter, “what are all these clocks?”
“Well,” said St. Peter, “they’re all Lie Clocks. For every man, woman and child, past and present, there is a clock that moves on by 1 second for every fib and lie that person tells.”
The bloke was impressed. He saw one clock that was at 12 midnight. “Who’s clock is that?” he asked.
“That’s Joan of Arc’s clock,” said St. Peter. “She never told a lie in her entire life, so the clock remained at its start time.”
The bloke saw another clock, showing 2 seconds past midnight. “Who’s clock is that?”
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock,” replied St. Peter. “He only told 2 lies in his entire life.”
“So,” asked the bloke, with a little malice in his voice, “where’s Tony Blair’s clock?”
“Oh,” said St. Peter, “I’ve got that one in my office – it doubles up as a ceiling fan!”

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This angler walks into a fish shop with a 20-pound salmon under his arm. "Do you make fish cakes?" he asks.
"Yes" came the reply.
"Well" he says pointing to the salmon, "can you make one for him, cos it's his birthday on Tuesday?"