EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

ATTORNEY - Are you sexually active?
WITNESS - No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY - What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS - A Gucci sweater and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY - This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS - Yes.
ATTORNEY - And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS - I forget.
ATTORNEY - You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY - What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS - He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY - And why did that upset you?
WITNESS - My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY - Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS - We both do.
ATTORNEY - Voodoo?
WITNESS - We do.
ATTORNEY - You do?
WITNESS - Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY - Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS - Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY - The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS - Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY - Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS - Are you sh#ttin' me?
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ATTORNEY - So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS - Yes.
ATTORNEY - And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS - Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
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ATTORNEY - She had three children, right?
WITNESS - Yes.
ATTORNEY - How many were boys?
WITNESS - None.
ATTORNEY - Were there any girls?
WITNESS - Are you sh#ttin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY - How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS - By death.
ATTORNEY - And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS - Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY - Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS - He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY - Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS - Guess.
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ATTORNEY - Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS - No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY - Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS - All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY - ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS - Oral.
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ATTORNEY - Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS - The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY - And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS - No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY - Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS - Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY - Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS - Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY - I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS - Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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Thanks to an Endoscopy UK Service Engineer for these beauties. To add my own contribution...

Q - How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A - His lips move!

Q - What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff?
A - A good start!

A lawyer was walking down the street when, unknown to him, he trod into a pile of doggie-doo. A few paces further on, he noticed it, and collapsed on the pavement screaming "I'M MELTING!"

The Naitch

Any luck with your Mellotron yet? Maybe you'd be better off getting into vintage micro's.

No, nothing doing. There's a Mark V Mellotron on eBay at the moment, but...
A) it's in the US, so transport costs will be horrendous,
B) the bloke is looking for >$9000, coupled with...
C) a Pound that's dropping like a brick against the yankee Dollar.

So, basically, not a chance. I'll probably go for a software package (M-Tron, Pro-Tron or Sampletron)

One day you'll strike lucky, and one will turn up, previously long forgotten in someone's attic (or, loft, if you prefer) ... just down the road. I have recently picked up a load of "vintage" test equipment that came up like that following the recall of a good old boy to "that great workshop in the sky"!

The "secret" there, is (of course) not having too many people know about it ... and once stuff is posted on eBay, well ... the whole world is in the know! Then your only hopes are a) That's it's an auction of short duration, and b) That the thing has been incorrectly catalogued (as sometimes happens, when the seller doesn't know what the item actually is) ... but then, how would you come across it?

But, we live in hope, do we not?

PS: I notice that the M-Tron stuff attracts a fair amount of interest (bidders), too.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.

Lee

A cat goes to Heaven and is met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says to the cat. As you were such a gentle and caring cat whilst you were alive you can have whatever you like up here. The cat replies that it would like a satin cushion to sleep on. This said St Peter would be done and the cat was allowed to pass through the gates
Next some mice stood at the gate and were met by St Peter. St Peter said to the mice. As you were such good mice when you were alive and did not steal any food or damage any property you can have anything that you want in heaven. After they had spoken with each other they said to St Peter that they would like roller skates just like they had seen children wearing. This said St Peter would be done and the mice were allowed to pass through.
The next day St Peter went round to see the cat and asked how things were, the cat replied that it was very comfortable and how kind he had been in sending around the meals on wheels the previous evening.

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

Lee

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Lee

Subject: TURKEY RECIPE ~ Just in time!



Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in
baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

Lee

Two Blondes Shopping

Two blondes walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI”, what does that mean?

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

DW - I thought this was funny!