EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Irish jokes

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'



Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

Lee

A man working in an office has been refused annual leave but wants the day off to take his son to football. He goes into work to convince his boss that he is mad and needs to be sent home.
His boss arrives and finds the man hanging upside down from the cieling claiming to be a lightbulb. "What on earth are you doing"? says the boss..."I'm a lightbulb" replies the man.
"You best go home, you are clearly insane and need some time off to get better".
Blond administrator asks why the man is going home. Boss replies that he thinks he is the lightbulb and must go home ill. The blond turns to leave the office. Boss asks "where do you think you're going". Blond replies "Can't work with no lights"!!!

Three nuns were attending a cubs baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns in the hope that they would become annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy started:- "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only one hundred nuns living there".

Then the second guy piped up with:- "I want to go to Montana. There are only fifty nuns living there".

The third guy said:- "I want to go to Idaho. There are only twenty-five nuns living there".

At last one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very calm, sweet, voice said:- "Why don't you go to Hell? There aren't any nuns there"!

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

'Had him circumcised...'


Lee

Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broke and we can't get RTE1

Lee

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

The blonde quickly responded, 'How about £50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes .'

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.'

I'm impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her.



'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi.'

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'





Lee

An end of year message

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a special big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat [censored] in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft is sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the £50.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will [censored] on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber.

By the way.....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Lee

OK, it's been a while, but I've 'researched' some more jokes. I'll give 'em to you in several big doses!


A man runs in the pub sweating profusely. He says to the landlord, "Quick, give me a pint of lager! I’ve a raving nymphomaniac in the back of my car and I need a drink".
"Just take it easy", says the landlord, "I'll sort her out".
So off he goes outside, gets in the back of this car and carries on where the bloke left off.
Just then a policeman shines a torch on them and says, "What’s going on here, then". The landlord says, "It’s OK, officer, I’m just giving my wife one".
"I'm sorry sir, I didn’t realise it was your wife", says the officer.
"Neither did I until you shone that torch" says the landlord.

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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol has the generic name of Paracetamol. Similarly, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The DoH has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

As a sort-of follow on - there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections but absolutely no idea what to do with them!

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God appears to a man and tells him that if he wants to go to heaven, he must give up smoking, drinking and sex. The man says he will try.
A week passes by and God returns to see how he has gone on. "Not bad!" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but the other day my wife was bending over the freezer and I couldn’t help myself. I had to have her!"
"They won’t like that in heaven" says God.
"They weren’t very happy about it in Tesco, either" says the man.

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work beer when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
”Paint my house.”

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I’ve just been on holiday to Blackpool, and while I was there, I saw a man with a dog. The dog wouldn’t stop barking so the man hit it with a stick and killed it.
His wife had a right go at him and he hit her with the stick and killed her as well.
Someone called the police and when the policeman tried to arrest him, he killed him by hitting him with the stick.
To top it all, the crocodile ran away with the sausages.

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A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?”
The biker said, “Holy cow, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”

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A Blonde was walking along a river bank when she spotted another Blonde on the other bank. She called across to her, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other Blonde gazed up and down the river then replied, "You ARE on the other side"

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A lorry driver hit the back of a car at a set of traffic lights.
The car driver, who turned out to be a dwarf got out and said "I'm not happy".
The lorry driver said, "Well, which f#cking one are you then?".

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Due to the credit crunch, I’ve decided to shop for my food at a cheaper supermarket.
I went to Lidl recently and bought some Korean meatballs.
I’m telling you, they are the dogs b#ll#cks!

...and to finish off.....

A drunk man, who smelled of booze, sat down on an underground train next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, looking at the man’s obvious state, replied, “My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow men, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I'll be damned!” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don't have it, Father, but I’ve just read here that the Pope does!”

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A Brunette goes to the doctor.
"Doctor", she says, "I'm really worried because I hurt all over".
"Show me", says the Doctor.
"Well", says the woman, "If I touch my nose it hurts, if I touch my knee like this it hurts, and if I touch my breasts it hurts - everywhere hurts!"
"Ah", says the Doctor, "you're actually a Blonde aren't you?"
"Well, yes", says the woman, "I'm a natural Blonde. How can you tell?"
"Because you've broken your finger", replied the Doctor.

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A bear walks into a pub and says "I'll have a pint of lager and.............
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........a packet of crisps, please".



The barman says "OK, but why the big pause?"


"Oh I dunno", says the Bear, "I suppose I was born with them"

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Looking at life from Adam's side:

God was strolling through the Garden of Eden when he came across Adam sitting under a tree.
"How's it going?" asked God.
"Oh……so-so," said Adam.
"You sound a bit p#ssed off," said God. "Is there a problem?"
"Well, it's just that I'm bored," said Adam. "The weather's good, the scenery's great and you pop by every now and again for a game of chess, but other than that……..I could really do with some company.
"I may have just the thing," said God, "Fresh in. She's beautiful, will keep your house spotless, keep the kids quiet and out of your way, terrific in bed and cordon bleu in the kitchen."
"Sounds great," said Adam. "Can I have one?"
"Of course," said God, "but it'll cost you an arm and a leg though."
"Oh," said Adam, thinking hard, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history!!!!


Merry Christmas!