EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the

bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Now You Know
>>
>> Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
>> transported by ship and it was also before the invention of
>> commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
>>> It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than
>>> when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become
>>> heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by
>>> product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below
>>> decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
>>> Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone
>>> came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
>>> Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
>>> determined just what was happening
>>> After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the
>>> instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the
>>> sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any
>>> water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo
>>> and start the production of methane.
>>> Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which
>>> has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
>>> You probably did not know the true history of this word.
>>> Neither did I.
>>> I had always thought it was a golf term.

If only that was true, but unfortunately it's not.

Anyway, back to the jokes;

Got to admire Emile Heskey......

he has a disasterous world cup......

comes home......

put's a frock on......

and wins the womens title at Wimbledon!!

Mark

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went into the back to make a sandwich.

This week, ALL our phones went dead, and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00AM and 7:00PM. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked, "Would you like us to call before we come?" He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (Does your e-mail work without a telephone line?)

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipts. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey, "I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man, "I already got that side."

..
..
S.hit is derived from the Old English nouns scite (dung, in place names) and scitte (diarrhoea), and the verb scitan (to defecate, as in bescitan, to cover with excrement).

The "Store High In Transit" thing has been disproved innumerable times, most notably by Barbara Mikkelson (8 July 2007). "Etymology of S.hit".
..

Well you learn new [censored] everyday. I guess my post is what you would call bull....[censored]

It was entertainment night at the Seniors Centre.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."



The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.


Claude the hypnotist said, "I want you each to keep your
eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering
into a hundred pieces.
"S HIT!" said the hypnotist.
*
*
*
It took 3 days to clean up the Seniors Centre.

Hiring cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, 'You are all part of our team now,' said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?'

The cannibals all shook their heads, 'No.'

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?'

A hand rose hesitantly.

'You fool!' the leader continued. 'For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.'

Submitted by real medical practitioners...

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .
'My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
‘Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked,' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ‘It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,’ Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read, ' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard.
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing land mines that look like prayer mats.

Business seems to be good, Prophets are going through the roof.