EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Infection Control

A man was visiting a new restaurant and noticed that all the staff including the manager carried a spoon in their shirt pocket.

On sitting down at the table he knocked the spoon on the floor and the nearest waiter immediately replaced it with the one from his pocket. Finding this a bit strange he asked the waiter why do the staff carry a spoon in their pocket?

Well the waiter said there's a easy explanation, last week the manager got a time and motion expert in and he found out that the most dropped utensil was the spoon and that if everybody had a spoon in their pocket it would save time.

When when he was paying the bill he noticed that the waiter had a string hanging out of his fly. Looking around all the waiters had a string hanging out of their fly, so he asked why the string?

Well said the waiter, the same expert found that if we tie a string to our you know what we can save 17% of our time in the bathroom by not washing our hands.

Wait a minute said the diner how do you get it back in your pants?

With this the waiter lent forward and whispered

First of all, don't blame me, it was John Cleese.......


ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Are you sure this is from John Cleese?
It looks like a non-English spelling of neighbour*.
RoJo


* Well it is for those of us over school age who still find sulfur annoying - even though it is now allowed in UK schools.

But it has the ring of truth about it, regardless.


As is so much else, unfortunately. Looking forward, then, to the next generation of dumbed-down sheeple. Despite each successive wave of hopefuls having had more spent* on their "education" than those who went before. It's all part of the Plan, you know.

* Tax-payer's money, of course.

Is "sulfur" an non-English spelling of Sulphur?

Ahem - jokes.....

Indeed. But on the subject of Americanizations, have a look at the missing letters in these...

English ---------------> USA

pyjamas -------------> pajamas ---------Y
moustache ----------> mustache --------O
colour ---------------> color ------------U

mollusc ------------> mollusk, -------------C
encyclopaedia ----> encyclopedia ---------A
bannister ----------> banister ------------N
carburettor --------> carburetor ----------T

cosy -----------------> cozy -------------S
sulphur -------------> sulfur --------------P
enquiry -------------> inquiry -------------E
fuelling -------------> fueling -------------L
labelling ------------> labeling ------------L

It seems that modern PhD's are a joke as well (as I had guessed all along)!

The Proof Geoff!!

Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for hau! lage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.