EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

I hope this brightens up a dull, cold rainy day. And make you wonder what happened to common sense.
In Honour of Stupid People.....

[In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.]



On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)


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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (....and you thought????...)

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On a Pifco hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


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On a bag of Doritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."(and that would be???....)


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On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)


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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)


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On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(..I'm taking this because???.....)


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On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)


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On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


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On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my Goodness.. was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



**** Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light ****

Robert

Is this drought wetter than last years drought?
Robert

From New Scientist on line magazine:

Keep your eyes shut

A notice in the lobby of the Hilton Hotel, Milton Keynes, UK, warns: "If you observe someone smoking in this building, security may be called." Concerned that if she inadvertently found herself observing someone smoking, this "might collapse into the state of security being called", Felicity Harper decided the best course of action was to keep her eyes closed at all times.

And my favourite:

Avoid prostate treatment when pregnant

THE website blurb for Prostamed, an "effective nutraceutical health solution for your prostate issues", assures that it is "an exclusive, all-natural, evidence-based formula designed specifically for adult men with prostate enlargement symptoms".

Ariel Kalma directs our attention to the last two lines of the page. "Are there any contraindication to Prostamed?" the blurb asks itself. "Pregnant women should avoid taking Prostamed for the safety of their baby," it answers.

We are reminded of a Feedback report on 21 October 2006 about a study in the oncology publication Cancer that examined "the fear and uncertainty that comes with a prostate cancer diagnosis - particularly among men".

Robert

Work versus Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

So why is it, again, that we work?

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody wasp never knew what hit it.

I liked this letter in the paper last week.

The writer was about to go out jogging, all resplendent in his sports kit. He turned to his wife and said "Do I look like Mo Farah?"

"No" came the flat reply. "Maybe Mia Farrow."

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom. Prince Charming came to its king and said: "I have fulfiled your task, Your Majesty!" -
"Have you...?" asked the king
"Yes, here you are three heads of that horrible tree-head dragon, in this sack!"
"God bless you, sonny! Anyway, here you are the hand of my beautiful daughter, in THIS SACK."

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Sorry Jack I do not get it.
Please explain.
Robert

There are a lot of Chuck Norris jokes on the 'net Robert.