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Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Posted By: Huw

Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/01/07 1:39 AM

Please continue the thread here ... smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/01/07 7:19 AM

Pay attention ! Who knows when these bits of advice will come in handy!

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

when she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh

is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,

you will find glory."


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure,why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up !

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there !


Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course
Posted By: Chris Watts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/01/07 6:48 PM

Archie the Eskimo was driving over the frozen wastes when his car sputters and comes to a stop.

Rather concerned he decides to phone the Inuit AA.

The mechanic arrives and after looking under the bonnet suddenly looks up and exclaims "I'm afraid it looks like you've blown a Seal"

At which point Archie quickly replies "No that's just frost on my moustache"!
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/07 12:22 PM

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said


*

*


*


*


*


*


"What's a headache?"
Posted By: Darth Welder

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/07 2:57 PM

How do you a fat Bird into Bed?............Piece of Cake! shades
Posted By: Bob Burs

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/07 4:40 PM

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d**kh**d?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"
Bob - www.woodenmen.co.uk
Posted By: Bob Burs

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/07 4:43 PM

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d**kh**d?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"
Bob - www.woodenmen.co.uk
Posted By: rob

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 31/01/07 11:40 AM

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me " Oi, whats your disability mate?" I said 'Tourrettes, you C---, now F--- O--.
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/07 3:02 PM

Have you heard that the turkeys in Suffolk thought that all their Christmases had come at once.
Posted By: Papa Doc

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/02/07 10:33 AM

No, but I did hear that Bernard Mathews was doing culled turkey! shades
Posted By: Blondie

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/02/07 2:59 PM

At the pharmacy, a man asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman at the counter


said that she herself was the pharmacist, and that she and her sister owned the store,
so there were no male employees. She asked how she could help.


The man said that it was something he would be more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist. She reminded him that she was completely professional, and he could speak
with her.

This is tough for me to discuss," he said, "but I have a permanent erection. So I was
wondering what you could give me for it."


"Just a minute", said the pharmacist, "I'll go talk to my sister." She returned a few
minutes later and said: "We discussed this at length. The absolute best we can do is,
1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car and £3,000 a month living expenses."
Posted By: Bob Burs

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/02/07 1:10 PM

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "You *******, I thought you were going to look after me."

"I would have done!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/02/07 9:46 AM

New version of an old joke.

A telling tale…

The senior staff of Marks & Spencer challenged the senior staff of the NHS to an annual canoe race to the held on the river Thames in support of Comic Relief. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance before the first race.

On the big day, the Marks & Spencer team won by a mile.

Patricia Hewitt was discouraged and depressed about the crushing defeat. She appointed a team of senior managers to investigate and to recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Marks & Spencer team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whilst the NHS team had eight people steering and one person rowing. Patricia did not like the report, so she hired a private management consultancy company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

The consultants opined that too many people were indeed steering the boat, whilst not enough people were rowing and that, in order to prevent another defeat, the NHS rowing team's management structure should be reorganized to four steering supervisors, three area steering superintendents and one assistant superintendent steering manager. They also recommended a new performance system, involving pre-determined targets that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work hard. The performance system was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" and the rower was required to attend twice weekly meetings throughout the year at which he ate bourbon biscuits, was given free pens and listened to presentations from consultant rowing specialists who, thought they had never rowed themselves, were very knowledgeable. There was much discussion about new paddles, canoes and other equipment which were all on order but had not yet arrived.

The next year Marks & Spencer won by two miles.

Humiliated, Patricia Hewitt laid off the rower for poor performance, halted the development of new canoes, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investment for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as redundancy payments and the following year the rowers were replaced by a team of "rowing specialists" who were cheaper and, though they had never been in a canoe before, "knew a lot about it."

Lee
Posted By: Graham Roberts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/02/07 12:49 PM


Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, 'Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Brown.

'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap - oh, and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, Eashing, or one of those villages, and we'll show we really enjoy life in the countryside.'

'Right PM' said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood' said Blair.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink, the dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzly old shepherd, complete with crook.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook; he walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'


'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone told them that there's a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.
Posted By: John Stewart

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/03/07 11:37 AM

Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Paddy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Paddy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Paddy looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..." "...I've quit drinking!"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/03/07 9:34 AM

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Lee

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/03/07 9:38 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

Lee

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/03/07 2:50 PM

Subject: too good to be true

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 Models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/03/07 7:10 AM

Subject: The meaning of life!


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day bythe door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walk past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"? So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you atwenty-year life span.

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dogdid"?

And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay."

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/03/07 11:02 AM

Fruit Polos

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"


Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/03/07 10:35 AM

NEW NHS MEDICAL DICTIONARY:-

Artery................... The study of paintings.

Bacteria................. Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................... What doctors do when patients die.

Benign.................. What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan.................. Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize................ Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................... A sheep dog.

Coma..................... A punctuation mark.

Dilate................... To live long.

Enema.................... Not a friend.

Fester................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................... A small lie.

Impotent................. Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain...............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff............ A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................... A higher E-bay offer.

Nitrates................. Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................... I knew it.

Outpatient............... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion................ Hiding something.

Seizure.................. Roman emperor.

Tablet................... A small table.

Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour.................... One plus one more.

Urine.................... Opposite of you're out.

Lee
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/03/07 1:17 PM

Nice one, Mate! Let’s hope that the next edition of the venerable “Bailliere's Nurses' Dictionary For Nurses” gets corrected accordingly. smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/03/07 3:53 PM

A few old jokes


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."


Lee
Posted By: RoJo

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 6:48 AM

For those of you who work in sandier places:

THE STORY OF TWO COWS

DUBAI SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all the magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legit and shady investors who hope to resale the nonexistent milk for a 100% profit in two years time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cow first to attract attention.

QATAR SYSTEM:
You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realized that cows could produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing; you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

SAUDI SYSTEM:
Since milking the cow involves nipples the Gov't decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other or to hire females and train them to milk the cows ... the debate is still going on.

BAHRAIN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Some high Gov't official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The Gov't tells you that there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the Gov't and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 month, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to all milk the cow at the same time and so cutting back on unemployment.

LEBANON SYSTEM:
You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by Hizbollah.

EGYPTIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak!

AMERICAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

FRENCH SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you wanted three cows.

RUSSIAN SYSTEM:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

BRITISH SYSTEM:
You have two
cows. Both are mad.

Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 8:12 AM

Mornin’ Robert. Nice one, but pity you left out Israeli cows (both big ‘uns, imported from good ‘ole Texas). And Iraqi cows (…all dead, I suppose). And English cows (…one is Scottish … the other made of soft plastic, following the advice of the H&SE, and having the added benefit of zero emissions)! smile
Posted By: Dicky

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 8:31 AM

ENGLISH COWS

Destroyed on the orders of DEFRA for not having the correct paperwork!
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 2:26 PM

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent?s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ?I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 3:09 PM

I've got an image in my head of Tony Blair saying "under lying inflation 5% NHS workers pay rise 2%, not enough beds and Trust's laying off staff because their broke, I ain't Bothered!”

I wonder if we could get Rory Bremner to do it?

Lee
Posted By: bill_mcg

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 3:55 PM


A follow on to Lee's cow jokes shamelessley ripped off another forum.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.



FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.



BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...



TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.



SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.



ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.



THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.



A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.



A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.



A POLISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.



A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.


IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....



WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.



AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to

Back to top

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/03/07 4:39 PM

Just one thing, it was RoJo that ripped off another forum.
Although I will take the credit if he doesn't want it.

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/03/07 9:42 AM

Another old chestnut

If you put a naked nurse in a padded cell with two ball bearings within ten minutes one will be lost and the other broken.

Lee
Posted By: Mark Radbourne

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/03/07 10:13 AM

Was it not three ball bearings?

One would be lost (and she would deny all knowledge of ever having seen it), one would be broken and the other one would be covered in sticky tape.

Mark
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/03/07 10:28 AM

How about four?

The fourth would be a totally different make from a different ward (who are looking for it as they've lost one) but could we fix it as we are here.

Lee
Posted By: PaulKWJ

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/03/07 12:17 PM

Im sure there is a 5th, she is convinced its not working (no other fault description), but we check it and conclude its user error!!
Posted By: PaulKWJ

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/03/07 8:54 PM

Im sure this test (on the address below) should be part of the interview process for EBME departments!!

http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf

Posted By: Jonathan Wells

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/03/07 3:19 PM

Originally Posted By: PaulKWJ
Im sure this test (on the address below) should be part of the interview process for EBME departments!!

http://users.skynet.be/bk258512/idiot_test.swf



Watch out mate! Don't give those t*ssers at the D*H any ideas after scrapping the MMC! grin
Posted By: Mark Radbourne

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/04/07 5:47 PM


The Living Will...

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.


Mark
Posted By: Aston Martin

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/04/07 12:42 PM

Difference between Cats and Dogs


The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe.

....For now.
Posted By: Hels

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/04/07 1:29 PM

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the littleboy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep [censored]."
Posted By: Aston Martin

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/04/07 7:58 AM

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything Under One Roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to
need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

A.M
Posted By: Steve

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/05/07 9:15 PM

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Spot the Deliberate Mistake - 22/06/07 9:05 PM

Some jokes for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger..

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"


Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Spot the Deliberate Mistake - 22/06/07 9:26 PM

Customers Are Idiots
These are supposed to be real call centre conversations.

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
-----------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I
am traveling in Australia ?"

Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
-----------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
have my file back again?".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------

A true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from
a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word
Perfect organization for Termination without Cause".
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not?"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure.."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f###ing stupid to own a computer.

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Spot the Deliberate Mistake - 25/06/07 8:50 AM

Subject: Who's Your Daddy ?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support

Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
These are genuine excerpts from the forms:


01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered

by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but

I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being

sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you

with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was

conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue , where I had unprotected sex with

a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I

fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone

number? Thanks.


04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW

that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps

you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it

replaced.


05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope

confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ

risen again.


06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do

so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the

British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the

country. Please advise.


07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the

same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.


08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can

you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?


09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney

maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .


10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for

sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd

have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146

Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when

you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


Lee



Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Spot the Deliberate Mistake - 17/07/07 7:24 AM

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner." I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said," You f*****s are my kind of people!"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Spot the Deliberate Mistake - 17/07/07 10:14 AM

Subject: Not rearing pigs. (Copy of a genuine letter sent to DEFRA)





Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR
16 May 2007



Dear Secretary of State,



My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000
from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the
"not rearing pigs" business.



In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.



I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?



As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?



My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.



If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?



I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?


In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.



I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.



Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill.


Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/07/07 10:27 AM

PERKS OF BEING OVER 40

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list .

15. You can’t count properly any more.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Forward this to every one you can remember


Lee
Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/07/07 10:57 AM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

Click to reveal..
"I would have gotten out today."


Click to reveal..
yes, men DO remember anniversaries! wink
Posted By: Graham Roberts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/08/07 9:25 AM

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
"Mommy,
I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army"

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/09/07 1:06 PM

Two guys are sentenced to death, they get up on the scaffold, the priest does the last rites, the prison governor does his little speech. Then he turns to the two guys and says, "You can have one last request each, what will it be?" he asks the first guy.
"Well I love James Blunt, could I hear that lovely song "Your beautiful" one last time?"
"No problem," says the governor, "What about you?" he asks the other prisoner.
"Can I go first?"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/09/07 10:48 AM

The State of the NHS Explained

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following
conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.



Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again .

This also resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

Lee
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/09/07 11:01 AM

You're wrong about Gloucester, there, Lee. We are proud to have the hard-working Mr. Parmjit Dhanda as our Labour MP. Sorry guys, if that's too much "politics" for you.

But we have had a fair amount of rain recently. smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/09/07 7:45 PM

Sorry Geoff it was a joke!
See if you prefer this one:-


"Test for Dementia"

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.








1. What do you put in a toaster?















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.













2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?



















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.













3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.













4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germanyat the time was politically divided into West Germanyand East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germanyand West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?






























Answer: You don't bury survivors.













If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question..













5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to MilfordHaven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at MilfordHaven. What was the name of the bus driver?





























Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!













Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!









Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS:95% of people fail most of the questions!!


Lee
Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/09/07 8:42 PM

Lee - check out the...
Click to reveal..
spoiler function


more....

Click to reveal..
You'll need to click on the 'reply' or 'switch to ...' screens (as opposed to the quick reply box) to use the spoiler
Posted By: Chris Watts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/10/07 7:47 PM

Two couples had been friends for a long time and one evening the husbands got together and suggested that they swap partners for the night. When first suggesting this to their wives, at first one wife didn't think it was a good idea but the other wife had a chat and to her husbands surprise quickly rushed off with her new partner.

Later that night the first wife who had been hasitent sat up in bed said, "My God! That was just wonderful, but ....
Click to reveal..
I wonder how the boys are getting on!" grin
Posted By: Steve Fisher

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/10/07 2:55 PM

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

"I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!"

"That's alright dear" he says "Your past is your past, and I have to admit I find it a bit erotic. Tell me about it!"

The wife says " Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan...."
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/10/07 6:35 AM

What men want....

A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest
girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship
sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,

nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat
wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side
of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much
but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged
their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for
many months.

You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into
his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.


"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/10/07 9:22 PM

How to impress a woman:
Wine her, dine her, call her, hug her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, laugh with her, cry with her, cuddle her, shop with her, give her jewellery, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, write poetry for her, go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How to impress a man:
Show up naked, bring beer.

Lee
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/10/07 8:53 AM

A friend approached a garage owner for a job. "I'm the best mechanic you will ever employ. I can tell the make and year of any vehicle and tell you what's wrong with it, just by listening to it." So the chap blindfolded him, and ran the engines of the cars awaiting repair.

"1998 Mondeo 1.8, tappets need adjusting."

"2002 Daewoo 1.6, timing is 2 degrees too advanced and choke is part on."

"2001 Mercedes 2.2, perfectly OK, must be in for an oil change."

And so it went on and every diagnosis checked with the job sheets. So the boss led him by the toilet. He flushed it and emptied a bucket of nuts and bolts over a steel workbench.

"1967 VW camper, perfect running order."
Posted By: Blondie

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/10/07 10:43 AM

Baked beans..........
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some mo nths later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freed om, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/10/07 9:55 AM

10 Thoughts for Today

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration...
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/11/07 9:42 AM

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping.

Allegedly

This letter was recently sent by Tesco Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/11/07 12:24 PM

Top this for a speeding ticket...

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road . One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea .

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."

Lee
Posted By: Graham Roberts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/11/07 8:23 AM

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.



Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/11/07 7:38 AM

Sorry Graham, but that's an old one that I had already posted on Jokes.
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/11/07 9:49 AM

Yeah, but did you copyright it? wink
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/11/07 10:27 AM

Unfortunately Geoff, a joke can only be copyrighted if it is considered to be a piece of literary work, ie a story.
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/11/07 11:27 AM

... or if it's considered to be a song, or a poem, perhaps? Some of the jokes posted here are more like a saga! smile
Posted By: Graham Roberts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/11/07 12:44 PM

Be carefull what you ask the undertakers for!!

A man who has just died is delivered to a Glesga mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


Big Tam the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue. She gives Tam a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Tam, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Tam presents her with the blank cheque. 'nay charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, hen,' Tam says, 'it didnae cost nothin. You see, a deed man o about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit insteed, and she said it made nae difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So, I just switched their heids.......'

Posted By: bill_mcg

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/11/07 12:10 PM

What's the fastest way to get out of Wembley ??












In a McLaren grin grin grin
Posted By: Steve Fisher

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/11/07 4:10 PM

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,
"I'd like to buy a horth"he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/11/07 8:22 AM

What is the difference between the England football team and Lewis Hamilton?



Lewis has still got his McLaren.

Lee
Posted By: mac lambert

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/11/07 9:19 AM

Originally Posted By: Lee S
What is the difference between the England football team and Lewis Hamilton?



Lewis has still got his McLaren.

Lee


And a ticket to Switzerland next year!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/12/07 3:55 PM

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"

...............................................................

A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

.................................................................

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/12/07 3:58 PM

Mick and Paddy are standing on top of a cliff. Mick has a budgie on his shoulder and Paddy has a parrot on his. Mick jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and Mick continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap. Paddy then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but Paddy quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend. Mick looks up and says, "Bejaysus, that budgie jumping isn't any fun".
Paddy replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either"
.................................................................

An Englishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Englishman politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You English folk eat the whole bread?"
The Englishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ". The American had a smirk on his face. The Englishman listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Englishman replied "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to England."
The Englishman then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Englishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course."
Now it was the Englishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

.................................................................

A man goes to see a doctor, who is an eye specialist. He walks in to see him carrying a violin case under his arm. “What can I do for you?” asks the doctor.
“I’d like you to take a look at this”, the man says. He opens the case to reveal the biggest, smelliest turd the doctor has ever laid eyes on. “I passed that!” the guy tells the doctor.
“Right……well…….err…….shouldn’t you be going to see your normal doctor about that?” asks the doctor. “After all, I am an eye specialist and I don’t see how I can help you with that!” the doctor goes on.
“No you don’t understand,” says the man, “every time I pass one of those, it hurts so bad it makes my eyes water!!”

.................................................................

I went to the chemist’s yesterday, and asked him “Have you got any cotton wool balls?” to which he replied, “What do you think I am, a bloody Teddy Bear?”

(and no-one mentioned Mohammed once!!!)
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/12/07 4:04 PM

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should get some "Immac" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some "Immac" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady said "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said "Then stay off your bicycle for a week.

.................................................................

Two fleas were having a reunion at Miami. The first one arrived in good order, but the second one arrived cold and shivering. “What’s wrong?” said the first, “You look bloody dreadful.”
The second flea said, “It was my trip down here. I was in the moustache of a Harley Davidson biker, and he drove down all the way here from New Jersey”.
“You should have done what I did,” said the first flea. “I went to the airport, had a couple of drinks and waited for an airline stewardess. When I found one, I jumped up her skirt, hooked onto her tights and burrowed through her knickers till I found a furry spot. It was warm and comfortable. You should try it next time.”
“OK” said the second flea, “I’ll give it a go.”
At the next reunion, the first flea arrived safe and sound, but the second one arrived cold and shivering. “I thought you were going to travel via a stewardess?”
“I did,” said the second flea. “I followed your method exactly. I went to the airport, had a couple of drinks, waited for an airline stewardess, jumped up her skirt, hooked onto her tights and burrowed through her knickers till I found a furry spot. It was nice and comfortable and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was in a Harley Davidson biker’s moustache!”

.................................................................

A middle-aged couple were wandering around at the local agricultural show, when they came across the livestock exhibits. A section of it was devoted to cattle. The wife noticed a sign on a pen saying “This bull mated 12 times in the last year.” She nudged her husband, saying “Once a month. You could aspire to that.” The husband said nothing.
In the next pen was another bull, with a notice stating “This animal mated 52 times in the last 12 months.” The wife gently dug her elbow into her husband’s ribs, saying “Impressive - once a week! Why can’t you do that?” Her husband’s silence said everything.
In the last pen was a magnificent specimen, with a notice stating “This animal mated 365 times in the last year.” The wife couldn’t contain herself. “Why can’t you be like that?” she said, pointing to the notice.
“Probably”, said the husband, “because he didn’t do it with the same old cow!”



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/12/07 3:26 PM

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the dust of the trail from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real trouble, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
“Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys.
"No”, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head - "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's buttocks. This shocks the woman into a violent coughing spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

.................................................................

Two inmates escaped from a psychiatric institution, evaded the guards and arrived in the centre of town. Being confined in the male side of the institution had left them with ‘certain’ urges, which they were keen to exercise. They chanced upon a launderette, where a number of ladies of the area were doing their weekly washes. The two escapees made forceful, passionate love to the ladies, before someone noticed them and summoned the police. However, before the constabulary arrived, the subjects of this discourse fled the scene. A newspaper journalist, reportedly working for the News of the World or the Sunday Sport, got hold of the story and successfully put it on the front page of his paper, under the headline……

NUTS SCREWS WASHERS and BOLTS

.................................................................

A man walks into a Chemists shop, accompanied by his 12-year-old son. They happened to walk past a display of condoms, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” to which the father, matter-of-factly replies “Those are condoms, son. Men use them to practice safe sex”.
“Oh, I see”, said the son, a little apprehensively. “Yes, I’ve heard about them in Health classes at school”. He goes across to the display and picks up a pack. “Why do they come in threes?” he asked.
“They are for 6th form students”, replied his father, “ one for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night.”
“Cool”, responded his son, who then picks up a packet of 6. “Wow” he said, “Who buys these?”
“They’re for university students” replied his father. “Two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday night.”
“Amazing” said his son, “then who gets these?” he asked, picking up a 12-pack.
With a longing sigh, his father replied “They’re for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March………”
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/12/07 3:30 PM

Paddy and Murphy are standing at the top of a cliff.

Paddy says "Murphy if i shine the beam of my torch down the cliff will you slide down it?"

Murphy says "don't be stupid! you'll turn it off when i'm half way down".

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/12/07 3:32 PM

They’ve finished making love, and he’s propped up on an elbow having a cigarette. “Am I the first man you’ve ever made love to?” he asked.
“Yes”, she replied, “Your face DOES look familiar.”

.................................................................

Some years ago, I flew to the USA, and on the flight over, a very attractive stewardess asked me, “Would you like some of our TWA coffee?” to which I responded, “No, but I’d love some of your TWA Tea!”

.................................................................

An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial break, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I’ve no idea. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

.................................................................

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The cashier turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad – nice boobs."

.................................................................

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor came out of his surgery office, yelling "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

.................................................................

The Creation of Mankind

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually, Gabriel the Archangel found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God “Where have you been?” God gave out a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, saying “Look, Gabriel…….. look at what I’ve just made.”
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and asked, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet”, replied God,” and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place for Balance”.
“Balance?” queried Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “Look, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe will be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot-spot.”
“Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different land-masses.
“And over there, I will call this place America. Northern America will be rich and powerful and cold, whereas South America will be friendly, hot but poor. And the bit between them is Central America, which will be another hot-spot. Can you see the balance?”
“Yes”, said Gabriel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?"
"Ah", said God, "I’m going to call that Scotland. It will be the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful snow-capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people will make a drink called Uisge Beatha, or Whisky, which will mean "Water of Life". The people will be good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're will be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the b*st*rds I'm putting next to them!”

.................................................................

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try for the son that they wanted so badly.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and snarled, "Have you been fooling around on me?
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

.................................................................

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered he possessed the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"OH MY GOD!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

.................................................................

Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/12/07 11:34 AM

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number two samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?"

Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!"

"Dead is easy," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision ... now that takes skill!"
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/12/07 11:35 AM

After a mile-long chase, a man is pulled over for speeding on a highway in Alabama. The cop comes to the car and taps on the window.

"Sir, do you know that you were speeding?"

"Yes."

"May I have your license, please, sir?"

"No, my license is suspended."

"Sir, open up the glove compartment and hand me the registration for the car."

"I can't. The car is stolen and there is a gun in there."

"Do you have a license for the gun?"

"No, but I used it to kill the woman in the trunk."

The cop pulls out his gun, shouts, "Don't move," and radios for backup. Two minutes later, thirteen cop cars surround the man. The sergeant comes over and asks the man in the car the same questions.

"Sir, may I have your driver's license, please?"

The man pulls out his license.

"This is your car?"

"Yes."

"The car is not stolen?"

"Absolutely not."

"So, I suppose there is no gun in the glove compartment and no woman's body in the trunk?"

"Of course not."

"Sir, do you know that this officer just told me you were driving with a suspended license in a stolen car with an unregistered gun that you used to kill a woman whose body is in your trunk?"

"Oh, really? I bet he told you I was speeding, too."
__________________
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/12/07 11:37 AM

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my flippin' perch!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/12/07 1:38 PM

Nice run, Mr. Merrica! I'm off on holiday tonight until Monday the 7th January, when normal service will resume. Until then........

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered " Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, that I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

.................................................................

A man walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir", said the barman, “that'll be one penny."
"ONE PENNY?" explodes the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu, and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy steak, with onion rings, mushrooms, chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Of course, sir" replies the bartender, " But all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 pence," replies the barman.
"FOUR PENCE?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, " Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The barman replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

.................................................................

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his sleep. “My darling Becky”, he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” said Becky, “rest.”
“But I have something I must confess to you.”
“It's alright,” said Becky, “go back to sleep”.
“No, I must die in peace, Becky, I....I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your Mother!”
“I know”, said Becky, “That's why I poisoned you.”

.................................................................

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes……" says the elephant, "…….Turtle recall."

.................................................................
An Essex blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Uhhhh .. 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!”
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

.................................................................

After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt. Ararat, the survivors went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then, the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a notation on a tablet. The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the son replied,
"What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes."

.................................................................

A curate was assigned to a parish in Liverpool and was sent by his priest to visit the neighbouring convent in order to introduce himself to the Mother Superior. It was a cold evening and he wrapped up in a warm coat and woolly scarf. As he walked along the pavement a prostitute stepped out from a doorway. "A pound for a leg-over?" she offered.
"What do you mean?” said the rather naive curate.
"Oh, forget it," said the prostitute.
Walking on, he came across another prostitute who asked him the same question. "A pound for a leg-over?" she offered with a smile.
"I'm sorry I don't know what do you mean,” said the curate.
"Oh, forget it," said the prostitute.
Eventually the curate arrived at the convent. The Mother Superior made him very welcome and offered him a cup of tea. They chatted away and the curate felt very happy that he was getting on so well. Feeling relaxed and pleased at the rapport he had achieved with the nun, he asked if he could ask her advice.
"Of course," she said and smiled encouragingly.
“Please can you tell me what 'a legover' is" he said.
The nun answered briefly. "A pound."

.................................................................

This Aussie farmer has just had a good harvest and decides to reward himself with a bit of a holiday. Deciding on New Zealand as his destination, he packs his gear and flies off. Arriving at the airport, he receives his hire car and thinks a little drive in the country would be a good start. So off he goes, climbing through the lush kiwi hills, when all of a sudden he sees this farmer, totally naked (apart from his wellies) in ‘congress’ with a sheep.
"Oi Mate!" calls out the Aussie farmer. "Back at home, we shear them!"
"P*ss Off" replies the Kiwi. "I'm not shearin' this with anyone!!"

.................................................................

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the car park to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the road and crashed through a driver's windscreen. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

.................................................................

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favourite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!? That's absurd!"
"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies…"

.................................................................

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his barrister in the foyer of the Four Courts in Dublin. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined. It's in the judge's hands now," said the defendant to his brief, "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court, or order a retrial."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the Four Courts, he said to his barrister, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently the barrister responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them", replied the man.
"WHAT?" shouted the barrister.
"I certainly did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

.................................................................

And finally, if a centipede twice a night, how much does a precipice?

Thank you, good night and have a good holiday, if the NHS will let you!!!

Naitch
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/12/07 2:59 PM

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,

"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Lee
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/12/07 4:39 PM

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene....
**********************

A married Catholic man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

*******************
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"So I switched the heads."

*********************


Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/12/07 8:08 AM

Merrica
I think you need to read back through the jokes already posted. I'm getting a feeling of having seen these before.
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/12/07 5:13 PM

damn. I had a quick look

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/12/07 5:16 PM

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/12/07 5:18 PM

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123."

Suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"



************

any better?

Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/12/07 9:59 AM

Merrica
Have a look at Jokes as well as Jokes 2!!!!
Posted By: merrica

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/12/07 11:33 AM

oh fudge! :oP
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/01/08 10:12 AM

OK, I'm back! I would have resumed normal service yesterday, but I was busy designing a "Divide-by-569" counter using a 22V10 (DON'T ASK - for Crissake!)

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. Who said anything about them being mine!"

.................................................................

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to out-do each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new BMW," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen pigeons can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Doncaster for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a BMW. He bought me a Skoda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Pigeon number thirteen has to flap its wings a bit!"

.................................................................

Frannie went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor said, "Frannie, you're being silly. You mean ovaries. Aviaries are where you find birds."
Frannie shook her head. “No, I mean aviaries.”
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection. After a quick look, he said, "Well, Frannie, you're right! There's been a cockatoo in there."

.................................................................

The driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and as good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

.................................................................

The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

.................................................................

A Doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. “What can I do for you today?” the Doctor asked?
The aged Gentleman replied, “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath....Doctor I’m scared!!!”
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said “Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?”
His response was, “Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!”

.................................................................

In the beginning God created Eve. And he originally created her with 3 breasts. After a month in the garden, God came to visit Eve. “How's things, Eve?" he asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells; the sights; everything is wonderful, but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!" So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, throwing it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" he asked.
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so lonely."
God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're absolutely right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I put that useless tit?"

.................................................................

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea.
"Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/01/08 10:16 AM

...And because I was unacceptably busy yesterday, you can have a double dose (of jokes that is!)

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Bible scholar," he replies.
"A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Do not worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The remainder of the conversation carried on like this, with the young idealist insisting that “God will provide” to all the fathers questions.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
“Well,” said the father, "the bad news is that he has no job and no plans. The good news is he thinks I'm God."

.................................................................

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said the first one.
"Oh yeah, how are you going to do that?" asked the second.
"Just watch," he said, and climbed up onto a rafter.
After a short while, the foreman spotted him. He shouted “What the hell are you doing up there?”
The first man replied. "I'm a lightbulb."
After a short, thoughtful, pause, the foreman said, "I think you need some time off", whereupon the first man walked out of the factory.
After a moment, the second man followed him. "Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.

.................................................................

A couple have a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman “Tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring”.
"Yeah, right," she said, with more than a hint of disbelief. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet, grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home, drunk from being out with his mates. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks “Maybe the ribbon will work on him”. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up, badly hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon wrapped around his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place."

.................................................................

You’ve gotta Love Drunk People!

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It’s three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not,” he replied, with more than a hint of exasperation in his voice. “It’s three in the morning and it’s pouring with rain!"
"Well, you’ve got a short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of your self. Go out and help him!"
For the sake of a quiet life, the man does as he’s told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

.................................................................

A blonde went into an Internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost £30, she exclaimed: "I haven't got any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything", the blonde promised.
"Well, then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door", the man said.
She did.
"Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go on.... take it out...."
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well, go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said... "Hello... Mum...can you hear me?"

.................................................................

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/01/08 10:27 AM

Naitch - please check your pms.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 09/01/08 1:33 PM

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
.................................................................

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

.................................................................

Little Mary was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "...and they screw you every time!"

.................................................................

This bloke was found dead on O'Connell Street in Dublin last Saturday. When he was brought to the city morgue, his personal belongings were checked. After opening his wallet, the gardai found pictures of Mother Teresa, Princess Diana and Joan of Arc.
Turns out he was a heroine addict...

.................................................................


A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so badly. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55-MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the trousers. At 65 it was her underwear and at 70 it was everything. Now, seeing her without clothes for the first time, and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but, alas, he was stuck.
"Go up to the road and get help," he said.
"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a crying woman without clothes on the side of the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

.................................................................

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, soon that pig started looking better and better to the guy, so he leaned toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/01/08 10:23 AM

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Romford, Essex. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the hell's goin' on up here? We're havin' a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

.................................................................

Two Sailors boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Sailors. The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Sailor in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Sailors picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Sailor said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Sailor picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Marine returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Marine asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in cokes?"

.................................................................

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

.................................................................

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

...............

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

...............

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

...............

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

...............

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...............

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

................

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... (Oh God, this is so bad, it's brilliant)........................A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

................

And finally (you'll be glad to hear)... there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/01/08 12:18 PM

Naitch

Absolutely on the button with that last one (ouch!!).
Have you not got much work on in Edinburgh then?
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/01/08 12:31 PM

By the way Naitch, I've heard of a Mellotron M400 but not an M4000? What's the difference?
I would have thought that they are as rare as hen's teeth nowadays.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/01/08 1:25 PM

Kwakker - please see your Private Message box, re Mellotron.

Yes, I've got plenty of work, but it's as dull as dishwater. HOWEVER....I copy and paste the jokes from a 171 (YES - 171) page Word Document, which I prepared some 4.5 years ago. So, it doesn't take long to give you your daily dose!

Naitch, a.k.a. Entch, cos my initials are NH. Geddit?
Posted By: micknand

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/01/08 9:49 AM

A charity panto in aid of paranoid schizophrenics and homosexuals, descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/01/08 10:02 AM

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door." The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."
The little Eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"
The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little Eskimo, "I told you that you sh*gged a penguin!"

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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um... no... um... what happened?”
The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

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One day little Johnny went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead.
The boy said, "I p*ssed in its ear."
The teacher screamed, "You WHAT?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move...So it must be dead."

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A man approached a local resident in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to Dublin?" the visitor asked.
The local man scratched his head. "Hmmm.... Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," replied the man.
With due consideration, the local man replied, "Well, that's the quickest way all right!"

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian "I'm sick to bloody death being a prawn, I wish I was a shark - then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. But while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark" came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again".
Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked".
Justin cried back "No I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...I'm a prawn again Christian."

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A Young Blonde, on vacation in Louisiana, wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high New Orleans prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one shopkeeper," so I can get a pair of shoes for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp.
Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist-deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in. She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up.
"Oh sh*t!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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A nun who was sitting outside a bar stops a patron before he enters and cautions him on the evil of drink!
"Have you ever tried it?" asks the man.
"Well, err, no," says the nun.
"Then you shouldn't pass comment on it. Let me buy you a drink."
With some discomfort the nun agrees to a gin and tonic, but in a teacup so as not to arouse suspicion, and brought outside to her. So the patron goes in, orders a beer and a gin and tonic in a cup.
“Oh [censored]”, exclaims the barman, "Not that bloody nun again!"
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/01/08 2:18 PM

Hi Naitch
Unfortunately or fortunately, the rabbit joke is based on a true story (or urban myth)that happened to a friend of mine and his neighbours prized cat!!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/01/08 3:28 PM

Kwacker

I wouldn't know. I hear a joke and react accordingly (i.e. laugh, groan or throw up). Oddly enough, when I first saw the joke, I thought it was American in origin - dunno why. Never thought it would actually be based on reality. There again, truth is stranger than fiction, so they say.

The Naitch
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/01/08 11:47 AM

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd discovered was ”Uh....female juices."
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit, I've got one hell of a moustache!"

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There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg that gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with the following note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.” Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of syrup. Pour the tin of syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your bum and go as a toffee apple!”

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A wedding occurred just outside Cork in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Gardai get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm by banging his gavel on the bench and shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cork wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge nods his understanding. "Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I found myself dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my feckin' fingers!"

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For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard ploughed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you,” she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

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Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

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An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his spacecraft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterday."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/01/08 10:02 AM

A man phoned a chemist to talk about his prescription. "My doctor ordered this prescription for me," he said to the pharmacist, "and you filled it and gave me a bottle with 100 capsules in it about two weeks ago. I'm supposed to take one capsule every six hours and I've been doing that. Then a little packet came out of the bottle instead of my capsule. The packet said, 'do not eat' on it. I don't know what to do, because that was four days ago, and I'm really hungry!

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It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence ...listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....... I haven't made the f*cking porridge yet!!"

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering her room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later the wife came home from shopping, placed her carrier bags on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from of all places, the family room. She walked in and saw her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. His wife asked him, "What in the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the football with my son-in-law."

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A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted, “Listen, you bastards! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realise, is that when I say ‘Good Night,’ what I really mean is ‘Shut the f*ck up!!!’"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"

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At the end of a tiny deserted pub sits a huge Liverpudlian, 6 ft 5 and built like a brick shithouse. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man minces in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Scouser. Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the pub before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "Hey, calm down, calm down. I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replied. "Something about a job..."

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Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judi, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jon replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"

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A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollix, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives off in his new car.
Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. “It’s voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want”. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. “Click”. The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and “click”, a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and “click”, a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." “Click”. The Sex Pistols belt out “God Save the Queen”. He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "YOU STUPID SOD!!!" he screams. “’Click’ - Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."
Posted By: kit

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/01/08 2:01 PM

Love in the Later Years...

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner . He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back, he ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping"? She whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote".
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/01/08 9:40 AM

One for those of us having a bad day


9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/01/08 11:27 AM

Gives us this day, our daily dose of rubbish jokes from Naitch......!

Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Fred is dead!"
"Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof- Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my f*cking house."

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Greg was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly, unattractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." This was not a hard choice for Greg and he ran up the ladder. At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Figuring it only gets better, Greg chose to climb the ladder further up. At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Since things were getting better the higher he got, Greg chose to climb the ladder even further. At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Greg was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but figuring it could only get better, he chose to climb the ladder at least one more time. At the fifth cloud, Greg was startled when a greasy, 500 lb. naked man with a pimply member grabbed him. Greg screamed, "Who the hell are you?"
The man replied, "I'm Cess."

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Three blondes were walking in the woods one day, chatting away about blonde things, when suddenly they came upon a river, a veritable raging torrent. "How are we to get across this" they wailed, staring hopelessly at the seething waters.
"I wish I was ten times cleverer, then I'm sure I could think of a way to get across." complained the first Blonde. Luckily, and unbeknownst to her, she was standing under the magic wish tree, who heard her cry and granted her wish! Instantly, she turned into a Redhead, and became ten times cleverer. "I know," she said. "'I'll swing over the river on that vine." With that, she leaped on to the vine and swung agilely across.
"Wow," thought the second Blonde, having witnessed her friend’s magical intellectual elevation. "I wish I was a hundred time cleverer, then perhaps I could get across too." Instantly she turned into a Brunette and became a hundred timed cleverer. "I know." she said, suddenly enlightened. "I'll make a raft from that spare wood over there, and bind it with vine, and I can get across too." So she built the raft, carefully lashed it together, and paddled across, not even getting her brown tresses damp.
"Wow and twice wow." thought the third Blonde, having witnessed these miracles. "I wish I was a thousand times cleverer, then I could get across too,” she said. Instantly she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

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Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. The first cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
The second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
The third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
The fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhoea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhoea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a bucket of home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a load of jalapeno and some chilli peppers I’d never seen before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhoea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on..."

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A couple met on Brighton Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you Linda,” he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live... eat... sleep... and breathe golf."
"Well..." Linda said, "since you're being honest, so will I. I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said.... "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/01/08 11:51 AM

Naitch i don't know if i'm being brainwashed by your jokes or if they are getting funnier but i'm wasting hours sending them on.

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/01/08 2:17 PM

Lee

You may have seen it on an earlier post, but nearly all of my jokes come from the archives of an internal BAE Systems Intranet which I accidentally found, when I was working for them. In my spare moments, I downloaded the lot and put it onto a SINGLE Word document. So far, it's 171 pages long. I'll say that again in case you think my fingers mis-typed that - ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY ONE! That's not counting the jokes I've nicked from THIS site. So far, I've got to page 25 of the Word Doc, so there's plenty still to come.
So, you'll be wasting more hours passing them on - sorry about that. Still, they should get you a few free pints at your local boozer.

NH
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/01/08 8:56 AM

Anyway, to resume...

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the kids picked me up in the terminal. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting, area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got good news!"
I waved back and said excitedly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted through the crowd.

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A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
The light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. If not, I’ll do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for Christ's sake tell him to take his elbow off the intercom button"

.................................................................

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they want. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland".
George says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!! "
The third kid says, "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out that I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

.................................................................

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's off licence. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a litre of the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was smashed. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the pavement. A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! The shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me like this, she's gonna sh*t herself!"

.................................................................

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

.................................................................

This chap tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.
Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.
"Oh good," the man responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"
"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."
"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/01/08 2:03 PM

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate.

.................................................................

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humour."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little b*st*rd, sitting on your knee!"

.................................................................

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room under you complained that the chandelier fell on them."

.................................................................

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

.................................................................

Miss Annie was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise! Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Annie had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and biscuits, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Annie," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven't had a cold for over a year.

.................................................................

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"
So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".
"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?"
"It won't help your sunburn much,” says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

.................................................................

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

.................................................................

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there." After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self-control, jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his arse off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/01/08 1:02 PM

Hello everybod peeps. Naitch is not at work today, as he has a hacking cough, a sore throat and his nose/lungs are churning out more toxic waste than Sellafield. So, he's doing this from home, where he has more written jokes there than at work, such as...


A Doctor claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their sigmoidoscopies (In other words, he inserted an optical device up their back passages in order to examine the prostate, or anything else of interest):

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Lord Lucan yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in some parts of Somerset, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how Sooty feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"

And the best one of them all..........

13. "Could you write a note for my boss saying that my head is, in fact, not up there?"

.................................................................

For men tired of receiving male-bashing jokes

Q: How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it


Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s just one of those genetic things that enable a woman to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…..”


Q: How do you repair a lady’s watch?
A: You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.


Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You’ve always told her twice.


Q: If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. It’ll shut up once you let it in.


Q: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A: A woman who won’t do as she’s told.


S: I married Miss Right. I didn’t know her Christian name was Always.


S: I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.


S: Scientists have discovered a foodstuff that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 95%. Its called Wedding Cake.


S: Marriage is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, Wedding ring and Suffering.


S: OK, I admit it. The fight I had last night was partly my fault. She asked what was on the telly, and I said “Dust”.


S: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to.


J: A beggar approaches a well-dressed woman in Chelsea and said “I haven’t eaten anything for four days”. She looked at him and replied “God, I wish I had your willpower.”


Son: “Is it true Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
Dad: “That happens in every country, son”


J: A man put an advert in the Edinburgh Evening News: “Wife wanted”. The next day he got 3,500 letters all saying the same thing: “You can have mine”


S: The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it, but it’ll happen only once.


S: Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on turning out the lights. After 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous, and would try and break this habit. So, one night while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming session, she turned on the light. She looked down…………and saw her husband was holding a battery powered pleasure device….a vibrator….. soft…… wonderful…… and larger than the real thing. She goes ballistic. “YOU IMPOTENT [censored]!!” she screams at him. “How could you deceive me after all these years? You’d better have an explanation that’s phenomenal!”
Her husband looks straight into her eyes and says calmly “I’ll explain the toy……if you explain the kids….”

.................................................................

What follows are excerpts from Scottish Higher Exam Maths papers (almost equivalent to English/Welsh A-Levels)

GLASGOW REGION

Name................................
Nickname...........................
Gangname..........................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for distribution. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers’ Brief?

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name.....................................
Rugby Club..............................
Daddy’s Company......................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin’s Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?


HIGHLANDS REGION

Name.............................
Glen...............................

1. After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge – Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!

.................................................................
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/01/08 11:11 AM

Hi y'all. I'm still in my pit, but I am getting better. But you don't want to know that, do you? You just want more jokes, don't you? Fair enough - here they come...

This one's about hangovers. At 4.30 on a Wednesday night, the entire workshop decamp to the nearest boozer to forget about the crap day they've had. This sums up the degrees of suffering that most of us have to put up with on the following morning...

The hangover scale.......oh so very true……oh how we remember!


1 star hangover *

There’s no pain. There’s no real feeling of illness. Your slept in you own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka Red Bulls. However, you could quite happily drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger with a side order of fries.

2 star hangover * *

There’s still no pain, but something is very definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug, in order to try and remain focused, is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by, you gag because her/his perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you consumed with your semi-alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might throw up. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like road maps and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following:
a) Home time,
b) A Doughnut,
c) Somewhere to be alone,
d) A time machine, so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd like to cry, but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems a pretty good idea right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently and very quietly.

6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

.................................................................

Wives and Husbands and more

Wife – “What are you doing?”
Husband – “Nothing.”
Wife – “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!”
Husband – “Yeah, I’m looking for the expiry date.”

Wife – “Do you want dinner?”
Husband – “Yes, please. What are the choices?”
Wife – “Yes and no.”

Wife – “You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?”
Husband – “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
Wife – “You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
Husband – “Yes, I see your picture and ask myself, ‘what other problem can be greater than this one?’”

Girl – “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”
Boy – “That’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.”
Girl – “Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

Son – “Mum, when I was on the bus this morning with Dad, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.”
Mum – “Well, you did the right thing.”
Son – “But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!”

A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father had not left me a fortune?”
“Honey,” replied the woman sweetly, “I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!”

A girl said to her boyfriend, “One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.”
The boy replied, “Thanks for the early warning.”

Wife – “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
Husband – “Well,” he replied after he looked at her from head to toe, “I like your sense of humour.”

.................................................................

Bono, the singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the music industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. Whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in his thrall, he quietly spoke into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, yelled back, “Then f**kin’ stop doin’ it then!”

.................................................................

I have a stock of jokes that I can't put onto this site, as they would be considered offensive. The Webmaster would ban me, AND there is a strong possibility that the site would be closed down, Therefore, I will be taking the liberty of sending some of them via conventional e-mail. Even if I sent them as a PM on this site, I think I would STILL get strung up!
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/01/08 1:42 PM

A woman wondered by a house where she saw a sweet old man rocking in his chair lookin very content.....she ased him what his secret was.....

he said

i smoke 40 cigs a day

drink a bottle of whisky a day

and i eat mcdonalds "super size" twice a day

and i never exercise!!!!!!

how old r u she asked

oh i'm 26


Lee

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/01/08 4:09 PM

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others
doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway

Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm
gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's behind?"

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their behind when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/01/08 8:33 AM

DAVID BLAINE TEST
This is creepy!
.
.

.

.
.

Think of a letter between
A and W
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Don't stop
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of either
a man's or a woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
Almost
there
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
on
your
hand
.
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Of course they
F****ing
don't !
.
.
.
..
.
Now smack
yourself in the head,
get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.
.
.
.
.
Lee



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/01/08 12:12 PM

ENGINEERING BULLSHIT

What they say (and what they mean!)

A number of different approaches are being tried (We’re still pissing in the wind)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem (We just took on 3 kids straight out of college)

Close project co-ordination (We know who to blame)

Major Technological break-through (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech)

Customer satisfaction is delivered, assured (We’re so far behind schedule, the customer is happy to see it delivered, whatever state it’s in)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive (It blew up when we switched it on)

Test results were beyond our wildest dreams (We’re so surprised that it worked)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned (The only person who understood the thing has quit)

It is in the process (It’s so wrapped up in red tape, it can’t move)

We will look into it (Get stuffed! We’ve got enough to do)

Please note and initial (Let’s spread the blame for the latest screw-up)

Please give us the benefit of your thinking (We’ll listen to what you’ve got to say, so long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done)

Please give us your interpretation (I can’t wait to listen to this load of [censored])

See me or Let’s discuss (Come into my office, I’m lonely!)

All new (Parts not interchangeable with previous model)

Rugged (Too bleedin’ heavy to lift)

Lightweight (Slightly lighter than Rugged)

Years of development (One finally worked)

Energy saving (Worked perfectly well with the power switched off)

Low maintenance (Impossible to fix when broken)

..................................................................................................................................

GIRLS, You’re pissed, and you know it’s time to go home, because...

1) You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are,

2) You’ve just had to get someone to help you get your knickers up in the ladies room,

3) You suddenly decide you want to start a fight with “some bitch”,

4) On your last trip to the ladies, you realise you now look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the Goddess you were 4 hours ago,

5) You drop your 3.00 a.m. burger on the floor of MacDonald’s, pick it up and carry on eating it,

6) You start crying for no accountable reason,

7) There are less than 3 hours before you’re due to start work,

8) You’ve found a deeper side to the office idiot,

9) The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing become strangely overwhelming,

10) You’ve forgotten where you live,

11) You’ve started to sound like Walter Gabriel from all the cigarettes you’ve smoked, because, as you’ve mentioned thousands of times, you only smoke when you drink,

12) You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that’s because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka,

13) You think you’re in bed, but your pillow feels like a pizza,

14) You start every conversation with a booming, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…..”

15) You fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when you sit on it,

16) Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble Wrestling take-down moves,

17) You’re tired, so you just sit on the floor (and why not?),

18) You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

..................................................................................................................................

A little religious humour


I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning, a better ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Protons have mass?????? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

I am an agnostic pagan - I doubt the existence of many gods.

I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things - right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!

“He says Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at”. (Terry Pratchett - 'Small Gods')

“And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords” - Alan Wilson Watts

“Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.” - G.K. Chesterton

“I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” - Winston Churchill

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a pub. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the Inland Revenue.

Adam to Eve - "I'll wear the plants in this family!"

And on the 8th day God said, “OK Murphy, you have a go!”

Birth, life, death - Repeat as necessary.

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my last life, too.

Freedom OF religion also includes freedom FROM religion. (Terry Pratchett)

Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!

In a crisis, call for Isis!

In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.

Jesus Saves...throws to Moses...shoots.....HE SCORES!

That was Zen, but this is Tao.

Sects, sects, sects - that's all you monks ever think about?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbours and also to love our enemies. This is probably because they are the same people!

The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.

On the sixth day, God created the platypus and said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe. - Malaclypse the Younger (Ed's note - I don't know who s/he is, either)

"If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, ‘cause that's what he's getting tonight."

Jesus Saves - by using double coupons and shopping wisely.

“Confession without repentance is just bragging.” - Rev. Eugene Bolton

"Do I believe in the Bible? Hell, man, I've seen one!"

Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

Go thou and sin more creatively - next time!

Sorry I missed church, I've been busy practising witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

"I don't question YOUR existence." - God

..................................................................................................................................

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Dyer. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36, Menlow Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my Rainbow CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all, when you eat a can of baked beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/01/08 11:38 AM

A friend is having trouble with his system. Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned off. But to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2001.

But imagine my friend's disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain. Any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hard drive and cannot be deleted. They can re-surface months or even years later.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0 also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself.

The system footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments. Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every week. It also refused some of the new Games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2001 add-on, but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2001, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

..................................................................................................................................

Things to Say when You're Stressed at Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfeck you!!!
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!
3. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
4. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
5. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
6. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a fecking people person!
8. This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing, still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
11. YOU!!... off my planet!!!
12. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
15. And your cry-baby, whiny-arsed opinion would be.....?
16. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
17. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
18. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't gone to sleep yet.
22. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
24. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
25. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. If I wanted to listen to an [censored], I’d have farted.
28. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
29. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
30. Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done.
31. Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
32. You look like [censored]. Is that the style now?
33. Earth is full. Go home.
34. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
35. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
36. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
37. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
38. If arseholes could fly, this place would be an airport!

..................................................................................................................................

IRISH MEDICAL TERMS

ARTERY – The Study of Paintings

BENIGN – What you are after eight.

BACTERIA – Back door to cafeteria.

BARIUM – What Doctors do when patients die.

CAESARIAN SECTION – A district of Rome.

CAT SCAN – Looking for a Kitty

CAUTERIZE – Made eye contact with her.

COLIC – A sheepdog of some sort.

COMA – punctuation mark.

DILATE - To live a long time.

ENEMA - Not a friend (in more ways than one!!!!!)

FESTER - Quicker than somebody else.

FIBULA - A small lie.

GENITAL - A non-Jewish person.

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS – A Roman Emperor

HANGNAIL - Where you put your coat.

IMPOTENT - Distinguished, respected, well known.

LABOUR PAIN - Getting hurt at work.

MEDICAL STAFF - A Doctor’s stick.

MORBID - A higher offer than I bid.

NITRATES - Costs more than day rates.

NODE - I knew it.

OUTPATIENT - A person who has fainted.

PAP SMEAR - A fatherhood test.

PELVIS - Elvis’s second cousin.

POST - OPERATVE – A letter carrier.

RECOVERY ROOM - A place to do upholstery.

RECTUM - Damn near destroyed them!

SECRETION - Hiding something.

SEIZURE - Another Roman Emperor.

TABLET - A small table.

TERMINAL ILLNESS - Being sick at Stansted Airport.

TUMOUR – More than one.

URINE – Opposite of “You’re out!”

VARICOSE – Not far away.

..............................................................................................................................

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/01/08 9:27 AM

Hi everyone. In response to a few PMs sent, the cold is better and I'll be back on Monday. Until then...

The only David Beckham jokes I know

1) David & Posh go to New York

David & Posh have had a long weekend in New York, and on their return, they take a taxi from Heathrow to Beckingham Palace in Essex. While driving them back, the taxi-driver, who has recognised his passengers, engages them in polite conversation (which is a struggle, as he is an Spurs fan).
“So, Mr Beckham, did you enjoy your week-end in America?”
“Oh, yeah, it was great.”
“What did you do when you were there?” asked the taxi driver.
“Well, we saw the sights, the Statue of Liberty, did some shopping on 5th Avenue, and had a meal in a wonderful restaurant.”
“Oh, yeah?” said the taxi driver, ”What was it called?”
“Oh, er…….” and he paused in deep thought. “What’s the name of that London Railway Station?”
“Paddington”, replied the driver.
“No, no, what’s another one?”
“Waterloo”, said the driver.
“No, no, what’s another one?”
“Victoria”, responded the driver.
“THAT’S IT! Victoria, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to?”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2) David and his jig-saw

It was a typical late Saturday afternoon at Old Trafford. Manchester United had just inflicted a decisive 1 – 0 defeat on Derby County, and the players trooped off the field into the dressing room. Before he reached the showers, Alex Ferguson collared David Beckham and ushered him into his office.
“We may have won today, but you weren’t your usual self, were you?” asserted Sir Alex.
“What do you mean boss?” queried Mr. Posh.
“Well, your passing was at its usual high standard, you ran rings around their left-back, and your free-kicks were their usual pin-point accurate, but your mind appeared to be elsewhere. Are there any problems here? Salary not high enough?”
“No, no,” said David. “Everything here is fine”.
“Any problems at home? Brooklyn OK, Posh’s pregnancy progressing alright?”
“No, everything at home’s fine, but I do have one little thing that is bothering me.”
“What’s that?” asked Sir Alex.
“Well, I’m doing a jigsaw at home. It’s brilliant. It’s a big beautiful tiger, but I can’t get going with it, and it’s driving me mad.”
“OK” said Alex, “bring it here on Monday, and I’ll help you.”
So, on Monday, David comes in with the jigsaw still in its box, and he presents it to Sir Alex.
“David………it’s a packet of Frosties.”

..................................................................................................................................

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because......

1) Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint that was promptly chewed and licked.

2) We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

3) When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

4) As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the front passenger seat was a treat.

5) We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle – it tasted the same.

6) We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

7) We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this.

8) We would spend hours building go-carts out of scrap and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

9) After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

10) We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

11) We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes - no video games at all; no 99 channels on the TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them.

12) We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

13) We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

14) We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it.

15) We walked to friend's homes.

16) We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

17) We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

18) Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, allegedly for our own good.

(If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us).

..................................................................................................................................

These are the results of the Darwin Awards for 2003. For the newbies amongst us, the Darwin Awards are given to those people who improve the mentality of the Human Race by killing themselves in a manner dictated by their stupidity. They also haven’t participated in the production of any offspring, so their stupidity has not been passed down in their DNA. The 2003 winner is:

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...

And now, the honourable mentions:

1. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

2. A man who shovelled snow for over an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

3. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

4. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K (a bank?), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cashdrawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from he clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

6. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F#CK UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a F#ck-up!"

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for an ID parade. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near some spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and put his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Although not from last year, the best Darwin’s I know are:-

A. A 9-year boy tried to steal a can of coke from a coke machine outside a K-Mart supermarket by shoving his hand into and up the dispensing hole. The entire machine fell on him and killed him. What was amazing was that the boy’s parents took K-Mart AND the Coca-Cola company to court for damages – AND THE PARENTS WON!

B. I don’t remember where this happened, but an inventor tried a new method of transport across the English Channel by strapping a small rocket to his back. He set it off and fired himself into the adjoining cliff.

C. A resident of Los Angeles wanted to know what was in his next-door neighbour’s garden, but couldn’t, due to the high dividing wall. So he purchased 4 weather balloons and tied them to a deck chair. Instead of rising to an altitude of 15 feet, which was his intention, he sailed up to about 15,000 feet, getting in the way of aircraft coming into Los Angeles International Airport. He died of hypothermia or a lack of oxygen in the rarefied atmosphere.

Have a good weekend. See you Monday
NH
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/01/08 9:58 AM

OK, this is being done from Little France Penitentary......sorry - Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he came up with an answer so quickly. "What makes you say that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the vicar said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'" (If that were true, God help you when you fill in your tax return form!!!)

..................................................................................................................................

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. One of his legs was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course."
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

..................................................................................................................................

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Billy, want to play Mummies and Daddies?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said the bewildered boy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

..................................................................................................................................

My kids love going onto the Internet, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

..................................................................................................................................

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes, I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."

..................................................................................................................................

Stanley stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my house slippers please?"
Stanley obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says..."Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"
Posted By: Scott Barlow

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/01/08 10:29 AM

This was from my little girl:-
--------------------------------
there was and englishman,irishman and scotsman,
and they find a magic slide,whatever you shout as your going down the slide you get,
the englishman goes first and shouts larger as he slides down and lands in larger,
the scotsman goes next and shouts whisky as he slides down and he lands in whisky.
the irishman slides down and shouts weee!
he lands in front of a large plasma screen with a wireless controller in his hand!.
------------------------------------
I thought i knew where that was going too!!
Posted By: Scott Barlow

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/01/08 10:30 AM

or did he land in front of a pile of Waste Electronic Equipment!!
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/01/08 8:39 AM

A woman and her long suffering husband go on holiday to Jerusalem to celebrate their 30th anniversary, whilst there the wife dies.

The Funeral Director tells the husband “it will cost £10,000 to return the body to GB for burial or £150 to bury her in Jerusalem”.

The husband thinks about this for a while and then says “I will have her buried in GB”.

The Funeral Director says “why waste all that money?”

To which the husband replies “once there was a man who was killed in Jerusalem he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead, I can’t take that chance!”

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/01/08 9:43 AM

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the hell did you put on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: 'pepper only'."

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A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position - well I'm marketing director of a medium-sized computer software company in the East Midlands.”

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When Jacques Cousteau was alive and on one of his deep-sea explorations, he discovered a rare tuna fish that lived at great depths. Upon further examination, it was discovered that the female tuna's reproductive organs smelled exactly like a human finger!

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Two cannibals agreed to share a lone missionary.
Cannibal number one said, "You start at his feet and I'll start at his head."
After a little while cannibal number one asks, "How are you doing?"
Cannibal number two replies, "I'm having a ball."
Cannibal number one yells, "You're eating too fast!"

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A young boy asked his mother, "Mum, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the arse off his secretary."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/08 9:53 AM

B.B. King's wife decides that she is going to make his birthday especially memorable this year. The day before the party, she goes out and gets B.B's initials tattooed on her cheeks of her buttocks, one letter on each cheek. The next night, after his big birthday dinner with friends in his favourite restaurant, they go home. As soon as B.B. sits down in his favourite chair, his wife walks up to him and announces, "I have a big surprise for you." With that, she turns around, pulls up her dress, drops her knickers and bends over.
B.B. stares for a moment at the posterior just inches from his face, and asks, "Who's Bob?"

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"My husband bought me a mood ring the other day."
"Oh, yeah? What does that do then?"
"Well, when I'm in a good mood, it turns orange.... When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!"

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Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

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Q: What's the difference between a wife and working for the NHS?

A: Working for the NHS still sucks after 10 years.

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Little Johnny ran into the house, crying his eyes out. His Mum asked him what the problem was.
"Dad and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish, a really big one. Then, while reeling it in, the line broke and the fish got away."
"Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."
"I did!"

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your c#ck is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 307."

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow too?"

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A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told daddy that she was pregnant. That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

Posted By: DarloSteve

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/08 2:45 PM

Not sure if this truly belongs here...........but......

I noticed the advert for an EBME department looking for staff...........

advert said someting about - "posession of a criminal record, and that each case would be judged on an individual basis" -

Well, I have one by Max Bygraves called "You need hands" - and i just wondered if I could still apply ?

(sorry guys !)
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/01/08 4:11 PM

Well, if you saw some of the rubbish in my collection (e.g. Max Boyce - Live at Treorchy), I'd get a death sentence, WITHOUT parole!
Then there's the old chestnut...
"I've got a police record"
"Oh yeah, what is it?"
"De Doo Dah Dah"

Naitch
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 31/01/08 8:58 AM

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, stomped on him until he looks like a corn tortilla, cr#pped on him, and ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sh#t, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."

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One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately run up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask.
“It's very nice," she replies. "except they won't let you fart."

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Way down in that old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Ain't that grand!!
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got a daughter, too! She a pretty lil thing, too....”
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night when we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that there 3-in-1 oil?
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-40!

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/02/08 8:48 AM

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward; "No, no, this is a 1987 vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's very impressive. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like p#ss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

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A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Errr, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

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A ten-year-old public school boy was finding fifth grade maths to be the challenge of his life. His mom and dad did everything and anything to help their son... private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, giving up, they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to await another destiny. At the end of the first day of school the boy walked into home with a stern expression on his face, and walked right past the parents and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly clearing his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
The parents were not sure if they should comment on the boys extra efforts for fear of him losing this new found fervour, so they ignored it. This pattern continued for a few months.
One day the first quarter report card came out. The boy dropped the unopened envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATHEMATICS. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged his shoulders. "No" he said.
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?", asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of Catholic school."
"How so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby of the school, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew those b#stards meant business!"

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A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love," he replied, "it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear, while he was trying to sleep, was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".

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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the town hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.
"Sh#t!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

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Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.
After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes. On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it". After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said, "Look, it's OK, she's not here!"

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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this manoeuvre, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/02/08 9:11 AM

Alex Ferguson is looking for a striker to add to his squad and hears about this young kid in Dagenham who has rattled in 50 goals in 25 games. He goes to see him, and true to form, the kid bangs in a couple of goals, so Fergie decides to sign him for Man U.
The kid arrives at Old Trafford and has a meeting with Fergie. Sir Alex asks him how much he was earning at Dagenham. The kid replies "I got £50 a week, with a bonus of a tenner for each goal".
Fergie replies "This is the Premiership now, son, you are playing for Man U, biggest club in the world. We'll pay you ten grand a week. Think big... remember, this is Man U".
The kid is impressed. Fergie asked him what kind of car he had at Dagenham.
The kid replies "We had a B reg Transit to do us all". Fergie said to him "This is Man U, son, I'll sort you out with a 5 series BMW. " Obviously, the kid is ecstatic.
Fergie says "What about digs?" The kid replied, "I stayed with my mum at Dagenham, I couldn't afford me own place"
Fergie looks at him and says, "Don't worry about it. I'll arrange a place for you next door to Giggsy. Remember this is Man U. Biggest club in the world. Think big". Fergie says "Right, now we’ve got that sorted out, I'm going to play you on Saturday. Remember, this is the Premiership, it's going to be harder and faster than any game you have ever had. But remember, just go out there, enjoy it, play your game. At half time, I'll pull you off."
The kid looks stunned. He eventually manages "At Dagenham, the boss only gave us an orange"

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A prostitute was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred quid, I guess!"

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can’t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma’am," the frustrated guide said, "but I’ve sat on it."

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A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the following question: "Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:

1) In Africa, no one knows what "food" means.
2) In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" means.
3) In Eastern Europe, no one knows what "opinion" means.
4) In South America, no one knows what "please" means.
5) In the US, no one knows what "rest of the world" means.

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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his female secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you £18,750, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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Patrick wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?
Patrick : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patrick : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Patrick : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Patrick : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patrick : I've already got one rabbit at home!

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, but he minded his own damned business!"



Posted By: Blondie

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/02/08 12:08 PM

One for your colection Naitch.....
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for His wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model It for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is on Thursday

Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/02/08 2:32 PM

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'



It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.



'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/08 7:34 AM

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/08 8:37 AM

Subject: New words for 2008

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking [censored].

* BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

* 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
'404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/08 8:59 AM

A BRILLIANT ONE KWACKER! One or two I've heard before, but funny nonetheless. Let's see if I can do better...

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one day. They come to a busy junction, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the road, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the pavement on the other side of the road, whereupon the blind man pulls a biscuit out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a biscuit? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick its f#cking #rse." (Editor's note: Yeah, it's an old one, but still a good 'un!)

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A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"
"Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the cheque bounced."

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Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 nails down on the counter and asks the desk clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"

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One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, man. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my rucksack."

..................................................................................................................................

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject for the day was involuntary muscle spasm. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked one of the women: "Do you know what your #rsehole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, looking after the kids"

..................................................................................................................................

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive.

..................................................................................................................................

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.
"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now, what's mummy like?"
"Big men and vodka," sobs the little fella.

..................................................................................................................................

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange habits. "All day long she lies in bed, eats yeast and sniffs furniture polish. What will happen to her?"
“Eventually", said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

..................................................................................................................................

Three kids are playing in the street and get hit by a lorry. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."
The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" And so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Old Bailey.
The second kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy sod". 20 years later, he's playing in goal for Scotland...

Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/08 9:29 AM

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that
nice The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11 Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/08 2:28 PM

There are the two classic Cricketing howlers, both done by the late Brian Johnstone.

1) In the late seventies, New Zealander Glenn Turner was playing in a one-day match for his county (Worcestershire?) Whilst batting, his testicles received a direct hit from the 5th ball of the over. Despite wearing a protective box, Turner was 'caught' rather painfully and rolled around on the ground until the tears in his eyes dried up. When he was well enough to resume batting, he took his stance, whereupon Brian Johnstone utter the immortal phrase "One ball left!"

2) In 1980, the West Indies toured England. In one of the test matches, Peter Willey (now an umpire) was picked to play at least one match. One of the West Indians was fearsome fast bowler Michael Holding. With England batting, Peter Willey was at the crease, facing Michael Holding. When Holding started his run-up, Brian Johnstone came out with the line "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey!"

Posted By: Neoteny

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/02/08 3:12 PM

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/02/08 7:49 AM

Troops

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who have been offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, the following list of 13 new and innovative 'TRY SAYING'
phrases have been provided so that a proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in a non-offensive manner.

1.

Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training

Instead Of:

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.

Try Saying:

Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of:

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:

F*** off a*se-hole

5.

Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of:

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of:

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:

Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.

Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of:

What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of:

No f***ing chance mate.

10.

Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:

He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of:

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.

Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of:

Oi, f*** face.

13.

Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway

Instead Of:

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway
Posted By: RoJo

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/02/08 8:45 AM

These have been also been said by cricket commentators.

Brian Johnson
"Horton has a funny stance, it looks liking he's sh*tting on a sooting stick."
(referring to Neil Harvey) "standing in the slips with his legs apart waiting for a tickle."

Richie Benaud
"He's usually a good puller, but that time he didn't get it up"
"Australia need to score more runs and take more wickets if they want to win."
He also said that Mark Waugh was a "compulsive hooker"

Richard Hadlee and Richie Benaud were commentating together. Michael Atherton was hit in the box and Hadlee said 'That ball bounced'. Benaud replied with 'Which One?'

John Arlott
"Greg Chappell at first slip wearing the long sleeved jumper, wide brim hat and long sleeved t-shirt, Ian Chappell at second slip wearing a short sleeved jumper and wide brim hat and Redpath at 3rd slip wearing no jumper at all................sort of like a progressive strip tease!"

Tony Greig
"For every winner, there has to be a looser in these games."
"In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one."

The camera is showing a guy with an Australian tattoo above his nipple.
"I've gotta get me one of those" - Tony Greig
"You do, 2 in fact" - Richie Benaud

Ian Smith
"Ohh can you believe it they've run themselves out again- this is double suicide" then Richie Benaud interupts "Ahh Ian, thats the replay"

Ian Chappell
"Fast bowlers are quick, even at the end of the day. Just watch this - admittedly it's in slow motion."

Robert
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/02/08 9:04 AM

This wealthy bloke decides to go on an African safari. He takes his faithful pet dog Woofy along for company. One day Woofy starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he's lost. So, wandering about he notices this big leopard heading rapidly in his direction - with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks: "Jaysus, I'm in deep sh#t now." (Did we mention that he was an Irish setter?) Anyway, then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on them with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Woofy exclaims, in a very loud voice: "Well, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Phew," says the leopard. "That was mighty close. That dog nearly had me for dinner."
Meanwhile a cheeky monkey has seen the whole episode from a nearby tree. He figures he can put this knowledge to good effect and trade it for protection from the leopard.
The dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made an ass of, and says: "Here mister monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving little Irish mutt." Now, Woofy sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks: "F#ck, I'm a gonner - what am I gonna do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them just yet. And just when they get within earshot, Woofy says (once again in a loud voice): "Where's that f#ckin' monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

..................................................................................................................................

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She’s a doctor."
"That’s wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a brothel."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy’s father said, "I’m actually a solicitor. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

..................................................................................................................................

A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
“That's what they call it now!"

..................................................................................................................................

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask?"
The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

..................................................................................................................................

Police were called to an Indian restaurant in Blackpool at the weekend after a worker was found in a huge vat of curry and cream. Police said that contrary to current rumour the man has not died, although he has fallen into a deep korma.

..................................................................................................................................

A woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the ‘festivities’. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like scr#wing a kangaroo, then I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/02/08 11:03 AM

Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist said, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith
"Well,” said the receptionist, “one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible!” said Mr. Smith. “Can we do the tests again?
"Normally, yes,“ said the Receptionist, “but you’re in the NHS, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" moaned Mr. Smith
The receptionist said "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

..................................................................................................................................

"The thrill’s gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried it - it doesn’t work."

..................................................................................................................................

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the milkman say to Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!’ "

..................................................................................................................................

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farm came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Cocoa, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative but very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

..................................................................................................................................

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around for a while, he decided that the Nissan 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a nominal fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

..................................................................................................................................

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets p#ssed off with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there; send him up here. – NOW!"
“Get stuffed,” said Satan, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

..................................................................................................................................

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day, he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her, and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees, and when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home. The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it. After about 30 seconds, he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there.
She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks at her in confusion and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell. She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder - I can't wipe my bum."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/02/08 8:58 AM

OK, Ladies, Gentlemen, others (does that leave anyone out?), this will be my last post for a while as I'm on holiday all next week. I'll be back on the 18th, when your downloading can resume. No-one's asked for a copy of the 171 page work document that all these jokes are coming from. Frightened it'll clog up the e-mail system???
Anyway...

Bob and Jack got into Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained, “and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned bright red and he said, "Yeah, sorry mate, I'm afraid I did. How did you find out?"
"She just died and left me six million quid!"

..................................................................................................................................

Q: Why do managers sing when they're on the toilet?

A: So they know which end to wipe when they're finished.

..................................................................................................................................

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."

..................................................................................................................................

The psychology tutor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man at the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a football manager."

..................................................................................................................................

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, the regular kind," replied Tommy.

..................................................................................................................................

The drunk announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting,” said the bartender. “Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," slurred the drunk. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f#cking advice, they'd let me know

..................................................................................................................................

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The barman shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the barman, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand trouser pocket, you'll find the money for the beer."
The barman got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the gents?"
"Out the door," said the barman, "turn left, walk a couple of hundred yards, and there's one in a petrol station on the corner."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/02/08 10:46 AM

Hi Guys, Gals & others - the Naitch is back!
I can see that no-one has added any more jokes since my last deposit, so it must be damned slow out there. Either that, or you're all sitting there with baited breath!!! Anyway, here goes...

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man with the intention of screwing him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12-inch erection, and he was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand - the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

..................................................................................................................................

Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man in town this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" he asked, very concerned.
"Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

..................................................................................................................................

A little kid sees his dad naked for the first time as he gets out of the shower. "WOW! What's that, daddy?" asks the little boy, pointing to his dad's crotch.
"Son ...er...that's a...a hedgehog." answers the embarrassed parent.
"Sh#t! It sure has a big c#ck, doesn’t it?" said the kid.

..................................................................................................................................

Pat & Mick were over in England for the week-end, and one day they were walking down Carnaby Street (yup, this IS an old joke!) when Mick pokes Pat in the ribs and says,
"Hey Pat, would you look at the signs in that clothes shop over there".
Pat looks over and reads the signs, which say, “Suits - 10 Pounds, Trousers - 5 Pounds, Shirts - 4 pounds.”
"Holy Smoke Mick" says Pat, “we could make our fortune by going in there and buying a load of clothes from him and taking them back home and flogging them for a tidy profit.”
"Yeah" says Mick, "but if he realises that we are Irish, he might catch on to what we're going to do, and not sell to us.
"No problem" says Pat, "I'll just go in there and put on me best English accent. He'll be none the wiser"
So in they go and Pat puts on his best English accent and says, "Awwright Guvnor, I'll have 20 Whistle & Flutes, 20 of yer Dicky Dirts, and 20 pairs of Strides, and I'll be paying with 380 pictures of the Queen, which I have here in my Skyrocket".
The owner looks at Pat & Mick and says, "You're Irish, aren't you".
"How the feck did you know that?” asks Pat.
"Easy", says the owner, "This is a Drycleaners".

..................................................................................................................................

A randy drake and his girlfriend book into a posh hotel for some afternoon nookie. As they are about to indulge in the dirty deed the drake realises he has forgotten his condoms and, not knowing his latest ducky companion, wants to be safe. He calls room service on the chance that they might help him out and, to his great relief, is told that someone will be there shortly.
Just a few minutes later, there is a knock at the door. A waiter with a tray full of condoms asks, "You rang for these sir?"
"Yes that's fantastic!" replies the drake.
"Shall I put them on your bill sir?" asks the waiter.
"Sod off!" says the drake, "What do you think I am - some kind of pervert?"

..................................................................................................................................

This Englishman is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh during the First World War. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi' murdering prattle!"
"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
"Och no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

..................................................................................................................................

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

..................................................................................................................................

A man went to his solicitor and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The solicitor says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset. "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!

..................................................................................................................................

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/02/08 8:47 AM

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night, depending when you're reading this. To continue...

When little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

..................................................................................................................................

Solly needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm - Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."
Solly says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Manchester, and he won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"

..................................................................................................................................

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it, then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

..................................................................................................................................

The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the Town Square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent.
Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer."
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."

..................................................................................................................................

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mailroom. One week later, you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said Rob.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"You’re quite right," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

..................................................................................................................................

The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Brown has all of his men accounted for except Robson and Jerome. After a few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's Jerome, leaning over a rubbish bin. His trousers are down to his ankles, and Robson is banging away from behind.
Chief Brown says, "What the hell is going on?"
Robson says, "Jerome passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!"
Robson says, "I did, Chief, but then one thing led to another..."

..................................................................................................................................

Jill: “I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.”
Mary: “Tell me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!”
Jill: “Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?”
Mary: “I thought I asked legitimate questions, like, ‘Why did you hit the ball into that lake?’"

..................................................................................................................................

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the lady teacher on the first day of the new school year.
"He's a magician, Miss,” said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favourite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters.

..................................................................................................................................

The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The groom approached the desk and asked for the best room available for they were on their honeymoon.
The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No,” the groom replied, “I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it!"


Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/02/08 3:17 PM

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy..

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


Lee
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/02/08 7:54 AM

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an
"Australian treasure!"

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his
reply to the lady who

interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel
about gun laws

you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It
is a portion of an ABC

interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys
when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/02/08 10:13 AM


A lady was filling her car at a petrol station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm. Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.
A police car was at the junction where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her.”
“After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

..................................................................................................................................

When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly service agent told him that the printer probably only needed a thorough cleaning. Because the store charged £50 for such cleanings, he said the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by the man's candour, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
(Ed’s note – This must ring true with some of you out there! ! ! ! ! !)

..................................................................................................................................

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

..................................................................................................................................

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

..................................................................................................................................

Three pensioners were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second senior chipped in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem - knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, pause for few seconds and then said, "That must be the front door, I'll get it."

..................................................................................................................................

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called an engineer. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. "Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll post you the cheque. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the engineer arrived at Mrs. Davidson's house the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the engineer go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the engineer couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"

..................................................................................................................................

A Geordie on visit to London decides to have a drink in pub he is passing. Once at the bar he tells the barman that he would like a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.
“Sorry” the barman replies, “We only sell Whitbread Bitter”.
“Oh, I'll have a pint o' that then” and he pulled up a stool to the bar, As the barman hands him his pint, the Geordie decides that he needs to go to the toilet,
“I need a pee. Watch me pint will ya and divn’t let any wun tooch it, or I'll break their neck. I hate people touchin' me pint”
“Sure”, said the barman.
The Geordie has only been gone for about a minute when a large, black woman who had been sat in the corner, comes over to the pint, picks it up, farts in it, places it back down and goes back to her seat without a care in the world. The barman just stood there in total disbelief.
Just then, in walks the Geordie, still doing up his fly, just as he is about to pick up the pint he stops and frowns, “Sumwuns ‘ad me pint!”
The barman stutters nervously. “I cannot lie. That black woman over there just farted in it”.
The Geordie slammed the drink down and marched over to the woman, “’Scuse me luv, you fart in ma Whitbread?”
“No” she replied “I'm Tessa Sanderson”

..................................................................................................................................

An Essex girl is involved in a very nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on the scene.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions"
Girl: " OK"
Medic: "What's your name"
Girl: "Sharon"
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Girl: "Yes"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Girl: "Romford, mate"

..................................................................................................................................

A lawyer is walking down the street when he accidentally steps into some dog mess. A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, when he notices it dripping from his shoe.
He screams, "Aaahhhh! I'm melting!"


Posted By: jefft

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/02/08 6:52 PM

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish
Archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, The Kerryman, a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught Archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/02/08 11:32 AM

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it! Be strong. I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half-naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

..................................................................................................................................

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbour said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There’s no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, and never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

..................................................................................................................................

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of coffee."
"I'll have a coffee too," Bill said, "and please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

..................................................................................................................................

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "Then you must be....?"
"Yes,” replied Brother Michael, somewhat sheepishly, “I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/02/08 8:54 AM

A young guy was lying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseuse approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. "You wanna orgasm?" she asked.
"Oh, yes please!" came the excited reply.
"OK," she said. "I come back in ten minutes."

..................................................................................................................................

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his car when he saw his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slammed on the brakes and shouted, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing'?"
Sheila turned around with a tear in her eye and said, "Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce got a lump in his throat when he heard this and replied, "Sheila, you’re not just a sport, but you're a damned good sport too!"

..................................................................................................................................

Jimmy was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said 'N I L'. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity, The Blessed Emptiness and The Big Zero in the Sky.
Jimmy turned to a white-robed observer beside him and whispered, "Is Nothing sacred?

..................................................................................................................................

A couple had just started their childbirth class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand round his waist, to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

..................................................................................................................................

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously throwing shots of whisky down his throat. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back the shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore he isn’t!"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/02/08 9:48 AM

Here you go Ladies & Gentlemen - start downloading this lot!

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the flesh of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidise, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different colour."
There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

..................................................................................................................................

A bloke in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, flattened a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something
The taxi driver says, "It's not your fault sir. This is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

..................................................................................................................................

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realise you were pregnant."

..................................................................................................................................

A father, in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a right turn at a no-right-turn sign. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

..................................................................................................................................

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.
"You're not rescued yet either."

..................................................................................................................................

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," replied the waitress," I thought you wanted more coffee."



Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/02/08 2:31 PM

Your starting to dredge the depths now Naitch!!!!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/02/08 4:23 PM

Kwacker

All I'm doing is transplanting sections of the 171-page Word Document that has all these jokes in the order that they're written. I didn't write the jokes, I just collect 'em and pass them on. IF I wanted to paste in the jokes that I thought would be funny, then...
1) I'd get thrown off the site. One moderator has already (and justifiably) told me to exercise a bit of restraint. Some of the jokes on the doc are a bit on the rough side,
2) The local Vice Squad would be onto me like a ton of bricks, and...
3) A lot of religious organisations would kick the organic waste out of me. I usually counter this by quoting Terry Pratchett - "Freedom of Religion alsio includes Freedom FROM Religion". I'm sure this bit of philosophy (if that's what it is) can be applied to almost any subject.
If you want something a little closer to the knuckle, I can send something via a PM if you want. A couple of guys have asked for a copy of the original document, plus some rough/offensive (delete as applicable) stuff.

Naitch

Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/02/08 5:02 PM

Naitch, I think you've single handedly (is that a word? confused ) doubled the size of my database wink

...and your dots break my pages frown

wink
H.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/02/08 9:48 PM

Originally Posted By: Huw
Naitch, I think you've single handedly (is that a word? confused ) doubled the size of my database wink

...and your dots break my pages frown

wink
H.


Huw

1) To be annoyingly precise, it's 'singlehandedly', it IS a word, but it's all one (word that is)...

2) I could quite easily TRIPLE the size of your database, if you ask nicely! (Can I assume that "...(your) database..." refers to your personal stock of jokes?)

3) Surely you know how to remove dots!!! Actually, on the original Word document, they're a mixture of minus-signs and slashes, i.e. ...

-------------------------------------------/ / / / /------------------------------------

Glad you like the jokes, and (given the somewhat risque nature of some of them) your approval! (That's the kiss of death!)

Naitch
Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/02/08 11:25 PM

Originally Posted By: Naitch

1) To be annoyingly precise, it's 'singlehandedly', it IS a word, but it's all one (word that is)...


Yeah, I know smile Sorry, I wasn't too bothered to find the reference wink



Originally Posted By: Naitch

2) I could quite easily TRIPLE the size of your database, if you ask nicely! (Can I assume that "...(your) database..." refers to your personal stock of jokes?)


erm, well not really.
I was talking about the size of this forum database.
(One of nine db's on the ebme site)
The contents of this forum database alone is 90Mb+ and I was just joking smile
Please don't...
Please wink



Originally Posted By: Naitch

3) Surely you know how to remove dots!!! Actually, on the original Word document, they're a mixture of minus-signs and slashes,


Yeah - but if you think I'm editing all your posts, when I could be in the pub.....

Originally Posted By: Naitch
Glad you like the jokes, and (given the somewhat risque nature of some of them) your approval! (That's the kiss of death!)


Hang on now, I didn't say that...

Just to be clear, I can't follow all the posts all of the time (although, I do try my best.)

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Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/02/08 8:18 AM

Naitch
I wasn't referring to the risque or not factor of your jokes, but more to the fact that they're eliciting more groans rather than hystericla laughter!!!!!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/02/08 9:05 AM

Ooops, and for more than one reason. I think I'll keep schtum for a bit - I'm starting to suffer from Foot IN Mouth Disease (a recurrent complaint)! I'll stick to what (I think) I'm good at...

A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynaecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see." said the doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were 5 pence pieces in the bowl."
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were 10p pieces and this morning there were 20ps! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared stiff!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change."

..................................................................................................................................

There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting in the garden in a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they’re from these wicker chairs."

..................................................................................................................................

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: "Dactor, it's me arse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says. "There’s a 20 pound note stuck up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears. "This is amazing," exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur fecks sake, take it out, man," shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, then a fiver, then another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank yer koindly, dat's much better. How much is der den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "1990 pounds exactly," he replied.
"Ah, dat'd be roit,” said Paddy, “I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

..................................................................................................................................

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm," states the fairy godmother.
Cinderella agrees, then asks, "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very ‘satisfied’.
"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother,” said Cinderella, with a faraway look in her eyes, “he took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power,” said the fairy godmother, “What’s his name!"
"I’m not exactly sure - it sounded like ‘Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater', or something like that...."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/02/08 9:44 AM

This site has now deemed that I'm a SCHOLAR, after being a technologist. I never realised this was a demotion!!! :-)

Kawasaki has inferred that the quality of my jokes are on the wane, as they illicit groans rather than hysterical laughter. At my age, I'm happy with a groan - it's the total silence that I can't stand!!! I get that from the missus!

Anyway, to more important matters...


A jelly baby went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm worried I might have AIDS."
"What makes you think that?" Says the doc.
"Well," says the jelly baby, "I've been sh#gging all sorts."

..................................................................................................................................

Q - Why did God invent thrush?

A - So that even single women know what it's like to live with an irritating tw#t.

..................................................................................................................................

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove into town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.”
“This morning, my alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked myself out of the house, with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a ticket for speeding. Later, when I was about three blocks from the shop, I had a flat tyre. When I finally got to the shop there was a crowd of people waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10 pence pieces against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick them up AND the bloody phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a display of perfume bottles in it; half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

..................................................................................................................................

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
"Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London in a blizzard, and you were totally naked?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said... "What was the date again?"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/02/08 9:49 AM

A man named Jed has a job that subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor. During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night.
Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his mates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.
The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"
Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.
"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.
"Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter?
"Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a bar bitch you ate."

..................................................................................................................................

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!?!? When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was p#ssed at the time."

..................................................................................................................................

A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? ROME!!??!?!??" Why would anyone want to go THERE? It's crowded and dirty and FULL of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. How're you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a TERRIBLE airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Don't go any further. I KNOW that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a DUMP, the WORST hotel in Rome! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. Whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ANT!!! Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman came in again for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "Oh, it was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were fantastic, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5-million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really,” said the hairdresser, ”What'd he say?"
"He said: 'Where'd you get that crap hairdo?'"

..................................................................................................................................

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara by camel. On the 3rd day, a storm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm dies down, the camel has died.
"Well, Sister, this looks grim,” says the priest. "We can't survive 2 days out here, and we're a week from the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me? I've never seen a woman’s breasts, Sister. Could I see yours?"
The nun, a bit shocked, replies "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm". So she gets them out.
Then the priest says "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
Again, she consents. After a few minutes, the nun asks, "Father, could I ask something of you? I've never seen a mans "thingy." Could I see yours?"
"Ok" says the priest.
When she examined the priest’s organ she asks, "Can I touch it?" The priest agrees. After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's got a huge stiffy, and the priest whispers "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place it can give life?"
"Is that really true?" asks the nun
"Yes" the priest replies.
"Well stick it up that camels #rse, then we can get out of here!"


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/02/08 10:29 AM

OK everybod peeps, this will be the last until next Thursday. The hospital, in its infinite stupidity, is sending me and a mate to Endoscopy UK in Lydney, Gloucestershire, to get trained up on Fujinon Endoscopy gear, so I'll put in a double dose of jokes.


A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

..................................................................................................................................

Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them.”
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

..................................................................................................................................

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady queried, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings," she replied.

..................................................................................................................................

Larry goes to see his travel agent.
"Hey Larry,” says the travel agent, “going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need to ask for something different."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes."
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"

..................................................................................................................................

A farmer lived just off a quiet rural road, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at quite an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the police station and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the desk sergeant.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the council workers go out and erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the police and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sergeant sends out the council workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sergeant, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sergeant told him, "Yeah, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sergeant got no more calls from the farmer. In fact, three weeks after the farmers last call, the he decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers?” asked the sergeant. “Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I’m very busy." And he put the phone down.
The sergeant thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So he drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

..................................................................................................................................

A couple were sitting at a table in a Chinese restaurant when a duck comes up to the woman with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds."
The man called the waiter and said, "Waiter, I thought I asked for AROMATIC duck..."

..................................................................................................................................

Two budgerigars were sitting in their cage watching their owner reading the newspaper. One says to the other, "You know, I'm worried about him."
"Why's that?" says the other budgie.
"Well, he just sits there for hours staring at a carpet."

..................................................................................................................................

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For £5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up a fiver.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for dried arrangement!"

..................................................................................................................................

I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards, you'll get a satanic message.
But, even more frightening than that, if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP!

..................................................................................................................................

A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female assistant told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"
The guy said, "OK, I'll take a box."
A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that the same female assistant had been transferred into the maternity section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."
The assistant asked, "What bust?"
To which he replied, "One of the sodding blue ones!!"

..................................................................................................................................

The schoolteacher asked to class to give examples of words in the context of a sentence. When the word 'contagious' was given, little Timmy's hand shot up.
"When I had chicken pox, I had to be kept off school because it was contagious."
"Very good, Timmy," The teacher said, "can anybody else give another example?"
Johnny raised his hand. "My dad uses it in a different context," he said.
"Go on then, Johnny."
"Well, this man turned up to paint our house and all he had was a two inch brush. My dad said it would take the contagious."

..................................................................................................................................

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession.... to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.... but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shoo-ed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...


Posted By: John Sandham

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/03/08 10:40 AM

A man boarded an aircraft at Adelaide and took his seat, as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
smile
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. wink

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" laugh

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! wink

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" boggle

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."



"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Welsh,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. blush

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Dai." shades

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/03/08 11:04 AM

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

''No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Did you pull the plug out or did you go for the bucket??

Lee
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/03/08 11:12 AM

No, I hedged my bets ... and went for the tea-cup! smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/03/08 11:59 AM

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The cashier turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad – nice boobs."

Lee

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/03/08 8:59 AM

I put that last joke up a few weeks ago, Lee!

Anyway, I'm back! (Oh no, I hear you cry)

Paddy and Paddy went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which feckin' pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off my feckin’ pig, and den we can tell ‘em apart."
"Ah, dat’d be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said, "Your feckin’ pig has chewed the ear off my feckin’ pig. Now we got two feckin’ pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which feckin’ pig?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy, "I'll cut de other ear off my feckin’ pig. Den we'll ‘ave two feckin’ pigs and only one of them will ‘ave an ear".
"Ah, dat'd be grand," says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy", he said, "Your feckin’ pig has chewed the other ear offa my feckin’ pig!!! Now, we got two feckin’ pigs with no feckin’ ears!!! How we gonna tell who owns which feckin’ pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my feckin’ pig. Den we'll ‘ave two feckin’ pigs with no feckin’ ears and only one feckin’ tail."
"Ah dat'd be grand,” says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and.....yup.....you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FECKIN’ PIG HAS CHEWED THE FECKIN’ TAIL OFFA MY FECKIN’ PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FECKIN’ PIGS WITH NO FECKIN’ EARS AND NO FECKIN’ TAILS!! HOW DE FECK ARE WE GONNA FECKIN’ TELL 'EM APART???"
"Ah, feck it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

..................................................................................................................................

Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.
"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes'" said Nigel
"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!"
So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall. Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"
A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I’ll say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"

..................................................................................................................................

This bloke gets a job at Edinburgh Zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but, sadly, it dies in the struggle and floats to the top.
"Oh sh#t!" thinks our man, “First day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits! What the hell am I going to do?” He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and, while no one is looking, he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! - a turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage, when - splat! - another turd hits him, and splat! - another makes a direct hit.
For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh#t and double sh#t!" thinks our man, “look what I've done now, what am I going to do?” So he thinks to himself, “the lions worked last time, maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they?” He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs them over the fence, where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again, our hapless worker goes to the zoo-keeper and asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey from the American killer bees.
He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic, he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh#t, not again!!!" he thinks and, as you might have guessed, the lions eat anything, so, again, he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says, “how’s it going?”
"Alright," say the other lions.
"What’s it like here then?" asks the new lion.
"Not bad" say the other lions.
"Food OK?" enquires the new lion.
"Yeah, brilliant. Yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"


Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/03/08 9:15 AM

Sorry Naitch, I thought it looked familiar.

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/03/08 10:02 AM

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with biscuits, a few bottles of MacEwans and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they arrive, everyone's knackered.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the bottles of beer and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Roy. 'Roy, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Roy doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without a pint.
Joe and Steve beg Roy to turn back home and retrieve it, but Roy flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Roy to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Roy sets off, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Roy. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Roy, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Roy in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realises that Raymond probably skipped out to the McDonalds down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Roy pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I KNEW it! I'm not feckin' going...'


============================================================

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving it up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
============================================================

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

============================================================

A father hears his son in the bathroom masturbating. He barges in and yells, "Son, how many times have I told you not to do that? You'll go blind! Now stop it!"
The son replies, "I'm over here, Dad."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/03/08 9:41 AM

This bloke with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is bloody good. You've graduated from the best colleges and courses. Your recommendations are great, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. But you must realise that a sales rep has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait, hold on a sec," he said. "I just have to take two aspirin, and I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and, within seconds, stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees flirting and womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemists, winking, and asked for some aspirin?"

============================================================

One day on a bus, there were two small boys and a middle aged lady. She sat reading her book but couldn't help overhearing the two small boys having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.
"It would be spelt 'W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B'," the first boy argued.
"No it’s not! It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'," retorted the other.
The lady leaned over unable to keep to herself and said, "Excuse me boys, but I think you'll find the word is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
The first little boy looked at the other, and then back at the lady, and replied, "You know lady, I very much doubt you've never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one fart underwater!"

============================================================

An old couple married for 50+ years hadn't had sex in a very long time and the wife was getting very frustrated. One night when the old man was sitting on the couch watching the game she went into the bedroom and took of all her clothes except for a red towel that she put around her neck like a cape. She then leapt into the living room exclaiming, “IT'S SUPERPUSSY!!!!!!!!!!"
The old man replied, "OK, I'll take the soup."

============================================================

A guy, with a very black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh, and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately the guy sitting next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge breasts was there, so instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I said 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh', and she hauled off and hit me in the eye."
First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister accident too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the box of Cornflakes', but I accidentally said 'You've ruined my whole life you stupid, ugly bitch.'"

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/03/08 8:47 AM

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus,
who had been a seafaring gent all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, "Do yern tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself
standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the
water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,
"No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/03/08 9:50 AM

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"Well, it's like this,” said the man, “yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came home with a pouch of tobacco and some cigarette papers. So, I figure… if I have to roll my own, so should she!"

============================================================

The doctor says, "Mr. Shapiro, I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Mr. Shapiro says, "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."

The doctor says, "The lab called with your test results. You have 24 hours to live."

Mr. Shapiro says, "Twenty-four hours? That's terrible! What could be worse?"

The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

============================================================

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the specialist.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

============================================================

Schwartz goes to see his Rabbi. He says, "Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi says, "I'll tell you what...let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Schwartz and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for four hours."

Schwartz says, “Do you have any advice?"

The Rabbi says, "Yeah. Take the poison."

============================================================

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b#st#rd!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f#cking b#st#rd!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now, is there a problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b#st#rd. And every time I asked to borrow a f#cking hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/03/08 9:32 AM

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two #rseholes."

"What?? He had two #rseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two #rseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy wid dem two #rseholes...."


============================================================

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."


============================================================

An attractive young lady went into an "Ann Summers" shop and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

Yes madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

Braille," she replied.


============================================================


A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.

As she washed down the woman's body, the sponge came close to her pubic hair.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well.

Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

They called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.

When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband might like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oh dear," he said, "I think I’ve choked her."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/03/08 9:34 AM

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from London to Edinburgh.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five quid, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a £5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references... no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the British Library... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.

========================================================

There's this bloke who has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry.

So he decides to give each of them £5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first woman goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells yer man: "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second woman goes out and buys some new golf clubs, a DVD player, a wide-screen TV and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says: "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third woman takes the £5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5,000 to your man and re-invests the rest. She says: "I'm investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The bloke thought long and hard about how each of the women had spent the money and then decided to marry the one with the biggest knockers.

========================================================

A police officer pulled a female driver over and asked to see her driver's licence.

After looking it over, he said to her: "Madam, it stipulates here on your licence that you should be wearing glasses."

"I have contacts," the woman replied."

"Look missus, I don't care who you know.." ...snapped the officer.

"You're getting a ticket."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/03/08 9:29 AM

Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free. On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.

The first nun says to the mother superior, who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."

So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "F#ck off you b#st#rds!"

========================================================

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric toy train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, ‘cause this is the last stop! And all of you sods who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going....NOW!"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage above your seat, in the luggage racks provided. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are p#ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the f#cking cow in the kitchen."


========================================================


A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I don't know how he did it!"

Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the same matchbox car shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he did it!"

========================================================

A guy walks into the bar and orders a drink and the barman notices the extreme smallness of his head. He asks, "Excuse me for being nosy but why is your head so small?


The guy says, "It’s a long story. When I was in the Navy, I was looking overboard while en route to Europe and noticed a mermaid in distress.

I threw her a life buoy and pulled her up on deck. In her gratitude she granted me one wish. Well I have been out to sea for some time and I first asked her for some sex. She replied that she would love to but the bottom half of her was fish and that was highly impossible. So then I asked her for a little head.”

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/03/08 8:32 AM

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

========================================================

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


========================================================

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh......Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

========================================================

This young bloke comes home from university all excited to tell his mum he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says: "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful girls and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.

He then says: "OK Mum, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mum, you're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/03/08 9:48 AM

OK fellow EBMErs and EBMEsses (have I left anyone out?), this will be my last set of jokes for a week, as I'm on holiday as from lunch-time today. Normal service will resume next Tuesday (25th March). Das Vwydanya!

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for myself, a rum and coke for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat.”
The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A rum and coke for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately buying rounds of drinks, but the cat keeps his hands (paws?) in his pockets. By the end of the evening the barman asks the man, "Look, what’s the story? I’ve got to know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?"
"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came out and said, ‘Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'”
"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."




========================================================


An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed £10,000 for the new church, so I only threw in £20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount."


========================================================

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an aeroplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow drops big patties and the horse expels clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#t?"



========================================================



A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and slightly alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."


========================================================



A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight -Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


========================================================



A teacher was working with a group of children trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavours than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "it's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"


Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/03/08 12:30 AM

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
Click to reveal..
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/03/08 8:48 AM

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which part of the body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, she’s in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say.
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework, and
Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

..................................................................................................................................

A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the barman to see him. The man next to him calls for the barman saying, "I'll have another Waterloo." The barman gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says, "I'll have a Waterloo too."
The barman gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the barman and says, "Well, it is water...right Lou?”

..................................................................................................................................

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost £1000 down, and payments of £450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

..................................................................................................................................

A veterinary surgeon had been busy all day tending to one emergency after the next. Luckily for him, when he finally got home from tending to all these sick animals, his wife was waiting with the martini pitcher and a cosy candle-lit dinner.
After dinner, the couple had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 a.m. the phone rang.
"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is," replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady. "There's a whole bunch of cats up on the roof making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do to get them to stop?"
The vet patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"It ought to," said the vet, "it stopped me!"


Posted By: GWALKER

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/03/08 5:57 PM

A cruise in the Pacific went all wrong ,
the ship sank and there were only 3 survivors,
ian darren and debbie. They managed to swim to an
island where the lived for a couple of years doing
what is natural for men and women to do.
After a couple of years debbie began to feel guilty
about having casual sex with two men , so she killed
herself. It was very tragic, but the two men helped each other
through the difficult time and slowly nature began to take
its course .A couple of years went by and darren and ian
began to feel really guilty about what they where doing, so .......



they buried her
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/03/08 1:30 PM

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years younger than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said thinking out loud. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

..................................................................................................................................

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old soccer player’s aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded again.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a [censored]. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb [censored]' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local secondary school.
"Yes." he replied.
"When did you leave?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1954."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

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Q: What's black and comes hurtling out of the ground shouting "Knickers, knickers, knickers"?
A: Crude oil.

Q: What's yellow and comes out of cans saying "Lingerie, lingerie, lingerie"?
A: Refined oil.

.................................................................................................................................

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the vicar, Mummy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

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There's this guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes back to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.
"Your parrot has too much hook in its beak. What you need to do is file its beak back and it'll be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says "For you, sir, fifty quid." So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself.
A week later they bump into each other on the street. The pet shop owner inquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet. The bloke replies: "Oh, the parrot's dead." The pet shop owner says, "Didn't I tell you not to file the beak back too far! Did he drown when he had a drink?"
Ex-parrot owner says: "Feck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!"

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Ole and Sven were golfing when Sven pulled out a cigar; he didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my bag," said Ole.
"Could I see him?"
Ole opens the side pocket of his golf bag and out pops the genie.
Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

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It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow, saying, "This is amazing, how do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing, how do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, "Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/03/08 1:18 PM

Hello chaps, chapesses and others - sorry I'm late. Work interfered again!

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the local parish priest if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint.
As they drove to the paint store, they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work.
"It looks wonderful," the priest said and as he started to hand them the check a small rain-cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the parish area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the church the paint started running.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in absolute amazement, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

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Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his top advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with a control knob, a lever, and two slots in the top. "What do you think this is?" he asked.
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster my lord," he said.
The king then asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
The engineer replied, "Um, using a four-bit micro-controller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantifies its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer consultant, immediately recognised the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said: "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind," he continued, "we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods and specialise this class into subclasses, namely grains, pork, and poultry. The specialisation process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, ham and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelette classes."
"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself'. The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 12.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 12.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. A Pentium 4 Processor with 256 megs of memory and a 40-gig hard disk should probably be sufficient. If you select a multi-tasking, object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a doddle. Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit micro-controller!"
The king nodded knowledgeably, had the computer consultant beheaded, and everybody lived happily ever after.

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What did the inflatable teacher say to an inflatable boy who came into the inflatable school with a pin?
[Typical moany teacher voice]: "You've let ME down, you've let THE SCHOOL down, and, worst of all, you've let YOURSELF down..."

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Teacher: “Shane, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’”.
Shane: “I is...”
Teacher: “No, Shane. Always say, "I am."
Shane: “All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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A fellow was doing work in his garden after a storm and realised that he couldn't find the rake. His wife was about to take a shower and he yelled up to her, "Where’s the rake?"
She couldn't hear him properly, so she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
The wife wasn't sure what he meant and said, "What?"
So he repeated the gestures. "EYE KNEE -THE RAKE"
She waved that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her arse, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell that he could even come close to understanding that one, so, exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her "What in the hell was that?"
She replied, “EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH”.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful full-breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
At which point, all the other bells started to ring.........


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/03/08 10:33 AM

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

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There are only 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary and those that don't.

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One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. "Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best."
But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green."
The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.
A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."
"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a seven."

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Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns to dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous. She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

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There's a rumour doing the rounds that says that the Queen is going to skip Prince Charles and give the crown to Prince William instead, when she dies.
Would that be a coronary bypass?

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One dismal, rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Central Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"

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One day, a GP, a junior doctor (one of them intern people), a surgeon and a pathologist are out duck hunting near Mullingar. First up is the local GP. He raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." BANG! He bags himself a duck.
The young intern then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck, likely." BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck.
A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."

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Jim returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.
"All right," Jim shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!"
A muffled voice came from under the bed said, "Havana."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 31/03/08 7:42 AM

This Irishwoman and her husband had a large and luxurious home in the south of France, and they decided to throw a dinner party for all the major Irish people in the region. The woman was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a very beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place for an expresso or a glass of wine.
They were at her apartment about 300 yards down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was totally shagged afterwards in more ways than one, and he conked out there and then.
At seven o'clock the next morning (!) he woke up and realised the time. "Oh no!!! The wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on dead fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He dashed down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails across the verandah, there were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with his very angry missus standing in the doorway wondering where the heck he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Right, come on lads, one final effort, we're almost there!"

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A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

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A man and his wife were driving into town and were stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were doing over the speed limit back there. I was following you for some time", said the officer.
"I'm sure I was only doing about 40,” said the man.
"No you weren't," piped up his wife, "You were doing at least 80 and you know it!"
The man looked at his wife very angrily and threateningly, then returned to look at the officer who was taking note of what was being said.
"Do you also realise that one of your rear lights is broken?" said the policeman.
"Really!?" said the man, "It must have just happened."
"No it didn't!" shouted his wife, "I've been asking you to fix that rear light for ages and you've just been too lazy to do anything about it!"
The officer listened intently, but the man got very angry and started shouting and swearing at his wife. The officer managed to get the man to calm down and then in a concerned manner asked the wife, "Does your husband always speak to you in such a violent manner?"
"Only when he's drunk", she replied.

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When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," admitted the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

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A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well," replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity!"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up. "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."
So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "A new brothel and a new madam!"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well f#ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients . . . how’s it goin', Dave?"

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An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly levelled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Christ, that's awful stuff you've got there!"
"Yeah, ain't it?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig."

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "
“Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/04/08 8:29 AM

The fact that 84 people are reading this thread means that you are ready and waiting! here goes...

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger. After finishing, she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one, so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

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Jesus and Moses are hanging out one afternoon by a lake, reminiscing about the good ol' testament days. Moses walks over to the water's edge, gestures with his arms and shouts "part!” As the water rolls back in on itself, creating a path across the lake, Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Hey, I still got it!" He walks back toward Jesus, with the waters settling back into place behind him.
Not to be out done, Jesus proceeds to the water's edge then starts stepping out across the water, but almost immediately sinks. Perplexed, he returns to dry ground. Moses suggests he try it again, after all, why should the Son of God lose his ability to walk on water. Jesus tries several more times, each ending in wet, angry failure.
Finally he returns to Moses and flops down on the ground next to him. After several moments of silently watching Jesus fuming and muttering to himself, Moses works up the courage and asks "Wait a second -- did you ALWAYS have those holes in your feet?"

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Once, a burglar rushed into a bank, pointed the gun to the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "Don't you mean HISTORY?"
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

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A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, mate," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his mate. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his white stick and kick his guide dog in the #rse."
Posted By: Neoteny

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/04/08 9:01 AM

The owners of the house in which the plane crashed into, returned from holiday, deeply regretting having not turned the landing light off.
Posted By: Neoteny

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/04/08 9:02 AM

It seems the pilot headed for the wardrobe, after all that is where the hanger was...
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/04/08 8:58 AM

Five Cannibals get appointed as engineers in a Hospital. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You f#cking pillock! For four weeks we've been eating Medical Directors, Accountants, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat a cleaning lady!"

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A woman goes to Sweden to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "A nice, young Swedish girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the Swedish girl?
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could – we’ll have to wait about eight and a half months, though”

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A man, who had his share of the bottle, decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"
"No," the voice replied. "I’m the manager of this ice hockey rink."

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One day little Mary came home from playing at Little Johnny's house. "Mummy, Mummy, Johnny's penis is like a peanut."
Her mother is confused and then she realizes what her daughter is talking about. "Oh, you mean, it’s shaped like a peanut."
"No, no," says Mary, "it's salty!"

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A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be £3.08p, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 pence for?" asks the blonde. "It says £3 right here on the price tag."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"God", says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed there. Where do you tack them??"

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Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good." said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had altitude sickness, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion eh!" The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game, he found an ex-pat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, "Wiremu, you hev eltitude suckniss eh."
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. "Will Wiremu," said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna hev to cut off your b#llocks."
"Phew, thenk god for thet!" said Wiremu. "Those Pommie b#stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid £6,000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid £3000 to get my teeth straightened and whitened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"

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Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/04/08 8:36 AM

A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Why Doc," he asked, "am I going blind?"
"No," the doctor explained, "but you're upsetting the other patients!"

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It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a pint of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a pint of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a pint of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

..................................................................................................................................

A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice says, "Just take it easy, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

..................................................................................................................................

A Medical Tutor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or testicles when a female student asked the male students if they ever got an erection while they did self-examination of their testicles. They answered that it was possible that they had. “You know, you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused,” one of them said.
She then asked, "What do you do about it?"
They said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"
They said no way!
She then said, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"
The male students said yes.
At which point, she says, "I'm going to kill my f#cking husband!"

..................................................................................................................................

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie...But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, sunshine," says the genie. "You know how it works. You’ve got three wishes."
"I'm not falling that old chestnut!" says the man. "I'm not going to trust a tax inspector!"
"What’ve to got to lose? You've got no transport, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".
“P O O F!” The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Right, pal, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." “P O O F!” The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I am, beautiful women will want and need me."
“P O O F!” He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story?

If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached!

..................................................................................................................................

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his manhood. "I do all my talking with this."
"Good grief," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

..................................................................................................................................

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

..................................................................................................................................

Two blokes staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely p#ssed mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "I'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the barman.
"What about him?" asked the barman, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," the patron answered.

..................................................................................................................................

"Doc, I can hear all kinds of animals talk in my head."
"Well, don't worry," said the doctor. "You're just having Disney spells."

..................................................................................................................................

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."
"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws."
"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."
Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all. . . . hawk, lion, and stinker.

Posted By: Blondie

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/04/08 9:41 AM

Here's one for your collection Naitch....
Officer, this is how the fight started...
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said,
"Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

. . . . and that's when the fight started...

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/04/08 8:15 AM

The college dorm advisor heard strange noises from Todd's room, well after lights-out. He knocked on the door and said, "Mr. Todd! Are you entertaining in there?"
From behind the door, Todd answered, "Just a second I'll ask her!"

..................................................................................................................................

"My god! What happened to you?" the barman asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barman said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye... that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but no bloody use in a fight!"

..................................................................................................................................

The barman asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A Glenfiddich, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be two pounds," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A solicitor, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the barman, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The barman was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same bloke walks into the bar. The barman says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The bloke says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The barman replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the bloke replies, "Thanks very much. I’ll have a Glenfiddich."

..................................................................................................................................


A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

..................................................................................................................................

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman said, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgae, there's a better one. At MacDougall's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougall himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agreed that sounded like a good place.
Then the Italian said, "Yeah, zat's-a nice bar, but where I-a come from, zere's a better one. In a-Roma, zere's this a-place, called Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo he a-buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agreed that sounded like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den dey take you out back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," said the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/04/08 7:34 AM

I think the ladies are trying totell me something


WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available


Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/04/08 8:42 AM

This man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no one was available to catch the thieves. He said OK, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."
Within two minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response Unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"
He replied "I thought you said there was no-one available!"

..................................................................................................................................

Two Irish lads go on a fishing trip off the coast of Cork. They buy all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the long wading boots, the rowing boat, the lot. Between this and the hired car and the petrol and the bed and breakfast, they end up spending a small fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the lads catches a small cod.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One lad turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred euros?
The other guy says, "Feck! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

..................................................................................................................................

This elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex."

..................................................................................................................................

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him, on the grounds that he would be driving later.

..................................................................................................................................

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says, "OK it's out, are you ready?"
The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do, anyway?"
The ant climbs up and starts humping away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
"Ouch" screams the elephant.
"Yeah,” said the ant, “take it all, bitch."

..................................................................................................................................

Three wise men are following a star through the desert. The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn. They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger. As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle. In agony he yells out "JESUS CHRIST!"
A voice came down from the stygian gloom and said "That's a nice name, we were going to call him Brian."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/04/08 9:47 AM

Q: How to you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!

Q: Guess who I bumped into at the opticians?
A: Everyone.

Q: Five Essex girls were on a boat. The boat sank. How many blondes died?
A: Ten. Five during the accident, and five during the reconstruction for "Crimewatch"

Q: What's bloody, slimey and goes "Ho-Ho-Ho"?
A: Placenta Claus

..................................................................................................................................

Bill and Dale built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Bill to Dale, "that guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

..................................................................................................................................

There was a young boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket. One day a man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said: "There is some [censored] out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "...and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager OK’ed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called the boy over and said, "...you almost got yourself a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
"Finland, sir," the boy replied.
"Oh really? Why did you leave Finland?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players over there."
"My wife is from Finland!!" said the manager, with more than a hint of sternness in his voice.
The boy replied, "Really? What team did she play for?"

..................................................................................................................................

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the barman if he knew the lady. The barman said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Keymed Colonoscopes, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

..................................................................................................................................

(2 jokes in one!)
Tom had parked his car in the woods, trying to get his wicked way with Gladys. "Go on, let me," he pleaded.
"No, I won’t," she retorted.
"Go on, let me"
"No, I won’t, you dirty beast."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to be a virgin when I get married. Besides......it gives me headaches."
Just then, some terrible screams rent the air. "God, did you here those screams?" said Tom.
"I did, Tom. It sounds as if someone’s having a fit."
"Yeah," sighed Tom, "and it sounds like a tight one, too."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: Why are Jewish men such an optimistic group of people?
A: Because they cut a bit off before they find out how much they’re actually going to get!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A nymphomaniac walked into a taxidermist’s shop and said, “I’m dead.............”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Did you hear the one about the Irish queer? He preferred women to Guinness!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Yes, Mrs. Whitehouse, you DID hear me say the phrase ‘Tits like coconuts’, but if you listened a little longer, you would have heard me continue, ‘...and sparrows like breadcrumbs’.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: What’s the sickest thing in the world?
A: Two Siamese twins joined at the mouth, and one of them throws up.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: What’s the definition of TRUE friendship?
A: It’s when your pal goes into town, gets TWO blowjobs, comes back and gives one of them to you.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 09/04/08 8:21 AM

Two married couples were regulars at a Bridge club. On one occasion, they played each other as Ladies versus Gentlemen. One of the men, however, was particularly off form that night. His bidding was awful, his defensive play was atrocious – he was making a dog’s dinner of everything. Mid-way through a rubber, he left the table.
“Excuse me,” he said, “I’m going to the toilet.”
His playing partner observed, rather dryly, “Well, that’s the first time I’ve known what’s been in his hand all night!”

..................................................................................................................................

A long distance truck driver from Newcastle parks his vehicle outside the Dorchester Hotel in London and strides up to the manager on the reception desk.
“You got any low terms for lorry drivers, like?”
“Yes,” said the rather snooty manager, “Sod off you Geordie Git!”

..................................................................................................................................

Patricia Hewitt, the then Health Minister, was making a tour of a hospital, somewhere in Middlesex. She was somewhat perturbed, whilst walking through a ward, to see one of the male patients furiously masturbating!
“What’s the meaning of this?” fumed Hewitt. “We don’t allow this to happen in an N.H.S. hospital!”
“Actually,” offered the accompanying doctor, “we do. That gentleman suffers from a complaint where his testicles generate semen about twelve times faster than normal. If the semen was allowed to remain where it is, his testicles would literally burst open, so masturbation relieves the pressure.”
“Oh, I see”, muttered the Minister, with a hint of sympathy in her voice. She proceeded further into the ward, and saw a rather pretty nurse giving oral sex to another male patient. Ms. Hewitt turned to the doctor and snarled, “Your explanation for this had better be phenomenally good!”
“He’s suffering from the same illness as the last chap,” replied the doctor, “but he’s with BUPA”.

..................................................................................................................................

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county authorities ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damned varmints come onto my property and laid waste to my chicken coop. Old Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped. So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you REALLY ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God! We're gonna be rich!"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/04/08 7:49 AM


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
“Have you thought about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance” says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
“No problem,” replies the doctor, 'it’s tasteless. Drop it into his coffee, he won't even know it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.”
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
“Oh, it was terrible, just terrible doctor.”
“What happened?” asks the doctor.
“Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.”
“What was terrible?” said the doctor, “was the sex not good?”
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!”

..................................................................................................................................

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

..................................................................................................................................

An elderly couple are vacationing in the American Wild West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "and do you know why it's hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

..................................................................................................................................

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the cheek of her arse and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
Now this was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the delivery boy and the pool man.”

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/04/08 8:04 AM

A famous art collector is walking through the middle of London when he notices a rather tatty looking cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognises that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two quid.
The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.”
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty quid for that cat."
“OK,” said the owner. "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty quid I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry pal, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

..................................................................................................................................

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"David, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo, Miss."
"That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow, Miss."
"Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa, Miss"
"Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr... it goes... click!"

..................................................................................................................................

Some tourists in the Natural History Museum are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," remarked the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
"Well,” the guard replied, “the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

..................................................................................................................................

Two friends were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another bloke who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained one of the friends, "He’s got a face like the north end of a southbound rhinoceros, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, no money, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car... yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "and he’s a bloody awful conversationalist. All he does is sit there and lick his own eyebrows."

..................................................................................................................................

Three Irishmen were on the Holyhead ferry, on their way to London to make their fortune. On the voyage, they got into a conversation with a priest, who informed them that the best pub to drink in was a Bass House. They thanked him, and continued on their way to London.
They arrived at Euston station and the first place they head for is the nearest boozer.
“Excuse me, sorr, is dis a Bass House?” asked one of the Irishmen.
“No, sorry mate,” replied the barman, “we only sell Scottish & Newcastle.”
“Den, we’ll be on our way. We’re looking for a Bass House”. They head out of the pub, and spot another alehouse across the road. They enter it, and ask the same question.
“Sorry, pal,” said the barman. “We only sell Whitbread beers. They are rather good, though.”
“It is us dat are sorry, sorr. We’re wanting a Bass House.” At which point our trio leave the pub. They spot another pub towards Kings Cross, so they head towards it.
“Is dis a Bass House?” they ask.
“Yup, this is a Bass House,” replies the barman
“Ahhh, tank feck for dat. We’ll have three pints of Guinness”

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/04/08 2:00 PM

There were two blokes who both suffered from being mute, but had perfect hearing. As they couldn’t speak to each other, they used sign language. They became the best of friends, and met each other on a very regular basis. This went on for many years, until one of them apparently disappeared. His mate missed him terribly, and spent his time hunting high and low for his friend.
After a month or so, he unexpectedly bumped into him in the High Street. “How the hell are you? I haven’t seen you in ages” he said in rather loud sign language.
His friend spoke, “I’m quite well, thank you”.
“Sh#t!” his friend signed, “You spoke! How come?”
“That’s why you haven’t seen me for a while. I’ve been away at a specialist’s and, for the first time in my life, I’ve got a voice”.
“Bloody hell,” signed his friend, somewhat furiously, “can he do the same for me?”
“No problem.” He dug into his inside jacket pocket, pulled out a card and gave it to his friend. “Give him a call, you’ve nothing to lose.”
An appointment with the specialist was duly made, and a few days later, the mute bloke turned up for his first course of treatment.
“O.K.” said the specialist, “we’ll do this one step at a time. Drop your trousers and bend over my desk”. The patient gave a long, horrified look at the doctor. “It’s part of the treatment. I’m not queer!” The patient duly dropped his keks, but still gave the doctor a quizzical look. As he bent over the desk, the doctor grabbed an ornamental poker from the mock fireplace, and forcibly inserted it in the patient’s rectum.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” screamed the patient.
“Very good,” commented the doctor, “tomorrow, we’ll continue with B.”

..................................................................................................................................

The teacher stood facing the class. “Today,” she said, “We’re going to try and improve your word power. I’m going to give you a word, and I want you to give me another word that means much the same thing. Who can give me another word for ‘drifting’?”
Margaret slowly and hesitantly put her hand up.
“Yes, Margaret?” asked the teacher.
“’Floating’, Miss?” answered Margaret.
“Yes, that’s good. Who can give me another word for ‘coracle’?”
Trevor immediately put his hand up. “’Boat’, Miss,” he said.
“Yes, that’s close enough. I can see that you’re good at this, so we’ll try a harder word. Who can give me another word for ‘indifferent’?”
This stumped everyone, except for Johnny on the back row, who put his hand up and waved it around. “’Lovely’, Miss,” he answered.
“No, Johnny, you’re wrong, but tell me, what makes you think it means ‘lovely’?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “in the middle of last night, I had to get up and go to the toilet. As I walked past Mummy’s and Daddy’s bedroom, I heard Mummy say ‘Oooooooh, that’s lovely’, and Daddy said, ‘Yes, it’s in different.’”

..................................................................................................................................

The senior Medical Officer at an army barracks decided to check the patients under his care. He strode off to his ward, which only had three patients. He approached the first patient, a sergeant.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Syphilis, sir,” replied the sergeant.
“Do you know what your treatment is?”
“Yes, sir. I take the pills three times a day and scrub the infected parts with a brush.”
“Good,” commented the M.O. and moves onto the next bed, occupied by a corporal. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Gonorrhoea, sir,” answered the corporal.
“Do you know what your treatment is?”
“Yes, sir. I take the pills three times a day and scrub the infected parts with a brush.”
“Good,” commented the M.O. and moves onto the next bed, this time occupied by a lowly private. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“Ulcers on the tongue, sir,” said the private.
“Do you know what your treatment is?”
“Yes sir. It’s the same as the other two, but I try and get the brush first......”

..................................................................................................................................

Q: How do you tell if a girl’s ticklish?
A: Give her a couple of test tickles.


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/04/08 11:32 AM

A bloke walks into a brothel, and asks for the Madame.
“How can I help you, Sir?” she inquired.
“I’m looking for a special woman,” he said. “A tall blonde, but with no figure whatsoever. No bum, no waist, no tits – nothing. Could you provide such a woman?”
“Mmmmmm,” mused the Madame, “difficult, but I’ll see what I can do. If you leave me your address and telephone number, I’ll get back to you.” The bloke writes down the number, leaves £50 on account and returns home.
As soon as he gets home, his phone is ringing, and it’s the Madame.
“I’ve got the girl. She’s exactly as you requested – an animated knitting needle,” and she goes into more detail.
“Perfect,” said the bloke. “If the £50 covers everything, could you send her over immediately?”
“She’s on her way,” said the Madame. Fifteen minutes later, the bloke gets a knock on the door. Standing on the doorstep is the skinniest woman you have ever seen in your life. Compared to her, an Ethiopian would have been called ‘fat’. The bloke invited her into his lounge.
“What I’d like you to do is to take all your clothes off and get on your hands and knees in the middle of the room. I won’t be a moment.” As the bloke left the room, the woman removed her clothes. As she got down on the hands and knees, she heard a deep throated ‘WOOF, WOOF’ and the biggest Old English Sheepdog she had ever seen bounded into the room, followed by the bloke. Before she had time to protest, the bloke pointed at the woman, looked at the dog and said, “THAT’S what you look like when you don’t eat you Winalot!”

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A typist, just starting work for the day, noticed that the crack in her window pane had got noticeably longer, so she rang up the maintenance department and reported it as a fault. An hour later, an engineer arrived to sort the problem out. He took one look at the crack, and pulled out a hand drill from his tool-bag. He then slowly drilled a small hole in the pane just ahead of the encroaching crack. The typist was watching this with some interest.
“Excuse my curiosity, but what, exactly, are you doing? I don’t see the point of it.”
“Well,” explained the engineer, “ we let the crack spread of its own accord, but when it reaches the drilled hole, it stops.”
“Oh,” exclaimed the typist. “Is that why I’ve got a belly-button?”

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As Colonel-in-Chief of the regiment, the Queen makes a tour of the regimental barracks. This takes in a visit to the Medical Wing, where the sole occupant was a private.
“What ails you?” asked her majesty.
“I’ve got a rash on my b#llocks, Ma’am”, replies the soldier. The Queen makes a hurried departure.
The Regimental Sergeant Major heard about this, and strode to the Medical Wing. “WHAT THE F#CKING HELL DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, YOU F#CKING STUPID C#NT? “ roared the R.S.M. “HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF TACT... DIPLOMACY...ANYTHING LIKE THAT?????”
“N..N..N..No,” quivered the private, clearly shaking with fear at this verbal assault.
The R.S.M. lowered his voice, but just as sternly explained. “You don’t mention your private parts like that to a lady, never mind the Queen. You should have said that you had a rash on your feet, or something like that. Yes, it isn’t the whole truth, but it sounds better. You got that?”
“Y..Y..Yes, Sar’nt Major.”
Two days later, as the honorary C.O. Princess Anne was on a similar tour of the barracks. She, too, visited the Medical Wing, and spoke to the private. “What are you suffering from, private?”
Remembering the bollocking he received from his R.S.M. the private replied, “I’ve got a rash all over my feet, Ma’am”.
“Oh,” responded Anne, “so it’s spread, then?”

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Izzy was walking down Golders Green High Street, and he looked into a butchers shop. He saw a selection of beautiful pork fillet steaks, so he thought, “Bugger the religion, I’m having them.” So he walked into the shop a bought a couple.
He took them home, put them under the grill and put some onions and mushrooms into a frying pan. As this lot is cooking, his son walks in.
“Watcha doing, Papa?” He looks into the grill. “A pork fillet. I’m going straight to the Rabbi!”
“No, no, son, there’s no need for that. Tell you what, I’ll give you 50 quid or a new suit. What do you want?”
“I’ll take the 50 quid, Papa.”
“OK, Son”, he says, pulling £50 out of his wallet, “there you go, now don’t mention this to the Rabbi, OK?”
“OK, Papa,” said his son, who now disappears off.
Just then, his daughter walked into the kitchen. “Hi, Papa, what’s cooking?” She too looked into the grill. “Pork fillets? I’m going to tell Momma!”
“No, no,” pleaded her father. “I’ll give you 50 quid or a new outfit, What do you want?”
“OK, Papa, I’ll have a new outfit.”
“Right, when you need it, let me know. Until then, keep schtum, OK?”
“OK, Papa”. Shortly after she left, the pork was ready, and Izzy devoured it.
The following morning, Izzy was walking to the newsagent, feeling miserable as sin, when he bumped into his old friend Moshe.
“Hello, Izzy,” greeted Moshe, “why the long face?”
“Well,” said Izzy, “I turned Christian yesterday for 20 minutes, and straight away, I got turned over by a couple of Jews!”


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/04/08 11:28 AM

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?”
The patient implored, "Please... Break my arms!"

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“I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Melanie to Colleen.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Colleen responded.
"He did." Melanie replied "That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

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Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. The mysterious old woman said, "For ten pounds, I will read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."

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They had just been married that afternoon and had journeyed to the city to spend their honeymoon. Night had fallen and the bride had already put on the beautiful silken nightie reserved for the occasion and was lounging voluptuously upon the bed. For an hour now, the groom, still fully dressed, had been gazing out the window into the darkness.
Impatiently his bride addressed him. "Why don't you undress, John, and come to bed?"
"Never mind me," he replied. "Go ahead and go to sleep. My mother told me this would be the most wonderful night I'd ever see and I don't want to miss a single minute of it."

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One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud dad stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the nappy area. When he undid the nappy, he found that it was full.
"Here's the problem", the Doctor said. "He needs a change."
The father was mystified "But the package says it’s good for up to 10 lbs!"

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Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The surgeon hands him the needle and says, "OK, suture self."

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Paddy was on holiday in Canada. Whilst he was in Calgary, the famous Calgary Stampede Rodeo was taking place, so he went to see it.
He was particularly intrigued by the Bucking Bronco competition, where professional horsemen tried to stay on an unbroken stallion for as long as possible. When the main competition had finished, the P.A. made the announcement that members of the general public could have a go on a Bucking Bronco. Paddy fancied his chances, and made his way to the paddock.
As he was about sixth in line to have a go, he watched other amateurs have a go, and they only lasted a few seconds before being deposited on their behinds. When his turn came around, he was suitably strapped in on top of the stallion, and before he knew it, the gate was opened and the horse bolted out into the arena.
To the utter amazement of the spectators, and the original competitors, Paddy managed to hang on. The bronco twisted, turned and bucked like fury, trying to dislodge Paddy, but to no avail – Paddy hung on for dear life. After about 40 seconds, the bronco gave up. It had been 'broken'. The P.A. announced that not only had Paddy broken the Stampede record for amateur riders, but also had bettered the winning time for that year’s professional contest. Paddy dismounted the heavily perspiring beast and walked back to the paddock. As he reached the saddling enclosure, one of the cowboys yelled down, “ Oi, Paddy, how long have you been riding horses?”
“I’ve never done that before,” replied Paddy. “It’s my first time”.
“Then how did you learn how to stay on for so long?” asked the cowboy.
“That’s easy,” said Paddy, ”the wife’s an epileptic.”

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A coloured chap died and duly knocked on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter arrived, took one look at him and refused him entry.
“Sorry,” said St. Peter, “we’ve already had our full quota of blacks for the week. We just had a large intake from South Africa.” (This is a VERY old joke!) “You’ll have to go downstairs.”
“But I think I’m a special case. You see, I’m from Alabama...”
“Yeah, so?” retorted St. Pete.
“My wife was white.”
“WHAT?” shrieked St. Peter, incredulously, “You’re joking, surely?”
“No, sir. My wife was white. All of her family was at the wedding. In fact, her father and all her brothers are in the Ku Klux Klan.”
“In that case”, admired St. Peter, “I can let you in. By the way, how long were you married?”
“About 30 nanoseconds.”
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/04/08 10:36 AM

Count Dracula walked into a pub. He slid up to the bar and whispered in his deep and croaking voice “I’d like a pint of water, please.”
“Pardon?” said a disbelieving barman.
“I’d like a pint of water, please,” repeated the Count.
“Come off it, pal!” retorted the barman. “You are Count Dracula. You don’t drink water.”
“Nevertheless,” said the Count, with a mixture of exasperation and menace in his voice, “I want a pint of water.”
“OK, you’re the customer,” and the barman gave him a pint of tap water. Before the barman had a chance to serve someone else, Dracula whipped out a used tampax and dunked it into his water, saying to the barman, “Have you never heard of tea-bags?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bloke, having a pint in his favourite pub, couldn’t help but notice a beautiful woman wearing the tightest denim jeans he had ever seen. With burning curiosity, he went over, and said, “Excuse me, miss, but I have to ask this. How on earth do you get into those jeans?”
“Well,” she replied with warmth in her voice, “the first thing you do is buy me a drink...”

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A young man was doing his best to get his wicked way with a young lady.
“Would you make love to me if I gave you 50 pence?” he asked.
“Certainly not!” snapped the young lady. “What sort of woman do you think I am?”
After a pause, he asked “Would you make love to me if I gave you a million pounds?”
This made the lady think. “Perhaps,” she slowly responded.
“Well,” he asked,” Would you make love to me if I gave you 60 pence?”
“Certainly not!” snapped the young lady. “What sort of woman do you think I am?”
“Oh, I know what sort of woman you are,” he said with a hint of superiority in his voice. “All we’re doing now is haggling over the price!”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Halfway through a geography lesson, Richard put his hand up. “Please, miss. Can I go for a pee?”
“I BEG YOUR PARDON??” shrieked the teacher.
“Please, miss..may...I......” Richard’s voice tapered off into silence.
“That is the most disgusting language I have ever heard from this class! Do you say that at home?”
Richard nodded.
“Well, you’re not going to say it here,” she said firmly. “In future, if you want to do...that...you ask for a number one. If you want to do the other,” (she couldn’t lower herself to say ‘poo’), “you ask for a number two. Is that clear?”
“Yes, miss,” the class chorused, and Richard was allowed to go to the toilet. The lesson resumed.
After about ten minutes, Margaret put her hand up. “Please, miss, can I go for a number two?”
“Yes, Margaret, off you go.” After she had left the room, the teacher said, ”Now that’s the proper way to ask, isn’t it, Richard?” Richard nodded.
After another fifteen minutes, Simon put his hand up. “Please, miss, can I go for a number one?”
“Yes, Simon, of course you can,” and Simon rushed off. “I think you’ve all learned a new lesson, today, class.” Just then, she spotted Johnny on the back row, who is clearly in some sort of distress, with a hint of blue in the colour of his face. “Johnny, what’s the matter? Are you all right?”
“Please, miss,” he said, rather tearfully, “I need to fart, but I don’t know the code!”


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/04/08 9:08 AM

At the end of last year, I was walking down Oxford Street in London. As I was passing Boots the Chemist, I happened to glance at their window display. It was full of Tampax tampons of all different colours. Green ones, orange ones, blue ones – all the colours of the rainbow. Apparently, this was just for the Christmas period.

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Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh blast, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."
The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What’s wrong? Don't you like getting flowers?"
The Brunette says, "Oh certainly...but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The Blonde replies, "Don't you have a vase?"

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A blonde female was driving down the motorway when her car phone rang; it was her husband. "Honey, I just heard on the news, there’s a car going the wrong way on the M8. Please be careful".
The blonde replies, "It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang. (You can gather from this that this is an old joke!)
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I’m ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there’s meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army by 1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin¹s micro-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites surround my military complexes. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!” said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a few pints, and decided there's no feckin’ way we can feed two million prisoners."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/04/08 7:44 AM

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs’ legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don't f#cking think so!”

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Two blokes were sitting in the topmost bar of the Empire State Building, supping pints. One of them said, “Did you know that if you jump from the window of this bar, by the time you get to the 10th floor, the wind is so intense that it blows you through a window, back into the Empire State Building?”
The barman, who heard this conversation, shook his head in disapproval, but carried on cleaning the glasses in silence.
“Bullshit!” said the second bloke, “You’re having a laugh!”
“No, it’s true. Watch this” whereupon the first bloke ran across the floor of the bar and threw himself over the balcony into space. The second bloke, scared out of his wits, ran to the balcony to see what was happening. Sure enough, as soon as the first bloke reaches the 10th floor window, a gust of wind whips him through a window. He then took the lift back to the bar.
The second bloke couldn’t believe what he had just seen. “That was bloody incredible! It must’ve been a pure fluke!”
“No, not at all,” said the first bloke. “I’ll do it again,” and, sure enough, the first bloke ran across the floor of the bar and threw himself over the balcony again. Another gust of wind blew him back through a 10th floor window, and he returned to the bar via the lift. “OK,” said the first bloke, “you have a go.”
“What the hell. He did it twice, so it must be easy,” so he threw himself over the balcony. He hit 42nd Street with a sickening “SPLATT!”
Back in the bar, the barman, who had maintained his silence, shook his head, and said, “You can be a total sod when you’ve got a drink inside you, Superman!”

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
1) I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you.
2) I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you.
3) I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
“Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just so long as YOU understand that there'll be sex here at ten o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/04/08 1:09 PM

A Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

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A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late...doing what?" he asked.
"Getting a second opinion!"

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" despite her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six'?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Italy. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It read, "It's 5:00 am, wake up."

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Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve-inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

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Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/04/08 7:39 AM

Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car...Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"

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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of the armed services. He ordered that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster, walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first brother and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in, NOW! Get all the paper work done – the lot – everything. Do it!"
The aide hustles the first brother off. The general looks at the second brother and asked, "What skills could you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Shee-it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Jennifer.”
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Jennifer is actually your half- sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George W. Bush and Gordon Brown are sitting in a pub, having a pint. A bloke walks in and says to the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Brown sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the bloke walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour. What are you guys doing in here?"
Brown says, "We're planning WW III ".
The bloke says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Brown says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.”
The bloke exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?
Brown turns to Bush, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart arse, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two friends, Bubba and Billy-Joe, rented a boat and went fishing in the bayou. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to return to the shore, Bubba said to Billy-Joe, "Let's mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Bubba said, "Did you mark that spot?”
"Yeah,” replied Billy-Joe, “I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
"That was dumb!” said Bubba, “What if we don't get the same boat today?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends. During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died.
"[censored]," said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging a grave."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple were on their honeymoon and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around. After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.
The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her. "How old are you my dear?" the doctor asked.
"I’m 22," replied the wife, "why?"
The doctor replied, "Because it says on your #rse that you were born in 1755."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/04/08 10:00 AM

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis for a full recovery is good."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could have deduced this so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Boots and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

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In a city park stood two statues, one male and the other female. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 60 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After thirty minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes smiling and obviously satisfied. However, the angel looked at his watch quizzically, and said the statues, "You’ve still got thirty minutes left. Don’t you want more?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL sh#t on its head!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A huge convoy of trucks have left Dublin heading for the Gulf. Half the trucks have sand, half have cement. Sources say they are planning a huge mortar attack.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the different between a British tank and an Iraqi tank?

A: Don't ask me, I'm American.


Posted By: Huw

$164 Million dollar lottery winner - 24/04/08 10:02 PM

ok, so this guy won $164 MILLION dollars.

What would you do?

This is what he did.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: $164 Million dollar lottery winner - 25/04/08 7:56 AM

A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. "Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well", said the man, “I'm 35 years old and I have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend,” reassured the doctor, “this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, it worked alright,” said the man. “For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So,” asked the doctor, quizzically, “what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied "but the wife does."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local bar. He made such a racket slamming into the furniture as he weaved through the house, he woke his wife upstairs in the bedroom.
"What the hell are you doing down there?" she screamed down the stairs. "Get your #rse up here to bed before you wake up the neighbours!"
"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs!" he yelled back.
"Leave it until the morning!"
"I can't," he yelled, "I drank it!"

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An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the bloke was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old bloke said, "I'm a haggis hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing haggis’s up and down the glens."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
The old bloke said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old bloke said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he hunted haggis with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a haggis hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?"
The old bloke said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? How old is he?"
The old bloke said, "He's 118 years old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went haggis hunting with you this morning too?"
The old bloke said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."
The Doctor said in amazement, “GOT MARRIED???” Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
The old bloke said, "Who said he wanted to?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes for his annual check-up and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.
"Well," says the doctor, "You're in pretty good health, however I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you."
"OK, let me have the good news first," requests the guy.
"You're penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical."
"GREAT!" exclaims the guy, "but what's the BAD news?"
The doctor replies, "It's malignant!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frank and Lisa went out to a restaurant. Both of them ordered the chicken gujons for dinner. When they arrived, Lisa stopped the waitress.
"Just a minute! Why do I have only 4 pieces when my husband Frank has 5?"
The waitress told them the dinners were by weight.
"Weight??? Nobody weighed us when we came in!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little girl runs into her house, tears running down her face She races up to her mother and says, "Mummy, Mummy, can I have a glass of cider?"
"Why on earth do you want cider?" asks her concerned yet confused mother.
"To take the pain away," sobs the little girl
Obviously the mother refuses, but the girl keeps on crying and eventually her mother pours her a glass of cider in an attempt to shut her up
The little girl grabs the glass and immediately puts her hand into it. "It doesn't work," screams the little girl
"What do you mean?" asks her mother
"Well," sniffs the little girl, "I overheard the big girl next door say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she has to get it in cider!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shortly after the baby was born, the panicking Japanese father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"That’s not possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."
"OK, then," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year or so. We only made love about once or twice a month."
"Well, there you have it," the doctor said confidently, "it's just rust!"



Posted By: Naitch

Re: $164 Million dollar lottery winner - 28/04/08 8:14 AM

A man is having problems with his penis, which had certainly seen better days. He consulted a doctor who, after a couple of tests, said, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out and you’ve probably only got 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walked home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asked him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He told her what the doctor told him. She said, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"
He replied, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home, and your name isn't on it."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doctor, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy b#stard."
"Okay," said the man. "Now what’s the medical term for that? I have to tell my wife something."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The medics rushed Solly Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and most of the morning and finally transfer him to the CCU, where therapy continues. After a couple of days, Solly's physician comes into his room and says, "Solly, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."
Solly goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"
Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Solly. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."
Solly was dejected and somewhat frustrated, so next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Solly, not a problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad”, and he wrote:
'Mr. Soloman Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz, M.D.'
“Now,” continued the doctor, “I'll just address this. By the way, Solly, what's your wife's first name?"
"Er....... could you just write 'To Whom It May Concern?’"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"OK, I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Maserati or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision will be yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mick Hucknall was arrested last night for having sex with an underage rabbit. Apparently he was holding back the ears and the bunny was too tight to mention!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurant owner, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush, Senior, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck on this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh#t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh#t, now we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: $164 Million dollar lottery winner - 29/04/08 8:16 AM

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin " etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "To be perfectly truthful," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realise that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers this door.
This nun instructs, "Please place £50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets £50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, saying:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little 4-year-old Linda woke up in the middle of the night when she heard strange, groaning noises coming from her mummy & daddy’s room next door. Linda slowly walked up to their closed door and squinted through the keyhole. In the dimly lit room, see saw the action.
The next morning, Linda walked up to her mother, who was working in the kitchen, and said, “I don’t like you any more, mummy.”
Her mother, understandably perturbed at this, asked “Why, sweetheart?”
Linda said “Last night, I heard some noises. I looked through your bedroom keyhole and you were bobbing up and down on daddy and you were both making hurting noises!”
Her mother, embarrassed, said, “No, darling, I wasn’t hurting him. You know your daddy has grown a bit of a big belly. All I was doing was sitting on it to make it smaller.”
Linda thought about this for a few moments, then said, “But it won’t work, mummy!”
Mystified by this, her mother asked, “What makes you think that?”
Linda replied, “Cos when you go to work in the morning, Jenny from next door comes round and blows him back up again!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was mealtime during a flight on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three women are in a tennis club locker room preparing to play a game when, suddenly, a guy ran through the room stark naked, wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passed the first woman, who looked down at his private parts. "Thank goodness!!!” she said, with obvious relief in her voice. “He's not my husband.”
He passed by the second woman, who also looked down as he's passing. "He's not my husband either," she said, also not recognising his crown jewels.
He passed by the third woman, who also looked down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/04/08 9:27 AM

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 5 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald coloured shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased; what an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there, take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The little girl had just listened to her mother reading one of her favourite fairy tales. "Mummy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once Upon a Time...?'"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the hospital tonight...’ “

------------------------------------------------------------------------

ZEN – 2003

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

2. A journey of a thousand miles usually begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. The first thing that happens is that we get smacked on the #rse. From that point on, things get worse.

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/05/08 7:45 AM

A version of this has already appeared on this site somewhere. This version is BIGGER, though not necessarily better.

The Official Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1", so you know what priority each one is.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday/Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. I have the body of a God. Buddha is a God, OK?

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil.....please!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial break.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is, nor how to pronounce it.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are fibbing, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel fluff, the 4-3-3 formation or Triumph Bonneville engines.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No, NO! You really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take a quiz together. It doesn't matter what sort of quiz.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. OK?

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I really don't mind that; it's like camping.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/05/08 9:45 PM

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut landed in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then stuffed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut shot out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man modestly insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was out of earshot, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

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Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone cashier trying to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the cashier making noises through his gag. Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say,
"For Christ’s sake, take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short 70 quid, and I don’t know where it’s gone!"

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A young lad was bragging in the school playground to his friends that his brother could play the piano by ear.
"That's nothing," said one boy "My brother fiddles with his willy!"

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A man rushes home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers came up!”
"Oh wonderful,” she said, “shall I pack my bags for the big city or the beach?"
"I don't care,” he replied, “just sod off out of my life!"

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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled; "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class!”

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking more than a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

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A missionary, who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets the word that he is to return home. He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of some heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowpipe and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

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The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague at the hospital on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth player for the darts team. Doctor Thompson had to pull out," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

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While waiting in line at the bank with a friend, he started to develop a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the cashier's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The cashier took my friend's cheque and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his cheque.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of £5000."
"That’s impossible!" he cried. "You have got to be bloody joking!"
"Yes, you’re right, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups have gone!"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/05/08 12:14 PM


Your Cesspit Mind!!!

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's trousers that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?

7) What four-letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you haven't got one, you can use your hands?

8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9) What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Answers:

1. Talk.
2. Legs.
3. A £20 note.
4. Firetruck (I will accept Fueltruck)
5. Bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt.
6. Pants.
7. Fork.
8. A bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut Chocolate.
9. Grit.
10. His surname.

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Film Classifications explained

U: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy gets the girl.

15: The Bad Guy gets the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

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Which three British professional football teams have names that include a swear word? The first is easy. Scroll down…
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Arsenal, and (a bit harder) scroll down...
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Scunthorpe and (will you get it?) scroll down...
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Glasgow F##king Rangers!
(You can, of course, modify this to any team that attracts your displeasure!!!)

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/05/08 12:17 PM

An old man and old woman had been married for about 50 years when one day the old man died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old woman would show up at the grave with her dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old woman out there with her dog and decided to go talk to her.
"Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your husband's grave and I think that’s so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your husband since you always bring it out here with you."
"No,” said the old woman “actually I bring the dog out here to p#ss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."

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An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist, "He can't swim."

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost £300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied, "I earned it hiking."
"Bullsh#t, son," the father said "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth." the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a £20 note and tell me to take a hike!"

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The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the golf club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.
He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a beautiful 300-yard drive down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, honey. Anywhere around there will be fine."
She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole."
She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.
The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.
Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's OK. I think we can do better on the next hole."
She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

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William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, but he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"
Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/05/08 8:25 AM

This man is at work one day when he notices that his pal is wearing an earring. This man knows his pal to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense," so he asked his pal, "Maurice, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an bloody earring," says Maurice, a little sheepishly.
"Really? And how long have you been wearing one?"
"Err...ever since my wife Becky found it in our bed."

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A guy wakes up at home with the mother of all hangovers. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of paracetamols and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down on the side of the bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so is the rest of the house.
He takes the paracetamols and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and a copy of the morning’s newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
His father asked, "Son, what the hell happened last night?"
His son replied, "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, nissed as a pewt. You broke some furniture as you walked in, and threw up in the hallway.”
The father asked, a little surprised, "So, why is everything in order, so clean and there’s food is on the table?"
His son said, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "F*ck off, bitch! Leave me alone, I’m a married man!"

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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family greeted him, hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year-old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most explosive sex he had ever experienced.
When he he'd had enough they went downstairs where the blonde made him a huge breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, baked beans, fried bread and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'f#ck him.... give him a fiver'”.
“Breakfast was my idea.”

Posted By: Neoteny

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/05/08 8:34 AM


A stork brings white babies
A blackbird brings black babies

What brings NO babies?






A Swallow
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/05/08 8:50 AM

A little boy, about 12 years old, walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of the local knocking shop and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money for it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam thought, ‘why not’, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"
Of course the Madam said, ‘no’.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to go to the clap-clinic after having sex with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, still dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught".
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will drive the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll screw her in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".
"Tomorrow morning, just after Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and that’s the b#stard who ran over my frog!"

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There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here, we can put in a pig and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty quid.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in those pyjamas!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!
And remember - money talks...but chocolate sings!

(This joke was probably written by Dawn French, with some help from Jennifer Saunders!!!)

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A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialled 999. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

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Two privates, Billy-Bob and Bubba, stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. Whilst digging, they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!" remarked Bubba.
"T’ain't no mule”, replied Billy-Bob, “this here's a donkey."
"Mule!" insisted Bubba.
"Donkey!" responded Billy-Bob, twice as loud.
This went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked.
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule," answered Bubba.
"It’s a donkey, dammit!" yelled Billy-Bob.
The chaplain cut in. "Boys, it’s neither one. Actually, it's an ass.”
“Oh,” said the privates in unison, looking at each other somewhat apologetically.
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/05/08 8:51 AM

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS & GIRLS

GIRL'S DIARY

Sunday May 11th, 2008

Saw Colin this evening and he was acting strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence I said I was going to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me to bed immediately but did so later on and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.

BOYS DIARY

Sunday May 11th, 2008

Birmingham were relegated today. Totally gutted. Got a sh#g though.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/05/08 11:04 AM

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the priest went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the priest asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Father," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind him!"

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The wife of Morris went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband had been missing for 3 weeks. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "Morris is 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had blue eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs about 13 stone, is soft-spoken and is good to our children."
Sherry, her next-door neighbour protested. "No he isn’t! Your husband is 53 years old, 5 foot 6 inches, fat, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Shut it, Sherry! Who the hell wants HIM back?"

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying there a few minutes the old man farts and said, "Try. Five points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Try, five points. Tied score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Try, I'm ahead 10 to 5."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Another try, tied score again." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 - 10."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting, he sh#ts the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Change sides."

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A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Bristol Parachute Club".
A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the Bristol Prostitute Club"?
“No sir", came the firm and stern reply, "this is the Bristol Parachute Club".
"Sh#t!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week".

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A man went to an urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out and told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if the man was willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to give it a go.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of the meal, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With tears in his eyes, he replied, "I think so, but I'm not sure if I can get another bread roll to go up my #rse...”

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A little old lady had always wanted to join the local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A huge, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms and chest answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies "Yep ...my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table.
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my t#ts a few times."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/05/08 12:40 PM

A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet and had the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. "That is a very nice fire engine," the fireman said with admiration.
"Thank you," the girl said.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Partner," he said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.”

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Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to Church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

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The grizzled old Regimental Sergeant Major was personally conducting the course in boot camp. He growled at me: "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling towards camp, what procedure would you follow?"
"Well, Sergeant Major," I answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."

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One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner - Mother Potato, Father Potato, and their three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise and delight as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married...That's wonderful! And who are you marrying?"
"I'm marrying a Jersey Royal!" the eldest daughter replied.
"A Jersey Royal!" said Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Jersey Royal is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" asked Mother.
"I, too, am getting married!"
"And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying a King Edward," beamed the middle daughter.
"A King Edward!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, a King Edward is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
"Mother...erm, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters getting married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying John Motson!"
"John Motson? JOHN MOTSON?!?!?!" Mother Potato scowls. "But he's a common tater!"

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Heather and Senga hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Senga confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.
"He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me?’" Senga asked.
"No,” Heather replied, “he said 'put your money away'!"


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/05/08 10:08 AM

Lots of little one's today

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "A pint please, and one for the road."

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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says, “What are you supposed to be?'
The man says, "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" shrieks the woman.
The man says, "I've just come in my pants."

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Two T.V. aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The Doctor says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome," said the doctor.
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for pants. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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Answer phone message "....If you want to buy any marijuana, press the hash key...."

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog's gone cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's bloody heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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A man walks into the doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/05/08 10:09 AM

Q: How does a surgeon commit suicide?

A: He jumps from his ego to his I.Q.

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The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. “Have you ever been X-Rayed” asked the nurse.
“Nope,” replied the belle, “but I’ve been ultra-violated a few times.”

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/05/08 2:01 PM

A fruit grower called to see the buyer for a supermarket chain with what he claimed to be a new apple. The buyer tried it. "It tastes just like a Granny Smiths,” he said.
"Turn it round and try again," said the grower.
The buyer turned the apple and bit again. His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "That side tastes like Golden Delicious!"
"Yes! Brilliant, isn't it?"
"It may be, but I can't buy them. People want to buy either Granny Smiths' or Golden Delicious. Not both in one fruit. Go away and do something really new with the same technique."
So a few years later, the grower comes back and presents the buyer with another apple. "Try this."
The buyer bites it. "Wow! It tastes like an orange!"
"Turn it round and try again."
"Oh my! That side tastes like banana!"
"Isn't it great?"
"It's very clever, but not marketable. People who want oranges or bananas buy oranges or bananas. You'll have to bring me something they can't buy any other way."
So the grower returns a few years later. "Now this one is truly unique. It tastes like a woman."
Intrigued, the buyer bites into it. His face screws up, he retches and exclaims, "Oh sh#t!"
"Turn it round, turn it round."

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Since their wedding day three years before, Cindy had been nagging Bill to tell her about his past. "Come on tell me," she asked again, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Honey, if I told you, you'd just get mad," he replied.
"No I won't, I promise. Please tell me," she pleaded.
Finally he said, "Well, OK, then. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, YOU, seven, eight...."

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A 100-year-old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter.
"Well, I don't drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer, "and, I make it a point to stay well away from wild women."
Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigarette in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd, grinned and cackled "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What the hell was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

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Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."
A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."
A moment or two later, Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."
In response, "Screw YOU, Sammy," Molly says.
After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/05/08 8:38 AM

Once upon a time, a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Jaysus, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey," he called, "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory! And I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they replied.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field over there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
He couldn't resist this, so he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots ever. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "Right, what else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and whispered softly, "There's one other thing you must try. You see them rabbits over there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're lady rabbits. We sh#g them. Go and give it a go."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning sh#gging his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the lads. "That was utterly incredible," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I’ve had a really great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm simply dying for a smoke."


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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing nappies.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby!"

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Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to the local hospital.
The on-duty surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got the job done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work"
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the football pitch."
Sam went to the football pitch and there was John, kicking 25-yard goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

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Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. It’s disgusting. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," Johnny responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"Yes I do." Johnny corrected. "It means the car won't start."

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Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "every once in a while, my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor,” Dan replied. “That's why I want the divorce."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/05/08 10:10 AM

Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he was asked by one of them, "Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?"
Ray answered, "That’s easy. I just never argue with anyone."
The reporter shot back, "That's crazy. It had to be something else - diet, meditation or something like that. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 175 years!"
The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds then he shrugged his shoulders. "Hmmm. Maybe you're right."

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One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows mating. The new bride asks with a sly grin, "What are they doing, darling?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
"Oh, I see!" she replies, while trying to hide her knowing expression.
After a couple more hours of driving they pass two horses mating. Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, darling?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
"Oh, I see!" she replies.
Finally, they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other’s body. The bride discovers her husband’s privates.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "but I need more rope. Undo those knots!"

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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "No, they’re too loose."
The man then said, "OK, don’t worry. I’ve got another pair - try your luck with these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Now they’re too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. "Don’t panic. I’ve got one more pair. Try them."
"They fit perfectly," the speaker said, with great relief. With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. I've been looking for a good dentist for ages. Where’s your surgery? "
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

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If I had the chance to change just one thing in my life, I think I'd have to pick underpants.

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My great-uncle was a circus ringmaster.
A lorry carrying the world’s fattest man, the lobster boy and the bearded lady ran over him.
It was a freak accident.

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Our Dad says kids today are very different, and much more biased than when he was a kid. For example, when he takes them to the store, they say, "Bias this" and "Bias that."

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It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." Without waiting for an answer, she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of knickers!” The dice stop rolling and come to a standstill. "YES...YES... I WIN!" she screamed at the top of her voice. With that she picks up all the money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"

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A farmer has about 200 hens, but no cock and he wants eggs and chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a cock. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great cock, called Randy. He'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."
Well, Randy the cock costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the cock a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service, you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. WHOOSH - he nails every hen on there three or four times each and the farmer is amazed. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHOOSH - he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is leaping on the bones of every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is a bit worried that his expensive cock won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy lying on his back in the middle of the yard with his feet pointing skyward.
The vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying overhead and says, "B#gger off, will you. They're getting closer, and you’ll scare them off!"



Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/05/08 11:09 AM

Hi Naitch
With regard to that last joke and the randy cock, Jasper Carrott sang a song on that very subject (written by Jake Thackaray)on the album "Carrott in Notts" made in about the late 70's.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/05/08 8:33 AM

Hi Kwak

Yes, I know. I've got the "Carrott in Notts" album, AND I saw him do it on TV (from where the album came from). However, all Thackeray did was put a joke to music. I actually first heard the joke in the mid 1970's. On the subject of Carrott albums, you want to look out for the one he hawked around in the mid 1970's, when he first started out. He ran a folk club in Solihull called "The Boggery" and toured the country. He made his own 12" album, called "Jasper Carrott - In The Club", whose cover sleeve had him pictured outside a Mothercare shop with a pillow up his shirt! It contains the original "Magic Roundabout" sketch, which was on the b-side of his God-awful "Funky Moped" single. Everyone bought it for the b-side!

Anyway, to return to normality



A high-powered businessman had to spend a couple of weeks in hospital. He was a royal pain in the #rse towards the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The Ward Sister was the only one who could stand up to him.
One day, she came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No,” the sister said, "for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he dropped his pyjama bottoms, rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well... yes... I have, but not with a carnation!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong as well."

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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"
"It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business!” snapped the old man. “Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly, the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this was the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less f#cking lawyer..."

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A lady walks into Boot’s and asks the chemist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband," said the lady, calmly
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" said the astonished chemist
The lady lays down a photograph of a man and a woman having sex. The man is her husband and the woman is the chemist's wife. He takes the photograph and slowly nods.
“I’m so sorry”, the chemist said with regret in his voice, "I didn't realize you had a prescription.”

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So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a “very big” sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

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A priest in a small rural town was very fond of his 10 chickens and 1 handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time, the priest heard rumours of cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something at his next service.
During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who, among you, will confess to sporting a handsome cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who, among you, will confess to having seen a handsome cock?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh, no," he said. "That's not what I mean either. Who, among you, will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question – has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choirboys stood up.



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/05/08 7:42 AM

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny Beamer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and, soon, he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his willie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of this story? - When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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An American tourist in London found himself needing to pee something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public conveniences anywhere, so he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"’Ello, ‘ello ’ello, what you think you’re doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, “but I’ve really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him round a couple of corners to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here you go," said the policeman, "pee away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this what they call British courtesy?"
"No," replied the policeman. "This is what they call the French Embassy."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The poor West Country vicar was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a £250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he demanded.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Cor, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the vicar persisted, "You know how to deal with him - just say to him, "Get behind me, Satan!’"
"I did," replied his wife. "He said 'You look great from here too.'"

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Ken Livingstone walks into a pub with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. The barman looks at the creature and asks Ken what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies Ken.
"Why's that?" asks the barman.
"Because he's my newt."

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A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 6 stones in weight, otherwise he would be running into some very serious health problems. As he wondered how he would ever do it, he came across an advert in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah, I’ll bet!" he thought to himself. But he was desperate, so he called them up and subscribed to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answered it, there stood before him was a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in absolutely nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduced herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he took off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and had his wicked way with her. After they are through and she left, he thought to himself, "I like the way this company does business!"
The same girl showed up for the next two days and the same thing happened. On the fourth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to find he had lost 10 lb. as the company had promised.
He called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch me, you can have me." He dived out of the door after her like a shot. This girl was in excellent shape and it took him a while to catch her, but when he did, it was worth every cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happened. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighed himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. again, as the company promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone. "This is a most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opened it, he found a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

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A bloke died and went to heaven. Just as he was allowed through the Pearly Gates, he noticed that almost everywhere he looked, there were clocks. Clocks hanging on walls, clocks bolted to the side of celestial cars and, in some cases, clocks hanging on chains around the necks of angels.
“Excuse me,” the bloke asked St. Peter, “what are all these clocks?”
“Well,” said St. Peter, “they’re all Lie Clocks. For every man, woman and child, past and present, there is a clock that moves on by 1 second for every fib and lie that person tells.”
The bloke was impressed. He saw one clock that was at 12 midnight. “Who’s clock is that?” he asked.
“That’s Joan of Arc’s clock,” said St. Peter. “She never told a lie in her entire life, so the clock remained at its start time.”
The bloke saw another clock, showing 2 seconds past midnight. “Who’s clock is that?”
“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock,” replied St. Peter. “He only told 2 lies in his entire life.”
“So,” asked the bloke, with a little malice in his voice, “where’s Tony Blair’s clock?”
“Oh,” said St. Peter, “I’ve got that one in my office – it doubles up as a ceiling fan!”

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This angler walks into a fish shop with a 20-pound salmon under his arm. "Do you make fish cakes?" he asks.
"Yes" came the reply.
"Well" he says pointing to the salmon, "can you make one for him, cos it's his birthday on Tuesday?"


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/05/08 1:36 PM

Sorry I'm late today, but the A&E defibs don't test themselves!!

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. Nearly all of his crops had been lost, but, fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing a generous quantity of her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, worms ruined my tomato crop, weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches.”

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother on the telephone.
"Well," said her mother, “how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME, GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook....”

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A father and his son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

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An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Golf Club. He went to the club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with, as they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant professional said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet.
The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
He did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for his par. The old man, too, had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!
The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was standing. "Nice shot,” he said. “I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps? "
"I do,” replied the octogenarian, “Would you please give me a hand."

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It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for £200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for £200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for £200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them and I’ve barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"


This'll be the last for a week, cos I'm on holiday - 3 nights in Paris, then 3 nights in London.

See Ya!

Naitch
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/06/08 8:25 AM

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He doesn't have to run - he got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, Leon, gave me £15,000. And you, Carter, gave me £10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Leon. "Now, I'm returning £5,000 to you. That means we can decide this case solely on its merits!"

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In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study.
The day passed, it was getting late in the evening and the monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he thought he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" he called.
The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, f#cking hell," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate', not ‘celibate’!"

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A drunk is sitting on the pavement outside a pub. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's OK. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"
The stranger says "No. Who are you?"
The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" whereupon, they enter the bar. The barman looks up and yells,
"Jesus Christ! You again?"

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This bloke went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the bloke senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "F#ck you". This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a banana. Putting the banana in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the ape family were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, the bloke picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the banana out of his pants, and chopped it up.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eylid...

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George W. Bush, distraught and contemplating starting a new war, was walking through Washington, looking for any kind of guidance. He walks to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "President Washington, you were always wise, what should I do?"
Low and behold, a voice came down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START AGAIN FROM SCRATCH!"
Bush, amazed that he is talking to a past President, thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to one of its great early philosophers and the author of the Declaration of Independence. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally the people behind me?"
Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING. ABOLISH IT AND START AGAIN!"
After hearing this, Bush is so excited that he decides to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help. People are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?"
After a substantial pause Abraham Lincoln responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF AND GO TO THE THEATRE."

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A fairly attractive waitress serves a man in a cafe.
"Yes, sir, what can I get you?"
"Well," said the man, "I'd like a quickie", at which point, the waitress turned bright red and hurried back to the kitchen. Shortly after, she returned with the cafe owner, who tapped the man on the shoulder.
"I understand you offended this waitress!" said the owner.
"No, I didn't,” said the customer, “I just asked her for this," and pointed to the menu.
The owner looked over the customer’s shoulder, then rather sheepishly looked at the man and the waitress and said, "That's Quiche. It's pronounced keesh, not quickie!"



Posted By: Hulk

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/06/08 11:00 AM

Apparently they're going to start playing porn at fuel pumps....

This is so you can watch someone else being f****d at the same time as you
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/06/08 9:14 AM

Halfway through a lesson, Margaret put her hand up. “Please Miss, may I ask you something?”
“Of course, Margaret, what is it?” replied the teacher. Margaret left her seat and walked up to the teacher. She and the teacher exchanged a few whispered words, unheard by the rest of the class. Margaret then returned to her seat, picked up her school bag and left the room. She wasn’t seen for the rest of the day.
The next day, Margaret returned to school. The first person to see her was Johnny.
“Hello, Margaret,” said Johnny, “what happened to you yesterday?”
“Oh, I don’t think I can tell you. It’s a bit...well, you know...embarrassing.”
“Go on, you can tell me,” insisted Johnny.
“Well... OK then. I started bleeding between my legs for no reason,” said Margaret, looking at her feet.
“You’re joking!” said Johnny. “Let’s have a look!”
“OK then,” said Margaret, who lifted up her skirt and dropped her knickers. Johnny squatted down and had a good look.
“I’m not surprised you were bleeding - someone’s cut your thing off!”

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2 jokes in 1!

A Mother and her daughter were talking about getting a husband for the daughter. The mother suggested taking a prospective husband to bed to have sex, then asking, “what do we call the baby?” That night, the daughter did just that. She went to a pub in town, ‘allowed’ herself to be chatted up, and took the man home, where they made love. While she enjoyed a post-coital cigarette, she said to the man, “What shall we call the baby?”
“Well, if it gets through that,” he says, lobbing the used condom out the window, “We’ll call it Houdini.”
The condom, meanwhile, landed on the head of a passing bloke, who, enraged at this, banged furiously on the front door. The mother answered the door.
“Who’s in that room up there?” the bloke said, pointing at the window from where the condom had been launched.
“That’s my daughter’s bedroom, and she’s there with her intended husband, not that it’s any of your business. Why do you ask?”
“Because,” said the bloke, holding up the condom, “your intended grand-child has just had a very bad fall!”

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A traveling ventriloquist was making a working tour of various clubs of the West Country. In one particular village, ticket sales were not very good, so he wandered through the village centre performing his act. The locals delighted to hearing telegraph poles tell poor jokes, a passing dog made a rude comment to the village bobby and a blackbird shocked one elderly lady by yelling, “The vicar is gay!” One resident of the village, a farm worker, was perturbed by this and had words with the ventriloquist.
“’Ere, oi understand that you can make them there animals talk?”
The ventriloquist modestly admitted that this was the case.
“Well,” said the farm worker, “if one of the sheep in Morgan’s farm says anything about me, it’s all a dirty lie!”

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Whilst on late night patrol, a policeman was walking down the High Street when he heard a moaning noise coming from a shop door-way. He pulled out his torch and shone it in the direction of the sounds. He saw a young couple in what is commonly referred to as a ‘compromising position’.
“’Ello, ‘ello’ ello. What’s going on ‘ere, then?”
The female part of this union replied, “Jesus Christ! You are one bloody stupid copper! What does it sodding look like?”
The policeman turned to the man and said, “I’m arresting you for having an offensive person on your weapon!”

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Billy Bob and Bubba Joe were having a drink in the Ole Ranch Bar and discussing this and that.
“I got maself a new pick-up truck for nuthin’,” announced Billy Bob.
“Where’d you get it?” asked Bubba Joe.
“Off of Sue Ellen”, replied Billy Bob.
“How’d you manage that, then?” queried Bubba Joe.
“Well,” answered Billy Bob, “it wuz easy. I was drinking here last night with Sue Ellen and she offered to drive me home. On the way there, she turned into Canyon Lane and pulled up into the woods. She then got out of the truck, took all her clothes off, lay on the ground with her legs wide open and said, ‘Take anything you want!’ So I took her pick-up truck.”
“Good thinking,” said Bubba Joe, “her clothes wouldn’t fit you.”

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A female university student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair and gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "and I mean...ANYTHING" she whispers.
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Yes,” she replied, somewhat huskily, “Anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"

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Two guys were driving home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouted, "What are those two dogs doing? Fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before."
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty good. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thought about it for a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car. The passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?"
The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/06/08 7:58 AM

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so, a few minutes later, the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was scared stiff. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was it you that said ‘Jesus is watching me’?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
“Thank God”, said the burglar with a sigh of relief. He asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a bloody strange name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot gave you the name Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way, as he had over 30 years in the company. Between his pension and the settlement, he was rather well off.
One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help it, but see you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy was. He asked her the same question; "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a rather young man who was fresh out of college with an MBA. He was smart, handsome and he seemed to have a better business acumen than the first two put together.
Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To Steve’s great surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Steve was shocked and pleased at the same time, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How the hell did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that, because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. WHOOSH! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. WHOOSH! Immediately he turned ninety.

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Farmer Giles is suing a transport company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Giles in court.
“Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the accident scene?” Mr. Green asks.
“I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie... “ started Farmer Giles.
“I'm not asking for details,” Mr. Green says. “Just answer the question.”
“I am,” Farmer Giles says. “I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie into my trailer when...”
“Didn't you tell the policeman that you were fine?” Mr. Green interrupts.
The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Giles tell his story the way he wants to.
“So, anyway,” says Farmer Giles, “I loaded Bessie into my trailer and started driving down the main road when a huge articulated lorry ignored a stop sign and smashed into the right side of my van. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move. “ Farmer Joe continued, 'Then a policeman came by and I heard him talking about Bessie. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessie stopped moaning,”
“What does this story have to do with anything?” Mr. Green asks.
“The policeman walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you?’''

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Four old men were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked that, for Christmas this year, he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and, without any argument from his wife, go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.
His friends all chipped in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first bloke says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a huge diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 bloke says, "I spent a bundle too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 bloke says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last bloke in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I smacked my wife on the #rse and said, 'Well babe, do we have sex or do I play golf?' and she said, "Go take your clubs!"



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/06/08 7:36 AM

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, madam. They're dead."

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A fresh intake arrived at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter handed them over to God. God addressed them. “Men”, he said, “what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. You,” he said, pointing to one of the newcomers, “what’s your story?”
“Please God,” wailed the first man, “I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.”
“I am ashamed of you,” said God. “For that, I give you a run-down Ford Cortina that barely moves.” He turned to the second man.
“Dear God,” said the second man, “please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took a wrong turn. Please forgive me!
“Yes, my man,” said God, “I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder. I will give you a convertible BMW.” He gestured to the third man.
“Dear God,” said the third man, “you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every day after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...”
“Okay, okay, okay, I get the picture. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!”
Two weeks later, the first two men are driving along the celestial motorway when they see the third man ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Rolls Royce, in obvious distress.
One of the men approached and asked “Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful b#gger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
The third man sobbed, "I just saw my wife on roller-skates!"

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Two guys from Manchester die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"
They reply, "'Well, we're from Manchester, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out".
The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Manchester and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little."
This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Mancunians in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two lads reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Manchester. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."
The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two blokes back in their anoraks and hoodies - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!
The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Mancunians look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Manchester City have won the Premiership!"

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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A pretty young nurse arrived, to wash his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"
He struggled again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulled back the covers, raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his
testicles in her other hand and took a close look, and said, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and said, "That was very nice but, are...my...test... results... back?”

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A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You’re 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the queue in McDonald's.”

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A mummy mole, a daddy mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, "Yummy! I smell maple syrup!"
The mummy mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, "Yummy! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't, because the bigger moles were in the way, so he said, "Jesus, all I can smell is molasses!”

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Nokia have just brought out a new mobile called the 'Joey Barton'.
It's big, ugly, has very little memory and it takes three months to charge the f#cking thing.




Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 06/06/08 10:10 AM

A man is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. He said to his wife, "I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment",
The wife replied, "OK, your eyesight is perfect!"

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One Saturday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, makes a packed lunch, puts on his waders, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the car and head on to his favourite fishing area. Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain. It's freezing, there’s snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is blowing with 50-mph gusts. He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds that the weather is going to be bad all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of anticipation, and whispers, "the weather out there is terrible!"
To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe that idiot of a husband of mine is out fishing in that?!"

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The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention.
"Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are ninety pence a dozen, how old am I?”
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation.
“That’s absolutely right”, said the astonished teacher replied. "How did you work that out?"
“Easy," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-stupid!"

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A pair of Irish navvies were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute (brothel) when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking inside.
"Jaysus,” said Pat, “Would ya look at dat, Mick! What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their digging.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spotted him.
"Did ya see that, Pat?" Mick said in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging in sins of the flesh like that. ‘Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Mick, look", said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls must’ve died!"

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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act, so whilst enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband went to the kitchen and picked up the bread-knife. He and the cabby then tiptoed up to the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put the knife to the naked man's throat.
The wife yelled, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Porsche I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly subscription!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly withdrew the knife. He looked over at the cab driver and, with exasperation, said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his #rse with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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A drunk walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for £57. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money" whereupon the barman smacks the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The next night, the same drunk walks into the pub and once again says, "Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The barman looks at the bloke and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for £67. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money."
The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats seven shades of [censored] out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The very next night, the same drunk walks back into the same pub and says, "Barman, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill”.
In disgust, the barman says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No danger! You get too violent when you've had a drink."

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Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgical procedures they had performed.
The first one said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I re-attached them and 8 months later he preformed a private concert for the Queen of England. "
The second one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I re-attached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in an athletics event at the Sydney Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's #rse and a cowboy hat. Today, that cowboy is now the president of the United States."



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 09/06/08 8:43 AM

MI5 had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing, there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances are. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for the job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You b#stards didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

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I recently bought myself the latest in voice controlled car stereo radios. You say "soul" to it, and it plays a Marvin Gaye song. You say "rock", and it plays a Deep Purple standard. You say "church", it plays something by The Edwin Hawkins Singers.
Yesterday, some children ran in front of my car without looking, and I shouted "F#cking Kids!" The radio played “Bad” by Michael Jackson.

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Murphy owned a factory that made nails, He decided to give his business a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an advert for TV. Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new advert would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during NYPD Blue.
Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the advert. When it came on, there was an air of expectancy as the camera zoomed in on a grassy field with lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of the hill, At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of what appeared to be a wooden post. It slowly moved up the post to reveal Jesus on the cross, It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through. A voice then said "Always use Murphy’s nails".
Murphy and all his friends were appalled.
Next day, all the newspapers and media chat shows where discussing the tasteless and irrelevant advert for Murphy’s nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped. Furious, Murphy rang the advertising company and demanded that they change the advert.
Three weeks later, they rang to say there would be a new advert the following night. Murphy got all his friends round again, The advert came on as before as the camera focused on the grass, with exactly the same background music. "Oh sh#t, now I’m well and truly f#cked!" says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to the cross, but this time there was no one on it, The camera looked off into the distance and there was Jesus legging it across the fields!
A voice rang out "They should have used Murphy’s nails!"

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The teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Mary says: "My Daddy’s a solicitor. He puts the bad people into prison."
Jack says: "My Dad’s a doctor. He makes poorly people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your daddy do?"
"My Dad’s dead," said Johnny.
"I'm sorry to hear that,” said the teacher, “but what did he do before he died?"
“Well,” said Johnny”, "he turned blue and cr#pped on the living room carpet."

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed some money down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman threw it down her throat. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Pierre the Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It was a beautiful day and love was definitely in the air. Marie leant over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabbed a bottle of Merlot and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" said the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiled and they started to kiss. When things heated up a little, Marie said, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tore her blouse open, grabbed a bottle of Chardonnay and poured it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asked the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steamed up. Marie leant close to his ear and whispered, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero ripped off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and poured it in her lap. He struck a match and set it on fire. Marie shrieked and dived into the river to put the fire out. Standing waist deep, she threw her arms upwards and screamed furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stood up, defiantly, and said, "I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"



Posted By: Neoteny

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 09/06/08 2:37 PM

Did you hear about the guy with no arms that entered the masturbating contest?



He came nowhere
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/06/08 9:07 AM

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he goes round the back for a look, but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Chinese bloke answers. "Harro", says the Chinese chap.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet," replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dustbin?"
"I dust bin on toilet, I told you,” says the Chinese man.
"Mate," says the dustman, "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK”, says the Chinese man, "I wheely bin having a w#nk!"

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well,” she replied, “you don't give me enough housekeeping money to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's £50 - go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers - why not?”
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20 - go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Good Grrrrrrief, woman! Why are ye no wearing knickers?"
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough housekeepin' money te be able te afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb - tidy yurrrself up a bit."

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Four girls are at a hen-night, where a male exotic dancer, with the skimpiest thong imaginable, is performing. The first girl dips into her purse, pulls out a £10 note, licks one end of it and sticks it to the dancer’s left bum-cheek. The dancer then performs specially for her.
The second girl, not to be out-done, digs around in her purse, fishes out a £20 note, licks one end of it and sticks it on the dancer’s right bum-cheek. The dancer then transfers his attentions to her, with slightly more suggestive movements.
The third girl is a bit peeved about this and looks in her purse. All she’s got is a £50 note. “Oh, sod the housekeeping”, she says. She licks one end of it (momentarily giving the other three girls ideas where she’s going to stick it) and puts it over the £10 note. The dancer moves in front of her, putting a lot more raunch into his act.
The fourth girl looks in her purse. All she’s got is a lot of loose change and a load of credit cards, so she pulls out her Visa Card, swipes it in his bum crack and takes the £80!

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, “that must have been quite upsetting. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . . . "



Wait for it.......



It's coming.......



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



She says:



.................You just happened to catch my eye. "

(Oh, shut your face! Look, I just forward them, I don't bloody write them! )
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/06/08 9:10 AM

And as I couldn't get onto the site at all yesterday, another load....


A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular, young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian.'

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Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

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Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "Don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
You women have teeth between your legs". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
He tells her, "It's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."

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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....and it scared the living daylights out of me. So that's it … no more reading!

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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

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An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and scr#w your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

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The CO's Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure’. The Executive Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lieutenant, responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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A man got home from work and yelled to his wife, "Get me a beer, quick, before it starts."
He drunk it straight down and then said "Quick, get me another before it starts."
Again she got it, he drunk it down in one and said, "And another, before it starts.”
She said, "Listen, you fat, lazy b#stard, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders at me!"
He said "Oh God, it's started!”


Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/06/08 11:16 AM

It gives me great pleasure to tell you that you've already posted all of these jokes before (par the last one).

Lee
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/06/08 1:31 PM

I don't usually bother with the "Jokes Section" myself, but having just received this from one of my nieces (I've a feeling she was trying to tell me something), I though I may as well share it with y'all (no doubt many of you will have seen or heard it before):-

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire"!

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens? Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner"? The young rooster says, "Beat it: you are washed up and now I'm taking over".

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop".

The young rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance, old fella. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".

So the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit ... that's the third gay rooster I bought this month"!

The moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS, as age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance! smile
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/06/08 8:15 AM

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'
The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.

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An Oldie, but a Goodie!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

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Jimmy MacDonald went along to his Catholic church one Sunday afternoon and placed himself in the Confessional box. The priest, already sitting in his half, opened the shutter.
“What is it, my son?”
“Forgive me, father”, started Jimmy, “for I have sinned. I went with a loose woman last night.”
“Is that young Jimmy MacDonald?“ asked the priest.
“Yes, father, it is”.
“Who was the girl you were with, Jimmy?”
“I shouldn’t tell you, father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
”In order to absolve you, you will have to confess the full details of your transgression. What was the girl’s name? Was it Agnes Wallace?” asked the father.
“I don’t think I should tell you, father.”
“I’ll find out, sooner or later, so you might as well tell me now. Was it Jean Menzies?”
“I won’t tell you, father.”
“Was it Kirstie Robertson?”
“My lips are sealed, father”
“Was it Moira Kennedy?”
“I cannot say, father.”
“Was it Gail Scott?”
“You’re wasting your time, father, I don’t want to say.”
“Very well, Jimmy. I do admire you protecting the girl, but nonetheless, you have sinned and you must atone for this. You can no longer be an altar boy until after Christmas. Now, go home and behave yourself.”
“Thank you, father” and Jimmy got up and returned to the pew. His pal, Archie Soutar, slid over and whispered “Well, how did you get on?”
“Brilliant”, answered Jimmy, “four months holiday and five good leads!”

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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
“What happened to her?”
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.” He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 13/06/08 10:45 AM


A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SUNDAY SCHOOL:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
"No," replied Johnny, "how could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey", he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come he doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL:
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable, but what does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER:
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And he just then did!"

TIME TO PRAY:
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir", the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

BEWARE OF TRASH:
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls? "Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'"

SAY A PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer". "I don't have to”, the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating at our house."
“That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."


Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/06/08 11:15 AM


Two women had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to "communicate with Nature", so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they staggered off to their respective homes.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That's nothing”, said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her #rse that said, “From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blond goes into the Chemist's and asks for a rectal deodorant.
"There's no such thing," answered the Chemist.
"Yes there is," said the blond.
"I can assure you there isn't such a thing as a rectal deodorant," said the Chemist.
"Yes there is," said the blond, "I'll prove it!" and she walked out of the shop.
10 minutes later she returned and handed the Chemist a standard stick deodorant.
"Look at that," she insisted, pointing to the instructions.
The Chemist read the instructions which stated:



(Wait for it!)




"To use, push up bottom".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A husband and his wife are shopping when the man picks up a pack of Stella Artois and puts it in his trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says.
"Put them back, we can’t afford them”, said the wife and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you’re doing?" asks the man.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella, AND it’s only half the price!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman says to her husband, "I want a boob job. I’ve always wanted bigger boobs".
The husband says, "Get some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs – that’ll do the trick".
"That won’t work" says the woman.
"Why not? It's worked on your #rse" says the man.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football ground. Every time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with my garden shears, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say, “£20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em cough up!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that, I'm afraid, is it. I've no more jokes. Well, actually, I have, but they are positively obscene, and are only fit for circulation via normal e-mail. I hope you've enjoyed what I've put up, and look forward to seeing some of them repeated here, in the future!!!

Naitch
Posted By: John Sandham

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/06/08 8:58 PM

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. eek
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." crazy
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. grin
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. confused
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. boggle
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. cry
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. frown
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. ninja
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/06/08 8:12 AM

This joke would be better spoken by a person with an Irish accent however here goes.

Paddy goes for an interview, the chairperson of the interview panel says "okay Paddy you've done very well in your interview so far and your CV is great the last part of this process is an initive test, using a pen and paper but without writing down any numbers or letters we would like you to demonstrate the number 9"

Paddy thinks about this and draws three trees.

The chairperson says "how does this represent 9 ?"

Paddy says "that easy three t'rees makes 9"

The chairperson a bit put out thinks i'll get him and says "okay how about 99"

Paddy licks his thumb and smears the three trees.

The chairperson says "how does this represent 99 ?"

Paddy says "that easy d'irty t'ree times three makes 99"

The chairperson even more put out thinks i'll get him and says "okay how about 100"

Paddy thinks about this and draws three small shapes under the trees.

The chairperson says "how does this represent 100 ?"

Paddy says "d'irty t'ree and a t'urd times three makes 100"

Lee
Posted By: Mark Radbourne

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/06/08 8:19 AM

"Doctor, I seem to be having problems with my hearing."

"Ok", says the Doctor "What are the symptons"

"They're those yellow people on TV"

Mark
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/07/08 9:39 AM

BRAVE MAN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next,
fatty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.'


-------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London I heard prostitutes there get
paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of
coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on
the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped
off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a
small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and
picked up the box.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Lee
Posted By: Darth Welder

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/07/08 1:19 PM

A really fat and ugly woman with two children walks into ASDA and is welcomed to the store by the ASDA greeter "Good morning madam are your children twins?" asks the greeter.

The woman is rather irrate by this "Of course there not twins one of them is six and the other is eight"

The greeter replies "I just thought i would ask"

"Why would you ask?" replies the woman very angrily.

"I cant believe someone would have sex with you twice" replies the greeter.
Posted By: JackFlash

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/08/08 6:56 AM

The doctor is talking to the elderly patient: "There is a water in your knee, a sand in your urine and stones in your kidneys." - "Come on, doc, tell me there is a cement in my sack and I can start building!"
Posted By: Neoteny

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 01/10/08 3:15 PM

Friends

I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend of mine has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.

Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more 'famous' sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.

The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.

Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.

Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have been put to good use

Attached picture poster.JPG
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/10/08 7:04 AM

Neoteny
I think to add more weight to your campaign, you should put under the General Section with it's own heading rather than in Jokes 2!!!
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/10/08 7:58 AM

I kinda like number 10 ... grin


Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least,
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff!
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/10/08 8:08 AM


Ain't that the truth! (I especially like No.4, myself).

You should always take a good look at your potential mother in law before getting too "attached". Cuz that's what you'll be getting yourself in not so many years. So, if the old gal looks like a dog, maybe things will turn out OK after all! smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 08/10/08 10:04 AM

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,



' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.


Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/10/08 3:23 PM

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional , press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press...

If you are manic-depressive , hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal , put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is
National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)


Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/10/08 3:27 PM


Surely you meant The Shire Mental Hospital? smile

PS: define "unstable"!
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/10/08 3:27 PM

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

'Just to establish some parameters,' said the professor to the student from Oxford University, 'What is the opposite of joy?'

'Sadness' said the student.

'And the opposite of depression?' he asked the young lady from Cambridge.

'Elation,' she said..

'And you, sir,' he said to the student from Dublin University, 'How about the opposite of woe?'

The student replied, 'I believe that would be giddy up'.

Lee

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/10/08 1:08 PM

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

ATTORNEY - Are you sexually active?
WITNESS - No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS - A Gucci sweater and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS - Yes.
ATTORNEY - And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS - I forget.
ATTORNEY - You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS - He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY - And why did that upset you?
WITNESS - My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS - We both do.
ATTORNEY - Voodoo?
WITNESS - We do.
ATTORNEY - You do?
WITNESS - Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS - Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS - Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS - Are you sh#ttin' me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS - Yes.
ATTORNEY - And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS - Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - She had three children, right?
WITNESS - Yes.
ATTORNEY - How many were boys?
WITNESS - None.
ATTORNEY - Were there any girls?
WITNESS - Are you sh#ttin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS - By death.
ATTORNEY - And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS - Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS - He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY - Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS - Guess.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS - No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS - All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS - Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS - The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY - And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS - No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS - Huh...are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY - Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS - No.
ATTORNEY - How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS - Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY - I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS - Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
____________________________________

Thanks to an Endoscopy UK Service Engineer for these beauties. To add my own contribution...

Q - How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A - His lips move!

Q - What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff?
A - A good start!

A lawyer was walking down the street when, unknown to him, he trod into a pile of doggie-doo. A few paces further on, he noticed it, and collapsed on the pavement screaming "I'M MELTING!"

The Naitch
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 23/10/08 1:13 PM


Any luck with your Mellotron yet? Maybe you'd be better off getting into vintage micro's. smile
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/10/08 9:26 AM

No, nothing doing. There's a Mark V Mellotron on eBay at the moment, but...
A) it's in the US, so transport costs will be horrendous,
B) the bloke is looking for >$9000, coupled with...
C) a Pound that's dropping like a brick against the yankee Dollar.

So, basically, not a chance. I'll probably go for a software package (M-Tron, Pro-Tron or Sampletron)
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/10/08 9:47 AM

One day you'll strike lucky, and one will turn up, previously long forgotten in someone's attic (or, loft, if you prefer) ... just down the road. I have recently picked up a load of "vintage" test equipment that came up like that following the recall of a good old boy to "that great workshop in the sky"!

The "secret" there, is (of course) not having too many people know about it ... and once stuff is posted on eBay, well ... the whole world is in the know! Then your only hopes are a) That's it's an auction of short duration, and b) That the thing has been incorrectly catalogued (as sometimes happens, when the seller doesn't know what the item actually is) ... but then, how would you come across it?

But, we live in hope, do we not? smile

PS: I notice that the M-Tron stuff attracts a fair amount of interest (bidders), too.
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/10/08 10:13 AM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Irish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.

Lee
Posted By: Martyn Evans

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/10/08 4:40 PM

A cat goes to Heaven and is met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says to the cat. As you were such a gentle and caring cat whilst you were alive you can have whatever you like up here. The cat replies that it would like a satin cushion to sleep on. This said St Peter would be done and the cat was allowed to pass through the gates
Next some mice stood at the gate and were met by St Peter. St Peter said to the mice. As you were such good mice when you were alive and did not steal any food or damage any property you can have anything that you want in heaven. After they had spoken with each other they said to St Peter that they would like roller skates just like they had seen children wearing. This said St Peter would be done and the mice were allowed to pass through.
The next day St Peter went round to see the cat and asked how things were, the cat replied that it was very comfortable and how kind he had been in sending around the meals on wheels the previous evening.
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/10/08 2:15 PM

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/11/08 7:56 AM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/11/08 12:22 PM

Subject: TURKEY RECIPE ~ Just in time!



Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in
baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.

Lee
Posted By: Darth Welder

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/11/08 3:29 PM

Two Blondes Shopping

Two blondes walk into a department store, They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "VIENS A MOI”, what does that mean?

At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'"

Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"

DW - I thought this was funny!
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/12/08 8:29 AM

Irish jokes

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!



Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'



Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

Lee
Posted By: abi

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/12/08 9:43 AM

A man working in an office has been refused annual leave but wants the day off to take his son to football. He goes into work to convince his boss that he is mad and needs to be sent home.
His boss arrives and finds the man hanging upside down from the cieling claiming to be a lightbulb. "What on earth are you doing"? says the boss..."I'm a lightbulb" replies the man.
"You best go home, you are clearly insane and need some time off to get better".
Blond administrator asks why the man is going home. Boss replies that he thinks he is the lightbulb and must go home ill. The blond turns to leave the office. Boss asks "where do you think you're going". Blond replies "Can't work with no lights"!!! smile
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/12/08 12:51 PM


Three nuns were attending a cubs baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns in the hope that they would become annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy started:- "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only one hundred nuns living there".

Then the second guy piped up with:- "I want to go to Montana. There are only fifty nuns living there".

The third guy said:- "I want to go to Idaho. There are only twenty-five nuns living there".

At last one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very calm, sweet, voice said:- "Why don't you go to Hell? There aren't any nuns there"! smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 09/12/08 8:51 AM

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

'Had him circumcised...'


Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/12/08 2:46 PM

Council complaints - These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.
6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Our toilet seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broke and we can't get RTE1

Lee
Posted By: abi

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/12/08 9:00 AM

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

The blonde quickly responded, 'How about £50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes .'

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.'

I'm impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her.



'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's an Audi.'

smile
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/12/08 8:44 AM

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


Click to reveal..
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!



Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/12/08 12:03 PM

An end of year message

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a special big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat [censored] in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft is sending me for participating in their special email programs.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the £50.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will [censored] on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber.

By the way.....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/12/08 12:25 PM

OK, it's been a while, but I've 'researched' some more jokes. I'll give 'em to you in several big doses!


A man runs in the pub sweating profusely. He says to the landlord, "Quick, give me a pint of lager! I’ve a raving nymphomaniac in the back of my car and I need a drink".
"Just take it easy", says the landlord, "I'll sort her out".
So off he goes outside, gets in the back of this car and carries on where the bloke left off.
Just then a policeman shines a torch on them and says, "What’s going on here, then". The landlord says, "It’s OK, officer, I’m just giving my wife one".
"I'm sorry sir, I didn’t realise it was your wife", says the officer.
"Neither did I until you shone that torch" says the landlord.

................................................................

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol has the generic name of Paracetamol. Similarly, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.

The DoH has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

As a sort-of follow on - there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections but absolutely no idea what to do with them!

.................................................................

God appears to a man and tells him that if he wants to go to heaven, he must give up smoking, drinking and sex. The man says he will try.
A week passes by and God returns to see how he has gone on. "Not bad!" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but the other day my wife was bending over the freezer and I couldn’t help myself. I had to have her!"
"They won’t like that in heaven" says God.
"They weren’t very happy about it in Tesco, either" says the man.

.................................................................

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work beer when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.” Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
”Paint my house.”

.................................................................

I’ve just been on holiday to Blackpool, and while I was there, I saw a man with a dog. The dog wouldn’t stop barking so the man hit it with a stick and killed it.
His wife had a right go at him and he hit her with the stick and killed her as well.
Someone called the police and when the policeman tried to arrest him, he killed him by hitting him with the stick.
To top it all, the crocodile ran away with the sausages.

.................................................................

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I’m a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?”
The biker said, “Holy cow, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.”

.................................................................

A Blonde was walking along a river bank when she spotted another Blonde on the other bank. She called across to her, "How do I get to the other side?"
The other Blonde gazed up and down the river then replied, "You ARE on the other side"

.................................................................

A lorry driver hit the back of a car at a set of traffic lights.
The car driver, who turned out to be a dwarf got out and said "I'm not happy".
The lorry driver said, "Well, which f#cking one are you then?".

.................................................................

Due to the credit crunch, I’ve decided to shop for my food at a cheaper supermarket.
I went to Lidl recently and bought some Korean meatballs.
I’m telling you, they are the dogs b#ll#cks!



Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/12/08 12:30 PM

...and to finish off.....

A drunk man, who smelled of booze, sat down on an underground train next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of whisky was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest, looking at the man’s obvious state, replied, “My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow men, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I'll be damned!” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don't have it, Father, but I’ve just read here that the Pope does!”

.................................................................

A Brunette goes to the doctor.
"Doctor", she says, "I'm really worried because I hurt all over".
"Show me", says the Doctor.
"Well", says the woman, "If I touch my nose it hurts, if I touch my knee like this it hurts, and if I touch my breasts it hurts - everywhere hurts!"
"Ah", says the Doctor, "you're actually a Blonde aren't you?"
"Well, yes", says the woman, "I'm a natural Blonde. How can you tell?"
"Because you've broken your finger", replied the Doctor.

.................................................................

A bear walks into a pub and says "I'll have a pint of lager and.............
.........
...........
..........
..........
.........
............
...........
...........
..........
..........
..........
...........
...........
...........
..........
............
........a packet of crisps, please".



The barman says "OK, but why the big pause?"


"Oh I dunno", says the Bear, "I suppose I was born with them"

.................................................................

Looking at life from Adam's side:

God was strolling through the Garden of Eden when he came across Adam sitting under a tree.
"How's it going?" asked God.
"Oh……so-so," said Adam.
"You sound a bit p#ssed off," said God. "Is there a problem?"
"Well, it's just that I'm bored," said Adam. "The weather's good, the scenery's great and you pop by every now and again for a game of chess, but other than that……..I could really do with some company.
"I may have just the thing," said God, "Fresh in. She's beautiful, will keep your house spotless, keep the kids quiet and out of your way, terrific in bed and cordon bleu in the kitchen."
"Sounds great," said Adam. "Can I have one?"
"Of course," said God, "but it'll cost you an arm and a leg though."
"Oh," said Adam, thinking hard, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history!!!!


Merry Christmas!

Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/12/08 7:34 PM


The story is told of the zookeeper who one day was passing the monkey house. He looked in and saw a monkey sitting on the branch of a tree with the Bible in one hand and Darwin's "On the Origin of Species" in the other.

"What are you doing?" asked the zookeeper.

The monkey replied, "I'm trying to discover whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!" smile

(not really a joke as such ... but thought-provoking, I hope)
Posted By: Chris Watts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/12/08 10:07 AM

Here's a abridged extract from a book I received of the same name as the punch line.

True story, a vicar was visiting a infant school and asked the children why it was a special time of year.

"It's Christmas" replied one boy

"and why is Christmas special" asked the Vicar

and all the children explained they get presents and preceded to list what presents they'd like.

Christmas is not just about presents the vicar explained it's the birth of a special baby.

At that point one boy informed him that he knew and said "It were called Wayne"

"Wayne? Certainly not!" cried the vicar

"It were!" cried the boy

"Jesus" snapped the Vicar

"Wayne" repeated the boy "I know, 'cos we all sing about it in assembly"

Click to reveal..
"A Wayne in a manger, no crib for a bed"


Very amusing book, certainly recommend it.

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/01/09 3:25 PM

An old joke doing the rounds again.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'


So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'


The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks . and they keep coming!


The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Lee
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/01/09 6:36 AM


There are these two cannibals, eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" smile
Posted By: Skippy

man on a desert Island - 21/01/09 1:08 PM

smilewink
Theres this guy who's shipwrecked on a dersert Island somewhere in the world,
One day he's laying around on the sand looking out to infintiy and see something in the water swimming towards the Island.
It emerges to be be a woman in a skin divers suit, she slowly walks up to him on the beach and say's to him in a 'French Accent'
Missur how long is it since you have had a drink?
He says to her, 'I havent had a drink of whisky since the day I was shipwrecked on this Island' , Thankyou yes I'll have some.
She un-zipps her left breast pocket and produces a bottle of whisky.
Then she says to him 'missur how long is it since you have had a cigarette?
He thinks to himself blimey this is too good to be true, 'he replies'I havent had one of those since the day I was shipwrecked here as well'
She un-zipps her right breast pocket and produces a packet of fags and a lighter.
While he's tucking into the fags and whisky, she then asks him another question,whilst un-doing the centre zip of her costume she say's
'Missur how long is it since you have played around?

He say's, 'Cor blimey girl, you gotta set of golf clubs down there as well!!!' boom boom laugh laugh laugh
Posted By: Lee S

Re: man on a desert Island - 28/01/09 8:31 AM

A couple of jokes for the ladies


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

_______________________________________________________________

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh [censored].' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

_______________________________________________________________

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my mates watching while your girlfriend whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.


Lee
Posted By: RoJo

Re: man on a desert Island - 03/02/09 5:29 PM

I got banned from B&Q today.
A bloke in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.

Robert
Posted By: Lee S

Re: man on a desert Island - 04/02/09 10:50 AM

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big [censored] he always was.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,
'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter,
I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you
for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you
to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.#



Lee

Posted By: Tony Dowman

Re: man on a desert Island - 10/03/09 4:15 PM

THE DYSLEXIC NURSE

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.... She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!!!!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy damn near exploded!!!!"
Suddenly they hear this blood curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my GOD," said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr.Smith's boil!!!!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/03/09 2:47 PM

On their 15th wedding anniversary, a man and his wife were retiring to bed for the night. The wife stood there, stark naked, and asked her husband, "when you first saw me naked like this, what were you thinking?"
Her husband replied, "I wanted to screw your brains out, and suck your boobs dry!"
"And now.....?" she asked.
After a short pause, the husband said "Yep, I think I succeeded!"
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/03/09 6:10 AM

Saw this at IPT.

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a so called actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. Read it all. Do not skip any sections. Do not skip ahead.

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Note: For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off around Halloween. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.


CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!!

Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Posted By: Martyn Evans

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 14/04/09 10:47 AM

Heard these over the Easter weekend.
Jesus is on the cross near to death when he calls over one of his diciples. The diciple says what is it Lord? What is it that you need? Jesus replies by saying 'I can see your house from up here'


As Jesus is being placed on the cross he shouts down to his diciples. Do'nt touch any of my chocolate eggs I'll be back in three days.
Posted By: Huw

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/04/09 7:01 PM

Doctors and Lawyers

Professional Rivalries...

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians.

"This fighting between our professions?

This hatred?

This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and pee-ing in cokes?"

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/04/09 8:46 PM


Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over.

'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time ,
'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?''
'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!''

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'



Lee
Posted By: Tony Dowman

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/04/09 7:55 PM

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because
he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies,
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and asks,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No........ I'm your son's teacher.'
Posted By: Tony Dowman

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/04/09 7:58 PM

A Trip to the Dentist.

The Dentist pulls out the freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!!!"

"It doesn't," said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 24/04/09 8:34 PM



A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States'.

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded.. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said.... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.'

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/04/09 12:07 AM

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won £500,000.
”You've done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, “but for a million pounds you've only got one
life-line left - phoning a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?”
”Sure,” said Mick, ”I'll have a go!”
”OK”, said Tarrant, “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d)Cuckoo?”
”I haven't got a clue,” said Mick, “so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.” So Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
”Bloody hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. ”Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.”
”Are you sure?”
”Yes, of course I'm bloody sure”, so Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.”
”Is that your final answer?” asked Chris
”Dat it is, Sir”.
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!”
The next night back in Dublin, Mick invited Paddy to the local pub to buy him a drink.
”Tell me, Paddy, how in God's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?”
”Because he lives in a bloody clock!”
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/04/09 12:08 AM

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
(You're gonna love this)
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water?....now that’s another issue."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/04/09 12:08 AM

ANNOUNCEMENT - Silicon Valley, CA

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/04/09 12:09 AM

At a local dance, a guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah but in Sveden we usually put more meat in it."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/04/09 10:25 PM

There was this bloke driving down the motorway in his sports car, when a three legged chicken went running past him, at 100 mph, so he put his foot to the floor and, at 110mph, the chicken ran past him again and into a barn, so he followed it. He asked the farmer, “Did you see a three legged chicken come in here?” “Sure did”, said the farmer”. Well how come they have three legs?” said the driver. “Well”, the farmer said, "the wife and I likes a leg and the boy likes a leg too, so I breed them” said the farmer. “Well what do they taste like?” asked the driver. “I don’t know” said the farmer “I’ve never caught one yet.“
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/04/09 10:30 PM

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, you lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brutes of engines, but I asked you to raise your trayzee-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/04/09 10:33 PM

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,"Those little b#st#rds..."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/04/09 10:34 PM

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/04/09 10:36 PM

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks, and that's why alcohol is so good for you!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/04/09 10:38 PM

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and half a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a two books - 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of this country and its Members of Parliament!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 30/04/09 10:47 PM

An Irishman, an Australian and a Scouser are all in a bar. Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the Scouser looks up and sees Jesus standing at the bar. So with that they all buy Jesus a drink. The Irishman buys him a Guinness, the Australian buys him a Foster’s, and the Scouser buys him a bitter.
After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands. He shakes the Irishman's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell, Jesus, that bad back I've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis I've had for 20 years has just disappeared!"
Jesus goes to shake the Scouser's hand, but he backs off, saying, "No way, I’m on disability benefit!"
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/05/09 6:56 PM

First day driving a cab

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/05/09 6:57 PM

Computer Women

1. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.

2. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

3. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only your basic needs.

4. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun.

5. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.

6. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

7. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

8. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.

9. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

10. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
Posted By: Geoff Hannis

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/05/09 11:35 PM


How come you forgot DOS Woman, Alan? ...

... you know, plain and simple, but still gets things done.

And BASIC Woman ...

... she gets you all excited at the beginning, but leaves you cold when you realise her limitations.

Or, even, V-B Woman ...

... she may look pretty on the face of it, but is ugly and bloated underneath.

(I could probably continue, but I guess that's enough) smile
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/05/09 5:35 PM

nice ones Geoff grin , good thing the wife doesn't browse here or I'll be in hot water because of #10. Anyway, the following can get me excommunicated ...



------------------------

The Father and the Frog

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn- looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you
might tell me your troubles."

The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a
curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."

"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"

"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted
and I'll be back to normal."

"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.

That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence..
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/05/09 10:37 PM

The Unlucky Driver


A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/05/09 7:23 AM

A man walks into a brothel slaps £500 on the counter and asks for a bacon sandwich and the ugliest woman they have.

The madam says "for that money you can have the prettiest women and a three course meal".

The man says "I'm not horny I'm homesick!"

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/05/09 7:25 AM

Plans to make the new series of CSI in Hereford have been scrapped after producers discovered that no one has any dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/05/09 7:28 PM

A man staggers home from the pub and takes his wife upstairs to the bedroom and strips her naked. He then asks her to do a hand stand in front of the full-length mirror, whereupon he parts her legs and places his chin on her private parts and looks in the mirror.
The wife asks "what kinky tricks have you got in mind?"
He replies, “The guys down the pub were right - I do suit a goatee beard!”
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/05/09 7:32 PM

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes. As she did this, she let out a big fart.
She looked up at her husband and said, "Scuse prease, front hole so happy, back hole whistle!"
Posted By: JackFlash

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/05/09 7:09 AM

God walks on Earth. He passes the Czech republic and says: If you, people, don't stop all these stealings, I will press the red button next year and you all will come the hell. After that, he passes the USA and says: If you, people, dont stop all the smoking, I will come next year, press the red button and all the US will come the hell. Then he visits China and says: If you, people here, don't stop making all these faulty gadgets, I will be back next year, press the red button and you all will come the hell.
...

Next year, God is passing the Czech republic, no robberies there, passing the USA, no smoking there. He is arriving China and see nothing better. He rages at Chinese and says: I've told you something last year! Now, you are going the hell! He presses the red button and nothing happens. Then he looks at his device closely and there is a small sign: MADE IN CHINA
Posted By: Jandre

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/05/09 5:17 PM

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken
Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse
Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig
Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

It gets worse........next year.....

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock

What could possibly go wrong?
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 16/05/09 5:04 PM

The Appearance Of Satan

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/05/09 8:25 PM


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the [censored] out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Posted By: Moira

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/05/09 4:09 PM

How about MAC woman? Good-looking, efficient, and not prone to tantrums!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/05/09 11:20 PM

A gynaecologist had become fed up with the cost of malpractice insurance, NHS paperwork and was feeling burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a car mechanic.
So, he went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an serious error had been made, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "Well, during the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 18/05/09 11:30 PM

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... THE MAGIC *****!!!"
The husband said, "The what?"
The man repeated, "The Magic *****", and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Magic *****, door!"
The ***** rose out of its box, shot across the shop to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations so powerful, a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, "Magic *****, return to box!" and the ***** stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic *****. She undressed, opened the box and said "Magic *****, my crotch."
The ***** shot to her crotch.
It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the nearest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked to see her license and insurance, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic ***** thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,"Yeah right, Magic ***** my #rse...!"

The rest, as they say, is history!
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/05/09 8:10 AM

Update on an old theme:



SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.





You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
One is mad and the other has had to be put in storage because of the health and safety risks of milking it.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Posted By: Kawasaki

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/05/09 8:18 AM

Guy goes into a bar and orders a pint of beer and a small scoop of beer, that he places on the floor.
He repeats this twice more at which point the barmen asks "What's with the small scoop of beer that you keep placing on the floor?"
The man replies "Oh, that's for my brother Tim. We've just returned from holiday in South Africa and we're celebrating our homecoming".
The barman looks over the bar and sees and guy about 6 inches tall drinking the scoop of beer.
The barman, not wanting to say the obvious, asks where did they visit in South Africa.
Tha man replies " We went to Cape Town, Johannesberg, Port Elizabeth and ..... where was that place Tim where you told the witch doctor to f**** off?"
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/05/09 5:16 PM

Male and Female Showering Habits ...


Shower like a woman...

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.


Shower like a man...

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way Hey!!"

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch [censored] and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash [censored] and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday's clothes.
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 19/05/09 5:25 PM

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

'Oh, my,' said the bunny,'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur , you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 20/05/09 12:28 PM

Who is Your Role Model???


Kind of interesting who it is... Follow the correct steps and then see
in the end who it is.

OH GOOD DAY:

Each of us is the result of the influence of many people. However some
individuals have played a significant role in our development, They are
often called "role models" that we consciously or unconsciously imitate.
Perhaps you know who that person is, or perhaps you don't.

The world renowned Sir Trevoir Rigelsworth, Ph.D, has given us a simple
way to determine our role model. It is easy and only takes a minute and it
may surprise you.

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???*

Be sure not to peek! You don't want to skew your answer.
Try this - it's really neat ..
Don't look at the answers:

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the
Calculator....)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....

5) Add the digits together


Now Scroll down ..............



















With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Mother Teresa
4. Randubius Raji
5. Bill Gates
6. Johann Von Stueckenberg
7. Brad Pitt
8. Babe Ruth
9. Geoff Hannis
10. Barack Obama

*I know...he just has that effect on people....one day you too can be like him..... Believe it! *





* P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! HE IS OUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT





* NOW CLICK "FORWARD", PUT YOUR NAME IN NO. 9 AND SEND IT ON


Sorry Geoff!

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 21/05/09 9:25 PM

Some jokes my wife thinks are funny


The Silent Treatment...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly , the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wak e him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '


He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.


Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.


The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a count ry road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussio n had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''


WOMEN'S REVENGE..

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'






UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider..


W O R D S..

A husband read an ar ticle to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION..

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!


WHO DOES WHAT...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'


God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..



Lee

Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 22/05/09 9:32 PM

If Tommy Cooper were alive today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'


Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/05/09 5:54 PM

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/05/09 5:55 PM

A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down.
An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
Posted By: Graham Roberts

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/05/09 9:24 AM

WORRYING RESEARCH

Scientists at Europes annual reproduction conference have suggested that the results of a recent analysis have revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. They have concluded that drinking beer may turn men into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down when urinating, couldn't perform sexually and refused to apologise when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/05/09 1:59 PM

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me an expensive diamond ring, along with a 28 inch diamond studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his mobile phone, called his personal accountant, gave him a string of instructions and said, "Yes, yes - I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of Surrey, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
Again, the ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after a quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch member."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/05/09 2:00 PM

The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, and said, 'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax."
"And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replies, 'The funeral director would be my guess'
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/05/09 10:36 PM

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.......so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1) Men never learn,
2) Blondes aren't as dumb as you think!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/05/09 10:39 PM

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks,'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on £800 a year'.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/05/09 10:41 PM

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new set of bathroom scales.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/05/09 10:46 PM

A blonde from Romford bought a deodorant stick today from Boots. She'd never used one before, so she diligently read the instructions -

"Remove top and slowly push up bottom".

She's in the Casualty Ward of Queen's Hospital at the moment, not feeling too good - but her f#rts smell lovely!!!
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/05/09 10:50 PM

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your bum!'
His wife was, understandably, not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underpants out of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a little dust-cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he yelled into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my undercrackers?'
She replied with a snicker 'It's not talcum powder, it's "Miracle Grow"!'
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/05/09 8:55 AM

Unbelievable. Only the mags could get away with this..Some eagle eyed geordie has noticed that their points total is wrong by a point which means they should actually go above Hull. For some obscure reason the draw they played against West Brom in November didn't go on their points tally. Check it out on the net. It's right. The mags appealed to the FA late last night. If their claim is upheld it will send Hull down instead.......




















Carlsberg don't do texts for delusional geordies but if they did...this would have probably been the best text in the world!

Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/05/09 5:59 PM

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
Hello," said the Father, "and how are you, Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?"
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya."
Oh, thank ya, Father." And away they went.
Slightly over 5 years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?"
"Oh," she said, "E's away to Rome to blow out yer' f#ckin' candle."
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/06/09 2:45 PM



Warning

If you receive an email from the 'Department of Environment & Health' saying not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu,
just ignore it –

























it's spam.

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 02/06/09 2:49 PM

One out of four people in this Country is mentally unbalanced.


Think of your 3 closest friends.......



If they're okay then you're the one!


Lee
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/06/09 8:59 PM

This is kinda old, anyway, here goes ...

Be Strong Honey .... I Love You

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
“Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 03/06/09 9:02 PM

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 04/06/09 2:09 PM

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No, not quite", said Gordon, "that would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"I'm afraid not", explained Gordon, 'that's what we would call 'a great loss'".
The room went silent - no other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'"?
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and the plane was blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "that's right, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", said little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!"
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 05/06/09 6:03 PM

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay sh-it in our garden,' she said.
Posted By: Martyn Evans

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 09/06/09 2:40 PM

From a book of Hospital Jokes I recently got.
Top 10 reasons to become a nurse:
1) Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles:"tis better to give than receive."
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops .....eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends - at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive,no matter what you do to them.

You know you're a nurse if:
You believe not all patients are annoying... some are unconcious.

Your sense of humour seems to get more warped each year.

You can tell the time with a 24hr clock.

Almost everything can seem humourous ... eventually.

When asked 'What colour is the patient's diarrhoea?' you show them your shoes.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and caused someone at another table to throw up.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Every time someone asks for a pen, you can usually find at least three of them on you.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless its your own.

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co - worker and to shout if they need help.

You find yourself checking out other customers' arm veins in grocery queues.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break sitting up and not be embarressed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/06/09 7:20 AM

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad
for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come
to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you
need to press 9".

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/06/09 7:21 AM

The Tesco Doctor
>
> One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
> behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a
> doctor!"
>
> Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike
> replies.
>
> There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine
> sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about
> it.
>
> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker
> and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
>
> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
> Tesco.
>
>
> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for
> the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
> heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
>
> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
> Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
> samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the
> mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check
> what would happen.
>
> He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
>
> 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
>
> 2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
>
> 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>
> 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
> lawyer..
>
> 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will
> never get better....
>
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 10/06/09 7:22 AM

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of
> her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who
> thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny
> stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
> 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
> her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself
> beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
> tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>
> The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
> class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and
> 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon
> Network!'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * *
> *
>
>
> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
> police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
> 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
> asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
> policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny
> asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
>
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
>
>
> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
> his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
> horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
> 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm
> buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
> shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the
> Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'

Lee
Posted By: Blondie

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/06/09 3:08 PM

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'


Tony leaned over, touched Julie 's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 11/06/09 8:26 PM

Sir Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Manchester.
Two weeks later Manchester United are 4-0 down to West Brom (well, we can dream!) with only 20 minutes left. Ferguson gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation! He scores 5 goals in 15 minutes and wins the game for United.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the Iraqi comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says, 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten up and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all this time, you were having a great time.'
The young lad is, understandably, very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? SORRY?!!!' says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/06/09 7:18 AM

(written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich. - Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8




HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/06/09 7:20 AM


Little Audrey goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them .

Mum said . "YOU should say "NO" - they only want to look at your knickers"

Susie said "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!! :-)



Lee


Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/06/09 7:20 AM

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.





'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Nicholas.








" P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 15/06/09 7:26 AM

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'


Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok

today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really

need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my

wife and tell her to give me S e x. That Makes
everything

better and I go to work. You try that.'



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say

and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........ .You got nice house.'

Lee
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/06/09 7:27 AM

Another one for the ladies.


Shopping above everything !

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was
and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up!
she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead
and finished your shopping trip didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.



The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

Lee
Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 07/07/09 7:43 AM

And that's when the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....

............................................

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

..............................................................

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

............................................

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

.............................................

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....

...........................................

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....

............................................

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that's when the fight started....

...........................................

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Well your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....

............................................

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

...........................................

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ' You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And that's when the fight started....

...........................................

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....
Posted By: JackFlash

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/07/09 4:16 PM

The priest is swaying his boat of incense to and fro. Suddenly somebody from the audience yells: Watch your purse bag! Honey! It is burning!!!
Posted By: JackFlash

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 17/07/09 6:38 PM

A man is walking on the California beach and thinking about his prayer. Then he exclaims: "Oh, my Lord, fulfill one wish for me!" Big dark cloud appears above this man and thunder voice says: "All your life, you try to be honest. I will make one your wish come true." The man: "Build a bridge to Hawaii for me, so I get there every time by a car." - "Your wish is very materialistic! Just imagine those problems: pillars to the Pacific ocean bottom, all that steel and beton, a lot of money. I can manage this your wish, but I am surprised at your temporal goal. Try again, and bring out another wish, My worthy." The man thinks once more and says: My Lord, I wish to uderstand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God says, "Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

Posted By: Alan Ong

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 12/08/09 3:47 PM

Before and After Marriage


Before Marriage:

He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!




After Marriage:

Now read this from bottom to top.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/08/09 8:24 PM

A teacher was telling his class that they must not be absent from school the following day. Only serious illness, death of a family member or serious injury could be excused. One lad piped up, "What if I'm suffering from serious sexual exhaustion sir?"
After a few uncontrolled sniggers from the class, the teacher responded, "Then you'll have to learn to write with your other hand"

Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 25/08/09 8:28 PM

A little boy comes across a farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with it. The farmer tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my rhubarb."
The little boy looks up at the farmer, somewhat quizzically and says, "I don't know where you come from, but we put ice cream and sugar on ours!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/08/09 7:02 PM

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby girl with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the driveway.
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 26/08/09 7:03 PM

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I suppose one day you’ll need to find out! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!”
Posted By: Lee S

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/08/09 7:59 AM

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

''No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Did you pull the plug out or did you go for the bucket??


Lee
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/08/09 9:39 PM

Old Man Stevenson went down to the Post office to collect his pension. The woman at the window wasn't sure of his age, so she asked him for ID. He said “Oh no, I've left my driving license at home. Will I have to go back and get it?” The woman behind the counter says, “no, just show me some hair”. So he shows his chest from an unbuttoned shirt of white hair, and gets his pension.
When he gets home, he tells his wife about his ordeal, who says “Why didn't you show her your todger? You could have been eligible for disability benefit too!”
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 27/08/09 9:39 PM

Three elderly football fans go to Church and pray for their respective teams.
The first is a Scotland fan who asks, “When will Scotland win the World Cup?”
“In 5 years, my son,” God replies.
“But I'll be dead by then” says the Scotland fan.
Second up is a Stenhousemuir fan who says “When will Stenhousemuir be in the Scottish Premiership?”
God replies, “In 10 years my son.”
The ‘Muir fan replies, “But I'll be dead by then”.
Finally, it is the turn of the Hearts fan who asks Lord, “When will Hearts win the Premiership?” God replies “I'll be dead by then!”
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/08/09 7:27 PM

A man was in a busy shopping centre and he had lost his wife. He asked another man if he'd seen her.
The other man replied, "Funnily enough, I've also lost my wife. What does yours look like?"
"She's 6 foot tall, slim, long blond hair and large breasts. What does yours look like?"
"Who cares? Let’s look for yours!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 28/08/09 7:28 PM

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
”Here is your first question”, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat’s easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What the hell’s this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/08/09 10:04 PM

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

--------------------

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the brain.
"You're already out of your head."
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 29/08/09 10:04 PM

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband number 1 was a sales representative - he kept telling me how great it was going to be.”
”Husband number 2 was in software services - he was never really sure how it was supposed to work, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.”
”Husband number 3 was from field services - he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.”
”Husband number 4 was in telemarketing - even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.”
”Husband number 5 was an engineer - he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”
”Husband number 6 was from finance and administration - he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.”
”Husband number 7 was in marketing - although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.”
”Husband number 8 was a psychologist - all he ever did was talk about it.”
”Husband number 9 was a gynaecologist - all he did was look at it.”
”Husband number 10 was a stamp collector - all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 31/08/09 8:47 PM

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes... I don't see too well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the past 2 years!"
Posted By: Naitch

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) - 31/08/09 8:47 PM

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky and two worms.
"Now, class, observe the worms closely," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the wat