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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16
Novice
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Novice
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16 |
Dear Girls,
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of
equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights
back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of
2002. Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse
down a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare
to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present... again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Sa****ay = Football. Let it be.
(N.B.the day after Friday)
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent
argument.
17. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody
chocolate you eat!!
18. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from
reading them.
19. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
20. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
21. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how
pretty you are?
22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
commercial breaks.
23. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and
definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
24. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to
finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I
couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
25. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
26. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as
well.
27. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer
and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above
in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category
'garnish'.
28. Do not question our sense of direction.
If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level
based on love and mutual respect.
The ball's in your court.
Sincerely, The Lads
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 797 Likes: 1
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 797 Likes: 1 |
I see theyve started to find body parts from the shuttle disaster last week. Theyve found a p*n*s. Apparently it a shuttle cock. :p 
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Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 2,412 Likes: 12
Hero
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Hero
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 2,412 Likes: 12 |
I can see I'm going to have to ammend my 'swear-word' filter - check out #6 in Philips post - above. 
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 797 Likes: 1
Philosopher
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Philosopher
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 797 Likes: 1 |
Huw,
Your on a difficult oe there obviously some
words can be taken in different ways I wasnt sure if youd allow me this one.
But then again are either of the 2 words in my
little ditty swear words.
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Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 24
Dreamer
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Dreamer
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 24 |
SORRY! :
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist,
and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church.". "This picture is my lottery win" said
the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met
his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replied the Pope."TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper,
"They must have seen you coming."
Sim.
lets be safe out there.........
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 499
Sage
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Sage
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 499 |
Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials. The following true exchange says it all. Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"
Doctor: "That's correct."
Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"
Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."
Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"
Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."
Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"
Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."
Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."
Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."
Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"
Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorraging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."
Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"
Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"
Louis 
No trees were harmed in the posting of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
كيف الآن يحمّر البقرة
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 6
Newbie
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Newbie
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 6 |
how many reps does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sod the lightbulb where are the pens?!
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Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 499
Sage
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Sage
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 499 |
How many Estates Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?  Three....one to hold the lightbulb, and two to turn the ladder Louis
No trees were harmed in the posting of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
كيف الآن يحمّر البقرة
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 173
Mentor
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Mentor
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 173 |
American beer is like sex in a canoe... F*ck*ng close to water! 
5.7L V8 Corvette.. Doing my bit to keep our summers warmer!
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Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 173
Mentor
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Mentor
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 173 |
Two African native types in the jungle come across a camp site near a river and in the middle is a crocodile resting, with some guy's top half hanging out of its jaws.  "look at that Yuppie b*st*rd!" one native says... "he's got a La Coste sleeping bag!"
5.7L V8 Corvette.. Doing my bit to keep our summers warmer!
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