A senior consultant dies and goes to heaven ( as if!!) when he is queueing up, he starts too get impatient! He barges his way too the front and demands too be let in. " you dont realise how important I was down there!", he says to the attendant. "I'm sorry Sir you will have too wait your turn"
Just then a man runs past wearing a white coat with a stethascope dangling from his pocket, and runs straight through.
The consultant, who is now shouting for attention; is digusted that someone else has jumped in front of him! Now he turns around too the attendant and exclaims his digust, " who's that Doctor he screams?.. you've let him in without queueing!!"

"Oh"....comes the reply " That's GOD he likes too pretend he's a doctor every now and again"

I think mark is trying to become an official member by posting E-mails. Can the limit be increased to 500 before people come out of "New Membership".

You can type in word, do spell check, then cut and paste.

alex

hat would make it too easy..!! LOL )

The Plan.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other
possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling
had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known
as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k".
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the
removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,
al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and
they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil
finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!

A hospital porter had been out drinking with his mates - and had a few too many. He staggered out of the pub, tripped, hit his head on a lampost and fell unconcious in the gutter. An ambulance duly arrived and whisked him off to the local hospital where he worked. When he came to, he was told that they had sent some blood samples off and were getting a scan organised, which happened a few minutes later. Everything was looking good - until his blood results came back. Several doctors, sisters and nurses gathered round the foot of his bed, muttering and whispering and he was told that they were moving him to a side room to give him more privacy (being as how he was a member of staff).
They moved him into a small room with a washbasin and an en-suite bathroom - which he was most impressed with. Then a doctor came to see him - but didn't come into the room, just poked his head round the door ! He said "We know whats wrong with you, you've got GASH"
Porter - "What's GASH ?".
Doctor - "It's a mixture of Gonorrhoea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes."
Porter - "Good God ! What are you going to do ?"
Doctor - "Well, we're going to keep you in here and feed you lots of pancakes".
Porter - "Pancakes ! Will they get me better ?"
Doctor - "No, but its the only thing we can slide under the door!"

A light aircraft is flying across the Atlantic, when it is struck by lightening!
The Pilot realises that he has gone too far too turn back, and is unsure as to whether he can make it too his destination.

The passengers start too get restless, and then one of the women passenger?s starts screaming hysterically!

? I don?t want too die,? she shouts?. Another passenger tries comforting her?. But a few minutes later, she again shouts out!

? Before I die I would like to be made to feel like a Woman again!?

Just then a man at the back of the plane stands up, and starts to walk towards her; unbuttoning his shirt as he slowly walks forward.
She begins too tremble and bites her lip in anticipation, she holds onto the surrounding seats too prevent herself from swooning.
As he draws nearer, she can see that now he has totally unbuttoned his shirt.
As she moves forward too greet him he extends his arm toward her? and say?s

??Here iron this!?


ta... tried the spell checker doo daa... is this OK now??

MONEY

It can buy a House But not a Home

It can buy a Bed But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock But not Time

It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine But not Health

It can buy you Blood But not Life

It can buy you Sex But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHECKS, CASHIERS CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, GRADE 5 PLUTONIUM, ETC..ETC..

AND OF COURSE DEPOSIT WILL BE IN A SWISS BANK

Superman sees wonder-woman writhing around naked on top of a sky scraper, unable to control himself he flies down for a quicky and flies off again.
Wonderwoman says "was it a bird was it a plane?
"I don't Know" says the invisible man " but my bum is hurting like hell!"

There seems to have been a few plane crashes just lately - have you noticed ?
The latest one was just yesterday in Ireland when a small, light aircraft suffered a major structural failure and came down in a vertical dive, straight into a church graveyard. Because of all the disturbed, soft earth, it buried itself in the ground (no pun intended).
Irish rescue teams are still at the site and so far have recovered 117 bodies.

Newly married bloke says to his wife, " put my trousers on". She does just that. He says, " that'll be the last time in this relationship that you wear the trousers".
The blokes wife says, " put my knickers on".
Bloke says," I can't get in to them".
She says, "thats the way it'll stay, as long as you've got that attitude"!

Professional integrity..what's that, when it's at home then.

Ouch! - That hurt! You got me right in the wossnim there.....!

Since when has Professional Integrity been a joke ?

BAIRD service prices

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

Question?
" Why are pubic hairs curly...?
Answer
Because if they were straight they'd poke your eyes out..?""

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

I can't beleive your in management John, 'cos ya don't meet many with a sense of humour!!

Mark
Stella Artois does it every time. Especially lunchtime.

Disclaimer: I never drink during working hour - (I was JOKING!!)

Sorry ladies & gents -
Two jokes deleted due to complaints received.

Even though this forum is entitled 'Out of hours' it is still a public forum.

Re: Deleted jokes about dangers at sea.

If someone has lost a loved one, at sea, to marauding whales, I'm sorry for that but why would someone complain about seafaring stories..do they see hidden meanings in them?

If people understand inuendo, should they be complaining?

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

A joke off my son oh he's ten just in case the content is challenged..?

" How do you make a snooker table laugh..?"

"Tickle it's ball!"

Another from the same source
"How do you make a door scream...?"
"Pull it's knob..!"

Hey he's at school what can I say..?

oops that should have been.. " Tickle it's ball's.. spell checkers???

>>ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT USERS

It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as "Windaz Too-Thoosand", may have accidentally been shipped out of Newcastle.

If you have one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of Windaz 2000 by the egg-timer being replaced by a bottle of Brown Ale and a Grammar Check that automatically ends every sentence with a simile. Kna worra mean like ?

Windaz Too-Thoosand does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks.

Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labelled "Sh*te"
Dialup Networking is called "Me mates"
Control Panel is known as "How we f**k aboot wi the settins"
The hard disk drive (C is referred to as "The flashin light on the frontt"

Other features to note:
Ok - 'Alreet'
Cancel - 'F**k that'
Yes - 'WhyAye'
No - 'Haddaway an sh*te'
Goto - 'Owa there'
Help - 'Haway man ah cannit dee it'
Personal Folder/My Documents - 'Aall Me sh*te'

Applications exclusive to Windaz 2000:
Tipe Rita - a word processor
Cullarin Book - a graphics package
Addin Masheen - a calculator
Dole 2000 - accounting software
Readers Wives - Internet Explorer

Speaking with a slight scouse twang..who me???

Jokes I have heard over the years with a scouse connotation:-

Why do seagulls have wings..?
To beat the scousers to the tip!

Why do they call scousers Mushrooms?
Because the have got big heads and grow up in Sh*t

And the usual one?s.

Where do you hide your valuables from the scousers who come to rob you?..
Under the soap!

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The defendant!


..shortened version!

The scouse slaves on a roman galleon keep singing
? Michael row the boat ashore?
So the slave driver (another word for EBME manager?), gets half of their brains removed. But they keep singing ? Michael row the boat ashore?

Finally he gets the rest of their brains removed?

The next day when the galleon is be-calmed again he whips the slaves into rowing? Initially there is silence? then they start singing?

?Ferry Across the Mersey??????

A crack team of Irish SAS soldiers were dropped in to Battersea Dogs home today...they were successful in taking out the Afghans.

test

Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

Schizophrenia
Do You hear What I Hear?

Dementia
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic
Deck the Halls and Walls and house and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid
Santa Claus is cComming to Get Me

Personality Disorder
You Better Watch Out,
I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell you Why

Borderline Personality Disorder
Thoughts of You Roasting on an Open Fire

A woman is standing in front of the mirror, and she turns around and asks her husband, " Are my breasts too small?". "no" he replies..
"I think they are!".. she responds
this exchange carries on for a while. where upon the husband finally says too her...

" Try rubbing a peice of tissue between them."
"Will that work?".. she replies..

" Well it did on your Ar#e.."

A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".

A man goes to visit his doctor,
"Doc, I've got a rather embarrassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"
"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.
"They make a HONDA sound"
The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"
"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man
The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"
"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man
"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light. After a few minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concened that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitly red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three stop lights in a row?, you could have killed us"
Mildred turned to her and cried "Oh ****!, am I driving?".

This was sent too me by a colleague from Manchester, he must be shy

Two Scouser's are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike.

They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see
if he can help and the scouser's ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scouser's he has to
leave.

The scouser's put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.
By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm " Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this and wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers.

I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f*ckers have managed to nick a motorbike already.

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

Parrots

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"
The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000." "What does he know?"
"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."
"How about the second one?"
"The second parrot costs $5,000."
"What does he know?"
"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."
"Then what is the price for the third one?, the buyer is wondering."
"This one costs $20,000."
"Really?!, wonders the exciting buyer. What does he know?"
"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

Illegal parking

A driver, parked in an illegal zone, tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.

Lead us not into temptation."

If only it was this easy?

Cheer Up and Give it ya ALL

Something to ponder

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bull**** will put you over the top. But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know
what is required of you.

I see that Artemis Medical will be running a free 'New Technology' meeting for Senior Biomeds at Alder Hey Hospital, Liverpool on 13th Feb 2003. I wonder if Mark E will be attending.

Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?
How about a few pounds of pig manure?
Will that cure my baldness?
No, but with that on your head no one will come near enough to notice you're bald

Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of
equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights
back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of
2002. Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....


1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse
down a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare
to comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present... again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Sa****ay = Football. Let it be.
(N.B.the day after Friday)

7. Shopping is not a sport.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.

9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with that particular dress?

12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months
we were going out.

16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent
argument.

17. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody
chocolate you eat!!

18. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes
you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from
reading them.

19. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

20. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

21. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how
pretty you are?

22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the
commercial breaks.

23. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and
definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

24. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to
finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I
couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

25. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

26. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as
well.

27. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer
and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above
in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category
'garnish'.

28. Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level
based on love and mutual respect.

The ball's in your court.


Sincerely, The Lads

I see theyve started to find body parts from the shuttle disaster last week.
Theyve found a p*n*s.
Apparently it a shuttle cock.
:p

I can see I'm going to have to ammend my 'swear-word' filter - check out #6 in Philips post - above.

Huw,
Your on a difficult oe there obviously some
words can be taken in different ways I wasnt sure if youd allow me this one.
But then again are either of the 2 words in my
little ditty swear words.

SORRY! :
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist,
and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church.". "This picture is my lottery win" said
the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met
his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replied the Pope."TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper,
"They must have seen you coming."

Sim.

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials. The following true exchange says it all.

Louis

how many reps does it take to change a lightbulb?
Sod the lightbulb where are the pens?!

How many Estates Managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three....one to hold the lightbulb, and two to turn the ladder

Louis

American beer is like sex in a canoe...

F*ck*ng close to water!

Two African native types in the jungle come across a camp site near a river and in the middle is a crocodile resting, with some guy's top half hanging out of its jaws.

"look at that Yuppie b*st*rd!" one native says...

"he's got a La Coste sleeping bag!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.



Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.



The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?



He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend,and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."



Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, shag the perfect partner against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for some beer.

Manchester Utd. and their "fans" at Cardiff - Sunday 2nd March 03

A Biomed was sitting with an Estates Manager and a Doctor in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given the death sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be whipped!" The Doctor thought for a second then said : "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Doctor cried in pain. The Estates Manager saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for
the whole 20 lashes. The Estates Manager stood up smiling smugly (as they do). The Biomed saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh said: "As you are a humbled biomed with all that crap you have to put up with, a system that consistently keeps you on the go and the endless interference from senior managers with the IQ of a gold fish you are permitted to have two wishes!" The Biomed thought for a second then said: "Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with he strongest, toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Estates Manager to my back!"

Louis

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make
of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea
how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position
you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

10 things men understand about Women:-

1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: they have breasts.

I remember the first time Dave H fell in love...

It made his whole week :p :p :p

I think you've posted in the wrong section Todd, this area is for Jokes

Oops.. sorry..forgot you must be posting here because of your "jokey" name

oooooo!!! settle down girls, no place to trade insults!

try this.....A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".
The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Your pen1s is very, very large. The weight of your pen1s is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a pen1s transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large pen1s, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old pen1s. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange pen1ses back."

The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible.

cant resist this one either! ( you can tell its lunch break! )A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear

Well - I've just deleted a post for the first time in two years.

I don't know if it was friendly banter by Todd Mallow or not - but I didn't like the sound of it.

'Todd Mallow' no more 'jokes' of that sort please. Jokes should be general and not aimed at anyone in particular.

Me thinks you need to get out more huw, the joke was not meant to be taken seriously ,it was merely meant to be taken as good old fashioned banter.

How about this one...

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

A true story, apparently...........


Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.


The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chickens."

Two young Doctors are speeding down the motorway, when they are seen by a couple of coppers in a patrol car.
The Policemen feeling generous, pull up next too them and motion them too slow down. This they ignore and carry on, so they do the same again...
And still nothing the Doctors carry on speeding.

Finally the Policemen approach them and Flash their lights and again motioning them too slow down... However this time the Doctors wave their Stethoscopes toward the Policemen, and again speed off.

This time the Police wave them over... and are again shown the stethoscope's.... in response the Police wave their Handcuffs in reply and duly the Doctors pull over and Stop.....

Does it apply too Ambulances too?? I wonder...??? 104 mph... hmmmm I dunno about that one!??

One for the ladies...................

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas,
where women could go to choose a husband from among
many men.
It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any
floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you
went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to
leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to
find some husbands...

First floor :-
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and
love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better
than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I
wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor :
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, and are extremely good looking."
Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further
up?

Third floor :-
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremely good looking, love kids and help with the
housework."
Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more
further up!And up they went.

Fourth floor :-
This door had a sign saying "These men have high
paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking,
help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak."
Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us
further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor :-
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and
exists only to prove that women are impossible to
please"

Louis III

A woman walks into her kitchen and finds her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

Wife - "What are you doing?"

Husband - "Hunting Flies"

Wife - "Get any?"

Husband - "Three males, two females,"

Wife - "How can you tell which is male and which is female?"

Husband - "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

wa wa wa waaahh.....

Two nuns are happily driving down the motorway and are singing hymms when out of the blue the devil lands on the bonnet of the car and presses himself up against the windshield...

Both nuns scream as the devil begins playing with himself and screaming obscenities.

They break hard in an attempt to shake him off, but still the devil remains. By now both nuns are horrified and in total shock, and are unsure as what to do next...

Eventually the one nun plucks up enough courage and shouts across to her colleague " SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS"...

so the second nun winds down the window and shouts.. " GET OF MY F...... BONNET"

An ostentatious day to you all, just a light teaser to brighten your day:-

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche or X-Type Jag in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Louis III

Two medical engineers were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

One Day At The Doctor's Office...


An elderly couple showed up at the doctor's office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "We'd like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything's all right."

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything's fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way.

The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"

liii

Good one Louis. Keep them rolling.

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusal pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet down to the pub for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "would you like to go to the pub for a beer?".
But there was no reply from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "how about going down the pub and having a beer with me?".
But again, there was no reply from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go down the pub and have a beer with me?".
...A little voice came from within the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on".

Cheers

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first
words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man,
one giantleap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by
millions.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to
Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong
felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in
his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and
Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon."

True story.

Who's in charge?

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated,the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The ass hole is usually in charge

-------------------------
Smoking in the rain
-------------------------

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. one of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: what's that?

Lady 2: a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: where did you get it?

Lady 2: you can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80
years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, son, as long as it fits a camel."

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW!
The women immediately leans out of her window and yells, TOSSER!
They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only women would listen.

Optician talking to patient...

"You'll have to stop w*nk*ng"
"WHY? Will I go blind?"
"No, but you're upsetting the others in the waiting room!"

A tramp walks through the park one day and finds ten pounds, thank you God he screams, overjoyed he rushes to the nearest pub. Landlord give me as much cheap and nasty beer that this ten pounds will buy...The land lord gives him as much swill as he can drink, the tramp now totally blooted, stumbles via the curry house for a vindaloo and back to the park where he collapses under a park bench...(great night)

That night two homosexuals wandering through the park, spot the tramp lying unconcious and decide to have their wicked way with him. When finished, they feel terribly guilty and so put twenty pounds into his pocket...

The very next morning the tramp wakes up stretches, yawns and puts his hand into his pocket and finds twenty pounds..Thankyou Lord he screams and rushes off to the pub...Landlord give me as much cheap beer that twenty pounds will buy ..At the end of the night he follows the same routine curry, and collapses under the park bench...

That same night the homosexuals return and cannot believe their luck, so again they have their wicked way, and again place twenty pounds into his pocket before running off...

The next morning the tramp goes through the same process and again screams and thanks God for his luck when he finds twenty pounds, he rushes off to the pub and asks the barman for a bottle of his best red wine and a cheese sandwich, puzzled the barman asks what was wrong with the cheap beer?

well says the tramp, i'm glad you asked that question, granted it does the trick and I get totally blooted, but its just that I really suffer the next morning with a thick head, a sore arse and a funny taste in my mouth

Sorry Lads, I know it slightly politically incorrect but where would the world be without the Englishman, the Irishman, the Scotsman, and the Welshman..........here goes...

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun.

After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in an old sack against the barn wall.

The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.

He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''meow''. "Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''. "Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

A woman goes into a pet shop and enqiures to buy a Parrot. The assistant tells her that he's only got one left and that she can have it for $100.

"But"!! he added "I must warn you - his previous owner was a Madam in a house of ill repute".

"That's ok"! the woman says - "I'll take it anyway"

When she got it home the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel - different Madam"
The woman replied "This is no brothel and I am no Madam"

After a while the woman's 2 Daughters came to visit for the day the Parrot said "Ah!!, different brothel, different Madam, and different prostitutes"!!
The woman repeated "This is no brothel, I am no Madam and these are my Daughters"

Later on, the woman's Husband came home from work the Parrot chirped "Ah, different brothel, different Madam, different prostitutes - Hey George you dirty old bugger, Nice to see you again"!!

What does SOBER stand for?

>>>>>


Son Ofa Bitch, Everythings Real!

Two old girls go out one weekend without their husbands and get somewhat inebriated. Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they'd finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some very expensive knickers, didn't want to throw hers away and so looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!
The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card stuck to her fanny that read -" From all the lads at the Nags Head, We will never forget you".

LIII

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out of the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?".

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers,
"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital
photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm
Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then
accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with
hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on
his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he
prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and turns to the shepherd and says,
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the
shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the

young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd! .

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid
for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you know
sod all about my business............ now give me back my dog."

Why do we all hate business consultants so?

Robert

Elephant turns to camel and says "why do you walk around with your boobs on your back",
Camel replies "thats good comin from someone who has his pr**k in the middle of his face.

Silly I know but try telling it when theyve had 8 pints and theyll fall over laughin.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f@#$%ng ship?

Oh Dear John, you've started me now......

FRIGID PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

EXPENSIVE PARROTS

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question "What can it do?", to which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!".

COURTEOUS PARROT
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

This is really only for Geeks....

Caution :: This is a big download.
Click here >> Download everything

A priest in a small country town decides he needs a companion and purchases himself a talking parrot. Things go well for the priest, the parrot provides companionship and even sits on the pulpit and helps with the sermon on Sundays.

One Saturday whilst preparing the sermon for the next day the priest hears a terrible squawking and clucking form the chicken coup. Upon investigation the finds the parrot has somehow made his way into the chicken coup and is having his way with one of the chickens.

The priest is very upset and lets the parrot know in no uncertain terms that this is not on, and as punishment the parrot has to sit in the first row with the parishioners during the sermon. The parrot does not help with the sermon but just sits in the first row mumbling obscenities to himself.

The next Saturday the same thing happens again, the parrot is severely chastised and instead of sitting in the front row the parrot must sit in the last row where no-one else sits. As an afterthought the priest tells the parrot that if this ever happens again he will pluck all of the feathers from the parrot’s head.

That Sunday the parrot spends a very miserable hour and a half up the back by himself. By the end of the sermon some of the parishioners are starting to wonder if the parrot is developing some form of avian Tourette’s Syndrome.

The following Saturday there is a huge ruckus from the chicken coup, and the priest finds the parrot at it again. In a fit of rage the priest carries out his threat to pluck the plumage from the parrot’s head, and to add insult to injury the parrot has to sit in the back row again.

That Sunday the parrot is sitting in the back row in a very black mood. About 5 minutes into the sermon an old man enters the church and heads toward the front to find a seat. The parrot sees the old man and shouts out “HEY YOU BALDY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING, US CHICKEN F&$#ERS GOTTA SIT UP THE BACK” .

Two ships have collided out in the Atlantic

One was carrying Red paint the other Blue

The crew were marooned

Could it happen here?
You bet!!
Received from my friend in Arizona:

Subject: Only In America…………..

1. Can a pizza get to your house faster than an
Ambulance.

2. Are there handicap-parking places in front of
a skating rink.

3. Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98 and XP, you have to click on
"Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box (that is really orange) that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (butwouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate Machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Stupid but funny.........
>
>
> After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By
> the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
> P: The problem logged by the pilot.
> S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed

A middle aged lady is walking past the pet shop and spots a sign in the window 'fanny licking frogs for sale' I could do with one of them she says. Ten minutes later she rushes off home with her new frog.

lying on the bed later that day, naked with the frog along side her, nothing happens, she waits and waits and eventually realises that this frog will not cooperate. She races back to the shop extremely frustrated and angry.

The woman confronts the owner and demands her money back, I can not believe it he says, are you sure? this has never happened before.

He scratches his head and states 'I know what to do' we can sort this out right now, so he tells the woman to go upstairs and lie naked on his bed, he soon joins her with the frog which he places on a pillow next to her head, he then turns to the frog and says 'this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this'

Woman stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom as her husband lays in bed, she kits off, looks in the mirror and says " I'm fat, I'm ugly, my knockers are drooping and I've got a saggy arse, as my husband you should be able to find something to compliment about me"

The husband pipes up......

"Your eyesight is f**king spot on!"

Boom-boom.

This is a really bad one and hope it has not been sent before.

A man took his parrot to the vet saying that it wasn't very well. The vet examined it and pronounced it deceased. The owner wasn't satisfied and asked for a second opinion.

The vet called in his cat who scratched the parrot and confirmed the diagnosis. The owner still wasn't satisfied and called for a third opinion.

The vet called in his Labrador who sniffed the parrot and confirmed the opinion of the others. The owner at last pronounced himself satisfied whereupon the vet presented him with a bill for £150.

The man protested at the amount of the bill but the vet told him that the bill was perfectly reasonable - after all the parrot had had a cat scan and a lab report.

A man is sitting in the bar, when a good looking woman sits down, next to him.
After a while she says Hi Bob
Do I know you? Bob replies
You sure do Bob, it's Frank, your best friend
My God Frank, is that really you?
I went to Sweden and got a sex change
Wow, it's amazing, the makeup, new hair colour, sure had me fooled.
You really are a woman, tell me something, does it hurt when they cut your PENIS off?
Yeah, that hurts, but I'll tell you, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as when they stick that metal tube into your head, and suck half your brains out.
:p

A taxi driver is driving down a New York street, when he sees a nun stood at the side of the road. She flags him down, and he pulls over and says "Hop in Sister! Where to?"
She asks to go to Brooklyn, and he says: "That's a long way sister. Mind if we talk?"
Nun:"Of course not my son, what's on your mind?"
TD: "It's this celibacy thing... don't you ever like, think about it?"
Nun: "Of course I do my son, I am only human and subject to the temptations of the mortal flesh."
TD: "Well, would you ever like , think about, doing it?"
Nun: "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, incapable of having children, and unmarried...."
TD: "Sister, this is your lucky day - I'm all three! Hop up front and give us a blow job?"
So the nun hops up front, and gives the driver a blow job. When she comes back up, he starts laughing, and she asks him what he's laughing at.
TD: "Sister, you've been 'ad. I'm a Protestant, on my second marriage, with 4 kids."
Nun: "That's OK - my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

Sorry guys, this is painful...There was once this man who was about to go away on holiday. Being the religious type, he called at the church to ask the priest to gave him some holy water to take with him. As the man was about 200 yards down the road a hare ran out into in front of him. He tried to brake but there wasn't enough space so he ended up squashing the unfortunate creature flat! He got out of the car to see if it was alive. He saw it wasn't, got out his holy water and sprinkled a few drops onto the hare. He was astonished when it suddenly jumped up and ran down the road. To make the situation even more peculiar, it turned and waved at him every few yards. The man was astounded by the miracle he had just witnessed. He went back and told the priest, who started to laugh. He said 'I gave you the wrong bottle. That wasn't holy water. It was hair restorer with a permanent wave

Seymour

Apparently Frank Bruno was caught today with his dick stuck between two dry biscuits.

The Doctors reckon he's f**king crackers!

Boom-boom.

wo women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught
short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested
they do their Business behind a head stone or something. One of
them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin
hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath
that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with
that.They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband
phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our
wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."
That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between
Her arse that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

"Two" even should check first ! LOL]

Worlds Funniest Joke (Aparently according to CNN)
CNN

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Subject: United Language

Official note - united language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Zen ve vil rul ze vurld!!

Hey Mark,
Page one of this thread - joke #4

H.

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Sorry should have put this on with the last one (sorry to all blondes) :p :p .....

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? this is a beauty ...)


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Sorry Huw i was sent this joke thought I'd heard it before !!

Here's a dilemma for you....

With all your honour and dignity what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very
important one.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious
thought.

By giving an honest answer you will be able to test
where you stand MORALLY.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, where you will have to make a decision
one-way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line -
this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact.

There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a
hurricane and severe floods.

There are huge masses of water all over you.

You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle
of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to
shoot very mpressive photos. There are houses and
people floating around you, disappearing into the
water.

Nature is showing all its destructive power and is
ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting
for his life, trying not to be taken away by the
masses of water and mud. You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who
it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are
about to take him away, forever.

You have two options. You can save him or you can
take the best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can
shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo
displaying the death of one of the world's most
powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest
answer):


Would you select colour film, or rather go with the
simplicity of classic black and white?

Good news! Saddams got the death penalty...

Bad news? ....Beckhams taking it!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Christmas cracker Joke:

Whats orange and sounds like a Parrot???



A carrot.

How true, and sad !


If Nelson were alive today...
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from thecrow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ..kiss me, Hardy "

A man goes to do some Christmas shopping and returns with an Odd gift for his wife.

A neighbour see's this gift and asks what it is,

" A wooden leg" replies the man.

the neighbour replies back, " That is a very unusual present is that all your getting her?"

He replies " This.... it's only a Stocking Filler...!"

Not as bad as Johns carrot joke but close !

What do you call 10 estates managers sitting in a circle?

A dope ring

LIII

Looks as if John knows our Technical Services Manager - the carrot/parrot joke is one of his favourites!

There is even an advert full of them now on national radio. It includes "What do you call a bull asleep? A bulldozer!"

Apologies to anyone who feels mentally harmed by this - here, we're hardened to it;)

Patient

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf"


Doctor

"What are the symptoms ?"


Patient

"A cartoon family on the television"........

One snowman to his friend........


Is it just me........


Or can you smell carrots ?.........

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Makes you think mmm?

It`s that time of year again
So try this one :p
http://meph.eu.org/orcaslap.php

Early this morning Reuters reported that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained a 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, protractor, compass, set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possesses weapons of maths instruction.

Found this link on another forum.

Decided to post it here as I think we need somethng to laugh at!

http://www.union.ic.ac.uk/medic/fitness/home.php

Goto listen to hear a few sample tracks.
Word of warning, the site has a Parents Advisory for explicit lyrics. Some of the songs are very amusing, but a word of warning the language can be slightly "choice" - so dont turn the volume up high on your PC.

All written by doctors they are however quite good and you can even buy their full CD and the money goes to charity.

enjoy

I see the Queen has already got Charles' and Camilla's wedding present.

A weekend in Paris and a chauffeur driven Mercedes.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb
They can`t, they don`t have the skills, but they would be able to print a leaflet titled
Coping With Darkness

A group of retired teachers, from America, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport"

"Impossible! Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

Prison or Work - 10 Reasons To Ponder

1 In prison you spend your time in a 10ft * 8ft cell. At work you`re in a 8ft * 6ft cubicle.

2 In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you only get a short break for 1 meal and you have to pay for that one.

3 In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

4 In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you carry a security card around and unlock and open the doors yourself.

5 In prison you watch TV and play games. At work you get sacked for watching TV and playing games.

6 In prison you`re ball and chained if you go out. At work you`re just ball and chained.

7 In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

8 In prison you`re allowed family and friends to visit. At work you can`t even speak to family and friends.

9 In prison all expenses are paid for by the taxpayer with no work required. At work you pay all the expenses to get to work and then taxes are deducted from your wages to pay for the prisoners.

10 In prison there are wardens who can be cruel and sadistic. At work you have managers.

Irish police have confirmed that they are dealing with their worst ever aircraft disaster and are still recovering many dead after a light twin seater aircraft crashed into a cemetary late last night, the body count has so far risen to 825....

Amazing story on Radio 4 Afternoon news programme.


A pensioner who lived alone in a bungalow was given a suspended sentence
for supplying cannabis. She had decided to try cannabis as a means of
helping with her own arthritus but decided that she didn't like smoking it
so that she would use it in her own home made cooking instead. She liked
them so much that she decided to share them with her friends in the village
for help with their arthritus. They became very popular but the tell tale
odour from the ovens alerted the local police who raided the premises. The
woman offered them some of her own home made cookies. They declined and left
with 16 cannabis plants abd £1,000 worth of supplies. and prosecuted the
woman for possession with a view to suppply.

During the course of the prosecution the woman went on daytime TV to promote
her cause. Unfortunately the trial judge saw the programme werein the woman
said she intended to continue to supply the food to her friends. When asked
about this at the trial she said that she no longer did that because a very
nice young man came around instead with the supplies...

Husband and wife sit down to watch the football together, it’s Liverpool v’s Arsenal.
The husband has been a Liverpool fan for over 25 years, and gets very passionate while watching any game.

An hour of the game goes by, and the wife turns to her partner and says “my god, I sometimes think you love Liverpool more than me”?

The husband turns to his wife and say’s “dear, sometimes I love Everton more than you”!!

Mathematical Equation

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:


If :

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26


Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

Mathematical Conclusion :



So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close.......and Attitude will get you there........it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

The Difference between You and Your Boss:

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't get something done, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't get something done, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When you do it your own way, you're not doing what you're told.
When your boss does it his way, he's showing creativity.

When you do it on your own, you're overstepping your bounds.
When your boss does it, he's demonstrating initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss takes a stand, he's being firm.

When you violate a rule, you're self-centred.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

When you help a peer, you're not busy enough.
When your boss does it, he's a team player.

When someone else does your work, you're passing the buck.
When someone else does his work, he's assigning responsibility.

When you call in sick, you're playing hooky.
When your boss calls in sick, he must be very ill.

When you ask for the morning off, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss asks for the morning off, it's because he's overworked.

When you get a raise, you're lucky.
When he gets one, he really earned it.

When you do a good job, you get a pat on the back.
When he does a good job, he gets a bonus.

A.M

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1) Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks
2) Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown
3) If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas
4) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make a mental note to do more sit-ups
5) Get in the shower
6) Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
7) Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins
8) Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean
9) Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint conditioner – enhanced
10) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
11) Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash
12) Rinse conditioner out of hair
13) Shave armpits and legs
14) Turn off shower
15) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower
16) Spray mould spots with Tile Cleaner
17) Get out off shower
18) Dry with towel the size of a small country
19) Wrap hair in super absorbent towel
20) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head
21) If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile
2) Walk naked to the bathroom
3) If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound
4) Look at your manly physique in the mirror
5) Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum
6) Get in the shower
7) Wash your face
8) Wash your armpits
9) Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off
10) Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower
11) Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area
12) Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap
13) Wash your hair
14) Make a Shampoo Mohawk
15) Wee
16) Rinse off and get out of shower
17) Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging outside of bath the whole time
18) Admire size of willy in mirror again
19) Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on
20) Return to bedroom with towel around waist
21) If you see your wife along the way, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound
22) Throw wet towel on the bed

Are you sick of the crazy frog?If so try this.http://hatethatfrog.desktopcreatures.com/index.asp?q=crazy+frog

An Irishman spots a parcel outside a pub, he picks it up and opens it to find its a sandwich, but the sandwich has two wires sticking out of it.
Oh my God it`s a bomb, I`d better phone the police, the policeman on the other end of the phone after hearing the tale says "is it tickin`".
The man replies "no I think its ham"

We are all sorry to hear Richard Whitely has died. He had pneumonia. On the up side he got extra points for having a nine letter word and using all the vowels.

A Japanese Aircraft Carrier has been sighted off the Dorset Coast. !! Is this a threat to Poole Harbour ( note the correct English spelling !! )

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee,quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

A termite walks into a pub and says "is the bartender here?" :p

I was talking to my mate the other day and happened to mention my wife was getting a bit fat and ugly, he said "you should do what I did when my wife went to seed", "what was that" says I. "Well get her to take up a bit of exercise, I got my wife to go out walking", I said "that`s a good idea, tell me more". So he says "a week ago I told my wife she needed exercise and told her to walk 10 miles a day, and now she`s 70 miles away"

Here's one to brighten your Friday afternnon...

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and shouts "Hey Sheila, what he hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and you don't want to know me now. So now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real good sport too" and drives off.

Gotta love those Aussies...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle; But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian.
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie; But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''Toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend,
whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you later this evening."

The teacher passed out..

A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new line worker is hired and she reports for her first shift promptly at 08:00.
The next morning at 08:45, there is a knock at the Personnel officer's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast.
The Personnel manager decides to see for himself so they march together down to the factory floor. Rightly enough, when they get down there the line is so backed up there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the floor and at the end of the line the new employee is surrounded by Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marble and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel manager bursts in to laughter when he sees this but after a short while pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you may have mis-understood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"......

Q/ What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison??

A/ You can't wash your face in a Buffalo

BUSH JOKE.....

There that got your attention.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving his daily briefing to George Bush.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

True Story about Hell


The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.


As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

New “Agenda For Change” rules...............


Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the notice board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the hospital's mental health policy.


Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to the NHS. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when the
stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger."
The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman, turned it

down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.Thinking that he would stump the
Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"

"Aaaright," said the Jamaican.
"Dat could be one in-tresting topic.But mek me ask yu one question
fus".

"Go ahead, said the stranger".

"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite?
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun out flat patties,
an donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How de rass is it dat yu feel
qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't even know ****?"

Security Alert in France

The French President Jacques Chirac, has officially raised the French security alert from "Run" to "Hide".

There are only two higher levels in France "Surrender" and "Collaborate"

The rise was seen as inevitable after a recent fire destroyed France's only white flag factory - effectively crippling their military capability.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section
of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once
more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she
took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard
of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

The dodo died, di died, dodi died, dando died......dido must be s****ing herself!

If she isn't now, she certainly swill be.

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.

The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer

A girl goes into the priest for confession.
'Forgive me father I have sinned I dont wear any underwear'
'Well my child say two hail marys and two our fathers, oh and can I have two cart wheels on the way out'


Women unhappy at being alone puts an ad in the paper.
'Wanted man to share my life, must be gentle, will not run away and be good in bed'
Next day the doorbell rings' she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs.
'Yes can I help you' she says
'You put an ad in the paper, as you can see I have no arms so I will never hurt you, I have no legs so I will never run away'
'Yes but what about the sex'
'Hey how do you think I rang the doorbell!!!'

OK, not exactly a joke, but it will make you smile:

Edited, as the link is now dead. Shame - it was a good 'un.

Thanks BSM, for a wonderful idea. My neighbours will no doubt want to thankyou as well for such a creative idea.

Rumour has it that Calum Best was made a Millionaire on the sad demise of his father recently.

He took all the empties back.

Mad mary was speeding round the mental hospital as usualin her wheelchair.

Mad Joe stopped her and asked for her licence.

'S***' she said and sped off round another corner.

Mad Jim then stopped her and asked for her insurance.

'F***' she said and took off again at speed.

Rounding the next corner she met Big John standing stark naked with a massive erection.

'Oh No' she says 'Not the breathalizer again!'

WOMAN'S DIARY:


Wednesday 30th November 2005


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting
him - thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.





MAN'S DIARY:


Wednesday 30th November 2005

Swans lost..... Gutted! Devastated all day.

Got a sh*g though.

The Best Family revealed today that the actual burial of George had not actually taken place in Belfast due to intense media interest. They added that, in hindsight, the cremation in Hemel Hempstead had not gone to plan either.

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle". The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Got my sleeping tablets mixed up with my viagra last week. Ended up having 40 wa*ks!

I made the mistake of taking Viagra without any water, it got stuck in my throat. Had a stiff neck for a week!!!

Did you hear about the thirteen year old boy who took three Viagra tablets? He was rushed to hospital with third degree burns to his hand!

My grandad was the first person to die from an accidental viagra overdose. Took the undertakers three weeks to get the coffin lid on.

George Bush must be olded than he looks! The title Queen (or indeed king!) of England went out of use is 1707

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands.

Suddenly, a brand new, bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier watch, steps out and asks the shepherd:

“If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?”

The shepherd looks at the large flock and says, “Okay”.

The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.

She studies the report and says to the shepherd:

“You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

The shepherd replies:

“That is correct. You can have the pick of my flock.”

The woman packs way her equipment, looks at the flock and puts one in the boot of her Porsche.

As she is about to leave the shepherd says:

“If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?”

The woman thinks for a moment, and then agrees.

The shepherd says:

“You are an NHS Manager.”

“Correct” responds the woman, “but how did you know that?”

The shepherd replies:

“Simple. First you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don’t understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway –
NOW – CAN I HAVE MY DOG BACK? ! ! !

The Irish have identified a way of ensuring bird flu does not get to Ireland;

Bomb the canaries:)

Your jokes haven't improved then Max! Mine have fermented like a true fine wine ..... y'know the stuff Takis used to sell - Kokinelli I think it were called ?

What do you call a Black man who flies the plane?

“Don't know”

The Pilot (You Racist).

A.M

Collective Nouns

A billing of consultants
A body of pathologists
A brace of orthodontists
A cackle of modern matrons
A clench of sphincters
A colony of microbiologists
A dose of doctors
A smug of consultants
A destructive of nurses
A design of engineers
A geek of engineers
A greed of lawyers
A gross of f*rts
An incision of surgeons
An indecision of managers
A lie of politicians
A mixture of pharmacists
A palm of w*nkers
A prattle of cleaners
A prevarication of consultants
A sh*tload of troubles
A slice of circumcisions
A vision of optometrists


Any others to add to the list?

I nearly forgot
A superlative of EBME Techs!

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said, "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm getting a fax!"

God bless the Australian man
A woman sitting in an Sydney restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman shook her head ...No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her a*@e.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her throat and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!

Reasons Why Men Should Not Antagonise Women:-

Marriage Part 1
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're
here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)************************************
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)******************************
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
****************************************** Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is
ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) The Silent
Treatment**************************************
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It
is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

Dickie,

You can add "A sprain of Physiotherapists", "A purse of Accountants", "A dirge of Directors", "A spit (and rinse) of Dentists" and "An a*@e of administrators".

One for the current climate: a Redundancy of Nurses...Good on you, Tony - another masterstroke of short term policy.

Dickie

Its A Pride of Engineers
and a Gaggle of ECG Technicians

How many Health Secretary's does it take to change a light bulb?


None, because the light is still working and has never been brighter!

Horde of Store men
Spattering of Plaster men
Tower of Scaffold men
Giggle of Comedian's
Swarm of HR Manager
School of Teachers
Forest of Carpenter
Riot of ASBOs
Brothel of MPs
Murder of Crows
Parliament of Rooks
Kennel of Social workers

How come the English language has so many different names for group of things?

A.M

What is the collective noun for collective nouns?
And what do you call a person who collects them?

Robert

How about a Whinge of Technicians

(Not me of course)

…and an Argue of Architects.

Anybody who’s ever worked with them will know what I mean!

I thought it was a Whinge of Porters.

A Scots doctor is showing a visiting English colleague around a Scottish hospital. At the end of the tour they enter a ward with a number of patients who show no signs of injury. The Englishman goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!". The doctor, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering bl'attle. I wad be laith to run and chase hee, wi' murdering prattle." "Well," says the English doctor to his Scottish friend, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last." "No, no" the Scottish doctor corrects him, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

Methinks a Deletion of Administrators could be becoming appropriate (Only joking Huw!)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were drinking and chatting late one night in a pub.
The Scots man reminisces ” If I was at my local in Glasgow, after 5 pints the landlord would give you a sixth one for free. And the barmaids are real canny lasses.”
“That’s very generous.” Says the Englishman. “We have a thing similar to that at my local in London but the landlord treats us much better. After only three pints the forth one is free. And the barmaids are all topless.”
The Irishman looks on interestedly and not to be outdone he joins in. “There is a pub in Dublin where all the drinks are free and at the end of the evening you can have as much sex as you like.”
The Englishman and Scots man look on disbelievingly. “Surely Paddy you are making this up. Have you ever been there? How do you know it actually exists?”
The Irishman has to admit, “No I have never been there but I do know it is for real.”
“Well how do you know that?” the others reply.
He answers, “It’s my sister’s local.”

*** DVLA NEWSFLASH ***

In order to assist other motorists to identify potentially dangerous drivers,it is now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and/or driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (comprised of a red cross on a white background)will be attached to the top of a door of their vehicle. For drivers of exceptionally low mental ability addition flags are required.

*** WARNING ENDS ***

An accident in a goldmine resulted recently in the hospitalisation of one of the miners there. After a long battle against illness the Consultant took the regrettable decision to amputate his left leg as there was nothing he could do any more to save it.

After the operation, the patient was naturally upset at losing his beloved limb.

"What am I going to do for a living now?" he lamented,

Who in the world would ever want a one legged gold digger?


"I do!" came the voice, in the background, of Paul McCartney.

> Canada Pension Plan
>
> Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office. She listened to the whole story and then
said, "You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability, too."

A Rangers supporter, a Celtic supporter and a black man are in a hospital.

All of their wives are about to deliver.

They are nervous and anxious and talking to each other to calm down.

After a while the doctor walks in and announces that all of their wives gave birth to healthy baby boys all within minutes of each other.

The men start celebrating and congratulating each other, but then the doctor says, "But I have a bit of bad news", the men fall silent.

He continues, "The nurse got confused and we don't know which boy belongs to whom".

At that the Rangers supporter man runs into the maternity ward and grabs the black baby screaming, "This one is mine!"

The doctor runs after him and says, "But sir, both you and your wife are white."

The Rangers supporter looks at him and replies, "Listen, one of the other two is a Celtic supporter, I am NOT taking any chances!"

Dear Mr Snowler,

So Paul and Heather have split.

Please remember there is a 3 yr old child involved and all you can do is make jokes about her false leg....


I think it's prosthetic.

I think lots of collective nouns were made up by some Victorian woman with too much time on her hands. Also see...www.ojohaven.com/collectives/

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and slaps the Brut on all over.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

A mans wife dies in Isreal whilst on holiday. the Official says we can bury your wife here for £150.00 or we can fly her back to the UK for £15000. The husband says I want her flown home. The official asks why pay all that money when you can recieve a perefectly good buriel here for £150.00? The husband replys, over 2000 years ago a man died in this country and in 3 days he rose from the dead. I just cant take the F-----g chance.

A man has great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"Incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final and not use it?"

"Well, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them!

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldino goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the Teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the Teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - England 1 (Dodgy Foot 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Here is a link which is fair funny, it may be that it is Sunday morning and fathers day... but have a look, and I thought the yanks to be lacking in humour !!..

http://www.eepybird.com/dcm1.html

Don't like diet coke anyway.. Cheers

Breaking news

It has just been anounced that Saddan Hussein has been found guilty and sentenced to be shot.
His last request is to choose his own firing squad.


He chose::

Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.

NEWSFLASH!

An England player has tested positive for drugs at the World Cup!

Theo Walcott was found to have traces of Tixylix in his blood sample.

Out on her royal yacht, the Queen was enjoying the sea air, when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The Queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops, with three lions on them, sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached
out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling... it was the Queen calling them to the yacht!

On reaching her, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the World Cup, but I see that you are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries".

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed, Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!".

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country".

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

Oops soz posted on wrong link... its the heat and probably senility?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so Sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried - "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"


The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

An american guy with his family walk into a burger bar & order some food....
"I'll have a double whopper with fries,
my wife will have the whopper meal,
& a kids meal for 'FAT HEAD' here!" - Slapping the boy around the head as he speaks..

A little purturbed, the guy at the counter takes the order, then hesitates to ask...
"Excuse me sir, may i.... ask why you called your son FAT HEAD, & then slapped him?"

"Wanna know why i called my son FAT HEAD! - Eah!? - I'll tell ya why!

A guy wants three things in this world.....
One... A nice Car! - See that nice 4x4 outside.... Well thats MY car!

Two... A Nice House! - See that new developemt down the street, well I OWN the nicest house on that new development!

Three - A Tight Pussy! - & I HAD a Tight Pussy, until FAT HEAD here came along!!! *SLAP*

BA released the following statement this morning regarding the increased security at British airports:

"I ain't getting on no plane fool".

Notice recently seen:

Please note this Bank is installing new Drive-Through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
**************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up and so forth and repeat as many times as required to align window with the ATM machine.
3. Set parking brake. Put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents and place on passenger seat to locate bank card.
5. Tell person you've been speaking to on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card into ATM.
9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip pointing the way the little picture indicates.
10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to see if PIN number is written there. Finally, search through your Address Book to find your PIN wrtitten on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN into ATM machine.
12. Press Cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward two feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Re-start stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release parking brake.

Pharmacology notes

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

A.M

If you scroll up 10 postings you will find something very similar.
Wouldn't it be interesting to track the paths of these jokes to see how long it took to go round the world and back to the start.
Robert

Why Are Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking,


"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"


The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Subject: The Missing Golf Ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that."

This is slightly rude!Please do not read if you are easily affended.

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

This is too good to keep to yourself!

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

This is slightly rude!but many of the words are suitable for the NHS. Please do not read if you are easily offended.

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking ********.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e. g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A Mc****. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mc**** with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person

SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

This one says it all.


Paddle your own canoe

It was resolved to have a boat race between a Japanese team and a team representing the National Health Service. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards the NHS team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the NHS team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team’s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later they concluded that ‘too many people were steering and not enough rowing’.

To prevent losing to the Japanese next year, the team structure was changed to three ‘Assistant Steering Managers’, three ‘Steering Managers’, one ‘Executive Steering Manager’ and a ‘Director of Steering Service’. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. The NHS laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to senior management.

Try this link for a good laugh (no disrespect to anyone in Manchester where this was filmed)

www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/flvplayer.s...rue&fs=true

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

Only really works if you were around in the eighties I suppose.

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last
few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that waswonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."



He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Again her husband says "Don't move, I'll be right back."



With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not mywife. She'snot my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday

To dispel all rumours of being a racist Jade Goody has decided to adopt the Muslim name that she was given whilst in the Big Brother house.
From now on she would like to be known as Yoffat Fooka.

Diet Coke & Mentos Mints experiment .

Listen to the music if you aren't in work