EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

Thanks BSM, for a wonderful idea. My neighbours will no doubt want to thankyou as well for such a creative idea.

Rumour has it that Calum Best was made a Millionaire on the sad demise of his father recently.

He took all the empties back.

Mad mary was speeding round the mental hospital as usualin her wheelchair.

Mad Joe stopped her and asked for her licence.

'S***' she said and sped off round another corner.

Mad Jim then stopped her and asked for her insurance.

'F***' she said and took off again at speed.

Rounding the next corner she met Big John standing stark naked with a massive erection.

'Oh No' she says 'Not the breathalizer again!'

WOMAN'S DIARY:


Wednesday 30th November 2005


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting
him - thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to
bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my
surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.





MAN'S DIARY:


Wednesday 30th November 2005

Swans lost..... Gutted! Devastated all day.

Got a sh*g though.

The Best Family revealed today that the actual burial of George had not actually taken place in Belfast due to intense media interest. They added that, in hindsight, the cremation in Hemel Hempstead had not gone to plan either.

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle". The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Got my sleeping tablets mixed up with my viagra last week. Ended up having 40 wa*ks!

I made the mistake of taking Viagra without any water, it got stuck in my throat. Had a stiff neck for a week!!!

Did you hear about the thirteen year old boy who took three Viagra tablets? He was rushed to hospital with third degree burns to his hand!

My grandad was the first person to die from an accidental viagra overdose. Took the undertakers three weeks to get the coffin lid on.