EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

George Bush must be olded than he looks! The title Queen (or indeed king!) of England went out of use is 1707

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road in the Highlands.

Suddenly, a brand new, bright red Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him. The driver, a woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier watch, steps out and asks the shepherd:

“If I can guess how many sheep you have can I keep one?”

The shepherd looks at the large flock and says, “Okay”.

The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60 Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on a high tech mini printer.

She studies the report and says to the shepherd:

“You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”

The shepherd replies:

“That is correct. You can have the pick of my flock.”

The woman packs way her equipment, looks at the flock and puts one in the boot of her Porsche.

As she is about to leave the shepherd says:

“If I can guess your profession will you return the animal to me?”

The woman thinks for a moment, and then agrees.

The shepherd says:

“You are an NHS Manager.”

“Correct” responds the woman, “but how did you know that?”

The shepherd replies:

“Simple. First you came without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don’t understand anything about the work I do, but interfere anyway –
NOW – CAN I HAVE MY DOG BACK? ! ! !

The Irish have identified a way of ensuring bird flu does not get to Ireland;

Bomb the canaries:)

Your jokes haven't improved then Max! Mine have fermented like a true fine wine ..... y'know the stuff Takis used to sell - Kokinelli I think it were called ?

What do you call a Black man who flies the plane?

“Don't know”

The Pilot (You Racist).

A.M

Collective Nouns

A billing of consultants
A body of pathologists
A brace of orthodontists
A cackle of modern matrons
A clench of sphincters
A colony of microbiologists
A dose of doctors
A smug of consultants
A destructive of nurses
A design of engineers
A geek of engineers
A greed of lawyers
A gross of f*rts
An incision of surgeons
An indecision of managers
A lie of politicians
A mixture of pharmacists
A palm of w*nkers
A prattle of cleaners
A prevarication of consultants
A sh*tload of troubles
A slice of circumcisions
A vision of optometrists


Any others to add to the list?

I nearly forgot
A superlative of EBME Techs!

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said, "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm getting a fax!"

God bless the Australian man
A woman sitting in an Sydney restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.
The woman shook her head ...No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her a*@e.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her throat and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it"!

Reasons Why Men Should Not Antagonise Women:-

Marriage Part 1
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're
here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)************************************
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)******************************
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
****************************************** Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man
decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is
ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Marriage (Part V) The Silent
Treatment**************************************
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his
flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It
is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

Dickie,

You can add "A sprain of Physiotherapists", "A purse of Accountants", "A dirge of Directors", "A spit (and rinse) of Dentists" and "An a*@e of administrators".