EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them!

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldino goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the Teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the Teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - England 1 (Dodgy Foot 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Here is a link which is fair funny, it may be that it is Sunday morning and fathers day... but have a look, and I thought the yanks to be lacking in humour !!..

http://www.eepybird.com/dcm1.html

Don't like diet coke anyway.. Cheers

Breaking news

It has just been anounced that Saddan Hussein has been found guilty and sentenced to be shot.
His last request is to choose his own firing squad.


He chose::

Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards.

NEWSFLASH!

An England player has tested positive for drugs at the World Cup!

Theo Walcott was found to have traces of Tixylix in his blood sample.

Out on her royal yacht, the Queen was enjoying the sea air, when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,
struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The Queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops, with three lions on them, sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached
out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling... it was the Queen calling them to the yacht!

On reaching her, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the World Cup, but I see that you are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries".

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed, Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!".

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country".

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

Oops soz posted on wrong link... its the heat and probably senility?

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so Sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried - "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"


The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

An american guy with his family walk into a burger bar & order some food....
"I'll have a double whopper with fries,
my wife will have the whopper meal,
& a kids meal for 'FAT HEAD' here!" - Slapping the boy around the head as he speaks..

A little purturbed, the guy at the counter takes the order, then hesitates to ask...
"Excuse me sir, may i.... ask why you called your son FAT HEAD, & then slapped him?"

"Wanna know why i called my son FAT HEAD! - Eah!? - I'll tell ya why!

A guy wants three things in this world.....
One... A nice Car! - See that nice 4x4 outside.... Well thats MY car!

Two... A Nice House! - See that new developemt down the street, well I OWN the nicest house on that new development!

Three - A Tight Pussy! - & I HAD a Tight Pussy, until FAT HEAD here came along!!! *SLAP*

BA released the following statement this morning regarding the increased security at British airports:

"I ain't getting on no plane fool".