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Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20286 29/01/07 1:39 AM
Joined: Jun 2000
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Huw Online Content OP
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Please continue the thread here ... smile

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20287 29/01/07 7:19 AM
Joined: Sep 2006
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Lee S Offline
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Pay attention ! Who knows when these bits of advice will come in handy!

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

when she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you 800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh

is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,

you will find glory."


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say


Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure,why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up !

Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there !


Lesson 6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20288 29/01/07 6:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 575
Chris Watts Offline
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Archie the Eskimo was driving over the frozen wastes when his car sputters and comes to a stop.

Rather concerned he decides to phone the Inuit AA.

The mechanic arrives and after looking under the bonnet suddenly looks up and exclaims "I'm afraid it looks like you've blown a Seal"

At which point Archie quickly replies "No that's just frost on my moustache"!

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20289 30/01/07 12:22 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Lee S Offline
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God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said


*

*


*


*


*


*


"What's a headache?"


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20290 30/01/07 2:57 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 148
Darth Welder Offline
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How do you a fat Bird into Bed?............Piece of Cake! shades

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20291 30/01/07 4:40 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 14
Bob Burs Offline
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d**kh**d?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"
Bob - www.woodenmen.co.uk

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20292 30/01/07 4:43 PM
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 14
Bob Burs Offline
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A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d**kh**d?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would sh*g you twice!"
Bob - www.woodenmen.co.uk

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20293 31/01/07 11:40 AM
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 167
rob Offline
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me " Oi, whats your disability mate?" I said 'Tourrettes, you C---, now F--- O--.

Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20294 05/02/07 3:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 745
Lee S Offline
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Have you heard that the turkeys in Suffolk thought that all their Christmases had come at once.


Don't forget "we've never had it so good".
Re: Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!) #20295 06/02/07 10:33 AM
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 92
Papa Doc Offline
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No, but I did hear that Bernard Mathews was doing culled turkey! shades

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