EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

The State of the NHS Explained

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following
conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.



Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again .

This also resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

Lee

You're wrong about Gloucester, there, Lee. We are proud to have the hard-working Mr. Parmjit Dhanda as our Labour MP. Sorry guys, if that's too much "politics" for you.

But we have had a fair amount of rain recently.

Sorry Geoff it was a joke!
See if you prefer this one:-


"Test for Dementia"

"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.








1. What do you put in a toaster?















Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.













2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?



















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.













3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?























Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.













4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germanyat the time was politically divided into West Germanyand East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germanyand West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?






























Answer: You don't bury survivors.













If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question..













5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to MilfordHaven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at MilfordHaven. What was the name of the bus driver?





























Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!













Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!









Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS:95% of people fail most of the questions!!


Lee

Lee - check out the...

more....

Two couples had been friends for a long time and one evening the husbands got together and suggested that they swap partners for the night. When first suggesting this to their wives, at first one wife didn't think it was a good idea but the other wife had a chat and to her husbands surprise quickly rushed off with her new partner.

Later that night the first wife who had been hasitent sat up in bed said, "My God! That was just wonderful, but ....

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband

"I must confess darling, I used to be a hooker!"

"That's alright dear" he says "Your past is your past, and I have to admit I find it a bit erotic. Tell me about it!"

The wife says " Well, my name was Nigel and I used to play for Wigan...."

What men want....

A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest
girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a
Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship
sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,

nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat
wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side
of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much
but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and
they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged
their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She
beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins
suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for
many months.

You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel
like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into
his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.


"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

How to impress a woman:
Wine her, dine her, call her, hug her, hold her, surprise her, compliment her, smile at her, laugh with her, cry with her, cuddle her, shop with her, give her jewellery, buy her flowers, hold her hand, write love letters to her, write poetry for her, go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.


How to impress a man:
Show up naked, bring beer.

Lee

A friend approached a garage owner for a job. "I'm the best mechanic you will ever employ. I can tell the make and year of any vehicle and tell you what's wrong with it, just by listening to it." So the chap blindfolded him, and ran the engines of the cars awaiting repair.

"1998 Mondeo 1.8, tappets need adjusting."

"2002 Daewoo 1.6, timing is 2 degrees too advanced and choke is part on."

"2001 Mercedes 2.2, perfectly OK, must be in for an oil change."

And so it went on and every diagnosis checked with the job sheets. So the boss led him by the toilet. He flushed it and emptied a bucket of nuts and bolts over a steel workbench.

"1967 VW camper, perfect running order."

Baked beans..........
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some mo nths later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freed om, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!