A really fat and ugly woman with two children walks into ASDA and is welcomed to the store by the ASDA greeter "Good morning madam are your children twins?" asks the greeter.
The woman is rather irrate by this "Of course there not twins one of them is six and the other is eight"
The greeter replies "I just thought i would ask"
"Why would you ask?" replies the woman very angrily.
"I cant believe someone would have sex with you twice" replies the greeter.
The doctor is talking to the elderly patient: "There is a water in your knee, a sand in your urine and stones in your kidneys." - "Come on, doc, tell me there is a cement in my sack and I can start building!"
I'm going to be taking part in a charity bike ride to raise funds for Mute Tourette's Syndrome. A friend of mine has a 6 yr old son that suffers from this and we are raising funds to pay for a year's therapy.
Mute Tourette's Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more 'famous' sister-disease, 'Tourette's Syndrome', and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.
While a child suffering from Tourette's has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourette's suffers a worse fate, and is unable to express their true feelings.
The Mute Tourette's Foundation is using radical new art therapy techniques to help combat the frustration and loneliness of Mute Tourette's. However, their work can only continue with your help.
Just £0.25 will keep a child supplied with crayons and paper for a whole day. £1.50 will provide them with enough art supplies for a week. I would be extremely grateful if you were able to help such a deserving cause.
Attached is a picture to demonstrate how the donations received so far have been put to good use
Ain't that the truth! (I especially like No.4, myself).
You should always take a good look at your potential mother in law before getting too "attached". Cuz that's what you'll be getting yourself in not so many years. So, if the old gal looks like a dog, maybe things will turn out OK after all!
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
