EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

At a local dance, a guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".
She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".
She says, "Yaaah but in Sveden we usually put more meat in it."

There was this bloke driving down the motorway in his sports car, when a three legged chicken went running past him, at 100 mph, so he put his foot to the floor and, at 110mph, the chicken ran past him again and into a barn, so he followed it. He asked the farmer, “Did you see a three legged chicken come in here?” “Sure did”, said the farmer”. Well how come they have three legs?” said the driver. “Well”, the farmer said, "the wife and I likes a leg and the boy likes a leg too, so I breed them” said the farmer. “Well what do they taste like?” asked the driver. “I don’t know” said the farmer “I’ve never caught one yet.“

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so, you lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brutes of engines, but I asked you to raise your trayzee-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up!"

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,"Those little b#st#rds..."

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks, and that's why alcohol is so good for you!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and half a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a two books - 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of this country and its Members of Parliament!

An Irishman, an Australian and a Scouser are all in a bar. Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the Scouser looks up and sees Jesus standing at the bar. So with that they all buy Jesus a drink. The Irishman buys him a Guinness, the Australian buys him a Foster’s, and the Scouser buys him a bitter.
After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands. He shakes the Irishman's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell, Jesus, that bad back I've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis I've had for 20 years has just disappeared!"
Jesus goes to shake the Scouser's hand, but he backs off, saying, "No way, I’m on disability benefit!"

First day driving a cab

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

Computer Women

1. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.

2. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

3. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only your basic needs.

4. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun.

5. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.

6. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

7. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

8. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.

9. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

10. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.