EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

How come you forgot DOS Woman, Alan? ...

... you know, plain and simple, but still gets things done.

And BASIC Woman ...

... she gets you all excited at the beginning, but leaves you cold when you realise her limitations.

Or, even, V-B Woman ...

... she may look pretty on the face of it, but is ugly and bloated underneath.

(I could probably continue, but I guess that's enough)

nice ones Geoff , good thing the wife doesn't browse here or I'll be in hot water because of #10. Anyway, the following can get me excommunicated ...



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The Father and the Frog

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My
Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn- looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you
might tell me your troubles."

The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a
curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."

"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"

"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted
and I'll be back to normal."

"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.

That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence..

The Unlucky Driver


A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

A man walks into a brothel slaps £500 on the counter and asks for a bacon sandwich and the ugliest woman they have.

The madam says "for that money you can have the prettiest women and a three course meal".

The man says "I'm not horny I'm homesick!"

Lee

Plans to make the new series of CSI in Hereford have been scrapped after producers discovered that no one has any dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

Lee

A man staggers home from the pub and takes his wife upstairs to the bedroom and strips her naked. He then asks her to do a hand stand in front of the full-length mirror, whereupon he parts her legs and places his chin on her private parts and looks in the mirror.
The wife asks "what kinky tricks have you got in mind?"
He replies, “The guys down the pub were right - I do suit a goatee beard!”

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes. As she did this, she let out a big fart.
She looked up at her husband and said, "Scuse prease, front hole so happy, back hole whistle!"

God walks on Earth. He passes the Czech republic and says: If you, people, don't stop all these stealings, I will press the red button next year and you all will come the hell. After that, he passes the USA and says: If you, people, dont stop all the smoking, I will come next year, press the red button and all the US will come the hell. Then he visits China and says: If you, people here, don't stop making all these faulty gadgets, I will be back next year, press the red button and you all will come the hell.
...

Next year, God is passing the Czech republic, no robberies there, passing the USA, no smoking there. He is arriving China and see nothing better. He rages at Chinese and says: I've told you something last year! Now, you are going the hell! He presses the red button and nothing happens. Then he looks at his device closely and there is a small sign: MADE IN CHINA

Don't know if this is just a coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken
Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse
Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig
Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

It gets worse........next year.....

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock

What could possibly go wrong?

The Appearance Of Satan

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.