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Frequently Asked Questions About Childbirth

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, But pressure. Is she right?
- Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
- Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is In labor?
- Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
- Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, Biomeds, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
- Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
- In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
- Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
- It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
- Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
- With any luck, right after he finishes college.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
- If it's the flu, you'll get better.

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall additional copies of the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

At Christmas i bumped into a man crying uncontrollably in a Shopping centre.

All he could talk about was how he hates this time of year, having to dress in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people.

I said look Mr. Gerrard, you choose to play for Liverpool!

Lee

The Man Rules
At last a bloke has taken the time to write this all down


Finally,the guys' side of the story.
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!


1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or
cheryl cole

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laughs






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Not actually a joke - it's a review of a kids toy on Amazon.

Playmobil Security Check Point - Amazon review

That's good!

Following the link to see the toy itself, I noticed that Playmobil make other useful toys to help kids find their place in the world when they grow up:

http://www.amazon.com/Playmobil-3161-Safe-Crackers-Thieves/dp/B0002HY2R8/ref=pd_sbs_t_1

Moira

I wonder if the Paediatrcian comes with CRB clearance?

http://www.amazon.com/Playmobil-4406-Pediatrician-with-patient/dp/B000EMFAXG/ref=pd_sim_t_8

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

An American man was seated next to a little Palestinian girl on the airplane, when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'. The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger: 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the American. 'Since you are Palestinian, how about nuclear power?' And he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first'.

'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The American, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.'?

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power... when you don't know [censored]?'