EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Teflon
Try putting it in perspective - percentage increases on what numbers!!?? NHS Managers account for 1% of the total NHS budget whereas nurses, doctors and other staff account for a great deal more.

??? Jokes ???

Tony - back to the jokes:-

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

You are so right Kawasaki - some perspective.....

1,432,000 NHS Staff in 2009, of which number 44,660 were managers and senior managers.
Sir David Nicholson, NHS Chief Executive, said “Although there has been a large percentage rise in the number of managers, overall they make up just 3.5 per cent of the NHS workforce."
Nurses were 375,500 - some 26% of the workforce. Their average salary was £29,200.
(Figures courtesy of The NHS Information Centre)

Directors of NHS trusts England received average pay increases of 6.4 per cent last year, far exceeding the Government’s 2.2 per cent pay rise for nurses and midwives, and its 2 per cent target for other public servants.

Since 1997 the average earnings of NHS chief executives have increased by 98 per cent compared to 50 per cent across the public sector as a whole.

The median salary for a chief executive of a NHS Foundation Trust stood at £157,000 for the year to March 2008, compared with £132,600 for a chief executive of a non-foundation NHS Trust.
(Figures courtesy of The Incomes Data Services (IDS), independent market analysts)

Approximately 60% of the NHS budget goes on Staff Pay (20% on Drugs and Supplies, the remaining 20% split between buildings, equipment, training costs, medical equipment, catering and cleaning). That budget (in 2009) equated to nearly £2000 per head for every man, woman and child in the UK.
(Figures courtesy of The NHS Information Centre)

It's the nurses who give the bed-baths and the injections, its the medics who diagnose and cut us open to fix our problems. They are "the coal-face", the blood-flecked, vomit-stained smiling faces that treat us mere mortals. And I support them to the hilt against management every time. But that is to entirely miss the point.....

I just thought it was a bit of a joke that management keeps boosting it's numbers and bumping up it's own pay whilst the workers that actually "do" the NHS day-to-day stuff pay the price.

I think this is under the wrong section, but....
Do not mix up senior managers and Directors and Chief Executives. All managers and senior managers are on AfC bands, the same as nurses and ancillary staff and are subject to the same conditions and restrictions.
However, in slight defence of Chief Executives, would a CEO of a private company with a turnover of greater than £200m be on a salary of £157k??
Lastly, is it right for nurses and doctors to concentrate on treating patients or managing budgets, targets and services commissioned?

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South
Pacific, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
Two French men and one French woman.
Two German men and one German woman.
Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
Two British men and one British woman.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a ménage à trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking
and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant,
and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply
more employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However,
they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body,the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she
can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look
fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the
root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell
phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can
get her nails done and go shopping.

Dammitall Tony - you didn't tell us about the Yemeni men and woman, or the Philippines contingent, nor the Bangladeshi and not a single word about the Ugandan woman with her two men (refugees from Rwanda), one Hutu, one Tutsi, or the group from the Holy Land even..... man - there's some real funny stuff there but WHAT a minefield.....

.....talking of minefields - what do you call a monkey in a minefield?










A Baboom

OK - you each get a line each to carry the joke on:-

A biomed walks into the Rukn Al Murabaa Mall, 1 Street Muraba, Riyadh, and asks the pharmacist for.....

Peptol Bismal?

To which the pharmacist says "I've only got two miniature fireman with tanks full of Gaviscon, will that do?"

Twelve Italian priests were about
to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line
up in a straight row, totally nude,
in a garden while a sexy, beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced
before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached
to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before
the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his
bell began to ring so loudly that it
flew off, clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came
to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring.