EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

TELEPATHIC WATCH

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and can't help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just brought this state of the art watch?
What's so special about it ?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now? "

"Well, it says you're not wearing a bra.."

The woman laughs and replies, "well, it must be broken then because I am wearing a bra !"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damm thing must be an hour fast !"

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b****, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

And one for our friends south of the border and out there in Aus.

Have you heard about the new Robert Green computer virus? You'll easily know if your computer has it as you won't be able to save anything......

1. Coffee Break
2. CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips.
When she walks into a room people say,
"Oh My God."

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now" said the Human Resources rep. during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our SECRETARIES has disappeared. Do any of you know what has happened to her?"
They all shook their heads saying "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others "Which one of you idiots ate the SECRETARY?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued.
"For four weeks we've been eating MANAGERS and no one noticed anything. But NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."


Lee

Oxo is making a stock cube to commemorate England in the 2010 World Cup. It will be white with red crosses and be known as the "Laughing Stock"

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine
early each morning.


As always, Snow White stayed home doing her
domestic chores.



As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their
lunch and carry it to the mine.



One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw
that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White
began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?
Hello!'



For a long while, there was no answer. Losing
hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is
anyone down there?'




Just as she was about to give up all hope, she
heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
singing;

ENGLAND FOR THE WORLD CUP

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.

Thought I'd share these:

Understanding Engineers: One

Two engineering students, one pushing a bike, were walking across a university campus when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway".

Understanding Engineers: Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. (my personal favorite)

Understanding Engineers: Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers: Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers: Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The
graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The
graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers: Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers: Seven
An engineer was crossing the road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to." Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES
>>
>>
>>
>> The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
>>
>> Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
>>
>> productive salesmanship.
>>
>>
>>
>> Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
>> said
>>
>> proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
>> and
>>
>>
>> I credit that approach for my obvious success."
>>
>>
>>
>> "Very good," said the teacher.
>>
>>
>>
>> Little Jenny was next:
>>
>>
>>
>> "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
>> that
>>
>> magazines would keep them up on current events."
>>
>>
>>
>> "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
>>
>>
>>
>> Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
>>
>>
>>
>> The teacher held her breath ...
>>
>>
>>
>> Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
>> of
>>
>> cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
>>
>>
>>
>> "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
>>
>>
>>
>> "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
>> tooth brushes to make that much money?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip
>> &
>> Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
>>
>>
>>
>> They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog [censored]!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Then I would say,"It is dog [censored]. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
>>
>>
>>
>> "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for
>> free,
>> and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

Have i got this right?

Brazil v Portugal on Tuesday

Germany v Paraguay on Wednesday

And England meet France at the airport on Saturday

Lee