EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

The opinion polls are going crazy with this election looming the results of the latest shows that six out of seven dwarfs are not happy.

Lee

I bumped into the boot of a car this morning. We both stopped, glass and plastic shards all over the road. Slowly the driver got out of the other car and (I could NOT believe it) he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

I looked down at him and said.....
"Well, which one ARE you then?" - and THAT'S when the fight started, officer.

Financial planning - rule No. 1
> >
> >
> >
> > Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
> >
> > When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
> >
> > One evening, at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
> >
> >
> >
> > Her natural beauty took his breath away.
> >
> >
> > "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
> >
> > Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother...
> >
> > Women are so much better at financial planning!! than men.
> >

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit
heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..


Today you voted!!!'

.
.
Aaaaargh - Tony, that would be SO funny.....
.....if it wasn't so bloomin' TRUE!!!
.
.

Mr. Know-it-all.
Fascinating facts, I think!






The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for



Blood plasma.

********************************* ******************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half



more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

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Donkeys kill more people annually



than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )

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You burn more calories sleeping



than you do watching television.

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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

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The first product to have a bar code



was Wrigley's gum.

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The King of Hearts is the only king



WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive



from each salad served in first-class.

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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.



(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)

(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

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Apples, not caffeine,



are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

************************************ ***********************************

Most dust particles in your house are made from



DEAD SKIN !

************************************************************************ ****

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.



So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

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Walt Disney was afraid



OF MICE!

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PEARLS DISSOLVE



IN VINEGAR !

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The three most valuable brand names on earth:

Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...



but, not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo,



and no one knows why.

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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.



(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

***************************************************

And the best for last....



Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So......................



Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on

......and go move your toothbrush !!!

Ahhhh, rug.....

Knowledge consists of knowing that a tomato is a fruit,
wisdom consists of not putting it in a fruit salad.
(Miles Kington)

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster
than I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper
on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
you do with a six-foot a***hole?"


To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00 and 3 points
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

A police officer staked out a pub widely known for drink-driving offenders. At closing time, he saw a bloke stumble out of the pub, stagger across the pavement, fall over the curb and then, singing loudly, try his keys in half a dozen different cars before finding his own.

The man then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes until he fell fowards, passing out on to the horn, which woke hime up, only to continue trying to start the car.

Meanwhile, the pub emptied and the patrons drove off in ones and twos, and the pub lights went out.

Finally the drunk started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was ready and waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street the officer stopped him and, filling in the paperwork, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight is my turn to be the designated decoy."

What do you get if you cross PMS with GPS?

A crazy woman that will always find you