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One Day At The Doctor's Office...


An elderly couple showed up at the doctor's office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "We'd like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything's all right."

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything's fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way.

The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"

liii

Good one Louis. Keep them rolling.

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusal pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet down to the pub for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "would you like to go to the pub for a beer?".
But there was no reply from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "how about going down the pub and having a beer with me?".
But again, there was no reply from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go down the pub and have a beer with me?".
...A little voice came from within the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f*cking shoes on".

Cheers

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first
words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man,
one giantleap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by
millions.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark
"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck,
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions
following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to
Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong
felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball
with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in
his neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and
Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon."

True story.

Who's in charge?

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge, " said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated,the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?


The ass hole is usually in charge

-------------------------
Smoking in the rain
-------------------------

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. one of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: what's that?

Lady 2: a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: where did you get it?

Lady 2: you can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80
years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, son, as long as it fits a camel."

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW!
The women immediately leans out of her window and yells, TOSSER!
They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: If only women would listen.

Optician talking to patient...

"You'll have to stop w*nk*ng"
"WHY? Will I go blind?"
"No, but you're upsetting the others in the waiting room!"

A tramp walks through the park one day and finds ten pounds, thank you God he screams, overjoyed he rushes to the nearest pub. Landlord give me as much cheap and nasty beer that this ten pounds will buy...The land lord gives him as much swill as he can drink, the tramp now totally blooted, stumbles via the curry house for a vindaloo and back to the park where he collapses under a park bench...(great night)

That night two homosexuals wandering through the park, spot the tramp lying unconcious and decide to have their wicked way with him. When finished, they feel terribly guilty and so put twenty pounds into his pocket...

The very next morning the tramp wakes up stretches, yawns and puts his hand into his pocket and finds twenty pounds..Thankyou Lord he screams and rushes off to the pub...Landlord give me as much cheap beer that twenty pounds will buy ..At the end of the night he follows the same routine curry, and collapses under the park bench...

That same night the homosexuals return and cannot believe their luck, so again they have their wicked way, and again place twenty pounds into his pocket before running off...

The next morning the tramp goes through the same process and again screams and thanks God for his luck when he finds twenty pounds, he rushes off to the pub and asks the barman for a bottle of his best red wine and a cheese sandwich, puzzled the barman asks what was wrong with the cheap beer?

well says the tramp, i'm glad you asked that question, granted it does the trick and I get totally blooted, but its just that I really suffer the next morning with a thick head, a sore arse and a funny taste in my mouth

Sorry Lads, I know it slightly politically incorrect but where would the world be without the Englishman, the Irishman, the Scotsman, and the Welshman..........here goes...

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun.

After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in an old sack against the barn wall.

The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks.

He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''meow''. "Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''. "Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''