EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

A priest in a small country town decides he needs a companion and purchases himself a talking parrot. Things go well for the priest, the parrot provides companionship and even sits on the pulpit and helps with the sermon on Sundays.

One Saturday whilst preparing the sermon for the next day the priest hears a terrible squawking and clucking form the chicken coup. Upon investigation the finds the parrot has somehow made his way into the chicken coup and is having his way with one of the chickens.

The priest is very upset and lets the parrot know in no uncertain terms that this is not on, and as punishment the parrot has to sit in the first row with the parishioners during the sermon. The parrot does not help with the sermon but just sits in the first row mumbling obscenities to himself.

The next Saturday the same thing happens again, the parrot is severely chastised and instead of sitting in the front row the parrot must sit in the last row where no-one else sits. As an afterthought the priest tells the parrot that if this ever happens again he will pluck all of the feathers from the parrot’s head.

That Sunday the parrot spends a very miserable hour and a half up the back by himself. By the end of the sermon some of the parishioners are starting to wonder if the parrot is developing some form of avian Tourette’s Syndrome.

The following Saturday there is a huge ruckus from the chicken coup, and the priest finds the parrot at it again. In a fit of rage the priest carries out his threat to pluck the plumage from the parrot’s head, and to add insult to injury the parrot has to sit in the back row again.

That Sunday the parrot is sitting in the back row in a very black mood. About 5 minutes into the sermon an old man enters the church and heads toward the front to find a seat. The parrot sees the old man and shouts out “HEY YOU BALDY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING, US CHICKEN F&$#ERS GOTTA SIT UP THE BACK” .

Two ships have collided out in the Atlantic

One was carrying Red paint the other Blue

The crew were marooned

Could it happen here?
You bet!!
Received from my friend in Arizona:

Subject: Only In America…………..

1. Can a pizza get to your house faster than an
Ambulance.

2. Are there handicap-parking places in front of
a skating rink.

3. Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98 and XP, you have to click on
"Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box (that is really orange) that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (butwouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate Machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Stupid but funny.........
>
>
> After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By
> the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
>
> P: The problem logged by the pilot.
> S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're there for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny.
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed

A middle aged lady is walking past the pet shop and spots a sign in the window 'fanny licking frogs for sale' I could do with one of them she says. Ten minutes later she rushes off home with her new frog.

lying on the bed later that day, naked with the frog along side her, nothing happens, she waits and waits and eventually realises that this frog will not cooperate. She races back to the shop extremely frustrated and angry.

The woman confronts the owner and demands her money back, I can not believe it he says, are you sure? this has never happened before.

He scratches his head and states 'I know what to do' we can sort this out right now, so he tells the woman to go upstairs and lie naked on his bed, he soon joins her with the frog which he places on a pillow next to her head, he then turns to the frog and says 'this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this'

Woman stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom as her husband lays in bed, she kits off, looks in the mirror and says " I'm fat, I'm ugly, my knockers are drooping and I've got a saggy arse, as my husband you should be able to find something to compliment about me"

The husband pipes up......

"Your eyesight is f**king spot on!"

Boom-boom.

This is a really bad one and hope it has not been sent before.

A man took his parrot to the vet saying that it wasn't very well. The vet examined it and pronounced it deceased. The owner wasn't satisfied and asked for a second opinion.

The vet called in his cat who scratched the parrot and confirmed the diagnosis. The owner still wasn't satisfied and called for a third opinion.

The vet called in his Labrador who sniffed the parrot and confirmed the opinion of the others. The owner at last pronounced himself satisfied whereupon the vet presented him with a bill for £150.

The man protested at the amount of the bill but the vet told him that the bill was perfectly reasonable - after all the parrot had had a cat scan and a lab report.

A man is sitting in the bar, when a good looking woman sits down, next to him.
After a while she says Hi Bob
Do I know you? Bob replies
You sure do Bob, it's Frank, your best friend
My God Frank, is that really you?
I went to Sweden and got a sex change
Wow, it's amazing, the makeup, new hair colour, sure had me fooled.
You really are a woman, tell me something, does it hurt when they cut your PENIS off?
Yeah, that hurts, but I'll tell you, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as when they stick that metal tube into your head, and suck half your brains out.
:p

A taxi driver is driving down a New York street, when he sees a nun stood at the side of the road. She flags him down, and he pulls over and says "Hop in Sister! Where to?"
She asks to go to Brooklyn, and he says: "That's a long way sister. Mind if we talk?"
Nun:"Of course not my son, what's on your mind?"
TD: "It's this celibacy thing... don't you ever like, think about it?"
Nun: "Of course I do my son, I am only human and subject to the temptations of the mortal flesh."
TD: "Well, would you ever like , think about, doing it?"
Nun: "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, incapable of having children, and unmarried...."
TD: "Sister, this is your lucky day - I'm all three! Hop up front and give us a blow job?"
So the nun hops up front, and gives the driver a blow job. When she comes back up, he starts laughing, and she asks him what he's laughing at.
TD: "Sister, you've been 'ad. I'm a Protestant, on my second marriage, with 4 kids."
Nun: "That's OK - my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have got down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?