EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

Sorry guys, this is painful...There was once this man who was about to go away on holiday. Being the religious type, he called at the church to ask the priest to gave him some holy water to take with him. As the man was about 200 yards down the road a hare ran out into in front of him. He tried to brake but there wasn't enough space so he ended up squashing the unfortunate creature flat! He got out of the car to see if it was alive. He saw it wasn't, got out his holy water and sprinkled a few drops onto the hare. He was astonished when it suddenly jumped up and ran down the road. To make the situation even more peculiar, it turned and waved at him every few yards. The man was astounded by the miracle he had just witnessed. He went back and told the priest, who started to laugh. He said 'I gave you the wrong bottle. That wasn't holy water. It was hair restorer with a permanent wave

Seymour

Apparently Frank Bruno was caught today with his dick stuck between two dry biscuits.

The Doctors reckon he's f**king crackers!

Boom-boom.

wo women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught
short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested
they do their Business behind a head stone or something. One of
them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was
wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin
hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath
that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with
that.They then made off for home. The next day one woman's husband
phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our
wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."
That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between
Her arse that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

"Two" even should check first ! LOL]

Worlds Funniest Joke (Aparently according to CNN)
CNN

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Subject: United Language

Official note - united language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k".
This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Zen ve vil rul ze vurld!!

Hey Mark,
Page one of this thread - joke #4

H.

Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Sorry should have put this on with the last one (sorry to all blondes) :p :p .....

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready? this is a beauty ...)


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Sorry Huw i was sent this joke thought I'd heard it before !!