EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes!!

A termite walks into a pub and says "is the bartender here?" :p

I was talking to my mate the other day and happened to mention my wife was getting a bit fat and ugly, he said "you should do what I did when my wife went to seed", "what was that" says I. "Well get her to take up a bit of exercise, I got my wife to go out walking", I said "that`s a good idea, tell me more". So he says "a week ago I told my wife she needed exercise and told her to walk 10 miles a day, and now she`s 70 miles away"

Here's one to brighten your Friday afternnon...

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and shouts "Hey Sheila, what he hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and you don't want to know me now. So now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real good sport too" and drives off.

Gotta love those Aussies...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle; But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian.
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie; But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family
and during a dinner you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''Toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend,
whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you later this evening."

The teacher passed out..

A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new line worker is hired and she reports for her first shift promptly at 08:00.
The next morning at 08:45, there is a knock at the Personnel officer's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast.
The Personnel manager decides to see for himself so they march together down to the factory floor. Rightly enough, when they get down there the line is so backed up there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the floor and at the end of the line the new employee is surrounded by Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marble and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel manager bursts in to laughter when he sees this but after a short while pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you may have mis-understood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"......

Q/ What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison??

A/ You can't wash your face in a Buffalo

BUSH JOKE.....

There that got your attention.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving his daily briefing to George Bush.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

True Story about Hell


The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.


As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is
that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby
proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

New “Agenda For Change” rules...............


Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the notice board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the hospital's mental health policy.


Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


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