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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were drinking and chatting late one night in a pub.
The Scots man reminisces ” If I was at my local in Glasgow, after 5 pints the landlord would give you a sixth one for free. And the barmaids are real canny lasses.”
“That’s very generous.” Says the Englishman. “We have a thing similar to that at my local in London but the landlord treats us much better. After only three pints the forth one is free. And the barmaids are all topless.”
The Irishman looks on interestedly and not to be outdone he joins in. “There is a pub in Dublin where all the drinks are free and at the end of the evening you can have as much sex as you like.”
The Englishman and Scots man look on disbelievingly. “Surely Paddy you are making this up. Have you ever been there? How do you know it actually exists?”
The Irishman has to admit, “No I have never been there but I do know it is for real.”
“Well how do you know that?” the others reply.
He answers, “It’s my sister’s local.”

*** DVLA NEWSFLASH ***

In order to assist other motorists to identify potentially dangerous drivers,it is now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and/or driving ability to display a warning flag.

The flag (comprised of a red cross on a white background)will be attached to the top of a door of their vehicle. For drivers of exceptionally low mental ability addition flags are required.

*** WARNING ENDS ***

An accident in a goldmine resulted recently in the hospitalisation of one of the miners there. After a long battle against illness the Consultant took the regrettable decision to amputate his left leg as there was nothing he could do any more to save it.

After the operation, the patient was naturally upset at losing his beloved limb.

"What am I going to do for a living now?" he lamented,

Who in the world would ever want a one legged gold digger?


"I do!" came the voice, in the background, of Paul McCartney.

> Canada Pension Plan
>
> Having reached the age of 62, I went to apply for Canada Pension last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Canada Pension Office. She listened to the whole story and then
said, "You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability, too."

A Rangers supporter, a Celtic supporter and a black man are in a hospital.

All of their wives are about to deliver.

They are nervous and anxious and talking to each other to calm down.

After a while the doctor walks in and announces that all of their wives gave birth to healthy baby boys all within minutes of each other.

The men start celebrating and congratulating each other, but then the doctor says, "But I have a bit of bad news", the men fall silent.

He continues, "The nurse got confused and we don't know which boy belongs to whom".

At that the Rangers supporter man runs into the maternity ward and grabs the black baby screaming, "This one is mine!"

The doctor runs after him and says, "But sir, both you and your wife are white."

The Rangers supporter looks at him and replies, "Listen, one of the other two is a Celtic supporter, I am NOT taking any chances!"

Dear Mr Snowler,

So Paul and Heather have split.

Please remember there is a 3 yr old child involved and all you can do is make jokes about her false leg....


I think it's prosthetic.

I think lots of collective nouns were made up by some Victorian woman with too much time on her hands. Also see...www.ojohaven.com/collectives/

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down.

But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and slaps the Brut on all over.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

A mans wife dies in Isreal whilst on holiday. the Official says we can bury your wife here for £150.00 or we can fly her back to the UK for £15000. The husband says I want her flown home. The official asks why pay all that money when you can recieve a perefectly good buriel here for £150.00? The husband replys, over 2000 years ago a man died in this country and in 3 days he rose from the dead. I just cant take the F-----g chance.

A man has great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"Incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final and not use it?"

"Well, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."