EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,
"I'd like to buy a horth"he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v*gina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says:
"Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"

What is the difference between the England football team and Lewis Hamilton?



Lewis has still got his McLaren.

Lee

And a ticket to Switzerland next year!

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"

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A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out. Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

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Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

Mick and Paddy are standing on top of a cliff. Mick has a budgie on his shoulder and Paddy has a parrot on his. Mick jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and Mick continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap. Paddy then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but Paddy quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend. Mick looks up and says, "Bejaysus, that budgie jumping isn't any fun".
Paddy replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either"
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An Englishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Englishman politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You English folk eat the whole bread?"
The Englishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ". The American had a smirk on his face. The Englishman listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Englishman replied "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to England."
The Englishman then asked, "Do you have sex in the states?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Englishman leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course."
Now it was the Englishman's turn to smile. "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

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A man goes to see a doctor, who is an eye specialist. He walks in to see him carrying a violin case under his arm. “What can I do for you?” asks the doctor.
“I’d like you to take a look at this”, the man says. He opens the case to reveal the biggest, smelliest turd the doctor has ever laid eyes on. “I passed that!” the guy tells the doctor.
“Right……well…….err…….shouldn’t you be going to see your normal doctor about that?” asks the doctor. “After all, I am an eye specialist and I don’t see how I can help you with that!” the doctor goes on.
“No you don’t understand,” says the man, “every time I pass one of those, it hurts so bad it makes my eyes water!!”

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I went to the chemist’s yesterday, and asked him “Have you got any cotton wool balls?” to which he replied, “What do you think I am, a bloody Teddy Bear?”

(and no-one mentioned Mohammed once!!!)

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should get some "Immac" hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some "Immac" hair remover. At the till, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady said "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said "Then stay off your bicycle for a week.

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Two fleas were having a reunion at Miami. The first one arrived in good order, but the second one arrived cold and shivering. “What’s wrong?” said the first, “You look bloody dreadful.”
The second flea said, “It was my trip down here. I was in the moustache of a Harley Davidson biker, and he drove down all the way here from New Jersey”.
“You should have done what I did,” said the first flea. “I went to the airport, had a couple of drinks and waited for an airline stewardess. When I found one, I jumped up her skirt, hooked onto her tights and burrowed through her knickers till I found a furry spot. It was warm and comfortable. You should try it next time.”
“OK” said the second flea, “I’ll give it a go.”
At the next reunion, the first flea arrived safe and sound, but the second one arrived cold and shivering. “I thought you were going to travel via a stewardess?”
“I did,” said the second flea. “I followed your method exactly. I went to the airport, had a couple of drinks, waited for an airline stewardess, jumped up her skirt, hooked onto her tights and burrowed through her knickers till I found a furry spot. It was nice and comfortable and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was in a Harley Davidson biker’s moustache!”

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A middle-aged couple were wandering around at the local agricultural show, when they came across the livestock exhibits. A section of it was devoted to cattle. The wife noticed a sign on a pen saying “This bull mated 12 times in the last year.” She nudged her husband, saying “Once a month. You could aspire to that.” The husband said nothing.
In the next pen was another bull, with a notice stating “This animal mated 52 times in the last 12 months.” The wife gently dug her elbow into her husband’s ribs, saying “Impressive - once a week! Why can’t you do that?” Her husband’s silence said everything.
In the last pen was a magnificent specimen, with a notice stating “This animal mated 365 times in the last year.” The wife couldn’t contain herself. “Why can’t you be like that?” she said, pointing to the notice.
“Probably”, said the husband, “because he didn’t do it with the same old cow!”

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the dust of the trail from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real trouble, and the cowboys turn to look at her.
“Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys.
"No”, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head - "No" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman's buttocks. This shocks the woman into a violent coughing spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

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Two inmates escaped from a psychiatric institution, evaded the guards and arrived in the centre of town. Being confined in the male side of the institution had left them with ‘certain’ urges, which they were keen to exercise. They chanced upon a launderette, where a number of ladies of the area were doing their weekly washes. The two escapees made forceful, passionate love to the ladies, before someone noticed them and summoned the police. However, before the constabulary arrived, the subjects of this discourse fled the scene. A newspaper journalist, reportedly working for the News of the World or the Sunday Sport, got hold of the story and successfully put it on the front page of his paper, under the headline……

NUTS SCREWS WASHERS and BOLTS

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A man walks into a Chemists shop, accompanied by his 12-year-old son. They happened to walk past a display of condoms, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” to which the father, matter-of-factly replies “Those are condoms, son. Men use them to practice safe sex”.
“Oh, I see”, said the son, a little apprehensively. “Yes, I’ve heard about them in Health classes at school”. He goes across to the display and picks up a pack. “Why do they come in threes?” he asked.
“They are for 6th form students”, replied his father, “ one for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night.”
“Cool”, responded his son, who then picks up a packet of 6. “Wow” he said, “Who buys these?”
“They’re for university students” replied his father. “Two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday night.”
“Amazing” said his son, “then who gets these?” he asked, picking up a 12-pack.
With a longing sigh, his father replied “They’re for married men, one for January, one for February, one for March………”

Paddy and Murphy are standing at the top of a cliff.

Paddy says "Murphy if i shine the beam of my torch down the cliff will you slide down it?"

Murphy says "don't be stupid! you'll turn it off when i'm half way down".

Lee

They’ve finished making love, and he’s propped up on an elbow having a cigarette. “Am I the first man you’ve ever made love to?” he asked.
“Yes”, she replied, “Your face DOES look familiar.”

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Some years ago, I flew to the USA, and on the flight over, a very attractive stewardess asked me, “Would you like some of our TWA coffee?” to which I responded, “No, but I’d love some of your TWA Tea!”

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An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial break, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I’ve no idea. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The cashier turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad – nice boobs."

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I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor came out of his surgery office, yelling "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

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The Creation of Mankind

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually, Gabriel the Archangel found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God “Where have you been?” God gave out a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, saying “Look, Gabriel…….. look at what I’ve just made.”
Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and asked, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet”, replied God,” and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place for Balance”.
“Balance?” queried Gabriel, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “Look, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe will be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot-spot.”
“Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different land-masses.
“And over there, I will call this place America. Northern America will be rich and powerful and cold, whereas South America will be friendly, hot but poor. And the bit between them is Central America, which will be another hot-spot. Can you see the balance?”
“Yes”, said Gabriel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe, "What's that one?"
"Ah", said God, "I’m going to call that Scotland. It will be the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful snow-capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people will make a drink called Uisge Beatha, or Whisky, which will mean "Water of Life". The people will be good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're will be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.
Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then said, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the b*st*rds I'm putting next to them!”

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There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try for the son that they wanted so badly.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and snarled, "Have you been fooling around on me?
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered he possessed the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"OH MY GOD!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

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Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number two samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three samurai?"

Number three samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!"

"Dead is easy," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Circumcision ... now that takes skill!"