EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Alex Ferguson is looking for a striker to add to his squad and hears about this young kid in Dagenham who has rattled in 50 goals in 25 games. He goes to see him, and true to form, the kid bangs in a couple of goals, so Fergie decides to sign him for Man U.
The kid arrives at Old Trafford and has a meeting with Fergie. Sir Alex asks him how much he was earning at Dagenham. The kid replies "I got £50 a week, with a bonus of a tenner for each goal".
Fergie replies "This is the Premiership now, son, you are playing for Man U, biggest club in the world. We'll pay you ten grand a week. Think big... remember, this is Man U".
The kid is impressed. Fergie asked him what kind of car he had at Dagenham.
The kid replies "We had a B reg Transit to do us all". Fergie said to him "This is Man U, son, I'll sort you out with a 5 series BMW. " Obviously, the kid is ecstatic.
Fergie says "What about digs?" The kid replied, "I stayed with my mum at Dagenham, I couldn't afford me own place"
Fergie looks at him and says, "Don't worry about it. I'll arrange a place for you next door to Giggsy. Remember this is Man U. Biggest club in the world. Think big". Fergie says "Right, now we’ve got that sorted out, I'm going to play you on Saturday. Remember, this is the Premiership, it's going to be harder and faster than any game you have ever had. But remember, just go out there, enjoy it, play your game. At half time, I'll pull you off."
The kid looks stunned. He eventually manages "At Dagenham, the boss only gave us an orange"

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A prostitute was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred quid, I guess!"

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A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It’s too hot. It’s too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can’t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma’am," the frustrated guide said, "but I’ve sat on it."

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A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the following question: "Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?" This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:

1) In Africa, no one knows what "food" means.
2) In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" means.
3) In Eastern Europe, no one knows what "opinion" means.
4) In South America, no one knows what "please" means.
5) In the US, no one knows what "rest of the world" means.

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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office, tells him what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his female secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you £18,750, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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Patrick wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?
Patrick : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Patrick : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of
beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Patrick : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Patrick : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Patrick : I've already got one rabbit at home!

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, but he minded his own damned business!"

One for your colection Naitch.....
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for His wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model It for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'My God! It wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is on Thursday

RETIREMENT BONUS, Navy Style

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'



It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.



'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Subject: New words for 2008

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking [censored].

* BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

* 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
'404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

A BRILLIANT ONE KWACKER! One or two I've heard before, but funny nonetheless. Let's see if I can do better...

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one day. They come to a busy junction, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the road, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the pavement on the other side of the road, whereupon the blind man pulls a biscuit out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a biscuit? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick its f#cking #rse." (Editor's note: Yeah, it's an old one, but still a good 'un!)

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A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"
She replied, "Last week."
The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"
"Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the cheque bounced."

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Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 nails down on the counter and asks the desk clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"

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One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, man. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my rucksack."

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A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject for the day was involuntary muscle spasm. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked one of the women: "Do you know what your #rsehole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, looking after the kids"

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive.

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A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.
"I've lost my mummy!" wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now, what's mummy like?"
"Big men and vodka," sobs the little fella.

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A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange habits. "All day long she lies in bed, eats yeast and sniffs furniture polish. What will happen to her?"
“Eventually", said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

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Three kids are playing in the street and get hit by a lorry. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."
The first kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" And so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Old Bailey.
The second kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The third kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy sod". 20 years later, he's playing in goal for Scotland...

12 of the finest double-entendres that have been aired on British TV & Radio


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that
nice The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'

11 Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

There are the two classic Cricketing howlers, both done by the late Brian Johnstone.

1) In the late seventies, New Zealander Glenn Turner was playing in a one-day match for his county (Worcestershire?) Whilst batting, his testicles received a direct hit from the 5th ball of the over. Despite wearing a protective box, Turner was 'caught' rather painfully and rolled around on the ground until the tears in his eyes dried up. When he was well enough to resume batting, he took his stance, whereupon Brian Johnstone utter the immortal phrase "One ball left!"

2) In 1980, the West Indies toured England. In one of the test matches, Peter Willey (now an umpire) was picked to play at least one match. One of the West Indians was fearsome fast bowler Michael Holding. With England batting, Peter Willey was at the crease, facing Michael Holding. When Holding started his run-up, Brian Johnstone came out with the line "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey!"

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

Troops

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who have been offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, the following list of 13 new and innovative 'TRY SAYING'
phrases have been provided so that a proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in a non-offensive manner.

1.

Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training

Instead Of:

You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.

Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:

She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.

Try Saying:

Perhaps I can work late

Instead Of:

And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.

Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:

F*** off a*se-hole

5.

Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of:

Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.

Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of:

Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.

Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:

Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8.

Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of:

What the f***?

9.

Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of:

No f***ing chance mate.

10.

Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:

Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.

Try Saying:

He's not familiar with the issues

Instead Of:

He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.

Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir?

Instead Of:

Oi, f*** face.

13.

Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway

Instead Of:

Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway