EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

This site has now deemed that I'm a SCHOLAR, after being a technologist. I never realised this was a demotion!!! :-)

Kawasaki has inferred that the quality of my jokes are on the wane, as they illicit groans rather than hysterical laughter. At my age, I'm happy with a groan - it's the total silence that I can't stand!!! I get that from the missus!

Anyway, to more important matters...


A jelly baby went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm worried I might have AIDS."
"What makes you think that?" Says the doc.
"Well," says the jelly baby, "I've been sh#gging all sorts."

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Q - Why did God invent thrush?

A - So that even single women know what it's like to live with an irritating tw#t.

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove into town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.”
“This morning, my alarm clock failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked myself out of the house, with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a ticket for speeding. Later, when I was about three blocks from the shop, I had a flat tyre. When I finally got to the shop there was a crowd of people waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of 10 pence pieces against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick them up AND the bloody phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a display of perfume bottles in it; half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

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A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
"Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London in a blizzard, and you were totally naked?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said... "What was the date again?"

A man named Jed has a job that subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Jed adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor. During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night.
Jed admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his mates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.
The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"
Jed told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.
"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.
"Sure I did," answered Jed. "Why, what's the matter?
"Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a bar bitch you ate."

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A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!?!? When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was p#ssed at the time."

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A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? ROME!!??!?!??" Why would anyone want to go THERE? It's crowded and dirty and FULL of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. How're you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a TERRIBLE airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste..."
"Don't go any further. I KNOW that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a DUMP, the WORST hotel in Rome! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. Whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ANT!!! Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman came in again for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "Oh, it was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked so they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were fantastic, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $5-million remodelling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really,” said the hairdresser, ”What'd he say?"
"He said: 'Where'd you get that crap hairdo?'"

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara by camel. On the 3rd day, a storm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm dies down, the camel has died.
"Well, Sister, this looks grim,” says the priest. "We can't survive 2 days out here, and we're a week from the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me? I've never seen a woman’s breasts, Sister. Could I see yours?"
The nun, a bit shocked, replies "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm". So she gets them out.
Then the priest says "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
Again, she consents. After a few minutes, the nun asks, "Father, could I ask something of you? I've never seen a mans "thingy." Could I see yours?"
"Ok" says the priest.
When she examined the priest’s organ she asks, "Can I touch it?" The priest agrees. After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's got a huge stiffy, and the priest whispers "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place it can give life?"
"Is that really true?" asks the nun
"Yes" the priest replies.
"Well stick it up that camels #rse, then we can get out of here!"

OK everybod peeps, this will be the last until next Thursday. The hospital, in its infinite stupidity, is sending me and a mate to Endoscopy UK in Lydney, Gloucestershire, to get trained up on Fujinon Endoscopy gear, so I'll put in a double dose of jokes.


A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."
So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"
"Hmmm.... maybe you should start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.
"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"
"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

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Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them.”
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady queried, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings," she replied.

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Larry goes to see his travel agent.
"Hey Larry,” says the travel agent, “going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need to ask for something different."
"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes."
"Well, could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can bring her with me?"

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A farmer lived just off a quiet rural road, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at quite an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the police station and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the desk sergeant.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"
So the next day he had the council workers go out and erect a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the police and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sergeant sends out the council workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sergeant, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sergeant told him, "Yeah, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sergeant got no more calls from the farmer. In fact, three weeks after the farmers last call, the he decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers?” asked the sergeant. “Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I’m very busy." And he put the phone down.
The sergeant thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So he drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

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A couple were sitting at a table in a Chinese restaurant when a duck comes up to the woman with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds."
The man called the waiter and said, "Waiter, I thought I asked for AROMATIC duck..."

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Two budgerigars were sitting in their cage watching their owner reading the newspaper. One says to the other, "You know, I'm worried about him."
"Why's that?" says the other budgie.
"Well, he just sits there for hours staring at a carpet."

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Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For £5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up a fiver.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend.
"It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for dried arrangement!"

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I heard that if you play the Windows XP CD-ROM backwards, you'll get a satanic message.
But, even more frightening than that, if you play it forward, it installs Windows XP!

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A guy went into the adult section of a department store to buy condoms. The female assistant told him, "We have the rainbow assortment on sale today, would you like those?"
The guy said, "OK, I'll take a box."
A few months later, he went into the women's clothing section and saw that the same female assistant had been transferred into the maternity section. The guy said, "I'd like to buy a maternity blouse."
The assistant asked, "What bust?"
To which he replied, "One of the sodding blue ones!!"

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The schoolteacher asked to class to give examples of words in the context of a sentence. When the word 'contagious' was given, little Timmy's hand shot up.
"When I had chicken pox, I had to be kept off school because it was contagious."
"Very good, Timmy," The teacher said, "can anybody else give another example?"
Johnny raised his hand. "My dad uses it in a different context," he said.
"Go on then, Johnny."
"Well, this man turned up to paint our house and all he had was a two inch brush. My dad said it would take the contagious."

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Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession.... to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.... but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes".
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath.
Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shoo-ed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King...

A man boarded an aircraft at Adelaide and took his seat, as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."



"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Welsh,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Dai."

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

''No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Did you pull the plug out or did you go for the bucket??

Lee

No, I hedged my bets ... and went for the tea-cup!

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The cashier turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad – nice boobs."

Lee

I put that last joke up a few weeks ago, Lee!

Anyway, I'm back! (Oh no, I hear you cry)

Paddy and Paddy went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which feckin' pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of de ears off my feckin’ pig, and den we can tell ‘em apart."
"Ah, dat’d be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said, "Your feckin’ pig has chewed the ear off my feckin’ pig. Now we got two feckin’ pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which feckin’ pig?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy, "I'll cut de other ear off my feckin’ pig. Den we'll ‘ave two feckin’ pigs and only one of them will ‘ave an ear".
"Ah, dat'd be grand," says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy", he said, "Your feckin’ pig has chewed the other ear offa my feckin’ pig!!! Now, we got two feckin’ pigs with no feckin’ ears!!! How we gonna tell who owns which feckin’ pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my feckin’ pig. Den we'll ‘ave two feckin’ pigs with no feckin’ ears and only one feckin’ tail."
"Ah dat'd be grand,” says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and.....yup.....you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FECKIN’ PIG HAS CHEWED THE FECKIN’ TAIL OFFA MY FECKIN’ PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FECKIN’ PIGS WITH NO FECKIN’ EARS AND NO FECKIN’ TAILS!! HOW DE FECK ARE WE GONNA FECKIN’ TELL 'EM APART???"
"Ah, feck it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

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Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.
"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes'" said Nigel
"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!"
So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall. Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Nigel?"
A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I’ll say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"

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This bloke gets a job at Edinburgh Zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but, sadly, it dies in the struggle and floats to the top.
"Oh sh#t!" thinks our man, “First day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits! What the hell am I going to do?” He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and, while no one is looking, he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! - a turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage, when - splat! - another turd hits him, and splat! - another makes a direct hit.
For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh#t and double sh#t!" thinks our man, “look what I've done now, what am I going to do?” So he thinks to himself, “the lions worked last time, maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they?” He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs them over the fence, where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again, our hapless worker goes to the zoo-keeper and asks what wants doing next. He is told to collect the honey from the American killer bees.
He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic, he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh#t, not again!!!" he thinks and, as you might have guessed, the lions eat anything, so, again, he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says, “how’s it going?”
"Alright," say the other lions.
"What’s it like here then?" asks the new lion.
"Not bad" say the other lions.
"Food OK?" enquires the new lion.
"Yeah, brilliant. Yesterday, we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"

Sorry Naitch, I thought it looked familiar.

Lee

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with biscuits, a few bottles of MacEwans and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they arrive, everyone's knackered.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the bottles of beer and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Roy. 'Roy, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Roy doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without a pint.
Joe and Steve beg Roy to turn back home and retrieve it, but Roy flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Roy to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Roy sets off, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Roy. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Roy, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Roy in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realises that Raymond probably skipped out to the McDonalds down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Roy pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I KNEW it! I'm not feckin' going...'


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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving it up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
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A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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A father hears his son in the bathroom masturbating. He barges in and yells, "Son, how many times have I told you not to do that? You'll go blind! Now stop it!"
The son replies, "I'm over here, Dad."