EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

This bloke with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is bloody good. You've graduated from the best colleges and courses. Your recommendations are great, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. But you must realise that a sales rep has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait, hold on a sec," he said. "I just have to take two aspirin, and I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and, within seconds, stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees flirting and womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemists, winking, and asked for some aspirin?"

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One day on a bus, there were two small boys and a middle aged lady. She sat reading her book but couldn't help overhearing the two small boys having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.
"It would be spelt 'W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B'," the first boy argued.
"No it’s not! It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'," retorted the other.
The lady leaned over unable to keep to herself and said, "Excuse me boys, but I think you'll find the word is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
The first little boy looked at the other, and then back at the lady, and replied, "You know lady, I very much doubt you've never even seen a hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one fart underwater!"

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An old couple married for 50+ years hadn't had sex in a very long time and the wife was getting very frustrated. One night when the old man was sitting on the couch watching the game she went into the bedroom and took of all her clothes except for a red towel that she put around her neck like a cape. She then leapt into the living room exclaiming, “IT'S SUPERPUSSY!!!!!!!!!!"
The old man replied, "OK, I'll take the soup."

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A guy, with a very black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh, and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately the guy sitting next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge breasts was there, so instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I said 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh', and she hauled off and hit me in the eye."
First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister accident too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the box of Cornflakes', but I accidentally said 'You've ruined my whole life you stupid, ugly bitch.'"

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus,
who had been a seafaring gent all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Mick says, "Do yern tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself
standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the
water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says,
"No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. "Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

Lee

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"Well, it's like this,” said the man, “yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of cigarettes and she came home with a pouch of tobacco and some cigarette papers. So, I figure… if I have to roll my own, so should she!"

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The doctor says, "Mr. Shapiro, I have some bad news and some very bad news."

Mr. Shapiro says, "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."

The doctor says, "The lab called with your test results. You have 24 hours to live."

Mr. Shapiro says, "Twenty-four hours? That's terrible! What could be worse?"

The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

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A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the specialist.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

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Schwartz goes to see his Rabbi. He says, "Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi says, "I'll tell you what...let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Schwartz and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for four hours."

Schwartz says, “Do you have any advice?"

The Rabbi says, "Yeah. Take the poison."

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b#st#rd!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f#cking b#st#rd!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now, is there a problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b#st#rd. And every time I asked to borrow a f#cking hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two #rseholes."

"What?? He had two #rseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two #rseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy wid dem two #rseholes...."


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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."


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An attractive young lady went into an "Ann Summers" shop and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too close!" embroidered on her panties and bra.

Yes madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

Braille," she replied.


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A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed.

As she washed down the woman's body, the sponge came close to her pubic hair.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well.

Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

They called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement.

When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband might like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction.

"I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oh dear," he said, "I think I’ve choked her."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from London to Edinburgh.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five quid, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a £5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references... no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the British Library... no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.

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There's this bloke who has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry.

So he decides to give each of them £5,000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first woman goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells yer man: "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second woman goes out and buys some new golf clubs, a DVD player, a wide-screen TV and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says: "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third woman takes the £5,000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5,000 to your man and re-invests the rest. She says: "I'm investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The bloke thought long and hard about how each of the women had spent the money and then decided to marry the one with the biggest knockers.

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A police officer pulled a female driver over and asked to see her driver's licence.

After looking it over, he said to her: "Madam, it stipulates here on your licence that you should be wearing glasses."

"I have contacts," the woman replied."

"Look missus, I don't care who you know.." ...snapped the officer.

"You're getting a ticket."

Two nuns go on a shopping trip to France, to load up with duty free. On the way back they are just going to drive through 'Nothing to declare' but a customs officer waves them in to the side.

The first nun says to the mother superior, who is driving, "Don't worry mother, just show them your cross."

So she winds the window down, leans out and shouts, "F#ck off you b#st#rds!"

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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric toy train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, ‘cause this is the last stop! And all of you sods who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going....NOW!"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage above your seat, in the luggage racks provided. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "And for those of you who are p#ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the f#cking cow in the kitchen."


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A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying, "I don't know how he did it!"

Finally the doctor managed to remove the little car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the same matchbox car shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "Now I know how he did it!"

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A guy walks into the bar and orders a drink and the barman notices the extreme smallness of his head. He asks, "Excuse me for being nosy but why is your head so small?


The guy says, "It’s a long story. When I was in the Navy, I was looking overboard while en route to Europe and noticed a mermaid in distress.

I threw her a life buoy and pulled her up on deck. In her gratitude she granted me one wish. Well I have been out to sea for some time and I first asked her for some sex. She replied that she would love to but the bottom half of her was fish and that was highly impossible. So then I asked her for a little head.”

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.


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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh......Killed any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

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This young bloke comes home from university all excited to tell his mum he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says: "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful girls and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.

He then says: "OK Mum, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mum, you're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

OK fellow EBMErs and EBMEsses (have I left anyone out?), this will be my last set of jokes for a week, as I'm on holiday as from lunch-time today. Normal service will resume next Tuesday (25th March). Das Vwydanya!

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down at a table and the man goes to the bar and says, "A pint of Bitter for myself, a rum and coke for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat.”
The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway.
Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A rum and coke for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat."
The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks.
This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately buying rounds of drinks, but the cat keeps his hands (paws?) in his pockets. By the end of the evening the barman asks the man, "Look, what’s the story? I’ve got to know, why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?"
"Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and Genie came out and said, ‘Oh thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.'”
"So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."




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An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at his bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed £10,000 for the new church, so I only threw in £20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount."


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Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an aeroplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow drops big patties and the horse expels clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#t?"



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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and slightly alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."


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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight -Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."


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A teacher was working with a group of children trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavours than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher, "it's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which part of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which part of the body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, she’s in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say.
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework, and
Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the barman to see him. The man next to him calls for the barman saying, "I'll have another Waterloo." The barman gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says, "I'll have a Waterloo too."
The barman gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the barman and says, "Well, it is water...right Lou?”

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A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost £1000 down, and payments of £450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

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A veterinary surgeon had been busy all day tending to one emergency after the next. Luckily for him, when he finally got home from tending to all these sick animals, his wife was waiting with the martini pitcher and a cosy candle-lit dinner.
After dinner, the couple had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 a.m. the phone rang.
"Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is," replied the vet. "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of," said the elderly lady. "There's a whole bunch of cats up on the roof making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do to get them to stop?"
The vet patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone."
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"It ought to," said the vet, "it stopped me!"