EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin " etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "To be perfectly truthful," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realise that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers this door.
This nun instructs, "Please place £50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets £50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign, saying:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

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Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

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Little 4-year-old Linda woke up in the middle of the night when she heard strange, groaning noises coming from her mummy & daddy’s room next door. Linda slowly walked up to their closed door and squinted through the keyhole. In the dimly lit room, see saw the action.
The next morning, Linda walked up to her mother, who was working in the kitchen, and said, “I don’t like you any more, mummy.”
Her mother, understandably perturbed at this, asked “Why, sweetheart?”
Linda said “Last night, I heard some noises. I looked through your bedroom keyhole and you were bobbing up and down on daddy and you were both making hurting noises!”
Her mother, embarrassed, said, “No, darling, I wasn’t hurting him. You know your daddy has grown a bit of a big belly. All I was doing was sitting on it to make it smaller.”
Linda thought about this for a few moments, then said, “But it won’t work, mummy!”
Mystified by this, her mother asked, “What makes you think that?”
Linda replied, “Cos when you go to work in the morning, Jenny from next door comes round and blows him back up again!”

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It was mealtime during a flight on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

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Three women are in a tennis club locker room preparing to play a game when, suddenly, a guy ran through the room stark naked, wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passed the first woman, who looked down at his private parts. "Thank goodness!!!” she said, with obvious relief in her voice. “He's not my husband.”
He passed by the second woman, who also looked down as he's passing. "He's not my husband either," she said, also not recognising his crown jewels.
He passed by the third woman, who also looked down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 5 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald coloured shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."

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The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased; what an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there, take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad!"

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The little girl had just listened to her mother reading one of her favourite fairy tales. "Mummy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once Upon a Time...?'"
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the hospital tonight...’ “

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ZEN – 2003

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.

2. A journey of a thousand miles usually begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. The first thing that happens is that we get smacked on the #rse. From that point on, things get worse.

A version of this has already appeared on this site somewhere. This version is BIGGER, though not necessarily better.

The Official Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1", so you know what priority each one is.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday/Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. I have the body of a God. Buddha is a God, OK?

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil.....please!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial break.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is, nor how to pronounce it.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are fibbing, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel fluff, the 4-3-3 formation or Triumph Bonneville engines.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No, NO! You really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take a quiz together. It doesn't matter what sort of quiz.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. OK?

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I really don't mind that; it's like camping.

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut landed in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then stuffed two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut shot out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man modestly insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was out of earshot, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

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Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone cashier trying to balance his books. After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him. Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag, they were about to leave when they heard the cashier making noises through his gag. Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say,
"For Christ’s sake, take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short 70 quid, and I don’t know where it’s gone!"

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A young lad was bragging in the school playground to his friends that his brother could play the piano by ear.
"That's nothing," said one boy "My brother fiddles with his willy!"

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A man rushes home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags sweetheart, I've just won the lottery, all six numbers came up!”
"Oh wonderful,” she said, “shall I pack my bags for the big city or the beach?"
"I don't care,” he replied, “just sod off out of my life!"

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A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled; "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class!”

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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its beak and the egg is frowning and looking more than a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

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A missionary, who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets the word that he is to return home. He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of some heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowpipe and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

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The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague at the hospital on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth player for the darts team. Doctor Thompson had to pull out," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

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While waiting in line at the bank with a friend, he started to develop a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the cashier's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The cashier took my friend's cheque and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his cheque.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of £5000."
"That’s impossible!" he cried. "You have got to be bloody joking!"
"Yes, you’re right, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups have gone!"

Your Cesspit Mind!!!

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's trousers that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?

7) What four-letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you haven't got one, you can use your hands?

8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

9) What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of, it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

Answers:

1. Talk.
2. Legs.
3. A £20 note.
4. Firetruck (I will accept Fueltruck)
5. Bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt.
6. Pants.
7. Fork.
8. A bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut Chocolate.
9. Grit.
10. His surname.

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Film Classifications explained

U: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy gets the girl.

15: The Bad Guy gets the girl.

X: Everybody gets the girl.

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

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Which three British professional football teams have names that include a swear word? The first is easy. Scroll down…
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Arsenal, and (a bit harder) scroll down...
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Scunthorpe and (will you get it?) scroll down...
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Glasgow F##king Rangers!
(You can, of course, modify this to any team that attracts your displeasure!!!)

An old man and old woman had been married for about 50 years when one day the old man died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old woman would show up at the grave with her dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old woman out there with her dog and decided to go talk to her.
"Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your husband's grave and I think that’s so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your husband since you always bring it out here with you."
"No,” said the old woman “actually I bring the dog out here to p#ss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."

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An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist, "He can't swim."

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost £300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied, "I earned it hiking."
"Bullsh#t, son," the father said "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth." the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a £20 note and tell me to take a hike!"

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The husband didn't want to play in the "Couples Alternate Shot Tournament" at the golf club, but he reluctantly agreed just for the sake of martial harmony.
He got the first shot. He teed off, a par four, and fired a beautiful 300-yard drive down the middle of the fairway. When they reached the ball, he said to his wife (a novice golfer), "Just hit it towards the green, honey. Anywhere around there will be fine."
She proceeded to knock the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, he said, "That's ok, dear, we'll play it." He spent five full minutes looking for the ball. He played the shot of his life and actually put the ball just two feet from the hole on the green. Arriving on the green he said, "Now, dear, all you have to do is knock it gently into the hole."
She whacked it a good one, right off the green and into a sand trap.
The husband, still retaining his composure, marched into the sand trap, summoned all of his skill, and amazingly holed the shot from there.
Retrieving the ball from the hole he put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey -- one over par -- but that's OK. I think we can do better on the next hole."
She snapped back at him, "Don't bitch at ME. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine!"

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William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, but he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"
Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell."

This man is at work one day when he notices that his pal is wearing an earring. This man knows his pal to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense," so he asked his pal, "Maurice, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an bloody earring," says Maurice, a little sheepishly.
"Really? And how long have you been wearing one?"
"Err...ever since my wife Becky found it in our bed."

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A guy wakes up at home with the mother of all hangovers. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of paracetamols and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down on the side of the bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean. And so is the rest of the house.
He takes the paracetamols and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and a copy of the morning’s newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
His father asked, "Son, what the hell happened last night?"
His son replied, "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, nissed as a pewt. You broke some furniture as you walked in, and threw up in the hallway.”
The father asked, a little surprised, "So, why is everything in order, so clean and there’s food is on the table?"
His son said, "Oh that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "F*ck off, bitch! Leave me alone, I’m a married man!"

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It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family greeted him, hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year-old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most explosive sex he had ever experienced.
When he he'd had enough they went downstairs where the blonde made him a huge breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, baked beans, fried bread and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'f#ck him.... give him a fiver'”.
“Breakfast was my idea.”

A stork brings white babies
A blackbird brings black babies

What brings NO babies?






A Swallow

A little boy, about 12 years old, walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of the local knocking shop and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money for it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam thought, ‘why not’, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"
Of course the Madam said, ‘no’.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to go to the clap-clinic after having sex with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, still dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught".
"When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will drive the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll screw her in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it".
"Tomorrow morning, just after Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and that’s the b#stard who ran over my frog!"

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There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here, we can put in a pig and out come sausages.
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

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The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty quid.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in those pyjamas!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate.

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!
And remember - money talks...but chocolate sings!

(This joke was probably written by Dawn French, with some help from Jennifer Saunders!!!)

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A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialled 999. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

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Two privates, Billy-Bob and Bubba, stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. Whilst digging, they got into an argument about what they were burying.
"This here's a big mule!" remarked Bubba.
"T’ain't no mule”, replied Billy-Bob, “this here's a donkey."
"Mule!" insisted Bubba.
"Donkey!" responded Billy-Bob, twice as loud.
This went on for a while until the camp Chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" he asked.
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule," answered Bubba.
"It’s a donkey, dammit!" yelled Billy-Bob.
The chaplain cut in. "Boys, it’s neither one. Actually, it's an ass.”
“Oh,” said the privates in unison, looking at each other somewhat apologetically.
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BOYS & GIRLS

GIRL'S DIARY

Sunday May 11th, 2008

Saw Colin this evening and he was acting strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence I said I was going to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me to bed immediately but did so later on and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.

BOYS DIARY

Sunday May 11th, 2008

Birmingham were relegated today. Totally gutted. Got a sh#g though.