EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Sorry I'm late today, but the A&E defibs don't test themselves!!

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. Nearly all of his crops had been lost, but, fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing a generous quantity of her breasts. She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, worms ruined my tomato crop, weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches.”

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother on the telephone.
"Well," said her mother, “how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come and get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME, GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook....”

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A father and his son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

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An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Golf Club. He went to the club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with, as they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant professional said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet.
The 80-year-old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
He did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for his par. The old man, too, had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!
The pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was standing. "Nice shot,” he said. “I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps? "
"I do,” replied the octogenarian, “Would you please give me a hand."

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It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for £200, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for £200, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for £200 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

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Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them and I’ve barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"


This'll be the last for a week, cos I'm on holiday - 3 nights in Paris, then 3 nights in London.

See Ya!

Naitch

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He doesn't have to run - he got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, Leon, gave me £15,000. And you, Carter, gave me £10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Leon. "Now, I'm returning £5,000 to you. That means we can decide this case solely on its merits!"

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In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document." He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study.
The day passed, it was getting late in the evening and the monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he thought he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" he called.
The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, f#cking hell," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate', not ‘celibate’!"

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A drunk is sitting on the pavement outside a pub. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's OK. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?"
The stranger says "No. Who are you?"
The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" whereupon, they enter the bar. The barman looks up and yells,
"Jesus Christ! You again?"

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This bloke went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the bloke senseless. When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "F#ck you". This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a banana. Putting the banana in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the ape family were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, the bloke picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the banana out of his pants, and chopped it up.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eylid...

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George W. Bush, distraught and contemplating starting a new war, was walking through Washington, looking for any kind of guidance. He walks to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "President Washington, you were always wise, what should I do?"
Low and behold, a voice came down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START AGAIN FROM SCRATCH!"
Bush, amazed that he is talking to a past President, thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to one of its great early philosophers and the author of the Declaration of Independence. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally the people behind me?"
Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING. ABOLISH IT AND START AGAIN!"
After hearing this, Bush is so excited that he decides to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help. People are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?"
After a substantial pause Abraham Lincoln responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF AND GO TO THE THEATRE."

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A fairly attractive waitress serves a man in a cafe.
"Yes, sir, what can I get you?"
"Well," said the man, "I'd like a quickie", at which point, the waitress turned bright red and hurried back to the kitchen. Shortly after, she returned with the cafe owner, who tapped the man on the shoulder.
"I understand you offended this waitress!" said the owner.
"No, I didn't,” said the customer, “I just asked her for this," and pointed to the menu.
The owner looked over the customer’s shoulder, then rather sheepishly looked at the man and the waitress and said, "That's Quiche. It's pronounced keesh, not quickie!"

Apparently they're going to start playing porn at fuel pumps....

This is so you can watch someone else being f****d at the same time as you

Halfway through a lesson, Margaret put her hand up. “Please Miss, may I ask you something?”
“Of course, Margaret, what is it?” replied the teacher. Margaret left her seat and walked up to the teacher. She and the teacher exchanged a few whispered words, unheard by the rest of the class. Margaret then returned to her seat, picked up her school bag and left the room. She wasn’t seen for the rest of the day.
The next day, Margaret returned to school. The first person to see her was Johnny.
“Hello, Margaret,” said Johnny, “what happened to you yesterday?”
“Oh, I don’t think I can tell you. It’s a bit...well, you know...embarrassing.”
“Go on, you can tell me,” insisted Johnny.
“Well... OK then. I started bleeding between my legs for no reason,” said Margaret, looking at her feet.
“You’re joking!” said Johnny. “Let’s have a look!”
“OK then,” said Margaret, who lifted up her skirt and dropped her knickers. Johnny squatted down and had a good look.
“I’m not surprised you were bleeding - someone’s cut your thing off!”

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2 jokes in 1!

A Mother and her daughter were talking about getting a husband for the daughter. The mother suggested taking a prospective husband to bed to have sex, then asking, “what do we call the baby?” That night, the daughter did just that. She went to a pub in town, ‘allowed’ herself to be chatted up, and took the man home, where they made love. While she enjoyed a post-coital cigarette, she said to the man, “What shall we call the baby?”
“Well, if it gets through that,” he says, lobbing the used condom out the window, “We’ll call it Houdini.”
The condom, meanwhile, landed on the head of a passing bloke, who, enraged at this, banged furiously on the front door. The mother answered the door.
“Who’s in that room up there?” the bloke said, pointing at the window from where the condom had been launched.
“That’s my daughter’s bedroom, and she’s there with her intended husband, not that it’s any of your business. Why do you ask?”
“Because,” said the bloke, holding up the condom, “your intended grand-child has just had a very bad fall!”

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A traveling ventriloquist was making a working tour of various clubs of the West Country. In one particular village, ticket sales were not very good, so he wandered through the village centre performing his act. The locals delighted to hearing telegraph poles tell poor jokes, a passing dog made a rude comment to the village bobby and a blackbird shocked one elderly lady by yelling, “The vicar is gay!” One resident of the village, a farm worker, was perturbed by this and had words with the ventriloquist.
“’Ere, oi understand that you can make them there animals talk?”
The ventriloquist modestly admitted that this was the case.
“Well,” said the farm worker, “if one of the sheep in Morgan’s farm says anything about me, it’s all a dirty lie!”

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Whilst on late night patrol, a policeman was walking down the High Street when he heard a moaning noise coming from a shop door-way. He pulled out his torch and shone it in the direction of the sounds. He saw a young couple in what is commonly referred to as a ‘compromising position’.
“’Ello, ‘ello’ ello. What’s going on ‘ere, then?”
The female part of this union replied, “Jesus Christ! You are one bloody stupid copper! What does it sodding look like?”
The policeman turned to the man and said, “I’m arresting you for having an offensive person on your weapon!”

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Billy Bob and Bubba Joe were having a drink in the Ole Ranch Bar and discussing this and that.
“I got maself a new pick-up truck for nuthin’,” announced Billy Bob.
“Where’d you get it?” asked Bubba Joe.
“Off of Sue Ellen”, replied Billy Bob.
“How’d you manage that, then?” queried Bubba Joe.
“Well,” answered Billy Bob, “it wuz easy. I was drinking here last night with Sue Ellen and she offered to drive me home. On the way there, she turned into Canyon Lane and pulled up into the woods. She then got out of the truck, took all her clothes off, lay on the ground with her legs wide open and said, ‘Take anything you want!’ So I took her pick-up truck.”
“Good thinking,” said Bubba Joe, “her clothes wouldn’t fit you.”

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A female university student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair and gazes meaningfully into his eyes, "and I mean...ANYTHING" she whispers.
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Yes,” she replied, somewhat huskily, “Anything!!!"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"

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Two guys were driving home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.
"Look," he shouted, "What are those two dogs doing? Fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before."
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, "You have to try it. It's pretty good. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."
The driver thought about it for a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car. The passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?"
The driver replied, "It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!"

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so, a few minutes later, the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was scared stiff. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was it you that said ‘Jesus is watching me’?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
“Thank God”, said the burglar with a sigh of relief. He asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a bloody strange name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot gave you the name Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way, as he had over 30 years in the company. Between his pension and the settlement, he was rather well off.
One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help it, but see you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy was. He asked her the same question; "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a rather young man who was fresh out of college with an MBA. He was smart, handsome and he seemed to have a better business acumen than the first two put together.
Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To Steve’s great surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Steve was shocked and pleased at the same time, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How the hell did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!” he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that, because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. WHOOSH! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. WHOOSH! Immediately he turned ninety.

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Farmer Giles is suing a transport company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Giles in court.
“Didn't you say, 'I'm fine,' at the accident scene?” Mr. Green asks.
“I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie... “ started Farmer Giles.
“I'm not asking for details,” Mr. Green says. “Just answer the question.”
“I am,” Farmer Giles says. “I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie into my trailer when...”
“Didn't you tell the policeman that you were fine?” Mr. Green interrupts.
The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Giles tell his story the way he wants to.
“So, anyway,” says Farmer Giles, “I loaded Bessie into my trailer and started driving down the main road when a huge articulated lorry ignored a stop sign and smashed into the right side of my van. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move. “ Farmer Joe continued, 'Then a policeman came by and I heard him talking about Bessie. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessie stopped moaning,”
“What does this story have to do with anything?” Mr. Green asks.
“The policeman walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you?’''

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Four old men were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked that, for Christmas this year, he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and, without any argument from his wife, go directly to the golf course, meet his pals and play a round.
His friends all chipped in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first bloke says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a huge diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 bloke says, "I spent a bundle too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 bloke says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last bloke in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I smacked my wife on the #rse and said, 'Well babe, do we have sex or do I play golf?' and she said, "Go take your clubs!"

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, madam. They're dead."

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A fresh intake arrived at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter handed them over to God. God addressed them. “Men”, he said, “what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. You,” he said, pointing to one of the newcomers, “what’s your story?”
“Please God,” wailed the first man, “I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.”
“I am ashamed of you,” said God. “For that, I give you a run-down Ford Cortina that barely moves.” He turned to the second man.
“Dear God,” said the second man, “please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took a wrong turn. Please forgive me!
“Yes, my man,” said God, “I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder. I will give you a convertible BMW.” He gestured to the third man.
“Dear God,” said the third man, “you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every day after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...”
“Okay, okay, okay, I get the picture. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!”
Two weeks later, the first two men are driving along the celestial motorway when they see the third man ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Rolls Royce, in obvious distress.
One of the men approached and asked “Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful b#gger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
The third man sobbed, "I just saw my wife on roller-skates!"

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Two guys from Manchester die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoodies warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"
They reply, "'Well, we're from Manchester, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out".
The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoodies. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Manchester and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little."
This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Mancunians in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two lads reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Manchester. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."
The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two blokes back in their anoraks and hoodies - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!
The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Mancunians look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Manchester City have won the Premiership!"

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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A pretty young nurse arrived, to wash his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbled from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"
He struggled again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulled back the covers, raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his
testicles in her other hand and took a close look, and said, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulled off his oxygen mask and said, "That was very nice but, are...my...test... results... back?”

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A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You’re 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the queue in McDonald's.”

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A mummy mole, a daddy mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, "Yummy! I smell maple syrup!"
The mummy mole stuck her head out of the hole, sniffed the air and said, "Yummy! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tried to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but couldn't, because the bigger moles were in the way, so he said, "Jesus, all I can smell is molasses!”

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Nokia have just brought out a new mobile called the 'Joey Barton'.
It's big, ugly, has very little memory and it takes three months to charge the f#cking thing.

A man is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. He said to his wife, "I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment",
The wife replied, "OK, your eyesight is perfect!"

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One Saturday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, makes a packed lunch, puts on his waders, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the car and head on to his favourite fishing area. Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain. It's freezing, there’s snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is blowing with 50-mph gusts. He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds that the weather is going to be bad all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of anticipation, and whispers, "the weather out there is terrible!"
To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe that idiot of a husband of mine is out fishing in that?!"

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The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention.
"Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are ninety pence a dozen, how old am I?”
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation.
“That’s absolutely right”, said the astonished teacher replied. "How did you work that out?"
“Easy," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-stupid!"

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A pair of Irish navvies were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute (brothel) when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking inside.
"Jaysus,” said Pat, “Would ya look at dat, Mick! What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their digging.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spotted him.
"Did ya see that, Pat?" Mick said in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging in sins of the flesh like that. ‘Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Mick, look", said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls must’ve died!"

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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act, so whilst enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. For £100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband went to the kitchen and picked up the bread-knife. He and the cabby then tiptoed up to the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put the knife to the naked man's throat.
The wife yelled, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Porsche I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly subscription!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly withdrew the knife. He looked over at the cab driver and, with exasperation, said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover his #rse with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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A drunk walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for £57. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money" whereupon the barman smacks the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The next night, the same drunk walks into the pub and once again says, "Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The barman looks at the bloke and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for £67. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money."
The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats seven shades of [censored] out of him, and then throws him out into the street.
The very next night, the same drunk walks back into the same pub and says, "Barman, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill”.
In disgust, the barman says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No danger! You get too violent when you've had a drink."

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Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgical procedures they had performed.
The first one said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I re-attached them and 8 months later he preformed a private concert for the Queen of England. "
The second one said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I re-attached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in an athletics event at the Sydney Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's #rse and a cowboy hat. Today, that cowboy is now the president of the United States."

MI5 had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and testing, there were three finalists - two men and one woman. For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances are. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for the job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You b#stards didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

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I recently bought myself the latest in voice controlled car stereo radios. You say "soul" to it, and it plays a Marvin Gaye song. You say "rock", and it plays a Deep Purple standard. You say "church", it plays something by The Edwin Hawkins Singers.
Yesterday, some children ran in front of my car without looking, and I shouted "F#cking Kids!" The radio played “Bad” by Michael Jackson.

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Murphy owned a factory that made nails, He decided to give his business a boost, so he called in an advertising agency to make an advert for TV. Three weeks later the agency rang saying his new advert would get its first showing on the following Wednesday night during NYPD Blue.
Murphy invited all his friends and relations round to his house to see the advert. When it came on, there was an air of expectancy as the camera zoomed in on a grassy field with lovely background music. The camera then moved over the grass and up the side of the hill, At the top of the hill it came to the bottom of what appeared to be a wooden post. It slowly moved up the post to reveal Jesus on the cross, It moved out to his hands to show the nails driven through. A voice then said "Always use Murphy’s nails".
Murphy and all his friends were appalled.
Next day, all the newspapers and media chat shows where discussing the tasteless and irrelevant advert for Murphy’s nails. Murphy became the most hated man in the country and business slumped. Furious, Murphy rang the advertising company and demanded that they change the advert.
Three weeks later, they rang to say there would be a new advert the following night. Murphy got all his friends round again, The advert came on as before as the camera focused on the grass, with exactly the same background music. "Oh sh#t, now I’m well and truly f#cked!" says Murphy. The camera went up the hill and came to the cross, but this time there was no one on it, The camera looked off into the distance and there was Jesus legging it across the fields!
A voice rang out "They should have used Murphy’s nails!"

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The teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.
Mary says: "My Daddy’s a solicitor. He puts the bad people into prison."
Jack says: "My Dad’s a doctor. He makes poorly people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your daddy do?"
"My Dad’s dead," said Johnny.
"I'm sorry to hear that,” said the teacher, “but what did he do before he died?"
“Well,” said Johnny”, "he turned blue and cr#pped on the living room carpet."

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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed some money down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman threw it down her throat. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Pierre the Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It was a beautiful day and love was definitely in the air. Marie leant over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabbed a bottle of Merlot and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" said the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiled and they started to kiss. When things heated up a little, Marie said, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tore her blouse open, grabbed a bottle of Chardonnay and poured it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asked the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steamed up. Marie leant close to his ear and whispered, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero ripped off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and poured it in her lap. He struck a match and set it on fire. Marie shrieked and dived into the river to put the fire out. Standing waist deep, she threw her arms upwards and screamed furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?"
Our hero stood up, defiantly, and said, "I am Pierre ze fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

Did you hear about the guy with no arms that entered the masturbating contest?



He came nowhere

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he goes round the back for a look, but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Chinese bloke answers. "Harro", says the Chinese chap.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet," replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dustbin?"
"I dust bin on toilet, I told you,” says the Chinese man.
"Mate," says the dustman, "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK”, says the Chinese man, "I wheely bin having a w#nk!"

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well,” she replied, “you don't give me enough housekeeping money to buy any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's £50 - go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers - why not?”
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20 - go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Good Grrrrrrief, woman! Why are ye no wearing knickers?"
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough housekeepin' money te be able te afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb - tidy yurrrself up a bit."

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Four girls are at a hen-night, where a male exotic dancer, with the skimpiest thong imaginable, is performing. The first girl dips into her purse, pulls out a £10 note, licks one end of it and sticks it to the dancer’s left bum-cheek. The dancer then performs specially for her.
The second girl, not to be out-done, digs around in her purse, fishes out a £20 note, licks one end of it and sticks it on the dancer’s right bum-cheek. The dancer then transfers his attentions to her, with slightly more suggestive movements.
The third girl is a bit peeved about this and looks in her purse. All she’s got is a £50 note. “Oh, sod the housekeeping”, she says. She licks one end of it (momentarily giving the other three girls ideas where she’s going to stick it) and puts it over the £10 note. The dancer moves in front of her, putting a lot more raunch into his act.
The fourth girl looks in her purse. All she’s got is a lot of loose change and a load of credit cards, so she pulls out her Visa Card, swipes it in his bum crack and takes the £80!

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, “that must have been quite upsetting. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . . . "



Wait for it.......



It's coming.......



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?



She says:



.................You just happened to catch my eye. "

(Oh, shut your face! Look, I just forward them, I don't bloody write them! )