EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

And as I couldn't get onto the site at all yesterday, another load....


A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular, young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I'm Norwegian.'

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Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

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Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "Don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
You women have teeth between your legs". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
He tells her, "It's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."

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I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....and it scared the living daylights out of me. So that's it … no more reading!

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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

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An Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Englishman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and scr#w your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Englishman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

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The CO's Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U.S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure’. The Executive Officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The Colonel's Aide, a Lieutenant, responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well Sir, began the Private First Class, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

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A man got home from work and yelled to his wife, "Get me a beer, quick, before it starts."
He drunk it straight down and then said "Quick, get me another before it starts."
Again she got it, he drunk it down in one and said, "And another, before it starts.”
She said, "Listen, you fat, lazy b#stard, you walk in, sit down and start barking orders at me!"
He said "Oh God, it's started!”

It gives me great pleasure to tell you that you've already posted all of these jokes before (par the last one).

Lee

I don't usually bother with the "Jokes Section" myself, but having just received this from one of my nieces (I've a feeling she was trying to tell me something), I though I may as well share it with y'all (no doubt many of you will have seen or heard it before):-

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire"!

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens? Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner"? The young rooster says, "Beat it: you are washed up and now I'm taking over".

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop".

The young rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance, old fella. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start".

So the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.

The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit ... that's the third gay rooster I bought this month"!

The moral of this story? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS, as age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'
The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.

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An Oldie, but a Goodie!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

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Jimmy MacDonald went along to his Catholic church one Sunday afternoon and placed himself in the Confessional box. The priest, already sitting in his half, opened the shutter.
“What is it, my son?”
“Forgive me, father”, started Jimmy, “for I have sinned. I went with a loose woman last night.”
“Is that young Jimmy MacDonald?“ asked the priest.
“Yes, father, it is”.
“Who was the girl you were with, Jimmy?”
“I shouldn’t tell you, father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
”In order to absolve you, you will have to confess the full details of your transgression. What was the girl’s name? Was it Agnes Wallace?” asked the father.
“I don’t think I should tell you, father.”
“I’ll find out, sooner or later, so you might as well tell me now. Was it Jean Menzies?”
“I won’t tell you, father.”
“Was it Kirstie Robertson?”
“My lips are sealed, father”
“Was it Moira Kennedy?”
“I cannot say, father.”
“Was it Gail Scott?”
“You’re wasting your time, father, I don’t want to say.”
“Very well, Jimmy. I do admire you protecting the girl, but nonetheless, you have sinned and you must atone for this. You can no longer be an altar boy until after Christmas. Now, go home and behave yourself.”
“Thank you, father” and Jimmy got up and returned to the pew. His pal, Archie Soutar, slid over and whispered “Well, how did you get on?”
“Brilliant”, answered Jimmy, “four months holiday and five good leads!”

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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
“What happened to her?”
The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.” He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.” A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

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SUNDAY SCHOOL:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the road side, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
"No," replied Johnny, "how could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA:
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey", he began, proud that his daughter was so observant to of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come he doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL:
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable, but what does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER:
During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing ?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, And he just then did!"

TIME TO PRAY:
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes sir", the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

BEWARE OF TRASH:
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls? "Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'"

SAY A PRAYER:
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer". "I don't have to”, the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating at our house."
“That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Two women had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to "communicate with Nature", so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they staggered off to their respective homes.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!”
“That's nothing”, said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her #rse that said, “From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''

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A blond goes into the Chemist's and asks for a rectal deodorant.
"There's no such thing," answered the Chemist.
"Yes there is," said the blond.
"I can assure you there isn't such a thing as a rectal deodorant," said the Chemist.
"Yes there is," said the blond, "I'll prove it!" and she walked out of the shop.
10 minutes later she returned and handed the Chemist a standard stick deodorant.
"Look at that," she insisted, pointing to the instructions.
The Chemist read the instructions which stated:



(Wait for it!)




"To use, push up bottom".

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A husband and his wife are shopping when the man picks up a pack of Stella Artois and puts it in his trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans" he says.
"Put them back, we can’t afford them”, said the wife and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you’re doing?" asks the man.
"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies, "So does 24 cans of Stella, AND it’s only half the price!"

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A woman says to her husband, "I want a boob job. I’ve always wanted bigger boobs".
The husband says, "Get some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs – that’ll do the trick".
"That won’t work" says the woman.
"Why not? It's worked on your #rse" says the man.

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football ground. Every time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with my garden shears, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say, “£20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em cough up!"

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And that, I'm afraid, is it. I've no more jokes. Well, actually, I have, but they are positively obscene, and are only fit for circulation via normal e-mail. I hope you've enjoyed what I've put up, and look forward to seeing some of them repeated here, in the future!!!

Naitch

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

This joke would be better spoken by a person with an Irish accent however here goes.

Paddy goes for an interview, the chairperson of the interview panel says "okay Paddy you've done very well in your interview so far and your CV is great the last part of this process is an initive test, using a pen and paper but without writing down any numbers or letters we would like you to demonstrate the number 9"

Paddy thinks about this and draws three trees.

The chairperson says "how does this represent 9 ?"

Paddy says "that easy three t'rees makes 9"

The chairperson a bit put out thinks i'll get him and says "okay how about 99"

Paddy licks his thumb and smears the three trees.

The chairperson says "how does this represent 99 ?"

Paddy says "that easy d'irty t'ree times three makes 99"

The chairperson even more put out thinks i'll get him and says "okay how about 100"

Paddy thinks about this and draws three small shapes under the trees.

The chairperson says "how does this represent 100 ?"

Paddy says "d'irty t'ree and a t'urd times three makes 100"

Lee

"Doctor, I seem to be having problems with my hearing."

"Ok", says the Doctor "What are the symptons"

"They're those yellow people on TV"

Mark

BRAVE MAN JOKES

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next,
fatty.'

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his
wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.'


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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London I heard prostitutes there get
paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year'.

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of
coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on
the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her
watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped
off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT
HAD BETTER BE THERE.'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a
small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and
picked up the box.



She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Lee