EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your bum!'
His wife was, understandably, not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underpants out of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a little dust-cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he yelled into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my undercrackers?'
She replied with a snicker 'It's not talcum powder, it's "Miracle Grow"!'

Unbelievable. Only the mags could get away with this..Some eagle eyed geordie has noticed that their points total is wrong by a point which means they should actually go above Hull. For some obscure reason the draw they played against West Brom in November didn't go on their points tally. Check it out on the net. It's right. The mags appealed to the FA late last night. If their claim is upheld it will send Hull down instead.......




















Carlsberg don't do texts for delusional geordies but if they did...this would have probably been the best text in the world!

Lee

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
Hello," said the Father, "and how are you, Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?"
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya."
Oh, thank ya, Father." And away they went.
Slightly over 5 years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?"
"Oh," she said, "E's away to Rome to blow out yer' f#ckin' candle."

Warning

If you receive an email from the 'Department of Environment & Health' saying not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu,
just ignore it –

























it's spam.

Lee

One out of four people in this Country is mentally unbalanced.


Think of your 3 closest friends.......



If they're okay then you're the one!


Lee

This is kinda old, anyway, here goes ...

Be Strong Honey .... I Love You

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
“Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No, not quite", said Gordon, "that would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"I'm afraid not", explained Gordon, 'that's what we would call 'a great loss'".
The room went silent - no other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'"?
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and the plane was blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon, "that's right, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well", said little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either!"

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay sh-it in our garden,' she said.

From a book of Hospital Jokes I recently got.
Top 10 reasons to become a nurse:
1) Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.
3) Needles:"tis better to give than receive."
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops .....eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends - at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive,no matter what you do to them.

You know you're a nurse if:
You believe not all patients are annoying... some are unconcious.

Your sense of humour seems to get more warped each year.

You can tell the time with a 24hr clock.

Almost everything can seem humourous ... eventually.

When asked 'What colour is the patient's diarrhoea?' you show them your shoes.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and caused someone at another table to throw up.

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Every time someone asks for a pen, you can usually find at least three of them on you.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless its your own.

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your co - worker and to shout if they need help.

You find yourself checking out other customers' arm veins in grocery queues.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break sitting up and not be embarressed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.