EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

And that's when the fight started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that's when the fight started....

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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Well your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ' You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And that's when the fight started....

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....

The priest is swaying his boat of incense to and fro. Suddenly somebody from the audience yells: Watch your purse bag! Honey! It is burning!!!

A man is walking on the California beach and thinking about his prayer. Then he exclaims: "Oh, my Lord, fulfill one wish for me!" Big dark cloud appears above this man and thunder voice says: "All your life, you try to be honest. I will make one your wish come true." The man: "Build a bridge to Hawaii for me, so I get there every time by a car." - "Your wish is very materialistic! Just imagine those problems: pillars to the Pacific ocean bottom, all that steel and beton, a lot of money. I can manage this your wish, but I am surprised at your temporal goal. Try again, and bring out another wish, My worthy." The man thinks once more and says: My Lord, I wish to uderstand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God says, "Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

Before and After Marriage


Before Marriage:

He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!




After Marriage:

Now read this from bottom to top.

A teacher was telling his class that they must not be absent from school the following day. Only serious illness, death of a family member or serious injury could be excused. One lad piped up, "What if I'm suffering from serious sexual exhaustion sir?"
After a few uncontrolled sniggers from the class, the teacher responded, "Then you'll have to learn to write with your other hand"

A little boy comes across a farmer who has a truckload of cow manure. The boy asks him what he is going to do with it. The farmer tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my rhubarb."
The little boy looks up at the farmer, somewhat quizzically and says, "I don't know where you come from, but we put ice cream and sugar on ours!"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby girl with virtually no pain at all. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the milkman dead on the driveway.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I suppose one day you’ll need to find out! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!”

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

''No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Did you pull the plug out or did you go for the bucket??


Lee

Old Man Stevenson went down to the Post office to collect his pension. The woman at the window wasn't sure of his age, so she asked him for ID. He said “Oh no, I've left my driving license at home. Will I have to go back and get it?” The woman behind the counter says, “no, just show me some hair”. So he shows his chest from an unbuttoned shirt of white hair, and gets his pension.
When he gets home, he tells his wife about his ordeal, who says “Why didn't you show her your todger? You could have been eligible for disability benefit too!”