EBME Forums Forums Free discussion Out of Hours Jokes 2 (son of Jokes!!!)

Three elderly football fans go to Church and pray for their respective teams.
The first is a Scotland fan who asks, “When will Scotland win the World Cup?”
“In 5 years, my son,” God replies.
“But I'll be dead by then” says the Scotland fan.
Second up is a Stenhousemuir fan who says “When will Stenhousemuir be in the Scottish Premiership?”
God replies, “In 10 years my son.”
The ‘Muir fan replies, “But I'll be dead by then”.
Finally, it is the turn of the Hearts fan who asks Lord, “When will Hearts win the Premiership?” God replies “I'll be dead by then!”

A man was in a busy shopping centre and he had lost his wife. He asked another man if he'd seen her.
The other man replied, "Funnily enough, I've also lost my wife. What does yours look like?"
"She's 6 foot tall, slim, long blond hair and large breasts. What does yours look like?"
"Who cares? Let’s look for yours!"

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
”Here is your first question”, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat’s easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.
"What the hell’s this?" the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?"

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

--------------------

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."
The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the brain.
"You're already out of your head."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband number 1 was a sales representative - he kept telling me how great it was going to be.”
”Husband number 2 was in software services - he was never really sure how it was supposed to work, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.”
”Husband number 3 was from field services - he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.”
”Husband number 4 was in telemarketing - even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.”
”Husband number 5 was an engineer - he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”
”Husband number 6 was from finance and administration - he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.”
”Husband number 7 was in marketing - although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.”
”Husband number 8 was a psychologist - all he ever did was talk about it.”
”Husband number 9 was a gynaecologist - all he did was look at it.”
”Husband number 10 was a stamp collector - all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes... I don't see too well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the past 2 years!"

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky and two worms.
"Now, class, observe the worms closely," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whisky. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms!”

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey, Koala, what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says, "Wow, man.......how much water did you drink?!!"

A farmer's wife is visiting her solicitor seeking a divorce from her husband. Her solicitor asks why.
"He took me from behind while I was bending over to look at the chickens", she said.
"What's wrong with that?" asks the solicitor.
"We were in Tesco’s at the time".

This is an alleged letter written by John Cleese addressed to the people of the U.S.A. on the re-election of George W. Bush in 2004.


To the citizens of the United States of America,

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA, and thus to adequately govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she doesn’t fancy) as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', ‘harbour’, 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' - you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with the correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and is an inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know this on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task number 1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Following on from 8) above, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") at roughly $6 per US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Excretions," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of football - you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad for years.

20. An internal revenue agent (what is correctly called a ‘tax collector’) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese